1.   Hi, my name is James                              ( I know that sounds like a start to a really bad dating profile but bear with me )

2. I have lived in New York my whole life, I am afraid that if I don't leave the state for college then I will never leave

3. I'm scared that I might be lactose intolerant

4. I really love the cold

5. If music did not exist then I probably wouldn't be alive today
6. Whenever I am alone I will belt out any song that I know at the top of my lungs

7. I really like to play solitaire... Online

8. I am a Russian/German Jew and when I tell people that their reactions range from "cool" to "How the **** did that happen?"

9. I have a lot of opinions

10. The movie with the best soundtrack is Guardians of The Galaxy 2

11. The TV show with the best soundtrack is Grey's Anatomy

12. When I have a panic attack I will count all the green things possible or recite song lyrics or name as many Gilmore Girls characters as I can

13. My biggest fear is never dying   I used to wish I was dead, came very close to fulfilling my desire but I'm glad I didn't because in the last few months I have met the best people ever

14. I quote John Mulaney a lot

15. I plan birthday gifts months in advance because I expect to still have someone to give that gift to I have throw out so many gifts

16. I get addicted to things really quickly and really easy, things like music, tv show plots, the fact the Mattress Firm is definitely a front for money laundering drug traffickers, also books, toxic people, and drugs      
That's the last one tends to shock people

17. I own 34 postcards, I had about 200 pins now only 17, I have a lot of funko pops maybe 70 all stacked on a shelf like a really impressive game for Jenga, I own too many keychains and way too many stuffed animals

18. My best friend was produced by GC2B

19. I used to participate in GLSEN Day of Silence all day every day
20. The words scarred and scared mean the same thing to me they overlap in my head and on my body
My scares tell my stories                      My tool of choice is not a blade or flame but my nails.
I have my anxieties stuck under my fingertips

21. In my last therapy session, I mentioned the fact that my father lives like a ninja turtle   This made my therapist laugh like really hard

22. Sometimes I think maybe I could be a stand-up comedian but no one would like me because all my jokes would be self-deprecating and I would be on the verge of tears the whole time

23. When I was younger I was told nobody likes sad people so don't be sad

24. When I was younger I was told a lot of *******

25. I'm still learning new things about me,  I'm still learning how to love me, I am nowhere close to complete, I am still growing from experiences and that is okay                          
    
Thank you for learning something about me

(Please give critiques)

(Trigger Warning/ Mentions of Suicide)

I am allergic to flowers but you are a flower that I have learned to love
I love you so much it scares me
I love you so much that I was blind for a while
I couldn't see the signs
I saw you hopscotch over cracks in the sidewalks... thought you were dancing
Saw you scratch at your skin... couldn't see you digging for intentional pain
Saw the way you stared at knives... didn't think you would use them to cut into your own body
I love you so much I went deaf for a while
Didn't hear the depression when you said you couldn't sleep and when you did it was for more than ten hours and when you woke up you were still tired but you couldn't go back to sleep or get out of bed
I'm sorry I didn't notice that you weren't happy often or ever
I'm sorry I couldn't hear you
I said I love you
But I can't help but blame myself
I should have said something sooner
Told a teacher
A friend
You
Before I could do anything you were taken away
I told myself it was for your own good,
it was temporary, that you'd be back soon

I love you so much
I forgot to eat for three days
Or I cried for three days or blamed myself for three days
Basically, I disassociated for three days

To be honest I love you but you scare me

I have a recurring dream that I get a call from your mother and she's in tears
and before she says anything I know why she called me

To say you jumped off a bridge
Or swallowed an entire bottle of pills
Or just to say that you died
Maybe she would spare me the details

(Please give critiques)

Hi, my name is **!
Who are you?
I’m James

Thank you for being my savior
You left too soon and I never really processed it
I don't want anyone to feel how I felt when I was told
I still regret not going to your funeral

My tears are a gift that you never got
Still making it up today
maybe the saline is for my pain or the pain I know you couldn't talk about

Why can't I remember being young and happy?
I can only recall crying and not being able to breath
Can I burn memories?

Birth is where life is said to begin
Maybe birth is where all our problems start
Like we are pulled from a safe environment and
Thrown into a world that we are not prepared for
A world of labels and assumptions and having to fight to just be happy
Sometimes I wish I wasn't born into this world

I wasted my words on you
So many days I came home with my shirt soaked with your tears
I did so much for you
I loved you when no one else would
I respected you and when I knew we were not healthy anymore I had enough respect for you to want to tell you in person
But you, you text me at 3 am
Gives me vague details to why you now suddenly hate me
Tell me to walk for two hours to pick up my **** and when I get there
You are asleep
Couldn't be bothered to be awake for 10 ******* minutes
Repeat the same thing two days later!
Finally, you are awake and open the door
You threw my stuff at me and slam the door in my face
You didn't even ******* look at me!
Now the walls of your hallway are soaked in my tears
*******!