I can manage to think myself into a bad mood,
And not just any bad mood
The kind of bad mood that makes you question life,
The kind of bad mood that causes a strife.

I get these gut wrenching feelings,
My chest tightens,
I can barely breathe,
And I cry without any real reason.

“What’s wrong with me?”
I ask myself as my hands begin to tremble
‘I’m insane’ I think
As my breathing hitches in my throat.

I was fine two minutes ago
And now I’m lying on the bathroom floor
Trying to silence my sobs,
So nobody else will hear.

The part that bothers me most,
Is I don’t have an explanation for why I’m crying
Oh no, please don’t ask
You’ll only make things worse.

I can’t explain it to myself
How am I supposed to explain it to you?
This is helpless, I’m hopeless
I even write this with tear-stained cheeks.

Nobody can help me,
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me
And that’s why my dear,
Overthinking will be the death of me.

– Overthinking will be my Demise // F.C.

Do you ever get those feelings of worthlessness?

Or those feelings that you could've tried harder?

What about those feelings that make you just want to crawl in a hole and die?

How about the feelings that you are ugly and you hate what you see in the mirror?

Most people have experienced at least one of these feelings at one point in their lives.

I experience them every day.

I wake up in the mornings dreading to get out of bed, not just because I'm a lazy teenager who doesn't get enough sleep.

But because I am tired.

I'm tired of always feeling worthless.

I'm tired of hating the reflection the mirror shows me.

I'm tired of constantly thinking 'if I had just tried a little harder I wouldn't be a failure.'

I'm tired of wanting to hide away in my room forever, so people can't judge me.

And yes, I'm tired for the obvious reason of lack of sleep.

What I don't understand is why people feel the need to make others feel worse about themselves to make themselves feel better.

Do you really get a satisfactory feeling after putting someone in a ****** mood and ruining their day?

If so, you need to take a long hard look at yourself and your values.

Should we not as a society encourage people to be their best and help one another rather than conforming to social standards and mocking them if they aren't wearing the latest fashion or how big their bodies are?

We mock and tease people because of what they wear, the way they look, the colour of their skin, the size of their bodies, the amount or lack of makeup they wear, their relationships, their hair, shoes, nails, eyebrows, age, gender, sexuality, acne, wealth, weight.

But we never see people going around telling people how great they look, how beautiful their smile is, how wonderful they are to have around, or how happy we are that they were placed on this earth.

We are so quick to judge others just by a quick glance, jumping to conclusions without a second thought.

We are so quick to blame society for our problems, but we tend to forget; we ARE society.

We complain how society has ruined us and it is an injustice.

We complain how society depicts women and men.

We complain that society has given us unrealistic expectations of men,
women, school, jobs, living, and people in general.

Who are we without society?

We are humans living in a world without each other.

We ARE society so WE have the power to change it!

We cannot sit around and wait for things to get better without working for them.

We have to take what we want in this life, we have to change our ways of living to see the results we seek, and we have to change our perspective of others to change their perspectives on us. Nobody is going to hand you things in this life, so work for the changes you want to see.

We don’t know anything about one another until we sit down and talk to each other.

Don’t be so quick to judge me on my looks, body, hair, makeup, clothes, and lifestyle when you know nothing about me other than what you want to see.

I promise you I am so much more than what you perceive me to be.

Don’t judge others when you know nothing about them. In fact don’t judge others, period.

So again I will say, I am tired.

I am tired of the way people look at me when I walk down the street.

I am tired of the way people treat me without knowing a **** thing about me.

I’m tired of hearing people call me fat.

I’m tired of walking up and feeling worthless.

I’m tired of feeling like there is absolutely nothing left to live for in this horrid, judgmental world.

I am tired of hating my body.

I am tired of hating myself.

I am tired of having a simple black line drawn on my eyelid control how I feel about myself.

I am tired of constantly worrying what others think of me.

I am tired of believing that I am ugly.

I am tired of constantly feeling like people are judging me.

I am just tired, plainly, simply, tired.

I. Am. Tired.

– I'm Tired // F.C.

Late night drives with the window rolled down,
Wind hitting my face at 80mph making my hair blow wildly, giving me a fierce lion’s mane.
As I drive unknowingly to a predetermined destination
It reminds me of the future I would never have with you.
Because you and I darling, we were on the road to nowhere.

– Late Night Drives // F.C.

I like to write in pencil, because it allows me to erase my mistakes.

I like to write with a pencil, because I can write as lightly or as dark as I like.

Sometimes I wish there was a pencil that writes the story of our life.

Then I’d be able to erase any mistakes I make.

I would be able to write lightly and be in the background,

Or write harshly and be very visible.

The only problem with writing with a pencil is that it can easily be snapped.

– Pencil // F.C.

Bleed. Watch the crimson fluid leave your body.
Bleed. Slowly trickling down your arm.
Bleed. The feelings are overwhelming.
Bleed. You cry silently so nobody will hear.

Bleed. Your skin is stained red.
Bleed. Your eyes sting with tears.
Bleed. Makeup runs down your face.
Bleed. You try to silence your mind.

Bleed. You cut a little deeper.
Bleed. You hiss in pain.
Bleed. You become numb.
Bleed. The blood flows quickly.

Bleed. You don’t feel the blade slice across your skin.
Bleed. You begin to feel drowsy.
Bleed. You feel nothing at this point.
Bleed. You’ve lost the war.

– Bleed. // F.C.

You were the rose in my garden,
But you were also the weeds,
That I could never seem to get rid of.

– The Weeds in my Rose Garden // F.C.

What is an antagonist?
The definition of an antagonist is the villain or person who challenges the hero/ protagonist
Which one are you?
Are you a protagonist?
Or are you an antagonist?

I am an antagonist.
But the worst part of being an antagonist is being your own antagonist
I am the antagonist in my story

You would think you would be the hero of your own story
That’s not the case for me
I am my own villain
I am my own worst nightmare

The scariest part about this nightmare is that when I wake up my nightmare doesn’t go away.
It lingers every hour of every day never leaving my side
My nightmare is in my head and I can’t escape it
I am my own worst nightmare.

How can you escape your demons, when you are your own demons?
How can you escape yourself?
Could someone please let me know?
I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind
How do I escape?

When you are the antagonist of your own story
Life isn’t as easy as it may seem
It becomes 10x harder
How can I escape myself?
How do I become the protagonist?
How do I stop living in this nightmare?
When will I wake up and not be afraid of my own mind?
I long for that day.

– Antagonist // F.C.

I thought you'd always have my back
"Till the end of time" we'd say
I believed it until you proved me wrong that day
How foolish of me..

Your man tried to set me up with his friend
I didn't want to, but I didn't want to be rude
That was my downfall in the end

You left us alone, and he thought the fun had just begun
I kept saying no but had nowhere to run
We played this game of cat and mouse
All around the comfort of your house

I couldn't escape, I kept saying no
He would stop for a minute then continue to go
He kept touching me and violating my body and space
When I told you, you said "that can't be the case"

At one point you both said to him
"you're lucky it happened to her and not somebody else, cause she has people who can vouch for you.
Otherwise you could have a charge put on you"

That statement shattered an already broken soul.

I don't feel lucky at all.

I was never asked or given the option to press charges, the decision was made for me.
They tried to say "he's a good guy" and "I've known him for 15 years, he's not an animal"

The experience I had with him is he assaulted me.
He groped, touched and tried to force himself onto me
For hours after I constantly said no.
I can't just let that go

Just because he didn't actually **** me doesn't mean the trauma of the assault is lessened.

It felt as if you were both protecting my assailant
More than you were protecting me.
I didn't ask for this to happen
I didn't deserve this

You both said you'd cut him off
But you told him you'd only distance yourself for "a bit"
That feels like you spit in my face
You're still both friends on Facebook
I can't even stand to look

You said youd have my back till the end of time.
Turns out you meant
Until your boyfriend's friend
Assaulted me


– Protecting my Assailant // F.C.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird.
I would be able to fly away.
Not deal with any problems.
Not feel any stress.
Not know any fear.
Not a care in the world.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
So I can avoid the ****** people,
So I can fly high above the clouds,
Feel the tension leave my body,
Feel the wind beneath my wings,
I can soar.          

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
I can see the world from a new view
Everything looks so small up here
I'm sure I look small too.
I certainly feel small.
I'm insignificant.

Sometimes I wish I was a bird
I can fly away from everything.
Instead of migrating for a season,
I'll migrate for a lifetime.
Leave this world behind me.
Leave everything in the past.

Simply, because I am a bird.

– Birds // F.C.

I am silently crying out for help,
Wishing that somebody, anybody will see me.
For somebody to ask me what’s wrong?
And know that I’m lying when I say “I’m fine”
Because, darling I am many things, but “fine” is not one of them.
I am the farthest thing from fine.
I’m a disaster.

– Silent Cry // F.C.

I used to hate the smell of cigarettes and coffee.

But now I've become familiarised to it and actually find myself longing for the scent

I’ve grown to love the smell just as I've grown to love you.

When you would kiss me it tasted of stale cigarettes and bitter coffee with a hint of whisky.

I used to be disgusted by it but now I find myself intoxicated by your kisses

The farther you pushed me away the more I wanted to be near you.

Now you've gone

And I've never felt closer to the very thing that ruined me;

The very thing that left me craving bitter coffee and stale cigarettes

– Stale Coffee and Bitter Cigarettes // F.C.

I used to hate the taste of coffee. I used to scrunch my nose at the bitter taste and I'd only drink it if it was flavoured or loaded with sugar.

Now I take the first sip of scalding coffee and sigh in relief as it burns my throat and I get my fix.

As I've grown older I've gotten more bitter so I don't hate coffee anymore and find myself craving the bitter bean juice, just as I find myself craving our bitter relationship.

But since I can't satisfy that craving, I'll stick with the coffee instead.

– I Used to Hate Coffee // F.C.

Why am I never good enough for people to stick around?

They say I'm a "great person" or a "very good girl" but they never decided to stay

Why is that?

Is it something I did?

Is it something I said?

I want to know why people say I'm this great person but never want to stick around long enough for me to believe their words

What's wrong with me?

Why is everything always my fault?

Why. Am. I. Not. Worth. Staying. For?

I should just leave because people would be better off without me.


– Not Worth Staying For // F.C.

Everything we do in society is a popularity contest.
It doesn’t matter how good you are at something,
As long as you are loved by everyone.

It bothers me how we value appearances over quality.
The effort you put into a drawing, or poem doesn’t matter,
As long as you have a pretty face.

Half of the time people don’t even appreciate the work the person has done,
They only liked it because they were so popular.

When did popularity ruin the value of passion?

It doesn’t matter if it is the worst poem or piece of art in the world,
As long as it was done by someone who is praised.
The quality plays no part in their art.

It sickens me that we live in a society,
Where even writing poems, has become
A popularity contest.

– Popularity Contest // F.C.

You never gave me any closure
You left before I could even say goodbye
All my tears were wasted on the thought of you,
The thought that I wasn’t good enough.

Atelophobia, they call it; the fear of imperfection
Or thinking you aren’t good enough.
Making it harder for you to have relationships.
You made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.

I thought it was my fault you left
But in reality you left, because
You weren’t willing to put in the effort to stay.
Leaving the burden to fall onto me.

I wanted you to stay
I wanted you to love me
But you had other plans in mind
Leaving was easier for you.

I fell in your trap
Believing that you loved me
But it was all a lie
Making me think it was all my fault…

You said you didn’t want to hurt me,
But you still continued to walk out the door
It took me months to finally see,
That you were not the one meant for me.

The sharp, bitter taste of alcohol burns my throat,
But it numbs the pain for a short while.
It helps me forget
But you’re the one thing that stays on my mind.

They call it liquid courage
Because it give you an excuse
To do and say all the things you couldn’t while sober

I constantly think of texting you,
What I would say, what I would do.
I thought about what I would reply if you were to text me first
But it never happened, so I lay here with a constant thirst.

I needed a reason to justify sending you the texts
That I am sure I will regret in the morning
But it still doesn’t stop me now
So I take another drink.

As I sit here hazed
And waiting for a reply, that I’m not sure will come
I think “why wasn’t I good enough”
“What more could I have done?”

– Liquid Courage // F.C.

I was very set in my ways,
And I never wanted to stray,
But you made me believe
That I could achieve.

Oh how I wanted you to stay,
But you chose to go away.
I never wanted you to leave,
You taught me to wear my heart on my sleeve.

You make me miss every kiss,
Why do I keep doing this?
I can’t escape your grasp,
When I see you I think I’m going to relapse.

So what does this mean?
I just want to be clean.
I want to be free,
So please just let me be.

Every time you come around,
I just want to go underground
So I no longer want to lie,
This is my final goodbye.

– My Final Goodbye // F.C.

True pain comes from within,
The kind of pain you have to lock away so nobody will know how you truly feel.
True pain is watching two people you love throw their lives away,
And having to act like it doesn’t bother you.

The boy you lust after has hurt you so many times before,
Showing you constantly he is not worthy of you.
Yet you still choose him over the one man who cares about you so deeply,
It is on a spiritual level.

This man does not want you for your body or your looks
This man will not hurt you like the foolish boy, he cares for you.
You say you don’t have feelings for him,
Yet you lead him on to make him continue to chase you.

That’s what it’s all about isn’t it?
The chase. To see how far he’ll go.
How far he is willing to chase you,
While you continue to fall into the foolish boy’s trap.

I can’t stand around to watch this,
No, I won’t stand around to watch this.
Not when you have clearly decided that you want nothing to do
With the man who loves you,
But instead fall for tricks and lies,
The same lies that have deceived you before.

You say you have chemistry with the man,
A connection you don’t have with the boy.
What chemistry? You have no chemistry,
The only chemistry you have is the class,
And you don’t even have that together.

So I stand here watching you make a wrong decision,
While hurting the man who loves you,
Seeing how broken he is,
But he says he rather you be happy without him,
And he will take the collateral damage.

You have set out on a destructive path,
Taking down innocent people along the way,
And we all try to help you,
But you say you don’t want or need it.

I can’t stand here and watch you hurt people who only want to help you.
I can’t stand here and watch you hurt the man I love.
So while you prance off with that foolish boy,
I’ll be here picking up the broken pieces of this man,
And act like I don’t have feelings for him,
Because I know he still loves you.

That is my broken lifespan.

– Lifespan // F.C.

No matter how sad I feel right now I can’t bring myself to cry.
For others it can only take a sad movie and they’re sobbing.
I don’t cry that easily and when I do I can’t stop.
If you see me crying, you know that it has gotten bad.

I have three coping methods:
1. Writing
2. Drinking
3. Cutting
I have now just completed all three.
I am numb.

Writing is my therapeutic way of letting my emotions out.
Nobody reads my content anyways.
So what is there to lose?
I can write without worry of consequence.

1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4,
I feel the alcohol burning down my throat,
The familiar feeling I’ve come to know all too well.
I’m trying to make the pain go away.
Trying to make sure I don’t remember anything tomorrow.
It courses through my veins and becomes part of me.
The words are becoming blurry now,
I’m glad I have spell check.

I became overwhelmed with emotion and I cut my wrist.
Almost a year clean and now the number goes back down to zero.
I’m so used to being at the number zero.
I cut to numb the pain I am feeling.
I cut to feel pain, to know I am alive.
To see the blood dripping down my arm,
As proof that my heart is beating.
I’m alive but I am not living.
I feel incomplete without cuts on my wrist
I’ve grown accustomed to them.
I miss them when they are gone.
Welcome back old friends.

To numb the pain I have 3 coping mechanisms.
Usually it is one or the other,
But add them all together and it’s,
1, 2, 3 strikes you’re out.

– Numb // F.C.

We sit to eat dinner like a normal family,
But oh are you mistaken.
Our family is many things,
But normal is not one of them.

We can paint a pretty picture
But people don’t see clearly from the outside,
We are all holding knives to each other’s backs
If only you looked at thing from a different angle.

Father asked how my day was,
I told him I had a great time horseback riding,
Mother continued to stare incessantly at her plate
We all noticed but didn’t say anything.

I continued to speak of the fun I’ve had,
Mother mumbled under her breath
Sister piped in to ease the tension
Father got up to put his dish away.

Father made a coffee and a tea for Mother
Mother continued to sit at the table silently
I slowly picked at the food on my plate
Her pursed lips gave away her discontent.

Father went to the garage
Sister and held a conversation with me
While Mother was silently stewing about something
She opened her mouth to speak
I got ready for the worse.

Mother looked at my outfit and said
“Is that really what you wore today?”
It was a shirt and jeans; nothing wrong with it.
“Yes, why?” was all I replied

She sat on her thought for a moment continuing.
“Because you can see your cuts”
I sighed “ok, and? What’s your point?”
She huffed “they are nasty to look at”

“Then don’t look at them”
It was quite a simple solution
“You should cover them”
“If you don’t like them stop looking”

Mother got angry and stood up with a huff
“Why would you do such a stupid thing?!”
I bit my tongue
“It didn’t feel stupid at the time”

Mother continued to scream and cuss
I did my best to hold back the tears
Sister told Mother to stop
But Mother continued anyways

“You are so stupid, it doesn’t make sense”
A tear slowly escaped
“Cutting is dumb and you’re dumb for doing it”
I stayed silent
“I don’t understand why you would cut”
“Are you doing it to fit in?”
“Are you part of a cutting pact with your little friends?”
“Who told you to do this?”
“I thought you were stronger than that”
Tears flowed freely
“Well I guess you were wrong!” I shouted

Father burst in from the garage
He yelled at her to stop.
He made mother get away from me
Sister tried to comfort me.

I stood up and the chair flew behind me
My dinner plate was now scattered
I ran to my room crying.
Just once I wished we could have a normal family dinner.

– Not Your Average Family Dinner // F.C.

I never really understood what it meant to be faded,

But at this moment it's all become clear

Drunk, High and *****.

Together make me fade in and out of clarity.

I want to run to you.

To feel you hands on my skin,

Your body on mine,

I want your sharp teeth biting my tender neck

Letting our passionate heat flourish.

I long for this. I try to run to you,

But my legs will barely let me walk.

I try pushing through it, but in a drunken fog I can barely see.

I'm stumbling, trying to find my way to you,

But I'm faded and I can't think straight.

I'm Drunk, High and *****

There's one thing that was always clear though;

You.

– Faded // F.C.

I bite my tongue until it bleeds, so that I do not offend you.
I have so much to say to you, but I know you will not like it.
The things I want to say are very harsh and you are not as strong as I.
I bite my tongue so I will not regret saying something I didn’t mean.

I bite my tongue until it bleeds, so that you will not see my lip tremble. The hurtful words you say try to show on my face, but I won’t let them.
I will not let you see me being hurt by what you have said and done.
I bite my tongue so you will not have the satisfaction of winning.

I bite my tongue until it bleeds, so that the tears will not escape my eyes
I do not like when people see me crying for any reason.
I feel like letting someone seeing you cry shows weakness.
I bite my tongue so you will never see weakness in me.

I find that I bite my tongue more often than I should.
The metallic taste of blood in my mouth has become so familiar.
I bite my tongue so hard that I am surprised I haven’t bitten it in half.
I will continue to bite my tongue so I am in control of my emotions.

– Bite Me // F.C.

My love was not completely fulfilled
My confidence is just a mask,
I try to speak; no words come out.
I deny emotions and the pain they bring.
I protect myself, no matter the cost.
I smile hoping that it will stop.
My Wonderland is inside my head
But, darling this is not Wonderland,
And I am not Alice.
I’m a grenade. I will explode.
I long for the day to say:
“I too was once a tragedy.”

– Protecting Myself from Emotions // F.C.

1 cut, 2 cut, 3 cut, 4

I feel like I could've done more

5 cut, 6 cut, 7 cut, 8

I am consumed with all of my hate

9 cut, 10 cut, 11 cut, 12

I grab more blades from the shelves

13 cut, 14 cut, 15

I cry silently to not make a scene

16, 17, 18

My bath tub will be hard to clean

19, 20

A few more won't hurt I have plenty

21

I wish I had a gun

22

I wish I was good enough for you

23

I'll finally be free

24

It's a good thing I'm ok with gore

25

Am I still alive?

26

I'm getting my fix

27

I know I won't go to heaven

28

I'm almost at Hell's gate

29

It's the end of the line

30

I'm not afraid of death, this I can guarantee

– Counting Cuts // F.C.

I'm sorry, mom.

I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter you'd always hoped for.

I'm sorry I'm a disappointment.

I'm sorry you have a daughter who cuts herself.

I'm sorry you have a daughter who smokes.

I'm sorry I'm not the person you think I am.

I'm sorry I could never live up to your expectations.

I'm sorry I'm a failure.

I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry for it all, but Happy Mothers day anyway.

– Mothers Day // F.C.

What a society we live in,
Where we are swimming in an ocean of information,
And drowning in a sea of ignorance.

Too blinded by our own desires,
Unable to see what we actually need.
Too busy looking down at our phones,
Not having a second to look up.

We miss the possibility of something great,
Because we are so concerned that we might miss something online.
I fear that our society has been so consumed by social media,
That instead of saving someone’s life,
People will be too busy standing around,
Recording the events and posting it online.

I fear for our future.
What have we done to humanity?
What a society we live in.

– Society // F.C.

I’m sorry I am not the epitome of beauty.
But don’t call me ugly,
Then ask me why I have trouble finding beauty in myself.
That’s like shooting someone in the leg,
And then asking them why they’re bleeding.

– Double Standards // F.C.

You were never supposed to get hurt
Over and over again,
Falling into the same pattern
With no end in sight.

You weren’t supposed to let him hurt you,
Yet you did anyways.
You always go back to him,
Even when he constantly shows you he hasn’t changed.

You’re supposed to hold the thing that kills you,
But not give it the power to ****.
Yet, he held the gun,
And you pulled the trigger.

I tried to be there for you,
You told me you wouldn’t go back,
You said you wouldn’t make the same mistake,
Yet here we are again.

It pains me to see you in pain,
To see you fighting back the tears,
I hate what he’s done to you,
And I hate that you’ve let him do it.

You’ve given him the power.
Every time you forgive him,
He wins, and you’ll lose once again.
He is the thing that will **** you,
And you, you are his willing victim.

– The thing that kills you // F.C.

I never knew how much of an impact a person could have on me;
And you, well you’ve made the biggest impact of all.
I was never one to be all for love;
But you’ve made me reconsider.
Thank you.

Your text can be all it takes for me to go from having a bad day to having a great one.
Talking to you is all I need to brighten my mood.
How you’ve managed to that, I’ll never know.
Thank you.

We can have a conversation about what types of snacks we like;
And it would be the most important conversation I’ve had all week.
You somehow make me forget everything,
Allowing me to just live in the moment.
Thank you.

Our late night phone call keeps me up;
Until the early hours of the morning.
On a school night, no less,
But hearing you voice makes it all worth it.
Thank you

I’m losing sleep over you,
I am barely functioning,
And somehow you make it all better.
Your text is all I need to stay awake.
Thank you.

I’ve never met a person who makes me feel more important than you do.
You can make me smile so easily.
You understand me so well and I love that about you.
So thank you.

– Thank You // F.C.

The wind is my friend, always there when I need it.
Cooling me off in the hot summer,
The refreshing breeze helps me forget everything for a short time.

The cool bitter wind nips and my exposed skin;
Making me cold to the touch,
Just like you’ve left me.

The wind cleanses the toxicity in my life;
Otherwise known as you.
It purifies my soul.

The wind is my friend;
I can’t see it but I feel its presence,
Knowing it is always by my side.

The wind is everything you were not,
The wind is present,
The wind is there when I need it,
And most of all the wind will always come back to me;
Even if it goes away for a short while.

– Wind // F.C.

There are many different people in this world, some good, some bad, and some without a certain path.

I have come across these people and many others in my lifetime, although my lifetime is only a small period of 17 years I have experienced a lot.

I will not preach to you and say how my life is all gumdrops and fairy tales because that would simply be a lie.

However I am not going to say my life is all glum and dark all the time, because it’s not.

I feel like I can’t easily describe myself.

I am complex, to say the least.

Many people can easily tell you who they are and will start listing their hobbies, and favourite colours and movies, but does that really describe who there are as a person?

I could quickly tell you I love superheroes and scary movies.

I could say I love Harry Potter and Disney.

I could tell you how much I hate cliché sappy love movies, or love in general.

I could mention how I hate fake people and do not tolerate liars.

I could sit here for hours and tell you things I like and don’t like, and although those things are true, they do not describe me as a person.

So,

Who am I?

I ask myself this question at least twice a day with the same answer haunting me day and night;

I don’t know.

From the things I have described to you, you could assume I was a nerd, rebel, emo, a narcissist, a crazed fan, someone who has been hurt in the past, a human.

But how would you know for sure?

If I don’t know what I am, then how would you?

All of those things are true and at the same time none of them are.

How can people so easily tell me; “Well you’re obviously human being”

How do you know for sure?

I don’t feel human most of the time.

Does that make me an alien?

I don’t know, but I’m sure you’d be able to quickly tell me I am not an alien and try to prove me wrong.

I’d agree with you, I am not an alien.

But what am I?

If I don’t know what I am, then please explain how you feel you can define me as a person just by your opinion?

What gives you a right to judge me?

My worth is not defined by your judgements and opinions of me.

So please stop acting like it is.

Why do people feel the need to give me ***** looks on the street or in the hallways?

You may think I don’t notice you chuckling to yourself before whispering nasty things to your friends.

But please know as you snicker with your friends and mock me, I am well aware of what you are doing, but I do not have the energy to waste my breath on people who don’t matter.

Even as I write this, people snicker, and point

They stare and laugh, then they whisper to their friend and then they both laugh at my expense.

What have I done to wrong them?

Nothing.

Simply a bystander in my own life.

I feel like an outsider, looking in watching day by day to see what will happen next, but not being able to change anything.

I know of course if I want to do something I can just do it, but I feel as if I have no control over my own life.

Just living as a minor character in someone else’s story.

When will I get to be the protagonist in my own story?

When will I figure out who I am?

I don’t know who I am as a person and I fear I may never know.

People come and go in life and each of them leave behind a valuable lesson to learn from.

My friends have shaped me to be the person I am today, and even though I don’t know who that is yet, it would have been a much longer journey without their presence.

The people I hate have also played a part in making me the person I am today, showing me I need to always have my walls built high and strong so no one can break them.

They have showed me to never let my guard down.

The people who snicker and stare as I walk down the streets or hallways have showed me I don’t even have to say or do anything for people to judge me.

They showed me to stay silent and not to bother trying to explain myself to little minded people.

So I may not know who I am and I may never know

But at least I know who I can trust and who not to waste my time on.

These people have showed me that my words can be beautifully written and poorly spoken.

– Words that are Beautifully Written but Poorly Spoken // F.C.

My head feels heavy
It sways side to side
This relationship isn't healthy
It feels like a rising tide

You left me so broken
I felt so empty inside
You played a game and I was a token
This was a crazy ride

Now I sit here and ponder
As I'm drunk on the bathroom floor
What would happen if I wander?
Would you slam the door?

I decided to text you
And apologize for my wrongs
I didn't know what else to do
I've missed you for too long

I finally get closure
I delete you from my life
And I finally gain composure
You cannot longer cause me strife
                                            
Thank you for the lessons you taught me
I know now what I don't want
I'm now content as can be
I don't mean to flaunt

This was the way
You wanted to go
You didn't want to stay
Now I can finally grow  

So thank you for all of your teachings
What we had was once nice
I will now be preaching
And taking a chance by rolling the dice.

– Closure // F.C.

Every time I think of you my heart hurts.
My eyes start to tear and my lip starts to quiver.
I think of all the memories we shared, good and bad.
I miss you. I miss everything about you.

I miss your smile,
I miss your laugh,
I miss the way you looked at me,
I miss you.

I was terrified of you leaving,
You promised me you would be the one to stay,
To show me differently from all the rest,
But you left just like everyone else.

The funny thing is, I was terrified to lose you,
And I never even had you.
You left before we could be together,
You left before we could label “us”

When people ask about you I don’t know what to say.
You weren’t my ex,
But you were an ex something,
An ex maybe
And it kills me to think what we could have become.

–  My Ex Maybe // F.C.

You made me believe we could’ve had it all.
We would face the world together,
Stand against adversity and make it out alright.
Oh, how I let you fool me.

We are blinded by the goodness in the people we care about,
That we don’t see their flaws standing right in front of us.
I never saw any flaws in you,
Until you left me all alone.

I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts.
They can be quite scary,
And I can never escape them,
But when I was with you, they would go away.

I feel like it was over before it even started.
The thing that makes me the most upset:
Is the fact that we didn’t end on bad terms,
I have no reason to be mad or hate you.

It would have been so much easier
If I could tell you I hated you,
And wanted nothing to do with you,
But you keep coming back.

You linger in the background,
To make sure I will never get over you.
Just as I start to heal,
You come back and tear me down again.

Just when I begin to feel complete again,
You come back to remind me that you’ve left me unfinished.

– UNFINISHED // F.C.

I know it may seem weird,
But I feel like without some nostalgic or poignant words
Poetry doesn’t have as deep of a meaning.

The words on the page no longer mean something,
They don’t evoke emotion, or scream memories,
Behind every word there isn’t a knowledge that nobody would know.
We are blinded by the cheerful words and colourful phrases.

I feel like poems about happiness are lies.
They seem too forced, and empty,
The words don’t have a deep connection to the author

I feel like all poets are the same,
Whether they write sad poems or happy ones,
There is always a person on the other side,
With a forced smile telling everyone they are fine.

– Poetry // F.C.

You said love triangles are messy and you didn't want to get involved

But you didn't listen to yourself and your feelings evolved

You say you always come in second place

But you don't even know how much I want to kiss your stupid face.

You're too busy chasing after this girl

That you're leaving me in this whirl

Of emotions, god you're too blind to see

What's been standing in front of you this whole time. Me.

But I respect your decision

Wouldn't want you to get any criticism

From being with someone like me; a dud

So for now I'll continue to be your bud.

You say you're always second best,

But that's my whole life, so I'll take a step back and rest.

Just know this, no matter how many times you've been second best,

You were never second best to me and for that you should feel blessed

– Never Second Best to Me // F.C.

I feel like a black hole

Lost in the void of reality

Never to be seen or discovered

Constantly trying to give my life meaning

Only to disappear in the crowd

I scream out for help for anyone to notice

But I am invisible, you see right through me

I'm an endless vacant waste of space

I'm bleeding out my insecurities and fears

But still nobody takes a second to see if I'm really here

If I really was nonexistent would anybody really notice?

Or would you continue to go about your day?

The sun will rise and society will continue to act as if we aren't aware of the darkness and destruction within ourselves.

– Blackholes // F.C.

The cancer almost took you from me but you fought and won!

I'm so proud of you baby you have no idea

But now we face another obstacle

We can't be a normal couple, but then again we were never normal

I don't even care that your lips are dangerous I'm willing to kiss you anyways

You're like a drug to me and your poisonous lips are exactly the kind of high I'm looking for

So baby come a little closer and let's tempt the devil together

–Poisonous Lips // F.C.

You were no good for me
Just as I wasn't for you
Our toxicity dancing together
Just for the sake of the routine

I miss the plans
I miss the dates
I miss the adventures
But I don't miss you

I miss the idea of you
The idea of being in a relationship.
Spending time with
Another person to call your own
But I don't miss you

I miss the closeness
Of another human
The touch of your hand
On my skin
But I don't miss you

I miss the routine
I was comfortable
I was safe
But I wasn't happy

I miss the routine of you
But I don't miss you

– Routine // F.C.

Why is it easier for us to accept someone's half assed "I'm fine"s rather than actually help and say "I know you aren't"

It is easier to walk away when someone saying they're fine because we don't actually care when we ask someone if they are ok

Which is why it scares us when people aren't "fine" because that isn't the status quo and god forbid if anyone in today's society isn't normal

So we will continue to say we are fine with tears running down our cheeks and blood running from our wrists

And we will continue to turn a blind eye when someone tells us "I'm fine" when they have a knife in hand

Because it is culturally expected that we continue to be "fine"

– I'm Fine // F.C.

I put laid my cards on the table

Told you how I felt about you

Made a bet that you'd like me back

But you said you don't play poker

And you didn't feel the same way

"I can't blame you for how you feel, but I don't feel the same way"

Were your exact words

Well ****, I lost that bet.

Thanks for being honest with me

And truly I don't blame you, because if I were you I wouldn't like me either

– Bets Don't Always Pay Off // F.C.

I'm torn between two hearts
Each offering something different
Each pure and true.

The first one I've had for a while
He has childlike wonder
But he is a loose canon
And it is time to grow up

The second is newer but just as special
He is new and exciting
But also secure and safe
He is the more stable option.

I'm in a position where I can have my cake
And eat it too.
But I am selfish and still want more.
I want to know what the future holds
Between myself and these two hearts.

Each path a decent choice
But vastly different
Unpredictable and steady?
Or new and secure?

I wish I could combine both hearts
And then I'd truly be happy
But a decision needs to be made
And it may ruin both hearts
In the process

– Two Hearts // F.C.