I wake up itching every now and again
And I go the whole day thinking of bed bugs
Little nuclear bombs going off all over my arms and legs
Which is why I cut my nails now
I revisit that bridge every once in a while
To see if it's still smoldering
It looks war torn to be honest
That was one hell of a fire
Love becomes rage and that flame can't really be put out

It feels like every day I have to pick my self respect off the floor
And fight, just to open my eyes
Im paralyzingly numb, the air around me feels like shackles
Things dont make sense, I cant figure out what is disconnected
When I feel weak, I add another memory to the pyre
In an attempt to come to grips with this

It feels like Im starting to lose my sense of humor
My brain is picking **** apart
Cannibalizing to bolster what little defense is left
Everything is so tense, so grey
But I guess you cant fight DNA; the way you were built

Truth be told, I wish I could rip your tongue out through your teeth
I wish I could inflict on you, as much damage is still standing within me
But instead Im an aimless drunk, flailing at targets that dont exist
Finding fraudulence and lies in everyone I see
Hexa-focles, drunk goggles, eyes never built for my head
Welded in place, make me eager for untruth in people
Instead of hungry for their support
And the more I struggle, the more I deny my lies
The more these anti truths burn into my brain

My thoughts are a ******* hurricane
Im gorged with mistrust, greedy with skepticism, and eager to find an enemy
This isn't me. I think that every day
I dont even know who I am anymore

Chemically, I dont have the ability to comprehend or repair myself
They say the mind bends and twists in order to cope with anguish
It feels like mine is on the verge of breaking every day

Sometimes I feel like ending it all
I cant stop thinking about this
And it feels like Ill never recover
But pain is like matter
You cant destroy it; it'll just get passed around
And a weaker, more gentle mind would be burdened with pain they don't deserve
My reality is chemically changing all because of you

Youre a quitter, a hypocrite, a joke
Im not
I dont quit just because it's easy to do it
You do
I love so intensely, but I hate exponentially
And never in my most absurd dreams would I feel a hate like this

You begged on your knees to be forgiven
Yet you remained a traitor
Safe to say whatever you did you me pales in comparison to the emotional coma youre too dumb to find a way out of

It hurts to know that hurt is the only reminder I have left
To know that I can still feel, still hate
I learned that you cant surprise me, only validate my suspicions
Pain has absolutely no limit
Rock bottom does not exist
And that all people can be defined by patterns

But I watched you abandon your passions over and over
Become more of the type of person you used to laugh at

You left it to me to tell me you didnt love me anymore

Sometimes I feel those bed bugs
Those hot, lonely nights
All the burns and cuts
You took a part of my life and distorted it beyond recognition
I will always hate you, I will never forgive you

Remember when I told you about when i was young?
And I told you that I'd see girls with some ******
And I'd think, *******, what does a guy have to do to get said a girl like that?
Looks like Ill never know

I didnt even know you existed
Until about two minutes after you escaped this
Your brother screamed your life into the dark
Hoping his words could wake you up, as he came apart
I wonder how long you were there
Before that nurse struggled to find your air

The classic millennial tragedy
Couldnt find work, spent all his money on classes that he
Felt like a failure for taking
Lonely, depressed, saw no life worth making
Mom and dad didnt want you in California
Brother saw new opportunity forya
Hiding behind your youth
You looked tired still, your back on those roots

Josh, I forgive you, really
I dont want you to burn out, this way is easy
The way things are, I get it
40, 50 years of this?
My life, one way, one feeling, from now on?
Man. This whole ****** up place can get ******, Im gone
As a stranger to another, I get it

I need you to know that you're wrong
The decision made sense in your head to move things along
But we could have prevented this ****
You could have waited just ten more minutes
Looking from the bridge down below
Your skin as white as this screen, the only light from a cell phone
Your pain didnt end
Trust and believe, it got a new home to live in
Your brother, mom on the phone, screaming and hepless
The nurse, too small to break your chest
The night jogger who found you hanging there
The cars slowly passing by all those road flares
Your pain got passed around man
This was a bad move, the extremely wrong plan

I met my neighbor that night
What a weird way to say hi
For the very first time
The same moment a young man died

He wanted to be more of an influence
But now hes asking why didnt see what you were doin
I never learned his name, only yours
The creek learned it about 63 times more
The scariest part was that cop
Looking just to the right of your body, and moving his light up
I dont know what you used, but he took a good look at it
Even after that night, I remember
That bridge is right outside my front door
It has an unshakable darkness to it now
The creek has been gentle since then, ushering your memory down
To the place where we all go
Forever silent, following the waters flow

I don't envy women
I'm glad to be this, but it feels like a prison
Four men, haven't met in years
Four entire lives come together
What could they say
Maybe they'll talk about today
How the world seems to be closing in
You think they have dreams?
Four men who trust each other
Maybe they will find a way to reconnect
Who knows, maybe they'll talk about ***** and *****
Maybe they'll talk about the past
There's so much chance
*****, dragons, death, victory, dreams, family, dogs, cats
****** woodworking, eclectic collections, gas ******* engines
Combat juggling, indie movies, super hero theories
Today then way back when
What could four men talk about after so long ago
Maybe one healed from heartache
And he's ready to tell the others
Maybe one met his new daughter
And he's finally ready to tell the others
Maybe one of them reached a fitness milestone
And he's finally ready to tell the others
Maybe, just maybe, four men are ready to destroy the ******* that's kept them from connecting for decades
I overheard the question, here goes the talk!

Finances.
I don't envy women.