they say, it's normal to be lost.
they say, it's usual to feel so insecure.
they claim
there's nothing wrong with feeling ill
unsafe.
advise:
stay brave.

they say, it's normal to be doubtful
it's ok to feel like ghost
sometimes in this life you're the guest
and not the host.
they say, keep at it, carry on, see where it goes
like water in the river
at times your life streams, flows
at times you reach the waterfall
all plummets dead.
it breaks on rocks, it burns in flames
the fires red.
keep your head up
and keep your faith stronger than ever
all bad will pass
darkness is no more than a fever

my mascara became my foundation
and my lipstick now turned into blush.
just like you once were my inspiration
just like our car ride is now a car crash.

and my hair used to be bright and healthy
my skin used to feel lively to touch.
now i can't even see my reflection
i don't think i have got one as such.

once i smiled and felt so rejoicefull
now i can't look up, not when you're there
never thought i could be so regretful
left alone with so much love to spare.

i won't hold on to you, you are hollow
empty like a life for those who live
once they no longer have who to follow
and they're just not yet ready to lead.

only the guy above knows i have suffered
tortured like a witch, like a weak slave
i will always love you, you're unworthy,
but your cowardliness did make me brave.

and i dont want to go to sleep
for morning wont heal hearts.
and i dont want to stay awake so
i can feel all of my shattered *****'s parts.

no i dont want to be in my right mind
when i suddenly realise what i had had
it's been a year. i dreaded this day now
a year you've gone away and i am still in need, in need of you

my hands will hold you while my eyes cant see
my hearing will help find you when my legs wont lead
and when im breathless i will finally start living
for i ll forget who you are, yes, im willing.

Your hands are cold and so thin
Your touch makes me shiver, burn my skin
You walk around like you have it all.

Your stare is bounding I am tied down
Your breath leaves me hanging over the ground
I d drop my all to run when you call.

Those nights when darkness swallows my pride
I'd do whatever to make you mine
I'd close my eyes and surrender love
I'd grin in pain under your weight
I'd sit on the edge I would just wait
To be abused to be your slave
I'd dig my own, my own deep grave

you know it's been a long time,
since i got burnt so much.
you know i made myself die
oh my, so many times.
i got bruised, beaten and swore
i d never cry again,
but then i met your heart and your eyes
that brought me so mach pain.
i thought i could hold on to what we
've created within months
but that wasn't enough to live but
it was enough to last.
and i would curl up on the floor and
cry until my mind'd go blind and
i would knock on locked doors and gates
but nothing i could find.
the times when i was ready to get
my memories and hope and leave
and follow you to the edge the world
but your glance is so stiff.
you took my hopes not leaving a trace but
i knew it was you and not the place
where i am right now or have ever been
i hope now this will never happen
again.

come hold my hand
i think
come accidentally touch
my arm
i hope.
Stand near
i pray so i can feel your warmth
come close
i cry and call
come close.
Admire from afar
I hope you are.
Think of me before sleep
then dream so deep.
i think.
"Come close
i call
come stand right next to me
so i can feel your warmth"
i hope you think.
Be dismal, be dejected, feel refused.
Call me when slumbering not by my name
but call your muse.
Feel hopeless but feel fearless
spread your wings
but be so shy around me, trembling knees.
I think
come hold my hand
i hope
stand near, stand close.
dont talk just be there
by chance touch my arm
at last be caught up in the nets of my blunt charm.
i think
i am not worthy of your glance, your smile
i hope
maybe  my thoughts will turn out to be true...?
denial.

Are you in love I asked
But no reply
Are you in agonising pain
No answer. Why?

Are you in love repeated once again
Did you ignore so as not to pretend?
Did you remain so silent to play safe
Or did you lose your ways riding the waves

Are you in love I begged
Over and over
Is there someone youd dare to call your lover
Is there a soul youd confide every sin
Is there a heart that beats with yours in synch
Is there a hand youd hold through thick and thin
Are you in love
Of whom are all your dreams?
Are you in love?
Are you in pain?
You given up?
's there faith behind your name?
Whatever happens
Tiredness will pass
"No" you replied.
I wished I'd never asked.

With eyes wide open I step outside
The air fills up my lungs for first time in a while
Never girlfriend and never a bride
I put on the most painful and  deceitful smile

Youll believe what you see when you look at me
You wont doubt for a second im alright I breathe well
I have learnt how to hide im choking under your spell

it's in the depths of his eyes
where the sky is so clear
it's without any disguise
my soul was resting until…

until you came around
i was safe and sound
until and you came about

I used to be so strong
my bones could stand the storm

he buried all of my dreams
replacing mine with his

he messed up all my routes
not leaving any clues
where i could find him, how
i need you so much now.

You feel like the sun
So hot and im melting
You look like the ocean
So boundless and tempting

Just like cold air
I feel you
Like rain you wash my smiles
In your tides im caught up
After walking for miles

I need you
like never before.
want to sit
right beside you
on a couch, on the floor
on the ground
in the mud
in the rain
in the storm
i dont care where i sit
as long as in the same home.

oh my lord please stop hurting me
i havent done anything wrong
through every war i went,
survived every bitter storm.

oh my lord please save me
from pain that is growing inside
i wish i could tell you everything
and you could just make it right.

my saviour, my angel, my dearest
i pray to you every night
please take care of those who are nearest
please save my fragile heart.

but you never listen to my pleas
you never vow to protect back
you stare and nod and promise
while im covering my tracks.

Stumbling and tipsy
Make my way through the crowd
Trying hard not to fall down
Not to **** up trying hard.
Forgot to keep my head up
Forgot to keep my back straight
Hoping us seeing each other
Will end with figure of eight

you know
sometimes i miss first winter snow.
sometimes i miss your stare, your words, your scent.
i rarely say this,
but im all yours in the end.

you know
sometimes i cant sleep days, and weeks at most
sometimes i 'm so deep in my thoughts
resemble ghost.

you know
sometimes i wish you'd mend what has been broken
sometimes i wish you'd say what's left unspoken
sometimes i wish you'd solve what has been tangled
you know
sometimes i wish
love weren't violent.

yes you could say i daydream way too much
sometimes so often, boundaries disappear as such.
it's easier
to climb the stairs with wings
but my escape-
a run on broken limbs.

every step i take causes so much distress
every breath rips apart ribcage
in this race
you know
sometimes i miss first winter snow
because i met you on the day
it covered my sore wounds
with innocent pure glow.

now there is mud
and slash
quicksand.
i rarely say this
but im still yours in the end.

I don't know what it is that makes me love you
What makes the skies seem clear only above you
And. I know we live miles away, and pages
Thousands of words away, and worlds and dreams and stages.

I wish to meet the real you and be loved
For what I am for what I stand
Be taken;
For what you are, for what it's worth
For maybe we could be happy together
Be forsaken.

I'm not the one you tried and changed the world for
I'm not the one you saved, you cherished, loved
But hoping one day I can meet the real you
You ll save me from my life for what it's worth.

Your heart will break over and over
When you meet one
Who blows your cover;
The world will end with every morning
To be reborn through pain and mourning.
Cold water burns your skin like fire
But flames won't leave even a mark
Because compared to inside sorrow
A knife that sticks out of your back
Is safer.
A gun that's being held to my head
A noose tired firmly round my neck
Poison in coffee when days start
I'd rather choose over your heart.

you can't buy love
but you can buy a ****.
you can't buy happiness
or time you won't get back.

you can buy beauty, health and friends
you can buy anything
so look after your wealth!

you can't buy…oh
wait, you can buy it all!
as long as you have enough money to your name
the world will lie at your feet and follow every step you take.

love is love and i'll never recover.
Love is love and i'll always relapse
every time i think i've got it covered
you pop up and i cant think that much.

just a phrase, nothing promising, heavy
but for some reason always enough
to throw me off a cliff, feeling dreary
with this creepy and neurotic laugh.

and i see you once every year
but in my head we're never afar
and i carry this lingering fear
i will die never crossing your path.

love is love so i'll never feel better
i will never feel entirely free.
im relapsing, but you've got it covered
love is love, woe is me, woe is me.

nothing can keep me occupied
im bored of all i love
his eyes are light somewhere deep down
and off the edge im shoved.
restless im pacing round the room
no corner to escape
dont want to sit, no strength to stand
and fainting comes so soon
the noose inside my chest is spiked
and off my feet im swooshed
no turning back, no drinking less
as off the brink im pushed.

with my hand on my heart
i let you go
i watch you turn around
and the pain slowly grows.

as my eyes fill with sea
and my soul is in pieces
all that we have been through
races through my bones swiftly.

im afraid to inhale
in case you start to speak.
and i want to hear everything
you dare to think

with my hand on my heart
i make a promise to love you
till last memory fades
and even beyond that too.

as my sea is now ocean
as my heart is now broken
and i watch you leave us
i can feel my palms soaking.

please don't do this to me
please don't go
please come back
yes i know we will fight
we will curse and break up

but i want all of that
nothing worthy is easy
and you are more than worthy
of the hell that i'm living.

he takes off her coat and hangs near the mirror
Gently whipers don't worry my dear
It won't hurt.
He takes off her jacket undoing her shirt
If you could read her mind you wouldnt learn what she slurred
In the desperate moment
When noone dares to look
She is scared as a rabbit
That's just been caught by a Wolf
Not the first time she trembles
But first time feels ashamed
Not the first time shes kissing
First time her thoughts are hissing
Like white noise in her head.

the lack of air makes me feel just as if
i lost you and with you away went ground beneath my feet.

Is this what mother calls 'the purest love'
when you curse your child like he is no god.
you bring him down and make sure they know fully well
you regret giving birth to them.
that's how my mother treated me my whole not so long life
now that i'm lying breathless, pale so lifeless
she oh finally seems like she does mind.
and still she looks and says:
"what a disgrace! you could have taken pills!
save what you had of a such pretty face! "
little she knows i hear every word.
i hear her sigh, her heart has already burnt
all memory of me and what i left
is no longer alive. she took my life but got away with theft.
oh mother! why couldn't you love me!
i tried to clear the skies above your head!
oh mother! why couldn't you trust me
forgive me my mistakes. but you cut the last thread.
my hollow body's hanging on a noose.
my legs are finally seem skinny,
clothes are loose.
i finally have that light in my eyes
oh, woe is me, to shine i had to die.
oh mother, i prayed please don't torture me
but you had different view on what daughter should be
if only i was loved and understood
maybe i would be happier than i thought i ever could.

it s so, so hard to keep my cool and smile

you dont want to grow up and i ve been grown up for a long, long while

now. sometimes i feel you ll leave me i dont make you happy

and then i try but crying just does nothing.

you never feel my tears in any texts

you dont feel pain in my voice when i speak

but probably im just to much of hopeless and lost child

who knocks on closed doors going sad and wild.

he doesnt mind the pills beside my bed;
and i never wished i'd loved someone else instead;
we both are parts of one whole, left and right
to my deaf ears- he's hearing;
to his blindness i am sight.

he doesnt mind me screaming when the clock stops;
he wipes the tears off of my face with his;
i'd never thought i'd know what it is like to not be hopeless
i never thought i'd call what i feel bliss.

he takes my hand and guides me to a place
where i have never been before;
and at his pace
i notice every detail, every layer to the core
the air i breathe in is enough- i need no more.

he doesnt mind the pills beside my bed
he looks so closely at the noose around my neck;
he listens closely when the wine invades my head
he is the warmth when i am cold and i cant feel
a thing;
he loves me.
he adores me.
he's not real...

When the last leaf has reached the ground
And sky gets filled with innocent white snow
You ll start to see what you have found
Reveal the love you re desperate to show
The lightning strikes in your bright soul
We chose disguises for us all
To hide away from all the pain
Convince we dont waste life away.

sometimes i am
sometimes I'm not
sometimes my mind tights into knots.
sometimes it's pain
sometimes it's bliss,
yesterday's burn
today's a kiss.

If beauty will be this world's superhero
Who will save human race from chasing it?
It will all become clear when end comes reeling
We're killing what we did not help to build

With every word of critique we establish
Ourselves within ourselves
But nothing more
We hurt like we have right to be so savage
We sting as if we don't leave scars at all.

i dont need many words to say
how desperately i wanted you to stay.
how i would hold you in my arms until i die
until there s nothing left but ashes in my eyes.
i  told you i would never leave your side
i promised i would learn to get it right
amongst these ugly faces and mad thoughts
i try and find the hope i need the most.
so what s that that you said the other  day
you weren’t ready well neither am i, i say
but i want to be with you every waken second
hold your hand when you re feeling down or lonely or just mad
i want to be there while i can remember how fast you force to beat my silly heart.

it's hard to wake up...
When it's light, but you can feel the dark.
you dont want to get up
you can barely inhale
every chord of your soul
begs for mercy and bail.

you cant look straight ahead
you look back and regret
you cant rejoice or smile
slumber, constant denial.

you can sleep when you're dead
they said.
you can do this and that
but what
i spent years asking
please send help.
i guess i have to wait till im dead.
they said.

When i was drunk and broken
you took my pain away
you heard the words unspoken
when i was young and broken.

When i was mad and angry
you cleared my veins from pain
you took away my envy
when i was lost and angry.

What do i know about life and its beauty
everyone seems to be born knowing what they have to do
but i could never cope with assigned to me duty.
i’m just stuck in this hell i’m going through.

Sit and don't make a sound;
your world's not stage-
but playground.

Paint with black and white
but don't mix;
every new shade or colour
bring hope one day you'll be fixed.

But they lie.

You will never be whole,
and pain will never subside.
Let it go, make your peace;
embrace the highest of tides
let it eat you, consume you
let it bruise and assume you
let it puncture, and pierce
may its power be fierce.

Feel it
feel sadness drown you
in desire to die;
feel it,
let it define you;
and turn your voice to faint cry.

Sit and listen,
and learn;
patiently wait for your turn;
one day the tide will back down,
and come for you
will the ground.

Kind hearts aren't meant to be used
Tender skin shouldn't carry a bruise.
Airy lungs - not for smoke,
But what I carry I broke,
And Ive burnt every safety fuse.

Universe is for all not for one
And our work although started-
It will never be done;
Spirit living in every
Shouldn't sleep, shouldn't rest
What I treasured and carried
Has been lost or misplaced.

Smiles meant to be honest
Not forced through teary eyes
Laughter is sign of happiness
Not despair in disguise.

If we all think the same
If we play the same game
Why are rules for each different
Why Am I not let play.

sometimes it's healthy to just sit in silence
focus on your body and your thoughts
notice sounds around you when no body
is tearing you apart or holding you by throat.

there is a road that i have travelled
they is a heart that i have broken
in so many ways my life has been so
empty and  hollow, words are unspoken.

there are the eyes i havent seen yet
i havent fallen in love or sinned and
there is so much i want to be
but nothing matters
when you arent with me.

i sing the words i read on billboards
i rhyme the letters of complains
even the worst that could bring me down
i will let it wait, the whole world awaits

there is a road that i've not travelled
there is a dream i havent lived
there is this love i havent given
there is so much i want to give.

THere is a face, a soul, a person
i havent met yet in my tracks
there is a hand i havent held but
but new hope is born with a new tusk.

i recognised the song that you put on
and thought i love this song, i'll sing along!
but after the first note i hit i thought
"wait up a minute, you cant sing you idiot."
so i sat quietly and waited 'til it ended;
that you did NOT hear my flat note
oh you pretended.
and i believed i had ******* up all chances
for moonlit walks and singable romances.
but you were maybe drunk
or maybe stupid
or maybe, i hope so, struck by a cupid
you didnt judge, you didnt even comment
you let it pass- horrific, silly moment.
and i am not the perfect one, you see
and i am not the most of what could be
and yes i spent all evening slurring words
mixing two languages, i wish you spoke my first.
it was so awkward and embarrassing i thought
and flirt -is not something i'd ever master,
but after this- our horrible disaster-
im so love, oh i am so in love.

your very best
my very worst
your heart is healed
my pipes have burst
youre warm and dry
im soaking wet
youre home and full
im rarely fed.
you're bright and well
im tired and coy
youre confident
i am destroyed.
what happened
nothing i reply
i am ecstatic
i am fine.

Lay with me one last time
Hold me close, breathe me in
Cuddle thoughts of our past
Dark times are creeping in.

Lay with me one last time
Wrap your arms and your soul
Around me, let me know
what you feel, how you're hurt.
let me know, let me know.

Stay with me one last time,
before we part for good
we dont have hours left
i'd stop time if i could.

Be with me, oh, please be
i am hurting all over
pain has now taken over
i cant see.

Shut my eyes dead
i cant see you go
i wont let myself see you walk out of that door.

lay with me one last time
Stay with me, hold me close.
put your hand on my heart, feel it bleed, feel it stop.
lay with me one last time
While i die in this pose.

i wandered amongst lifeless souls
where were my thoughts i called my home
where i left love i called the past
and what i found, forget i must.
i ve battled fears and unknown dreams
seems like i havent slept in weeks
you were the best thing in my life
until you said i aint the right.
person for you and i should leave
wipe clean the feelings that i breed
i want to go, i want to stay
where i am found i would remain
no more sweet words and cruel jokes
you wont cut deeper than my thoughts
as soon as you have left my head
i ll start to plan what lies ahead.
as soon as you have left my heart
stopped being my life's the biggest part
you have become my own mistake
my one regret, a promise i won't ever break.
sometimes i reckon its my turn
to suffer like the rest of us
then i see my self turn to dust
along with bridges that i ve burnt
the happier you get the worse
my love's become my only curse
my friend's become the death of me
how could i foolishly believe
that someone would be true to us
someone would clean my dark grey skies.
i was so wrong, that 's why it burns
i wish for one day we switched turns.
i would be happy i am free
and you would die inside and bleed.
your eyes would fill with smoke and ash
your ears would ring, and system crash.
you wouldnt stand straight
wouldnt care,
before you go to sleep, so scared
you would be crying all night long
your tears turn red
your limbs go cold.
then you would go back to yourself
all happy free in love with else.
and i dont care, and i dont mind
you re something i will leave behind.

my legs are dangling off the edge
my mind in circles on a sledge
off hills, through valleys and through storms
my feet are touching your feet's soles.

we are reflection of each other
forsaken sister, sinner brother
across and under gone and travelled
so many lies we have unravelled.

and many years we spent apart
not friends but siblings, bests at heart
my feet were dangling off the edge
again you calmed my mind's poor rage.

4 am but I'm here
where could i disappear?
4 am and I'm still
under your spell and will.

soon will come the sunlight
and the nature wake up
still I'm going to ask
what am i doing here?

4 am and I'm drunk
but on my own self harm.
where could i disappear
from under your wicked will..

you're not enough
i hear them say
they call my bluff
pronounce insane.
you're not enough
i sense them think
i see through their eyes
even at fastest blink.
you're not enough
and your voice's not a song
no one ever asked me
need i a "sing-along"?

remember you walked in the rain?
and i held your cold, liveless hand
you told me you wanted to run
away from the world's endless rant.
remember i squeezed your hand tight?
when tears started burning your eyes
remember i held you and tried
to show you the colours
you chose to stay blind.
we carried on walking through storm
as wind would push us far apart
we held on to each other so tight
all we did we believed was so right.
the sky went so dark and so grey
your heart grew so cold, you looked drained
and i didnt know what to do
and all my attempts were so faint.
remember we walked in the rain?
i thought those were drops from the sky
but when the sun came out at once
i saw those were tears , your soul's cry.

and maybe after all this time
you're still not mine;
and it may hurt me more than ever;
after seven years i lose track of time
as into plague turns this withstanding fever.

today i wasnt happy i woke up.
in fact, my phone screamed ****** ****** and awoke me.
and so it brought me back to life
to my reality.
it wish it were my dreams that'd haunt me.
not a nightmare but beautiful lie.
M was with me, he kissed me
he was kind.
M was there, by my side, for some time
he was tender and loving
i missed him.
i though i had forgotten about him
i believed he had gone with the smoke
now that i am awake
it's apparent
he cannot go away for too long.
if you ask me what'd happened to trigger
these emotions and visions and pain
just a casual, unthoughtful question
by a curious, immature friend.
now i feel very disoriented
im uncertain about where to go
all directions've messed up on my map and
i keep stumbling on ******-white snow.

what will be left when feelings melt away
as seasons change, my feeling change the way
i look at you, admire you and love
you make halo shine brighter up above.

sometimes i wonder what you'll leave behind
when we are withered, tired, not so kind.
and your touch wont excite me, raise my pulse
seems it will not come soon, i hang my noose.

the thing is that i like you more than others;
you make me feel so safe
one of my brothers.
the deal is, i will always be a little bit too crazy
my speech will sometimes flow, sometimes seem lazy.
my eyes will shine one day
the next- be flooded;
sometimes my nod' s a yes
or for no i will nod and
there's nothing you can do to change my figure
for i am not a fan of bitter tastes;
there's little you can do to leave me saddened
and there's no way to erase my mistakes.

You make me feel big
Bigger than life
And I love you for that.
You make me the happiest
Give what I'd never had
And I love you for that.

You make my heart beat
Race at the speed of sound.
You bring colour to world
Now it doesn't taste bland
And I love you for that.

In my darkness you're light
On all black stains you're white
In the chaos you're calm.
On my neck lucky charm.
And I love you for that.

You will smile at me
When I fail, or stumble
As if it's supposed to be
Creased and broken and crumbled.
And I love you for that.

When I feel like a duckling
Not the best of its kind
When I feel out of place
When I try run and hide
You comfort me with love
You ease my distress
You make me get up and show up
With you I fear a lot less
And I love you for that.

You are stars leading the way
When clouds divert me astray
And I wish that you could see
If you were real, I'd love still.

you know i'm ill
tired and wasted, I
thought i was bulletproof
thought i could handle truth.

You know i'm done
no more strength to carry on
I feel the tides rise up
i feel the pain increase
summer is long gone now
you put me on my knees.

Youth's running wild but i
am planning my own death.
writing my own eulogy,
drop the veil, i cant stress

enough it's hard to breathe
your sight it hurts my lungs
walls coming closer still
i stare and burn inside.

i'm sick
and im wasted, I
thought i was bulshitproof
til i met up with you tonight.
you can say what you want
you know i will believe
you can treat me the way
you think is best i'll live.
no matter what you say
abuse me, erase my faith
put me down, bring me low
set me on fire so
leave me bleed, bruised and scarred
leave me die under cars.

do what you want to me
i can withstand your touch,
one thing ask in return
once im lower than life
dont begrudge.