I used to think I had the key
or I could find the key
or make the key
but he told me
there is no key

I know he wants to be alone
he recites to me a litany of no
but he also shouts
from behind his locked door
yes
and I wish he would just stop
one or the other

dear rain
please
stop!
I have to paint!
I have important Things to do!
my porch is not going to finish remodeling itself!

also
my flowers want me to tell you
so I will
begrudgingly
and contrary to my own desires…

thank you

be aware, gentle hearts
your most powerful and beautiful traits can be turned against you
it’s no one’s fault
your weakness is your strength
out of balance

just flip a coin
you’ll be right as rain

green bean
don’t be so mean
just come clean
I know you want to be seen

hiding under the leaves
don’t be such a tease
your song has been sung
it’s time to please
my tongue

the peas are delicious
and perfectly sweet
they are my gardens
most delightful treat
pretty yellow flowers
and crunchy plump pods
vines swirling up
tendrils reaching for the gods
heavenly peas
fresh and new
I hope you don’t mind
I’m going to eat you

why didn’t you ever want more?
I don’t understand
is this really all you wanted?
really?
were you loving someone else?
was someone else loving you?
did I meet some obscure niche in your life?
these are rhetorical questions
a reflection of my bafflement
despite our storied past
I am not a disturbed person
I think you know this
maybe that’s how you know it never would have worked
I’m a healthy person
I won’t accept your half measures
you have whole measures, you do
that you choose not to share
somewhere inside you is a real thing
and I have loved it
every bit of you I have loved

but that real thing, you
maybe give him a chance too

I press my hand to my rib cage
feel my heart’s persistent throb
it seems so small and vulnerable
this tiny gentle creature
pressing softly against my fingers
each pulse almost a question
is this right?
should I be here?
was this an invitation?
meant for me?
yet it continues
steady and uncertain
faithful and dumb
altruistic and alone
thank you little heart
you efforts are not forgotten

if you give up
and walk away

know this

                        it will never

                                                    be

             ok

it’s always tempting to blame myself
I can see the attraction
having a safe target
to take out my anger and frustration
to feel in control
with the illusion that self improvement could fix it
it’s preferable to accepting
that there is nothing at all I can do
maybe this is where the locus of fear comes from
growing slowly each morning in my stomach
I am alone
one of the many islands created in the deluge of our global actualization
we are each alone in our chrysalis
a symphony of painful transformations
does the moth think it has a choice?
does it always survive?

every day I release pains into the air
tufts of dandelion that ignite under the sun
I offer up the hurts
sacrifices to a blank slate
so I can appreciate a new day
so I can appreciate life
so I can keep loving

I’m under the sun’s sweltering microscope
a single bead of sweat slips between my *******
the wind intervenes on my behalf  
swaying with my pretty dress
I appreciate the cherry red vintage firebird to my left
the enormous bursting Christmas white hydrangeas to my right
it’s a short walk
past stately buildings and old trees
people scattered on benches and lawns
or meandering past with their own brown bags
it’s a beautiful day
in my sleepy capital

remember that morning?
I was wearing pajamas, an old sweatshirt
mismatched hat
I hadn’t brushed my hair
when I saw you
I threw my arms around you gleefully

that’s really all you ever needed to know
about me

be happy
be healthy
be safe
be free

I will be here
still
waiting for someone
who wants to want
and need
and love
me

the earth holds the moon in its steady and permanent grip
the moon pulls on the waters with longing
today I don’t have the strength
to withstand the push and pull of the tide
today I don’t have the mind
to navigate celestial bodies
today I let the waves toss me onto the shore
as the ocean retreats
today I rest on the beach
watching others play in the surf

the kitty stretches
lithe across her feather bed
she’s ready for belly rubs and head scratches
purring contentedly in her oasis of pillows and toys
she dreams, paws twitching
her mischievous kitty dreams

while words hold a great deal of fascination
from the heart, much is lost in translation

rain all day
wash my blues away
when I look underneath
at the color true
I find
that it is also blue!

my body aches
come press yourself to me
all our pains will dissolve
like magic
open your heart and mind
let my endless love absolve the misery
we can rest now
in the quiet gentle stillness
of us

I would have happily stayed in
with my tea
and your chips
watching the latest episode of our thing
falling asleep
in the dwindling electronic light
one of us dragging the other to bed

I would have happily done that
instead

the smoke passes over my lips
as you once did
the present and the past confer
as legislators
on important matters
of global concern

I miss you
even though
there is so little
to miss

I knew it would end this way
with me running haphazardly
with a stick
after hours
“am I alright?”
of course
it’s only fate
and the smooth branch of time
to worry

it’s a beautiful night here
but the moon doesn’t know it
he can’t see behind the thick curtain
and he won’t come out tonight
we miss you moon
you’re the only thing missing
from this star crossed
Sisyphean night

those who wish to remain hidden
should not befriend those
with x-ray vision

ocean
river
lake
brook
pond

you are my home

in the afternoon sun
the evening rain
the soft morning breeze

in the
still
moon
light

I want you

I traced your lines so many times
you are engraved in my brain
I’m just not sure what the message is

your face still keeps me company
slipping from shadowy corners of my mind
I’m still holding your hand
in a treasured memory
I stopped pretending you would come
my heart hurts all the time
I guess I’ll get up and have breakfast

Atreyu’s horse sinks steadily into the mud
his weak limbs cease to move
white coat turns dark
his heart races in fear as he’s slowly entombed
Atreyu shrieks in tears
pulling on him not to give up
it’s no use
the swamp of sadness has swallowed hope
Artax is gone
Atreyu must go on alone
with only his grief and memory

I am a lonely watering can hanging in a dark shed
I have a flower pattern outside
and cobwebs inside

my fortune cookie told me to unfurl my fantasies
that’s like telling a person stranded in the middle of the ocean they should go for a swim

there’s nothing in this world to count on
not even your own thoughts
each person is a boat lost in a sea of illusory context
the mast holds as long as the weather
sometimes there’s a fantastic sunset
sometimes there’s sharks
all you can do is touch the water
and tell yourself that you exist

my dog is trying to meld his body into mine
perhaps he thinks he can protect me from the dangers inside as well as out

I was wild, she said, always hanging off the rafters
I figured she put me in gymnastics because I was difficult
probably annoying
years later she said that wasn’t true
she didn’t know why I thought such a thing
but it was too late
it had become a foundation block of my self perception
now I just do everyone a favor
and stay at the gym as long as possible
it’s not a bad place to self quarantine
I like it there
everyone likes me there
in fact, I might go now

I don’t need to be gazing always at the sky
though the stars inspire my dreams
they are desolately distant, and space is cold
their stories and movements are outside the span of my life
I could be content staring at the ground instead
bury myself in soil and seasons
the blooming of flowers is lovely and tangible
and happens in a day  
they wrap my heart in joy and color
under the warmth of the sun

I do love both
but perhaps I should get my head out of the clouds
and focus on what I can touch in front of me now

I’m breaking up with you alcohol
we had a great run
but it’s over
you should know
I’ve been seeing someone else
a tall drink of water
he’s everything I need
there’s someone out there for you though
keep your spirits up

please don’t show up when I’m out with my friends
or come around looking for your favorite glass
that will just be awkward
I’ve put all your stuff on the curb
someone will be picking it up in the morning
good bye

good morning my spell binding art
your elegance has captured me
you are a puzzle of forests
a clock from a dimension of colors
a sculpture of melodies and feathers
I admire you from every angle with decadent longing
I shall disintegrate into a dust of ecstasies
and linger in the air around you
breath me in so that we can become one
the treasure and the light
the lover and the love
the pulse and the reason
for existence

could you ever love me
as much as poetry?

I would like to crawl into your bed
I would be
whichever spoon you want
or
we could fork

little bits of song
and silence
I would never
shy away
from you

there is a darkness
and a silence
and all the while it is my fate to suffer
for you

all of the thoughts
and feelings
for better or worse
belong to you

I am
perpetually and
inevitably
yours

I am whipped into airy sweetness
a spoonful of meringue on the dessert of your choosing
a delicate confection
I will melt in your mouth

I hear the rain
like the forest
there is no other sound
just existence
of rain
surfaces
textures
resonance
of shapes
the fullness of rain
in every sense
consumes me
I am complete
in the symphony
of rain

I gobble them up
the words
like a woman starving

in less than a year
they’ve all left me
those closest to me
my buoys in the sea
I drift now
alone
and you
my north star
still twinkling in a distant sky

I am a flower in the rain
drooping with fat drops rolling off my petals
I know the water will make me bigger
stronger
but for now
I keep my head down and weather the storm
wait for the sun
wait for the sun
wait for the sun

tiny yellow flowers are winking at me
very slowly

every morning they get started
like a long slow yawn
stretching
stretching
stretching
their little petals wide

around midday they’re open and alert
looking around curiously at their neighbors
the grass
and saying hello to me on my lunch break

then they get sleepy
starting to close up shop at dusk
good night now, they sing softly,
sweet dreams
closing
closing
closing
their delicate lashes as the sun slips away

the daily blink