is the panic caused by sadness?
or is the panic the culprit?
why the violent bashing of my heart
like an angry ape pounding the earth?
why the weakness in my limbs
****** dry of life and joy?
begone dark creature feeding on my fears

he is the only muse that ever existed
in all the world

you don’t know it
but you’re writing about him right now

the day doesn’t know
whether to rain or shine
it’s ok day
I’m having trouble too
keeping my kite in the sky

your face is very easy to kiss
your hand is very easy to hold
your heart is very is easy to love
on you, dear, I was easily sold

in your thought I am happily lost
in your life I would happily live
in your arms I would happily stay
your mistakes, dear, I happily forgive

don’t give me any buts
and I won’t give you any
except maybe one small ****
which is perfectly acceptable

I cannot reach past my skin today
my self stays inside the safe beautiful place
today I am the flower
not the gardener

the rainbow in the window is comforting
when I see it I feel secure
like everything is going to be ok
my heart beats a little looser
like a jungle drum at dusk
     a deep thrumming echo in a forest cathedral
sometimes I stare at it for too many seconds
captured by the mesmerizing peace
when I move on
I carry it as long as my heart can hold

I can barely take care of my self
let alone this whole house
but I’m glad it exists
I like the space
I like not feeling claustrophobic
I like the long walk from the kitchen
through all the rooms
up the stairs
through all the rooms
to the bathroom

there’s lots of potential in all the spaces
I have plans for every corner
every wall
murals and tapestries and furniture that doesn’t exist
or at least I’ve never seen anything like it
what’s in my mind
it all exists in my mind
even if in reality it’s just blank

I think my self is a lot like this

this day is grey
inside and out

I’m much too intoxicated to write this poem
the title is all I know
not any associated sentiment
what does it even mean?!?
surely
nothing

I can see
just now
this very moment
how you would think me a liar

because I remember that night
(so long ago)
when you complained
I look so young
(like, jealously)

and I said—

you look young too…

but you called me a liar

you called me a liar
but it was true
it was true and I believed it
but you couldn’t

it’s just like when I tell you
—I love you—

my love language is music
I am transported to a place where my feelings are real
I can say what is true in my heart
I can fly in dreams and other worlds
and love
love is real
in music

but I have never
never sent someone a mixed tape
or a playlist
or even a song
I have never felt compelled to share
what is in my heart
I have never felt those fantastical feelings
for a real person

well, that’s not entirely true

there was this one person
…

I love with a ragged hope
that he will come to me
while trying to go on with my life
in a happy way

a beautiful sleep
makes a beautiful me

I am a tiny elephant
riding my handsome donkey
into a wonderland of dreams

you tell me
do I see you?
do I see
all of you
yet
in the smoke
in the mirrors
in the moonlight…?

because I feel you

everywhere

I can’t keep my mouth shut, he said
same, dude, same

we met through our kids
I developed an instant crush
I was in a bad relationship
and it was nice to feel good again
I sought his company more and more
every few weeks or months
first with our kids
then alone, just us
I invited him out to lunch
I took him for walks on the trails
and around our neighborhood at night
I asked him out with my friends
silly laughing drunken evenings
I wanted to see him always
I was elated and full to bursting with him
he was friendly and funny
we told each other about our lives
I thought he liked me
but he never asked me out
it was always me
I thought he was too shy
then one night we kissed
and kissed and kissed
that was all
but it was wonderful
something broke inside me
all my desires came flooding to the surface
but he was very drunk
in the morning he said he didn’t remember
he said it was a mistake
I couldn’t make the feelings go back though
I tried to make it keep happening
but he told me no
he told me stop
so I did
I never asked him out again
and we never spent time together again

I’m not sure when I started noticing the poetry
it was so long ago
it was after I told him about the poetry
so I thought it was him
it was exciting and ****
it was torturous desire
he talked about his feelings for me
he talked about our time together
I fell in love with him
more than love
I became obsessed with him
but when I asked, he said it wasn’t him
they were just coincidences
it was just poetry
anonymous poetry
I fell apart
the fantasy was the only glue holding me together at that point
I couldn’t let it go

I still don’t know what’s real
I’ve lived in a web of lies and manipulations
should I have known?
at some point I realized the posts were not just about our time together
they were about my life
everything I did
all my conversations
everything in my phone
I confronted him again
again, he said it wasn’t him
the person who hacked my phone
who watched me and heard everything
who posted mirrors of my life
and my fantasies of him
I believed him at first
I thought it was a stranger
because of Chou Chou
she said she knew the stalker
she said he was a catfisher
she said he was her errant lover
and I should stay away
I told her he was stalking me
she didn’t believe me
no one did
I called the police
I got a new phone
he always found me
and they never found him
he’s not in the country, they concluded
there’s nothing we can do
change your passwords
so I did
over and over

somehow over the years
I convinced myself it really was him
my crush
he loved me
he wanted me
it had to be him
the belief was thrilling, soothing, ecstatic
I left him notes and cards
I texted him, “ran into him” on the street
he never responded
to anything
but the posts were very convincing to the contrary
it was like he was trying so hard not to be seen
that he shown like a neon sign
I could find meaning in every vague post
you know how it is
you’ve experienced it too
you think you know what it means
you think it applies to you
it’s poetry
it applies to everyone, doesn’t it?
he’s not talking about me
is he?

for a long time the posts were sweet
but after a long while I noticed a mean streak
I tried to ignore it
love one day
hostility the next
sweetness, then attack
adoration, then judgement
promises of future affection
then mocking withdrawal
this person is messing with me, I thought
this person, whoever he is
wants to hurt me
I stopped trusting
I stopped trusting the anonymous stalker I fell in love with
I stopped trusting the shy sweet damaged man who loved me
I stopped trusting fate, love, desire, joy

I struggled, I still struggle, to consider others
to consider any romantic love at all
to rediscover faith
in anyone
in anything

the world is not a place I understand
I realize that now
more clearly than ever before
people don’t care when it seems they do
there are people damaged in ways I can’t comprehend
there are people who want to harm and humiliate others
for reasons unfathomable to me
I feel this now
I don’t know what I experienced
but I feel this possibility now
in ways that, yes, I understood before
but did not feel or believe
I kept, I keep, going through the loop

it happened again recently
every time I find out new information
about my crush
I look back and the puzzle piece posts click into place
oh, I think, that’s what this was about
I understand now
it wasn’t meant to hurt me
it’s easy to think everything is about you
when someone has stalked you
it’s easy to be paranoid and reactive
it’s easy to create stories
stories of harm based on your fear
stories of love based on your desire
to link things together where there is no link

fears and desires can shred you down to nothing
no reality, no attachment, no ground, no sky
no judgement, no defense

just a self, a pulse, an existence, a center
both empty and full

and eventually, in the silence
in the peaceful breath
hopefully
a nudge
to love again

the sky was big tonight
really big
the moon could handle it though
she stood alone, strong and bright
lighting the way for the entire firmament
as the world kept falling over its axis

napping in the sun
head filled with visions of love
peace in the heart
divine

he’s beautiful
every time I see a new picture
I want to live in it forever
I want to leap off the cliff
and glide into the valley
surrender to ocean current
let it carry me to uncertain sea
step off the platform
and be hit by the train

I just want that rush
injected straight into my heart
wake suddenly from the lonely dream
panting and gasping and grasping

and he is there
eyes, arms, flesh, blood, love, love, love

do you mean anything
you say or do?
is there any reason at all
I should trust you?

my plants are in their containers
trying to pull themselves out
having gotten impatient with my relaxing Sunday morning routine
—we’ve been here since yesterday morning!!
they shout, leaves and roots all antsy-ing about
—put us in the ground Now!!

and I, slave to my garden,
set down my tea,
and dutifully comply

the wind died down
the fire was spent
the company left
but the embers were still burning
I smoked
then
alone

I’m one of those lucky people
whose toast always falls
peanut butter side up

it’s not that I forget bad things happened
I remember
bad things happened
I just don’t remember what they were

don’t lay around waiting for the vultures
they’re not coming

I turned off my phone and discovered
a whole other life

you will all be happy to hear
that squirrel #3 is free and clear
with nary a scratch
I did so successfully catch
and release
the rambunctious little dear

my poetic license was called into question due to a recent incident on the poetry highway
but the cops showed up and cleared me
they determined it was the other guy’s fault

** hum
I’m a lonely mum
with only a dog,
a grumpy grouch
it’s rainy, it’s grey
and do I dare say
other company
could be much more fun
on this couch

the poor guy still up in my attic  
needs to understand
he can be free
all his dreams of reunion can come true
he just needs to go into the scary place
first
just for a few minutes
ok maybe an hour or two
but then he can be free
forever
it’s not a trap
it’s the only way out

Live in the looping moment of balance!

                                Share the bliss of fingertips!

           Open hidden passages!

                                                      ­  Bring love!

I am a cattail
swaying in the wake of a lazy fish

I caught squirrel teenagers!
adorable hooligans
crashing about my attic
their mom has been giving me the stink eye for days
from the porch, the roof line, the lawn chairs
ever since I blocked her entrance
and their exit
so I was very pleased with myself this morning
when I released two rascals into the garden
she watched sternly from above
Look! I shouted up at her, fanning my arms wide
Your babies!!
they skittered away full of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
she screeched at me a bit
and bounded off
I had the disappointing sense
I was not redeemed

I am a tunnel between sunrise and sunset
life breezes through me
time stands still inside me
I am invisible to the wind
I am invisible to myself

that was such a great day
we had a picnic on the dock and laid around holding hands
we laughed so hard telling stories
when the sun was setting he kissed me in the waning light
the moon was a pale wafer in the sky
we said sweet things and held each other close
our bodies fit together like long lost puzzle pieces
our hearts softened with relief and devotion
we made a love only found by dreamers and fools

life is madness
and I am full
of life

the rain has come for me
to say all the things I no longer can

Rosco, my sweet, you are taking up too much of my bed
your twitching feet are filling me with dread
I love you devoted pup
but you are keeping me up
and it isn’t very pleasant in my head

my dog sniffs me frantically
where have you been?
is there food that I missed?
there are smells I do not recognize
were there other dogs?
I do not smell other dogs
does this mean anything for me?
I do not think this means anything for me
but I must go outside Now
and *** everywhere
let me out
Now

the moon was hiding in plain site
well, half of her was
she was staring down unabashedly at me in broad daylight!
I knew I was being watched!

dear crocus
you are like a **** librarian
with your rich violet petals peaking timidly from spears of green
****** and demure
I will paint my dreams with you tonight

tiny red swirls erupt slowly from the soil
very lascivious and naughty
I’ll keep my eye on them
sneaky spreading succulents

I feel very two dimensional tonight
what’s the point of three dimensions when nothing is real?
it seems very decadent and unnecessary
we are spoiled gods
squandering the wealth of our space time continuum

the earth will consume our hubris
and every part of us attached to it

do not put dead fish on your dating profile
no one likes that
unless you’re doing it ironically
then you must make that very clear
also, keep your clothes on
I don’t even know you
sincerely,
**** single lady you are not dating

love visited in my dream
smoothing my muscles and my mind
now I’m a little pancake
soft, fluffy and sweet
I’m ready
please add syrup

I have to get something off my chest…

I love cheese dip
and I’m not talking about fancy cheese dip
I mean straight out of the tin
100% processed, chemical
no cheese involved cheese dip

also

** **’s
man, that’s just childhood bliss
pure preservative laden childhood bliss
that’s “my mom loves me and life is good” sugar

corn dogs
who doesn’t love corn dogs?
minions of satan that’s who
and orange crush
peanut m&ms
******* jack popcorn
there was a cheap toy inside
a tattoo, or a plastic ring…

I was one of those kids
innocent, hopelessly naive, vulnerable

and

******* world

I still am