It's not that I don't want to live
And find out who my wife will be
Or see my children born
And raise them to be just like me

It's not that I don't love my friends
or hate the adventures and company
They numb the pain and heartache
Even though it's temporary

I know my siblings, my parents,
grandparents, hell my whole family
will cry and weep at my funeral
and the news of "A Self Hanging"

I understand I'm not bad
I know that they love me
It's not about being hated
Or thinking I'm not worthy

I just want the pain to stop

I don't know when it started
Or what sets it off
Or why I'm weak
Or why I cry myself to sleep

I just want the pain to stop

I feel alone
I know I'm not alone but
Knowledge doesn't **** emotion

But I know what will

I raise my glass
To feel numb one more time
One more time before
I never have to feel

Ever again.

I drop my pack on the desert sand for a seat, resting my rifle across my knees.
Wiping the sand and sweat from my forehead I see you.
I don't know if we've met yet, but you're all I think about.
I take a drink from my hydration pack
The hot water cools my mouth.
I can still smell the smoke from the Humvee.
I can still see the flames but at least the burnt bodies have
disappeared
in the distance.
Stretching my shoulders I go over the mission again in my head.
If I complete the mission I might live another day
unlike my brothers.

Live another day, complete another mission.
Live another day, complete another mission.
Live another day, until what?

The cooling, resting idea of death is gripping
I take another sip of water.
Holding up my rifle I peer through the scope for a quick perimeter check.
Nothing in site.

If I complete this mission, I might see you.
I won't see my friends
I won't see my brothers
They're dead.
I might see you tho
Are you real?

Complete the mission for
Fear?
Revenge?
Honor?
Duty?
Conceptual.
So are you.

Death is Tangible,
I can already feel it.

Death ceases the
explosions
Fires
Gun shots
Dead brothers
Blood
So much blood

I can start to see your silhouetted figure in the hot desert air.
Just a mirage,
Making something so illusive look tangible.

I don't know your
hair color
height
favorite movie
or even your name

Still you consume my vision

I may or may not have even met you
And yet I keep fighting for you

I swing my pack across my shoulders and my muscles wince.
I pick up my gun, and checking my GPS I start walking again.
I don't know if I'll make it to you
I'll probably suffer the fate of my brothers
But only then will fate have stopped me

So I carry on the mission, with only your mirage as a companion

I not only liked
but I admired who you are
It didn't matter

Turn the corner
Hand tenses
Looking down the iron sights I see an object fall
"Tango down" I call over the radio
what was his name? Tango, Threat, Terrorist, doesn't matter.
Explosion
Mud brick wall vaporized into dust
Keep going
Out of breathe
Keep going
Hand tenses
"Tango down"
Does it have kids? A Family? Threat eliminated
Round the corner
Hand tenses
"Three tangos on west building roof top"
Bullets from my brothers **** by my helmet
Return fire
"Take Cover!"
Sweat drenched face fogs up my goggles
Explosion
Brick pieces pummel my back
Ears ringing, faintly hearing
"Alpha down, Medic!"
Blurred vision, equilibrium thrown off
Raise my rifle
Hand tenses
Silhouette falls
"Medic!" heard faintly
Hand tenses
"Are you okay?" sounds distant
Hand tenses
"babe?" getting louder
Hand tenses

Hand tenses

Wake up
Sheets heavy with sweat
"Babe, are you ok?"
Throwing the blankets I jump back to the edge of the bed
Her frightened face
I've seen before
I look down
Hands tense
Same look, no tangos
No threats
Just Ghosts

How far does God plan?

My eyes flicker open to consciousness and the smell of stale blood and defecation.

'God Always has a plan.'

I heard that a hundred times in Church as a child. Peering through the threads of a faceless bag I see my crucifix still clutched in my shackled numb hand.

Did I not say enough 'Hail Mary's'?
Did I not confess enough sins?

The echoing screams from the other side of the wall have faded away. Creeping ever closer. That one sounded like...maybe Johnson? Or Sapp?

'In God We Trust' my ***. Prayer has left me here to fade away with the screams of my brothers. Inaction masked by faith and misplaced hope. They say there are no atheists in a foxhole. No one counted the atheists in a prison cell.

I count them by their screams.

Forcing my hand open I drop the crucifix. It splashes in a puddle of grimy sweat and blood and lands on top of my dog tags.

God's plan got me here, it's time for my plan.

A room
Full of flowers

Roses
Lillies
Sunflowers

Would not look as

Vibrant
Delicate
Captivating

nor smell as

Sweet
Intoxicating
Seductive

I am bullied, for I am small,
He is praised, for he is tall.
He thinks he's better than me, because he is
And I am losing, for the game is his.
Although it's close, he laughs in my face,
But I'll win; I'll beat him, some other time or place.

I practice, as hard and as much as I can
For when I beat him, I will be the man.
They'll stop praising him, and they'll praise me,
For at that moment, I will be better than he.
I'll finally wipe his winning streak clean,
And that will pay him back for being mean.

Today is it, game day, my day, D-day.
Today, I, by myself will leave him in disarray.
His souped up baller verse my new one,
But he'll be upset when it's all said and done.
The game progresses, this could be it!
At the buzzer, it's up, it's in, I really did it!

I've never seen him so mad and *******
As when he pressed the reset button and turned the console off.
My practice, my progression, my game! it's all gone.
That's it, I won't play anymore, I'm done!
I'll get him anyhow, you'll see, oh boy!
But since I'm no man, I"ll go play with my other toys.