You're cute
and you know it
tempting
and alluring
under my skin
but I won't give in.
You're no good
no, not for the real me
I'm really not sure
who I was trying to be
just to ease this pain.
But ***
with you-
basically a stranger,
no, that won't do.
You say "friends with benefits".
More like- "benefits"
because we're not friends.
You talk so *****
that I have to scrub myself clean
because that's just not who I am
nor will it ever be.
So, I'm changing my mind.
You'd get what you want
and I'd still be alone
tell me,
what's the benefit in that?

Forgive me for wanting to be loved,
and not just ******.

You made me a rose today
Out of the aluminum foil
From your burrito at Qdoba..
And that was the first time
A guy has ever given me a flower.

All the unavailable men come out to play
when their significant others are away

But every night
I go to sleep alone
and they return
to their homes
with their girlfriends,
fiances and wives.

Then I do this stupid thing
yeah, I fall for them-
these men
with girlfriends
fiances and wives

I make them choose
(hoping they'd choose me)
and I always lose to
their girlfriend
fiances and wives.

And I'm still alone
and I'll never win
I really ought to stop
getting involved
with unavailable men.

I always think guys are too good for me.
That they are all out of my league.
That I deserve less than the best
The hand-me-downs.
I shop for guys in
the 99 cent bin
at Goodwill.

I always think that I'm never good enough.
Guys would never want me
I'm no ******* model
My stomach's not flat
and most of the times
I'm unsure how to act
like a normal girl.


But I like to think
that if anything,
I've got a good heart
that's gotta be worth something,
right?

Karma's a real *****
and I sure am getting mine
but she should just cut me a break
because I think we're about tied
I know I've hurt others
so now others have to hurt me
what goes around comes around
but I think this circle is complete
I'm sure she's had some fun at my expense
Yeah, torturing me must be so much fun
but please, I surrender, just help me out
I'd really like to finally meet "the one".
Karma, I am willing to change my ways
if only you will change yours too.
because the last thing my heart needs
is another bruise.

Every time I see you on campus
(which is every ******* day now)
I get absolutely frantic
I'm filled with sheer terror
and I start to panic.
My thoughts dart all around
my heart freezes up
all my organs forget how to function
and I fix my eyes to the ground
to be sure not to make accidental eye contact

and I'm a fool
because you walk right on by
more than likely unaffected
from what I can see
while I'm contemplating
moving to a different country.
some force of nature
clearly ******* hates me.

For someone who prides themselves on always being honest,
                          I am really such a liar

And for someone who likes to act all cold hearted and tough,
                            I'm a lover not a fighter

And when I say "I don't care, I don't care, I don't care"
                          It's because I care too much

And when I seem level headed, collected, and calm,
                            My insides are really mush

So when I inevitably get **** faced and text you:

                                        "I love you"

Or,

               "I  hate you"

Or,

                         "I hate you because I love you"

Please let me down easily

Because for someone who constantly claims you mean next to nothing to her,
                                           I am really such a liar.

I can't wrap my head around why you're still with me
after I so badly ****** up
and I can't wrap my head around why
I would do such a terrible thing
to someone I so desperately love.
It terrifies me knowing I've been so confused
does that mean I don't love you
as much as I know I do?

I tend to try to wreck things when I get scared
It's always been this way
And up until now everyone
immediately headed for the hills
So I can't wrap my head around
why you chose to stay.

I don't want to talk
I don't want to think
I don't want to feel this pain
I'd rather stay asleep
But unfortunately for me
I can't ever escape you
not while I'm awake
and not while I dream.
You said you saw me for me
and you'd fight by my side
conquer the darkness within
and the demons in my mind
You said that in the end
it'd be you and me
so I didn't even expect
that you would suddenly leave.
There's a constant loop
that's playing in my head
"You are unworthy of love
You will never be enough"
I try to block it out
but it just won't shut up.
You took off with my heart
and I can't get it back
I don't deserve to be loved.
You taught me that.

I finally figured out why you don't want me.
You don't think I'm good enough for you
You've got me starting to really believe it.
I never thought a guy could do that to my mental health.

And I've been too busy wondering why we're not together
that I haven't had the time to notice
that being in love with you
is making me hate myself.

Just when I think I'm doing fine
living my life without you
you show up in my dreams
and I have to suppress my every urge
to drive to your house,
knock on your door
and fall to your feet.
Just when I think I'm strong
every song I hear screams your name
and I realize I'm so weak. I'm weak.
So I'm sitting here resorting to writing poems
about how much I miss you
while you're sitting less than a mile away
doing God knows what
(Oh how I wish I knew).
This is all so new to me
and I don't know what to do
because every time before this
you were always the one to leave,
not me.

I fell in love with Las Vegas
I fell in love in Las Vegas

But both the city and he
will never, and can never
love me..

No strings attached...
But what about the ones attached to my heart
And wrapped around your finger?
Just one pull and I crumble
Just one flick of the wrist
And I come undone.
No strings attached,
Isn't it great?
Yeah, until you move your hand.

And my heart breaks.

Stupid heart
It's like you have a radar
for finding guys
you can never have
and choosing them
to fall in love with.

Stupid brain
For thinking that maybe
just this once
you should ignore your instincts
and go for it anyway

Stupid girl
for already knowing the outcome
but still being heart broken by it.

You're all so ******* stupid.
(And thanks to you,
I'm in pieces.)

I want to write a love poem
one tender and sweet
one that would make anyone swoon
But in order to write a love poem
I'd have to be in love
We would have to meet.

I want to write a happy poem.
one that would make you smile
one about the beauty in this world
the birds, the sky, the clouds
but I would have to be happy
I would have to know how.

I need some inspiration
Yeah, I need a new muse.
(I'm taking applications)
I need a healthy obsession
something else to write about
other than this darkness, this depression.

So another night of watching netflix in bed,
another night spent alone.
and I'm not happy
and I'm not in love.
So just another night
writing another sad poem.

You've got me writing cliche love poems
and listening to Taylor Swift songs
You've got me sleeping as much as possible
just for the chance to see you in my dreams
You've got me spending all day miserable
because I can't be where you are
You've got me finding any excuse to text you
or doing anything to make you smile
You've got me going completely crazy
acting like those kinds of girls I laugh at.
You've got me
But I don't have you.

Turn myself to stone
to further avoid these feelings
turn my heart cold
to prepare for what's to come
scrape out my insides
make me emptier than I already am
I'm just a hollowed out tool
use me.

I'm selling myself short
giving myself away for free
loneliness knows no price
and if nobody can like me for my thoughts
my personality, my heart
at least they like my body
and how I let them
use me.

I'm slowly unraveling
leaving bits and pieces of me
everywhere that I go
and I'm trying to back track
to pick myself  up
but each time I try
the pieces disintegrate.

If only I can find a way
to get back my heart
which I left in your bed
(which I'm sure by now
you've kicked to the floor)
I could possibly
stitch myself up
But when I look into your eyes
and see only indifference
I realized, to my dismay
that I'll never get it back.
So I'll live out my life
waiting,
for the rest of me to decay.

You know how hard it is
for me to tell people how I feel
so when I told you I was feeling low
and especially alone
I was half hoping you'd hop in your car
and drive as fast as you could to get here.

But the doorbell never rang.

*You never came.

Everything around me
reminds me how lonely
I really am

tv shows,
restaurants,
long car rides

and my empty bed.

I am so
completely
*******
irrelevant
and it's
bringing me down

and I know
I know that's
how you feel
because that's what
you tell everyone
when I'm not around.

I'm not the kind of girl guys want to date.
I don't know how to do my hair
make-up, or nails.
I don't even know
how to dress myself
most of the time.
I'm awkward.
Unsexy.
Crazy.

I don't know how to dance
but I know how to throw a football.
I don't know how to cook
but I can make a basket
from the free throw line.

I'd rather go camping
than stay at a resort

I'm always
"one of the guys"
and never
the girl
guys wants to date.

I just want someone to see all the potential that I don't see in myself
Believes that I'm so much more than what I really am
Someone who'd be proud to show me off
Not be embarrassed to hold my hand.

Someone to love all the flaws that I've grown to hate
to love my imperfections and make up for all that I lack
Not someone who only loves me secretly, under the covers.
Is that too much to ask?

Or do I not deserve that?

There is only so much of yourself that you can give away
until there is nothing left
And I was giving you parts of me
that I never even had.

And it's not that I don't love you
It's just that it hurts
It's just that everything hurts

How the **** do I stop hurting?

I wake up every morning
Force myself out of bed
Maybe shower, brush my teeth
Maybe force myself to eat
Keep myself alive

But truth is I don't want to be
I pray for death daily
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
You had to meet me.

My bed feels too big
knowing you'll never share it with me again
and my heart is breaking
knowing that I'm losing my best friend
but I've wasted all the love I have
on someone who will never love me back
I've wasted over a year
trying to get you to love me
only to be left staring at my bed
and thinking how it looks so empty.

The secret's out
and now you know how I feel
thanks to an alcohol-induced break down

and hearing you say
that you don't love me back
was the most excruciating sound.

Something happened
that night
when you kissed me
in the bed that
you share with your wife.

Something wrong
and forbidden
but almost forgotten
as it's been years
since I've gotten butterflies.

But I quickly grabbed
the sharpest knife
sliced open my chest
and grounded each of
those little ******* to ash.

And I left their remains
right there
on the pillow
in the bed that
you share with your wife.

Something always brings my mind back to you.
And I'm unsure if it's to torture myself
or because I have nobody else to think about.

Or maybe it's because you were the first person
(I thought) that I loved.
But I was young(er) and (more) naive.
Although I am still those things
I'm old enough to know
all the people you want to stay
are always going to find reasons to leave.

It's been 3 years since we talked
and I'm finding it hard to remember
every little thing about you
that I once had memorized.

Like the sound of your voice
the feel of your skin
the scent of your clothes
or your taste on my lips.

I  have tried to erase every part of you.

The one thing I do remember though,
is giving you my heart
and watching you hold it in your hands-
not even glancing at it
as you dropped it and walked away,
never looking back.

And I still think about you?
What the **** is up with that?

I can't forgive myself.
I can't even like myself.

I can't look in the mirror
without wanting to shatter my reflection
into a million pieces
and use the broken glass
to draw a thick line
straight down my wrist

Not enough to die
(well, maybe.)
Just enough to feel alive.

And everyone says I need to give myself a break.
But I can't
because I'm the one human being
that I just can't seem to love.
(and nobody else can seem to, either)

Last night I drank a bottle of wine
broke down and cried
about everything
that's not going right
in my life.

Worst of all is how alone I feel
every waking moment
every breath
every second I'm alive.

If anyone were to ask me,
for some reason,
when was the last time
I was touched by someone
who loves me.
The answer would be simple.

                                      Never.

But if they were to ask
perhaps,
when was the last time
I was touched by someone
with nothing but empty,
primal lust
I would sadly have to admit
                                    
                      ­                 Last week.

Even stranger,
if they were to ask,
when was the last time
that I was left
feeling worthless
and incapable of normalcy.
There would be no answer
because it's
                                       Constant.



But they won't ask.
So I'll tell them anyway.

It's when all the lights turn off that the demons come out
I'm not talking about the ones under your bed
or the ones in your closet
but the ones lurking in the back of your mind.
All the thoughts you never knew you had
all the insecurities held deep within
come creeping behind you and tap you on your shoulder.
Don't turn around.

It's the quietest hour of the night that's the loudest of all.
All the mistakes you have made
and all the bad habits you thought you could break
scream at you so loud that your eyes sting
begging you to come back to them once again.
Don't turn around.

Face forward.
Inhale. Exhale.
Walk- with one foot in front of the other
Walk right past broken dreams,
words you regret saying- or not saying,
failures, underestimations and doubts
walk right past the people holding you back
the insults, fears, and let downs.
And, most importantly.
Don't turn around.

No matter the distance
or the setbacks,
the sticky situation
and the bad rep,
we were meant to be,
me and you
music to my ears
you're all I wanna see
let's meet in the middle
start a life together
you and me.

I was 12
when my older brother told me
that my teeth looked like
those of a rabid dog
That was the first time
I really took a look in the mirror
and felt ugly.

I was 13
when I first dragged a blade
across my skin
trying to drain the ugliness
straight from my veins.
That was the first time
that I felt in control.

I was 14
when a friend told my teacher what she saw
and I came home to my parents
sitting in the living room waiting
for me to show them.
That was the first time
that I felt betrayed.

I was 15
when I was forced to see a therapist
who stared at me with knowing eyes
waiting for me to spill
something other than my own blood.
That was the first time
that I realized how easy it is to lie.

I was 16
when I wanted to end my life
I said a few goodbyes
to some people at school
and nobody tried to stop me.
That was the first time
that I felt helpless.

I was 18
when a friend killed himself
making me realize what I didn't
have the guts to do
was the best thing I've never done.
That was the first time
I realized I wanted to live.

Now I'm 20
finally having the courage to write
what I've been waiting to for years.
No longer ashamed of my past
because it's made me who I am.
This is the first time
that I felt brave.

Sometimes at night
when I'm laying in bed
my mind won't shut off
and I get this weird feeling
                                             it's almost as if I'm sinking.

I close my eyes so tight
to try to shake this feeling
but my brain is playing reels
of film that are looping
in all the worst parts.

Then when I fall asleep
I have these dreams
where everyone just leaves me
and I try to shout out to them
but I wake up, my throat sore
almost as if I'd been screaming.

So I spend the next few hours
staring up at the ceiling
and I have this weird feeling
in my chest, in my stomach
and the only way I can
even try to describe it is-
                                         it's almost as if I'm sinking.

I had a dream last night
that you were madly,
hopelessly,
in love with me.
And not the other way around.

You hopped in your car,
drove the 1,767 miles
from where you are
to my front door
just to see me.

But I knew
something was amiss
because you would
never leave her,
the mother of
your daughter.
I don't think
I'd want you to.


So no.
I don't have you,
and you don't love me
but I have dreams

At times I think way too much and when I need to, I don't think at all
I wish there was an in between so I could stop thinking myself into this depression  that digs me deep into the ground where I can see the worms, I am one of the worms,
and the dirt is so tight around me that I can't even move, I can't even squirm.
When I try to speak, it all falls in into my mouth and all that comes out are chokes and gasps for air that is not there but miles above my head where the grass grows green.
I can't make my way up so maybe if I keep going down I'll come out on the other side of this earth where I can be in a foreign place and start new without this hurt.
The magma in the center will burn me to ash but I'll find my way to the surface with a different kind of mass
and I'll be in every plant
and I'll be in every tree
and every time you take a breath, I'll be in the air you breathe.
My soul will go on forever because it's all you'll feel and it's all you'll see
and I'll never be forgotten because you'll all be me.

Every single detail of my day
I want to share with you
-like a movie I watched
that left me feeling sad
or an excerpt in a book
that made me smile
(and think of yours)
but I can't.
Because I'm not allowed to feel the way that I do
and I can't be just friends like you want me to
and I can not sit back and watch you love her
and I can NOT love you.
But I do.

I love the feeling
when you're not TOO drunk
but jsut drunk enough
where everything feels like a movie
and you're laughing hysterically
at things that shouldn't be that funny
and you're in a car
that's driving too fast
and your life isn't yours
(thank "god")
so you can breathe for once
and sigh in relief
and just let go.

But it seems like
substances are the only thing
that can make me happy these days
I wonder what that's all about
and what will happen
tomorrow morning
when I have to wake up?
I hope that I don't have to find out.

8 days into the new year and I have already broken my resolution.

After 4 shots and 3 whiskey and cokes
God only knows what all went down.
I wake up in a daze
pick my clothes up off the floor
and curse myself out loud.

The car ride home lasted a life time.
I closed my eyes hoping that it wasn't real
that when I opened them again I'd be in my bed
alone.

Turned the shower on as hot as it gets
tried to burn off the shame
tried to scrub off the guilt
but no matter how scalding the water was,
nothing could wash away the pain.

Spent hours in my bed
not moving
because if I moved
it would mean I exist
and I don't want to.
Not anymore.

Nothing has ever made me
hate myself more.
8 days into the new year and I have already broken my resolution.

*8 days into the new year and I have already broken.

I constantly act stronger than I really am
I'm a big girl, I can handle it
It's fine, I'm fine I always claim
When behind closed doors
I break down
Every time I think of your name.

And you think we can just be friends
After everything we've been through
Like it's that simple
To just stop loving you...

I spent the first hours of the new year
laying on the floor of a guest bedroom,
drunk,
listening to you tell her how much you love her
closing my eyes
and wishing it was me.

My jealousy will always get the best of me.

I hate that I can still smell you
On my sheets long after you leave
Because when I fall asleep at night,
(Alone, like always)
It's your scent I breathe.
It's a constant reminder that I'm lonely
And that you don't love me
(you only love to **** me)

It's only when I'm left alone
in the middle of the night
staring in the dark
I think of you
and it breaks
my heart.