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519 · Nov 2019
What is taught in the circus?
The chariot Nov 2019
What is taught in the circus?
Sometimes i wonder
What is this circus
Who are the players
What are the rules
How
How do i become a part of it in the day
And if i ever get detached in the night
when the joker stops smiling and goes back home
Sometimes i wonder
What is real and what is the facade
What am i and what trapezes they want me to pull from
Watching silently
As my instincts fade in between
In between the lights on and the lights off
Sometimes i wonder
What my heart thinks
What is taught in the circus
And the gap that traverses within
And then i wonder
Why
Why and how is that gap so huge
So huge that i cant find the ends of it
On searching all the recesses
This empty huge gap
Between what my heart thinks and what is taught in the circus!
#circus #wondering #life #purpose #facade #feelingthegap
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411 · Nov 2019
Machines
The chariot Nov 2019
Machines
Why i keep seeing the machines that make no sense
Where are their engines and what is their fuel
What is the fuel that just keeps them running
Why don’t they stop
Why don’t they think?
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250 · May 2019
I love to revisit
The chariot May 2019
I love to revisit
You saw me, you knew  me, you unravelled me
You were the vessel that contained me

You let me rest, in a place built for me
A place I had not known to exist in this universe
It was called safe
Existing in the quantum space, in the abyss
Where you held my naked skin with your bare hands
And it didn’t scar me
You stripped away my shame, masked all my horrors
And let me lay

We don’t live there anymore
But you know I love to revisit it
It was the only place that ever felt like home.
#longing #comfort #secure
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223 · Mar 2021
Subtle
The chariot Mar 2021
Subtle
It's not strong
But It keeps lurking
The subtle hurt.
On top and below
Of wherever my soul can go
Always present but never noticed
Like the air i breathe.
No, it's not powerful enough
To make me flinch
To blur my eyes
To ache my heart.
It’s subtle
Just like a constant itch on my nape
I have made peace with.
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206 · Jul 2019
Peace?
The chariot Jul 2019
Peace?
Is this how it is supposed to feel
To be peaceful
Or is this the calm before the storm
Or am I not comfortable with this
With the serenity that i strive for
Do I love to be chaotic now
#lost
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153 · Nov 2019
Wishing for a tear
The chariot Nov 2019
Wishing for a tear
For a roll down
To taste the salt on her lips
She feels numb
In the arctic snow.
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145 · Apr 2019
Restless
The chariot Apr 2019
Restless
All this feels like an illusion
I must be in some dream
I am at the top of a mountain
Or am i hanging upside down in the sea
I am not one anymore
I am a storm of unsettled breezes
All trying to say their pieces
Turning into gusts waiting to propel out of the chaotic tornado
Craving for the freedom to just be

This feels like an illusion
I must be in some dream
Neck deep in a swamp of aspirations
Led there mistakenly by the imposters success, purpose and meaning
Some aspirations mocking me,some observing my moves
some trying to deceive me
To claim them as my own
Until no thought no desire no belief no ambition stems from me
For they have all ditched me and crossed over
Over to the side of the slough
Engulfing my very being

This feels like an illusion
I must be in some dream
Where the floodgates have burst open
And I am diving and paddling endlessly
To reach somewhere, anywhere
Someplace I can quench this unsatiable thirst
Pushing and flapping to find the shore
To desperately ground my feet
To anchor my sanity
Wondering if it ever existed, if I ever was sane

All of this has to be an illusion
All of this has to be a dream
For how else can i hope to wake up into a different reality.
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137 · Mar 2020
Infected with YOU.
The chariot Mar 2020
Infected with YOU.
You infiltrate
You possess
Your silhouette in my dream so real
Your eyes engraved in every blank space I fear
Playing tricks on my mind
Obscuring my realities and my nights
Infecting my peace, making me tremble
Making me long, so strong
In ways I thought was never possible.
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133 · Dec 2019
The bushy rosy plant!
The chariot Dec 2019
The bushy rosy plant!
One thorn ****** me
It bleeds
I remove it
It scars
Then another thorn ****** me
Right where the first one had hit
It bleeds more
Pains more
Scars more
I remove it
But it doesn't heal and it doesn't stop
And it ****** and it bleeds and it scars on and on
And all I want is to stop it
So i keep on removing the thorns
But only if i had known
How to stop watering it, nurturing it
The bushy rosy plant!
#diseasedwithyourthoughts
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132 · Dec 2022
Weary!
The chariot Dec 2022
Weary!
I'm feeling weary.
Because it took a toll, I was too deep inside, now there aren't enough breaths to come back to come back to the top and breathe.
The water is cozy, and I'm dizzy, hypoxic,
I don't mind resting in the lap of these corals.
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126 · Dec 2019
Real
The chariot Dec 2019
Real
Into the night
The moonlight pulls me
Towards it
It feels so real
Nearing it, the emptiness fading away
But the moinlight blinds me
Oh so silly
Oh so shallow
But oh! It felt so real
And now i am on the moon
This feeling echoes so strong
But it doesn't hit me hard
It doesn't hit me real.
I long things. I do them. They end. They leave this emptiness behind making me think why did i even want it, the simple things they feel so pointless and fake after i get them or do them. It makes me fear if i will ever feel connected enough to feel the reality.
To feel it was meant to be ,to feel it to be true.
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124 · Nov 2019
Two shores apart
The chariot Nov 2019
Two shores apart
Enticed by their tantalizing pulls
She was the blazing fire
Drowing in a hundred suns
He wore a cold attire
Biding his time to be melted,
By her warmth and radiance
Each desiring, pursuing the other
Catapulted towards the shore
But held back by the vast ocean
Of thoughts of memories they ponder
Of experiences of insecurities of scars they nurture
They lay apart
Far apart
In the vast ocean.
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116 · Mar 2020
Freed in the cage.
The chariot Mar 2020
Freed in the cage.
I am still caged
In the depth of those eyes
And all that they said to me
And made me fall
Fall free.
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111 · Jan 2020
Perimeter
The chariot Jan 2020
Perimeter
It’s a scary zone when things stop mattering
When relevance starts transcending the irrelevance
What then....huh?
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111 · Jan 2020
V-I-C-E-S
The chariot Jan 2020
V-I-C-E-S
Breathing down my neck like a serpent  
Controlling the extent of the microns my diaphragm moves
Gazing into my eyes and going straight inside
Unravelling through all the sulci and the gyri
Putting a veil over my cognition
Below which my existence screams to survive
The veil so velvety and smooth
Luring me to dance
Dance to the enchnanting sound hissing in my ears
To the musky scent filling in my breath
To the seductive suffocating of the veins on my neck
To the chilling of the blood under those veins
To the groping and crushing of my muscles
To the crackling of my bones
To the numbing of all noise and pain  
To the shutting off the lids, until
Until I feel levitated into a sweet sleep
Disappearing under the cold, leathery skin.
#addiction
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109 · Apr 2020
Worlds within the world
The chariot Apr 2020
Worlds within the world
You live in this world.
And then you stumble and fall
Through the tunnel
Into another world.
And you experience the eccentricity of this one
Then all you want is to stay here and snuggle
Until you fall through another tunnel.
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104 · Dec 2020
Untouched
The chariot Dec 2020
Untouched
In the cold, starlit nights
The eddies of wind whirling me into spirals
And swaying me
Some little, then some more
Taking me farther away from the perfect world  
Away into to a space
Where I can walk UNTOUCHED.
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102 · May 2020
Grey Bird.
The chariot May 2020
Grey Bird.
Watching silently
Shifting between the black and white
And settling for the grey
The color of the rain clouds
Of the pebbles in the stream
Of the shells on the sea shore
The color of wisdom
The perfect neutral between the extremes
Giving more room for my thoughts to swim
And my mind to breathe
Unlike the confinement and eternity of black and white
Where everything is certain and nothing left to see
Peeping through the grey keyhole
I watch the world recourse and rebirth
Filled with possibilities and conjectures
Of scintillating conversations, debates and paradigm shifts
Ridding all the permanence
And accepting the constant that is change
I moult my feathers and grow new wings
And fly away into the grey.
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99 · Jan 2020
I let you drink.
The chariot Jan 2020
I let you drink.
Tell me
It's give and take they said
But why do i now feel empty
And your thirst is still unsatiable
Maybe because i let you drink.
#parasites
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66 · Mar 9
A letter to my Captain!
The chariot Mar 9
A letter to my Captain!
I have fever but I don’t let it run high
I take the medicine as soon as it starts to rise
This medicine leaves me with a bitter aftertaste
As the fever leaves me in a haste

I have the medicine this once , never had it before
Always had fever and let it soar
I miss the flaming body now
It feels more familiar than the bitter aftertaste somehow

So familiar, my mind feels guilty
Not seeing the body searing in pain
For pain would cleanse
Cleanse the toxins in my heart and not let it stain

Captain, O captain!
How will my heart be clean
When it won’t be flushed off of you
How will I function with you still in me?

So, I think to throw away the medicine and burn in pain
But the fever’s gone now and I have nothing to gain
It is just the bitter aftertaste that remains
Breaking hearts don’t pain much after a while. I wonder if the mended heart would love abashedly after all this while?
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— The End —