you told me i’d be better off.
i told you i was fine.
we lied,
but i kept the silence warm,
kept your name pressed
into the back of my mind,
like a bruise i didn’t want to heal.

i carried the ghost of us,
let it haunt every corner,
let it seep into everything,
because forgetting felt like losing you twice.

but i’m done now.
this is the last poem i write for you,
the last time i dress my pain up
to make it look like love.
you and i are dead,
and i won’t keep trying
to breathe life into a grave.

you told me i’d be better off.
i told you i was fine.
we lied—
but now i’ll tell myself the truth.

I want to lay in the hands of death,
as my last breath fogs
the windows.

I want to be loved,
but love is a complicated thing
and I don’t know
if I deserve it.

I am tired.

Still,
I have decided
I want to live.

Cada vez que veo tu rostro me parece ver un bello atardecer.
Cada vez que veo tu rostro me parece ver la inmensidad de un campo lleno de flores.
Hermoso en cada rincon , pacífico en sensación y colorido en todo su esplendor.
Cada vez que veo tu rostro me parece ver un universo de estrellas, capaz de irradiar luz y calidez a quienes lo rodean.
Cada vez que veo tu rostro veo la obra más majestuosa del mejor museo del planeta.
Cada vez que veo tus rostro veo aquello que deseo por siempre admirar.
Cada vez que veo tu rostro veo lo que en mi vida por siempre más voy a amar.

A good woman
stood by my side
for some time.
And she still
will be with me,
circulating through my veins.

I found her after a storm,
back in the isles
of scorching sun
and rain that purified the air
and created mudslides.

In the puddles of water,
her feet stood,
adored by earth,
by wind,
by glory.

I hope I did not leave you
when I went away, my love,
because you taught me tenderness.
Your kisses live in my heart,
and if I die today,
I know I will be buried
with this great love
you brought me.

I don’t wait for you anymore.
I’ve learned to enjoy
my own company.

Because when loneliness knocks
and wants you to change,
you sit and contemplate
under a starry sky.

And my love,
is it night.

I put the seats
back in my
beat up Ford Fiesta.
Four drinks in,
my first bottle of soju,
a great night
with a new friend.

Something’s shifting,
healing,
and I’m scared
of what might come.
I tremble,
cold biting my skin
Like fire ants,
a lit cigarette
flares on my nails
with every drag.

Leaves are falling.

On a cold Thursday morning,
I sit outside, bundled up
in layers upon layers,
battling the weather.

Forty degrees is a heavy burden
for a man raised under an island sun,
beside hibiscus and ixoras.

It eats at my hands,
and feathers my nose.

What a blessing
to feel,
to be alive.

Oh, but what a curse.

Y quien pensaria,
Que estaria agradecido
que no mori
Cuando quise morir,

De la nada empeze
A vivir otra vez,
Con un cigarrillo
En las mañanas

Y una taza de cafe
Para mantenerme
Despierto,
Recorro calles

A pie, y devuelvo
El aire de mis pulmones
A la atmosfera,
Mientras paso

Las manos por las
Grietas de un arbol
Protegido por el
Govierno,

Que mucho habra visto,
Sentido y despreciado,
Sin temor a la muerte,
Ni a un futuro distante.

Pero por que hay que
Temerle a la muerte,
Y a los errores y las
Desgracias,

Si nada bueno
Viene de vivir,
Entonces sere
Como un arbol.

plantare mis raices
En un presente
Fuera de mi alcance,
Mientras pierdo
La cordura,

Respirare vida,
Y devolvere vida.

I could not find ballads or books
that spoke of the feeling of losing a friend
its not like a tsunami
that crashes into you all at once  
No
its slow like cancer
the kind that doesn't appear for months, years
it’s a stab of pain here and a headache there but manageable
then suddenly it strikes and sinks its teeth deep into you
coils like a snake wrapping around your heart
inside your ribcage
poison seeping into your veins
turning blood to fire
and all you can do is wait.

i always have
the urge to run.

but what is it like
to be a tree?

to be confident enough
to root yourself
and grow with
wild abandonment,
being unapologetically
you?

i'm still running,
but i wish i knew.