It has been exactly one year since you have brought me into this house
Carried me over the threshold and step further
I have turned to this house into a fine home
Looked after your parents like they are my very own
Treasured your sister like the one I never had
I smiled every time you went for work and left me cooped up in the house
I gave it no thought every time you came home and plopped yourself right in front of the TV
I kept quiet when you waved at me from your office because there was always something or someone that always needed your attention
I went about my way every time you asked for the bottle, and never for me
I closed my eyes when you creeped into bed at 2 am in the morning thinking that I would not hear anything
But i must say I am tired now
Tired of keeping appearances and pretending to be happy
When really, every part of me wants to lash out
Smash the fine china to decorate the floors
Paint the walls with your imported poison
And make curtains out your clothes
Acknowledge me while I am still here
Look at me when I sit across you
Embrace me—
“thud” there goes the door

I am standing at the corner
For the ogling
Lewd glances
Cat calls
Sweet lies
But a hot meal too

For Love mother asked gently
For Fame little sister wanted to know
For Friendship dad guessed
For Money my husband scoffed
For Power friends concluded
For Revenge My bitter half gleefully asked
For the Touch of another an ex boyfriend whispered
For A Fix a con artist demanded
For An Escape my best friend inquired
For A Permeant Solution my head wondered
For One Last Yesterday the child in me screamed

No, no no, Just a huge slice of Ferrero Roche Cake made from chocolate mousse and hazelnut my stomach answered

I am not Ok!

I am having a bad day
My morning started off with a war of words
Between my husband and I
I have forgiven him for his coarse language
I have forgiven him for his loud tone
I have forgiven him for his irrational behavior
His stubbornness
His loss of patience
I know I am not perfect
I talk when I shouldn’t
But I am sorry for what I have said as well
I am still hurting
I talk to him because I have to, Not because I want to
I cannot even look at him
and trust me when I say that he is a good looking man
I see him now but I am reminded of the ugliness that spilled from his lips
His words still ring in my ears
This sadness has taken over me for the last 12 hours
I go on with the day doing all that must be done
But a part of me, deep inside
Wants to cry
So far I have used 6 ****** tissues
The left side of my pillow
And My prayer mat
But the tears still have not subsided
I am out right now fighting the stinging sensation behind my eyes
But I will have to return home soon and look into his eyes
I pray that the lump in my throat
the quiver in my lips and the hurt in my eyes
will not give me away—

So... there is this girl that I like
She goes by the name Fiora
She is about 5’2 with dark hair and beautiful green eyes
Like green emeralds with a touch of grey
I have never seen anything like it
She has the cutest little laugh and dimples
I should know because I made her laugh just yesterday
We attend the same college together but we are not in the same class  
Or part of the same caste a lot like star crossed lovers
The problem is that I do not know how to tell her that I like her
Notice that I said like and not love!
I am a pro at talking in front of people but whenever I am in her presence or  come up of a hundred ways to get to close to her.. To pass her paper and ask for the textbook of course I start to stammer and my ears become bright red… Not very attractive I know
But I believe that love should be patient, so I wait everyday till after school at the bus stop, hoping that I see her so that I could take the bus home with her and so far that has only happened once.
I believe that love should be kind, so I walk her to class every chance I get and carry her books as well.
I believe that love does not envy, so I do not become agitated or sad whenever she decides to sit next to another boy during lunch time or talks to one near her locker
I believe that love does not boast, so I do not brag about my capabilities and assets to the public I do my best to remain humble at all times.
I believe that love is not proud, so I make sure to apologize to her whenever I have say or  do the wrong thing by accident
I believe love does not dishonor, so I come to her defense whenever someone feels the need to belittle her in order to make himself feel better by playing with her insecurities and calling her unflattering names.
I believe that love is not self seeking, so I go out of my way to help her whenever she is feeling low by bringing her a small trinket, if she is stressed I make her laugh and if she wishes to be alone I give her space.
I believe that love is not easily angered, because I have plenty of patience. Though she is smart, pretty and kind she can also be an annoying know-it-all sometimes
I believe that love does not keep a record of right or wrongs, so I forgive and move past a few of the times she has hurt my feeling by not wishing me on my big win during Debates or changing her mind last minute when she promised to help me study for a biology exam
I believe that love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, so I kept a brave face the day she told me that she was interested in a nobody, which I was not good enough for her because he came from a lot of money, swore too much and was held back twice.
I believe that love always protects, even though Fiora has decided to go out with this guy I let her know that I am only a call away if things get out of hand
I believe that love trusts so I trust her to make the right decision during the date.
I believe that love hopes so I can only hope that she feels the same way I feel about her tonight
Now what god?

This marks the end of another stressful day
Y'know working for a law firm isn't all that glamorous
and defending woman and children is very draining
It certainly does not help that you are in a room only two doors awauy
the walls and closed doors do nothing to conceal your voice
The voice that told me It was time to see other peoples
what I gave you was not enough
You did not waste any time in socializing
while i stayed back drinking away my pain in liquids
One shot for Valerie my red haired ex best friend
One shot for Ronnie. the piano playing colleague at work
One shot for Ashley my cousin the successful lawyer
One shot for Rita the almond skinned doe eyed newbie at work
Lets not forget the pills
because no martini is complete with an olive or three

I Love you Pumpkin!

As they lowered my mother’s casket into the ground
I held on to my father’s hands tightly
I looked at my father—failing to read him
His grey eyes looked at nothing in particular
And lips uttered words only he understood

He let go of my hands abruptly and started walking ahead
Leaving me behind with my aunt and her husband
I stayed with them till it was time to go home

Home- the word sounded strange to my ears
What good was a home if you did not have a mother to go home to?
One who you could talk to about all your worries
Rest your head on her lap and feel all your tensions drift away every time she stroked your hair

But I had to go anyway—It has been raining and I was soaked to the bone
When I got home
The air smelled musty and everyone was still in their “mourning clothes”
If I had my way I would throw away my Wednesday Adams inspired frock and Mary Janes into the fire once and for all
My father, aunt, uncle and grandmother sat around the kitchen table and tried their best not to weep into the food that was sent by the neighbors
I had no appetite to even begin with so I left the table without saying a word
I went to my room changed my clothes and flopped on my bed
I was too tired for anything else and wanted to be left alone for the rest of my days
But this was just wishful thinking
My problems started during the next couple of days
My aunt and uncle had graciously stayed with us for 2-3 days, before leaving on a Friday morning
But not before my aunt took the liberty of rummaging through my mother jewelry box stealing a keepsake or two
“Oh something to remember my older sister by” she laughing said
But I knew better
This had upset me a great deal but it was the least of my worries

My father had started behaving strangely
Coming home late into the night and bringing with him empty bottles and strange odors instead of dinner and clothes
Forgetting to restock the fridge and pay the bills on time
I was busy with school but I pitched in to help whenever I could
But nothing ever pleased my father!

“Lola why are the eggs burned” that earned me a pinch on the arm
“Take out the garbage” he would yell out and smack me across the head
“The soup tastes like dishwater”

The complaints increased with time and the beatings as well
There were 7 days in a week and he may be spared me for two
Everything and anything ticked the man off

I on the other hand was changing colors like chameleon from blue to purple and looked more like a ragdoll then a 14 year old girl
I hardly fit into my school uniform anymore

I could not remember how long this went on for but soon enough it was routine
He would beat in the day
And come to my room to sooth my wounds during the night

He never apologized- all he had to say was this “I love you pumpkin”
As if that was enough to heal the cigarette he placed on my arms and legs

My bruised face
Purple eyes
Broken bones

Things took a turn for the worse on my 17 birthday
My father would only come home now at night just to slowly creep into my room and check on me
Not on my wounds but my body instead
My eyes remained closed the entire time but that never helped
He was big man and had me easily pinned to my bed
He slapped me about when I tried to get away and thrashed around like a fish out of water

He only had this much to say
“I love you pumpkin”

Going to the police did not help
I could not inform my aunt and
My grandmother was buried six feet under the ground

July 1st The day of his birthday
I decided to end this once and for all
I made Chinese and baked a cake
My father always got home around one in the morning
So I thought I would surprise him by dressing up like his lovely dead wife

I walked into my mother’s room for the first time after she passed away and opened up her walk in closet.
I didn’t waste any time in looking at the dresses and endless arrays of shoes and handbags
I picked out a black dress—one of my fathers favorites
Adorned myself in her precious jewels and spirited on her favorite perfume “Haiku”
So it was the first thing my father would inhale when he walked into the house
Just like I predicted the vile man finally came home
I made myself comfortable in the family room but sitting on my mother’s favorite chair with a glass of wine

The front door suddenly creaked open and I could hear the sounds of heavy footsteps making their way to the living room

The lights came on and I got into character
My father was very startled to see me
“Luna” he croaked
“Yes John It is I”
The man was definitely drunk
I put the glass down and stood up to embrace him
He ran to me like a child
“My darling how I missed you” I mimicked
I gingerly embraced him before coaxing him to sit in my mother chair and offered him the wine

He protested but I did not take no for an answer and begin to massage his neck
Just like the mother used to do it without getting sick
And hummed a tune of my own
After an eternity later I could see he was a little calmer then before
I continued what I was doing but this time using only one hand
And reached for the frying pan I had kept behind the sofa before hand

Before he could take my mother’s name again
I brought the pan down and struck on the head
I smiled when the blood finally started to trickle down

With a satisfied smirk I only had this much to say “I love you pumpkin”

It is happening again
The day will go on
Everything is in motion
But I am on the verge of tears
I cannot hold on to this smile for a moment longer
**** Customer Service!

I envy those who sleep soundly
Not just every now and then
But every single night
No this doesn’t include babies, furry or otherwise
Not the elderly either
Just your basic average human just trying to get by life

The 14 year old who dreams of becoming a doctor so that he save his ailing sister from leukemia

The teacher who has to grade papers every single night while keeping an eye on a ADHD riddled son while a nasty storm brews outside

The weary mechanic who works double shifts to make ends meet and wonder if his doll-like wife will ever make it out of the oncology unit

The fashion intern who works for nothing only to escape and unsuccessfully cover up the abuse she faces at home

The minimum wage young man who flips burgers and occasionally over salts the fries who comes to work with a fake smile when his best friend hasn’t been seen since last week

The overworked doctor who continues to save lives with a steady hand and collected mind even though he just buried his son yesterday

The short frumpy lunch lady that everyone makes fun of at school who cant keep it together because her house is about to be repossessed and wonders where shell be sleeping at night

The bold smiling five year old who is quietly suffering from Alopecia and accidently pats her head in the hopes that whiteish peach fuzz will grow on top

The delinquent that is in detention almost every day of the year not because he a trouble maker but because he his trying to complete homework since it is near impossible with an alcoholic mom who is in charge of everything

The large ***** who everyone continues to harass because she was born with hirsutism and differently colored eyes

People don’t ask for trouble nor can they always escape it
The questions, raised brows and unwanted attention do not falter
Hope begins to evaporate faster then water
I think the absolute worst is when we begin to overthink and replay all of our problems right before sleep sets is when the eyes beg for closure but the mind is still at unease.

There is only 30 minutes to get this right
She sets the paper down in front of me
Inhale then exhale I tell myself
I look over the test it is all multiple choice
My least favorite kind
My heart starts beating faster at this
Inhale then exhale I tell myself
I try to circle in as many of the right answers in the next 20 minutes
I can do this!
Just Inhale then exhale I tell myself
Oh no! Everything is starting to go blank now
It feels like all the knowledge is starting to slowly seep out my brain and leak from my ears
I sit tight and close my eyes
Inhale and exhale
The questions do not make sense anymore
Is it B or D
I erase my original answer and began to second guess myself
The pencil shakes in my hand
Inhale and Exhale
I give my eyes a quick rub and read the questions one more
No that's not right Its D not B
I Inhale--
Time's up!

We lay here together
on a bed of polyester and colored cotton
held together by two palm trees
tiny lights dance above our heads
a path of candles of light the way to the guest house
I do not wish to change anything about this picture
but there is no happy ending to this
I cannot change how I feel about you
When we are together, it is easy to talk
the words slip out from my lips
there is no place for awkward pauses and
time is not wasted on hesitation and useless assumptions about each other
I can talk to you about you about anything
dreams, nightmares, wants, needs, past losses, and the future
yes some of our conversations escalate to screaming matches
but for the most part its nice
I am not sure how to tell you this
The words are stuck in my throat
my skin suddenly feels strange
cold
you feel it too
your hands rub mine
But I feel nothing
when you touch me
in other ways
the butterflies are dead
no goosebumps, whatsoever
no sheer bliss to loose myself in
just endless silence
and a rude ending

I don't know where he is taking me
He wont talk
He is just staring straight ahead at the nearly empty road and sitting there stony faced
I reached for his hand, but it feels cold and wet
I want to make conversation but now clearly isn't the time
So I stare out the window
lost in my own thoughts

Today was really tough
We are busy with the rest of the world and have no time for each other
frustrated about other peoples problems and now not acknowledging our own
Chasing money and but forgetting about his needs
He makes a sharp turn
My thoughts bounce around in my head
He clears his throat like he wants to say something, but doesn't
Will be finally propose?
Did he get that grant he really needed?
Will the painting be finished by this week?
No way to know

He speeds up
I can feel my anxiety level risings
He knows that I hate it when he drives like a maniac
Oh he's upset and its bad news
Did someone pass
Did he get married?
Is there something wrong with the renovations?
No way to know
he drives
I can finally breath for a few minutes
until we pass a bump

Its raining now
that doesn't bother him tonight
normally he complains
I think its romantic
This must be really bad
He finally stops
unbuckles his seat belt
"We need to talk"

The one who disturbs me in more ways I would like to admit to the world
To my own psychologist even
The one who disturbs my sleep
Real sleep, the kind with no dreams, or nightmares night after night
The one responsible for unexplained aches, full time confusion and a type of pain
I think it is in my head somewhere and refuses to subside
Pills, creams, therapy, potions, elixirs nothing has worked
I do not know how to keep quiet
I do not know how much longer I can continue to carry the weight of this mask
Scrape off the unhappiness and longing and replace it with a fresh smile every single day
Flutter these mascara filled lashes and look at what the world wants to me too see
But I don't really see it
You know what I mean?
It is just one act after another
You ****** away at my happiness
Every day without fail
When something good finally happens I end up feeling guilty
Like it should not be happening to me
You bask in my sadness and grief
You laugh at my frustration
You draw strength from my anger and bitterness
You tsk away at my sensitivity
You roll your eyes at my empathy

But you still refuse to go away

I think I met you on a Sunday
I think it was at the mall where I work
I think you smiled at me
I think I was adjusting a mannequin when you walked in
I think you asked about a pink scarf
I think it was for your sisters birthday
I think you invited me
I think I asked you to meet me at 6pm

Everything else after that was a blur
That was three years ago

I don’t remember when we last smiled at each other and meant it
I don’t remember when we last held each other for dear life
I don’t remember when we last sat down to eat dinner together
Woke up to bagels and rose for sunday brunch on the roof

That was eons ago

I cant forget the sadness you wear every day
I cant forget the anger that is buried deep in your eyes
I cant forget the pain that creeps into your dreams and keeps me awake at nights
I cant forget all your broken promises
I cant forget about all the yesterdays we’ve wasted together

Its time to move on

From you
From her
From my old self

Some Love
Others Fall in Love
Which One Was It With You?

It is so quiet here that she can finally hear her self think
She loves this time of the day
It is not morning yet and the so the world is still asleep
Some already nestled comfortably in their beds and dreaming away
other stumbling over their steps and rushing to make it to bed
careful not to wake their lovers
or just to forget their problems
last nights big row
stolen kisses and drunken promises
wounds still fresh
and stained skin
just for a few hours
The pancake make up stays
last nights dress still smells like him
and her shoes are out of sight
just for a few hours
No rambling customers
smoky air and watered down drinks
stinky tips and crude smiles
just for a few hours
Sunny skies
greenery
cottage in the woods
A smiling man and small child in tow
just for a few hours
until the phone will ring again
she will be awake with her blood shot eyes and broken dreams
ready to face her demons for the day

I really don’t know what everyone keeps on warning me about
She is just perfect
She totally understands me
Doesn’t nag me if I just sit around the Xbox on Fridays
Lets me sleep on the weekends and can bake 3 tired cheesecake
She is also great with the elderly and pets
My pug frost has completely forgotten all about me
He gets lou her slippers
Waits for her by door
Welcomes belly scratching, bubble baths, tofu and painted nails
My aunts always wrinkle her nose and asks for rosee when lou is around and shopping
My friends think that she is definitely out of my league and hiding something
Just because she is size 6, invests in high end make up and practically lives at the gym
Whats is wrong with liking what you see in the mirror?
I am lucky to wake up next to her every morning
But I wonder what she could be lying about
I know about her rough childhood
Alcoholic father
Violent brother
The forced abortion at 19 and drugs at 22
She says she feels happier now and that is all in the past
But I still wonder why she chose to go out with me.

Why has he brought me here
Can a night away from petty problems, bills and harsh words, really fix this dead relationship
The dress is lovely and that ring looks expensive
but I prefer to stay home and tend to my wounds
Massive migraine
Puffy lips
Bruised eyes
Will it be the The Pearl Or The mark this time?
Ground floor or the 5th?
Satin or silk?
Chocolates or champagne?
Will he carry me to bed and tell me that he's sorry?
Hold me tight?
Make the same promises again?
To not yell at me
Use me
Hurt me
Neglect me
Leave me

2 minutes of pleasure
A life time of regret

I have kissed you
one too many times
shame on me

Its Friday night
No date
But I was really hoping he would call to say hello
Guess he forgot
His loss
I was really in the mood for lobster tails and crème Brulee
Good thing dads a chef

I Overslept!
Missed The Alarm
Out of cleanser
Forgot to hand in an assignment!
Late for an appointment
Out of milk and cheese
Favorite dress is at the Dry cleaners!
My shoe has a hole in it
I cannot find my pink binder
And I am out of passes for the bus!

Its only 10:00 Am
But I am already having a bad day
What else is suppose to wrong today?

I wish you could stay just awhile longer
4 months is such a short period of time for glossed lips and sun kissed skin
Fun in the sun and splish splash in the pool
All night barbeques under twinkling lights, good music and the company of fire flies
I am no fan of getting the perfect tan but the sun on my face is always pleasant
I am not ready to trade in my flowing skirts for woolly pants
Tie up my wavy locks and shove them under the mass of cotton and wool
Being under dressed works but all those layers are ******
Don’t wanna say good bye to flip flops, dainty slippers and flats, showcasing off the perfect pedicure and slender ankles
Box off anklets and belly chains
Move away from last minute plans, and dates just because the weather is fantastic and he couldn’t really come up with a better reason to want to spend time with you
No longer finding the time to link arms with an old time lover and walk down a path that hasn’t been traveled for quite some time now
Dismiss the temptation of indulging in frozen treats to please the tongue and childish spirits
Its no fun to fish in the cold
No one will be looking for berries in the snow
Sunblock will be taking a rest while lip balm steals the show
It will be the season for vicks vaporub and  Vaseline soon
Summer romance will be dead and we will all have to settle for runny noses and frost bites next
Colourful leaves stuck to sneakers
Worms just starting to wake up
Rain for days
Who can forget the slushy snow!

Leaving Town

Thank you for all the time you spent with me
It was unexpected, and generous
Reminising about the past
Thinking about the future
Making peace
Finding some form of closure
Finding the strength to move on

I am not sure from what exactly
Thinking about you
The memories of us
The wasted time
The wasted energy
I am past it, I think

Flinching away from the shrapnel of dreans and goals
Talking to you was no easy talk
It took all I had to look into your eyes as you sat across me and not judge you
Understand you and forgive you
It took all I had to sit there as if it were nothing and simply talk without letting old feelings cloud my judgement
Speak my mind!
Be tougjh and firm with my words!
But I faltered…

It took all I had to not want to feel the familiar warmth of your hands brush against my cheeks like old times
We didn’t order Bumblerry pie and Ale that day
The coffee become stale and people buzzed around us
But I only had eyes for you
I looked at you so intently until I could look no more
The tears came minutes later like clockwork
I could not stop it
I do not know why
My revolve melted away
Maybe it was due to your voice
The soothing gestures
The new found kindness in your eyes
The humble behavior towards me

I know you will always be my weakness
But I didn’t deserve this
To feel broken all over again

Let me out

It’s going to be a good day today
I can feel it in my bones
No really, my bones ache when the weather gets colder
Knees hurt when it starts to rain
I no longer have to put on that hideous forest green parka and
Those grey sorrel boots
It will be a navy pea coat and black laced up boots instead
I can barely wait to get them out of the closet and try them on
Goodbye silly hats, and scarves
Arrividerci heavy mittens and earmuffs
Hello leather gloves and colourful headbands
I no longer have to tie up my hair
It can now flow freely down my back
Those chocolate highlights were definitely worth it
The skies will be a glorious blue
Birds will be chirping out natures love songs
Squirrels will be scurrying about
And the raccoons better be out of the way
The trees will have on their green ensembles
And guard the earth all year round
Flowers will bloom white yellow and red
It just started snowing!
Maybe tomorrow will be the day

Lifeline

He is blessed with all that his parents have provided him with
He did all that he could as the eldest son in the family
But life began when he met her…
She came into his life at ‘92
March 7th 1992 to be exact
It was all arranged
The elders knew best and the rest was up to them
He though she looked great draped in her fuchsia saree and green eye shadow
Maybe just a little on the thin side though
The wedding so no special affair
But he knew that he had married a special girl and he was the lucky one
She smiled all the time no matter what the weather was like outside
She always did what as asked of her and much more
She was a team player but quickly won all the hearts in the household
She was quiet and tad shy but always praise-worthy
She worked tirelessly
Cooked passionately
Love unconditionally
She faced many hardships till now
But did not let her patience waver one bit
Or let time erase any of the hope stored in her heart
For a better future
A brighter tomorrow
Away form unnecessary comparisons between other wives, back biting, complaints and exaggeration
Despite all that she never wiped the smile off her face
As months turned to years it got smaller but never completely faded away
She worked hard at creating a perfect house
Perfecting her cooking and artistic skills
Keeping the peace among other family members
While achieving all of that she also taught him a few things down the road
She taught him how to hold on to his temper when he was about to loose his cool
She taught him how to hold on to his patience when he become anxious and started talking *******.
She taught him how to hold hos tongue and swallow his pride
She taught him when to take a step back and when to stop talking
He still has not learnt that one yet!
She paid heed to his words whenever there was no one else to listen to him
She stood beside him when he was lost
He hated asking for directions
Together they spent 25 years together and I hope they get another 50 more
I am not sure how it all passed by
Mom kept it all together
But the house is empty now
Looking neglected and shabby without her touch
The food tastes bland
My father cannot sleep
His cycles have become broken and interrupted
My siblings hide themselves in the comfort of their rooms
Keep busy with school and work
But a locked door is not strong enough to block out the sounds of their muffled cries
We all hope and we all pray
But there is no telling when she will walk through that door and bring life into this house
Please come back soon Mom!

I know I talk a lot
My job is to motivate
its to lift people up when they fall but want to stay down
But today I wont be talking
I hope you find this in time
….
It was all you
You were nice like a walk in the park or a picnic for two
You had no real bad habits like smoking, drinking, gambling, lying, cheating
Not that I would care much about that they complicate things
I have learnt to walk away from all that
I cannot tell you what to do with your life because you claim to be more experienced but still don't want to listen
You hated being told to grow up and change your ways for your own good mostly not mine
I know you will listen and remember my words only after I am gone
Why does it always have to be that way?
Why do we wake up only after everything falls to pieces
You can blame money, pedigree, degree, upbringing, past hurts, tradition, gender and everything else in the world for why you act the way you do
But it does not help me.
I do not always speak up but I can see past the *******
It wont change my mind either
Your toxic
You either change or I can do all the growing up

this feels different
new
the sounds are pleasant
the faces smile and nod
the colors are extra vibrant
goodbye sluggish mood
I’ve been smiling all day
he has not ****** me off yet
I think this started right after lunch
Someone brought in dessert
little green cubes made from gelatin. cream and frosting
I popped in a few
all at once, actually
it numbed my tongue for the few seconds
then my mind...

Does distance really do the heart any good?
I don't think so
I have been feeling down for days
You have been away for weeks
A common scenario for many
I shouldn’t think to much into this
But I can’t bring my self to feel angry
At your carelessness
Anger turns into tears
Cross words turns into silence
Another day will pass
My worries will heighten
It doesn’t matter what or whom I distract myself with
Thoughts of you and your well being will slowly crawl their way
into the most damaged parts of me
the parts I thought would have healed by now
a word from you would have sufficed on most days
but now I wish you were just here

the details of how you passed on
are slowly emerging
from the phone
from the computer
from the mouth of strangers
I do not know what hurts less
reading it all on paper and glass
or hearing them with my own ears
one way or another
I still feel like I am bleeding
I still feel like I am breaking
trying to keep everything together
hopelessly failing
but still trying to stay intact

Did not know it was written for us
Forgot a word somewhere
Misread the signs
The potions bubbled over
Did not see it in the stars
The cards were all wrong
Or maybe one was missing
The leaves must have been of the wrong kind
Scry till my hands hurt
Chanted till light turned to darkness
chased away the morning sun
Only to invite the night
Frozen with pain
Thought it would help
The wind howled
The windows rattled
Glass broke
Lights flickered
The phone never rang
The door did not open with a bang
You really are gone

Made Up
It is time for another night out with freinds
I have been looking forward to this
I pray that bill behaves tonight
He tends to smile a lot and becomes a little too friendly with woman in our group of 8  
The past few weeks have been on him with his foster mom passing the house needing more repairs and a possible down-sizing at work
so i did not say anything to him yet
I have my dress all pressed and ready to go but i am not sure of  what shoes to wear with it
my feet have not yet healed yet her dropped a box on it the other day
he said it was a mistake so i believe him
My crimson hair is still a disheveled mess he hates it when it tie it up
so i keep it down even though it gives me a headache
But what to with my face?
Can concealer and a proper foundation hide the  scars left on my face because I forgot the house keys at work and was late my picking up tommy from school because to much traffice
My eyes are a dark shade of blue I say they my best feature but my eyelids are colored purple. So maybe a little eyeliner and mascara e hide the damage
My lips have a healed a bit from last night
Dinner did not exactly as planned
The chicken was too spicy and the potatoes a little under seasoned
In my defense-- it was a new recipe
They are already a peculiar shade of red I may  have something in the top left drawer to match that color.
I best leave my hair down for tonight
I do not want anyone finding out about the burn marks
Petunia Georgia and June will  only gossip about this
My shoulder and arms still feel tender
leather is not good for the skin
Good thing my dress has long sleeves
Now where are those pesky shoes
I think i saw my purse somewhere here as well
The room is a mess- He raged about something earlier
Well i should be getting dressed now
He hates waiting on people and I know better

Man Hunt

The Moon is out
The air feels just right
almost romantic
She will out on a hunt tonight
The woman in white
with windy dark tresses down her back
Wearing a pale colored saree molded especially for her frame
It sparkles in the light
The anklets dance on her two feet and the thin belly chain shimmers with her mesmerizing gait
She sighs and continues down the road
Not a soul in sight
Walking with only with the help of a kerosene lamp
Which further illuminated her features
the light continued to splash on her face
revealing iridescent eyes
maroon lips
and the smallest beauty mark above the upper lip
She is on the hunt for a man
One who will keep her company and fill her appetite
There is no type but it has to be a man
in the 24-30 range
they taste the best and make her feel extra feisty in the mornings
There is something in the distance
a big burly type thing
holding something
He makes his way closer to her
She looks tantalizing he thinks and smiles to him self
the woman in white quickens her pace and makes her way to him
He doesn't ask for details as their eyes meet and stay locked on each other
How much further do we have to go
why not just start here
she laughs in the dark
no baby just a little further
She continues walking to her small cottage
in the middle of nowhere
where there is no security and no distractions
He smiles at her so gullibly  
and follows her unaware of his fate
This is going to be so much fun
she thinks to her self

I met her just last year
I did not know much about women at the time..
But truthfully, I felt like it was one of the best decisions in my life
We met in the college library
I was working at the desk
Shuffling through old history books
Organizing index cards
And trying not to fall asleep while still on my feet
She came in bringing a gust of wind and was wearing a black and red belted gingham
4 inch heels too
A burst of color among all the dust grey and boredom
She smelled faintly of ginger and coconut
Ill never forget what she asked for
“ 5 History books 3 magazines and 1 cookbook please”
I tried to keep a straight face
After that we met up behind the bookshelves
I would talk to her while dusting various odds and ends
I would glance at her when would have her head down in the books strewn in front of her
Her wheatish curls spilling down and that very cute way she would chew the ends of her No.2 pencil
Or the way her tongue sticks out when she is stuck on a complicated calculs problem
I began with the questions over two dollar drinks and churros
There was a few laughs in it too
But she made my heart do silly stupid new things
My pale skin flushed in her presence
My hands became sweaty when ever I handled her books or asked for her library card
A grainly looking goddess
She only asked me out after I into a book cart and bumped my head
As I sit here writing this she has that look in her eyes
A quizzical look almost
I am hoping that the bump will go down and she will agree to go watch a silent movie with me
About a monster creature stuck in paris.

Memories
I suppose he has just had a hard day at the office.
My husband normally does not act like this
Harsh  words, red eyes and coughing that hurts my ears
things are very different now
We love each other but something is not there anymore
I think this to myself as I open my closet.
A Box falls out
An old fashioned hat box.
I cannot remember what I kept in there
But I bring it to my bed and pull the top open
I find a few articles in there
A dried up orchid – One similar to the one he bought for me at for prom
I cannot seem to find any photographs of that night
I shrug it off
I pull out yards of flimsy looking material next - A gold dress with sequins
This was from my first night with him. We celebrated new years together when we first started dating
The color is tacky and I don’t think it will fit anymore
I see what else is in the box
I pull out a pair of earrings.
These belonged to his mom she gave them to me on our wedding day
Bless her heart
My hands touch something made from velvet and studs
It’s a collar for a cat
This must be lucy’s his beloved cat- well kitten that he had rescued during a rainstorm
Before I can reach for something else
I see my husband standing in the doorway with a sheepish grin on his face
The same one that me blush only 15 years ago
“You were not suppose to see that until much later Susan”
I smile back. “What will you put next into the box”?
His smile gets bigger and he whips out a Polaroid camera
Snaps a picture and drops it in the box
A picture of you with not a drop of makeup on, hair down and what I hope is love in your eyes.

My yesterdays can be replayed over and over in my dreams
Today went by too quickly
I hope tomorrow will be a day to remember

I bet some famous woman looking to get her face on something else in the market endorsed this product
She probably doesn't even need to loose any weight
Or spend her lunch hours stabbing into wilted greens and watery sauces
I hope this was worth the money
Birthday presents are suppose to be thoughtful
I know he was thinking of something when he bought me these
But i will admit that i have done other things to loose the same old 10 ten pounds all the unties seem to notice when i step out
Expensive atrocious smelling smoothies are suppose to work but they just made me gag
Fewer calorie bars had caught my moms eye but by the third attempt they started to taste like chocolate and cookie dough tires
The after taste alone will want to make you brush your teeth 4 times a day
Vegan granola sounds exotic for sure but after awhile I just stopped trying
Whey protein turned into honey drizzled pancakes sounds appetizing but i couldn't get past the smell
Yes i have a sensitive nose
So the neighbour enjoyed those instead
Egg whites are great and lentil patties are delicious
Cricket flour and taro ice cream required more time getting used to
Jellies, and gummies happen to be a weakness because I can never stop at the recommended serving size
I eat enough for 3 days instead of one
Apple cider vinegar is great melting away fat but I prefer to use it to clean the house instead
Flax seeds remind me of bird food
Anyone else see what I see?
I can eat acai berries by the pound
But this week I will have to settle for weird looking lollipops that are suppose to curb the appetite
I can finally have candy for lunch!

Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who is the most frazzled looking one of them all?
Would it be Me?
With my normally glorious caramel tinted hair looking like straw
My clear blue eyes bleary and unfocused
from too many cups of coffee and broken slumber
Blackish puffy eye lids void of ebony black kohl
Dark circles to really bring out the tiredness in me
I am out of cleanser, forgot the toner and there is no moisturiser in sight
I present to you dry ashy looking skin
I forget when I last smiled
but I have on a pair of chapped cracked lips
lipstick nor lip balm will help my case
Do you think he will notice?

I forget the date
the time even
but it was raining outside
I had no umbrella
my hair had gone limp and
the the blood red pant suit I had on weighed a ton
the buildings looked bigger and more intimidating the usual
I paid no attention to the people
they were passing by in a faceless blur
I paid no attention to the phone either
I did not hear it ring under a mountain of paper make up and scrambled thughts
the phone battery had betrayed me as well
I didnt know what I was so busy with that day but I felt this intense need to just make it home
or else it would be too late!
But I could not make it in time,
My feet did not carry me home fast enough though
I stood there, and watched
didn't scream
didn't react
didn't feel
when a man wheeled you out of the house in a black body bag

Model Material
5'6
Slim
blue-grey eyes
silver hair
yes its natural
turn to the left
turn to the right
curtsy
walk for me and smile with your eyes
do not wave
No room for mistakes
cover up that beauty spot,, yes the one right next to your lip
cute, but not what i am looking for
strut
stand next to the wall and
careful not to trip
hike up that skirt
and try these on for size
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
say no to coffee, wine and carbs
Bring your feet close together
tuck that in!
Push that out!

they are look so poised,
glorious in their million dollar get ups
But I just think it all sounds so painful

Its's not quite 6:30 yet
I sit at my desk with the pc on
A blank page stares back at me
and I feel that itch
It starts at my fingers just waiting to tackle the keyboard and ready to type my problems away for the day
deleting my thoughts one by one from my brain and onto the screen
to make room for  life's more mundane tasks
like making sure that Mr breadwinner has his shoes polished and a matching tie to wear to the office
or chase a silly little five year without breaking a sweat because she refuses to wear slippers or let a brush come close to her auburn curls.
I usually enjoy the chase but not today
the sight of her precious face and that shrill but infectious laugh is enough to get a headache going
not sure what that's about but here it comes...
Maybe a cup of joe will do the trick or is it chardonnay?
can't remember anymore
it has been like this for the past couple of weeks.
He goes to work with a happy smile pasted on his face while mine is replaced with a silent plea " Please give me the strength and patience from within to stay on my feet from dawn till dusk"
Should I wait till he gets home  to tell him what is on my mind or save it for the end of the month when all the bills have been paid off and everyone has been waved off until the next month.
It only seems like yesterday I brought Anjulie home buts it has already been 5 years
Motherhood is a blessing  and all but what I really need a pause button every now and then
Where is the remote when you need one?

I wanted to stay home today
Take it easy
Cook in the candle light
Clean with the music on
Paint what the mind want
He wouldn’t hear it
Picked up my satchel
Dragged me by the hand
To a fair
Blazing heat
Naked shoulders
Tousled hair
Incense
I took it all in
The air smelled funny
The people looked so happy
I sniffed the drink I was holding
I lost him in the crowd
But I wasn’t worried
I found him at a kiosk
Chatting up a sticky looking thing
She had wispy hair and questionable taste in clothes
Looked so out of place
She handed him a flower
He dropped a coin in her palm
I waited till he came to me
This is for you
Looks weird but she said it will bring change your life
It will give you all the things you want the most
I laughed
Didn’t believe in all that *******
The ugly translucent thing would be just sitting on the mantle
He kissed my fingers
Even that felt off
Dropped the flower into my bag
I was ready to go home and shower
He didn’t stay the night
He left the flower by the window
It rained heavily
He got lost in the rain
His mangled body never came to me
I didn’t believe it
I didn’t talk to anyone for the next 30 days
I painted till my fingers bled
Scrubbed away till I felt clean
Drank till I saw stars
My mother called with bad news
The cat had passed on
In a pool of her own blood
I didn’t ask any questions
I showered
Let the water run till I felt pruny
Didn’t hear the bell ring
Didn’t hear the pistol fire
Didn’t Care
I toweled off and sat in front of the fridge
Eating everything in sight
Clawing into the food
It all tasted salty
The lights went out
I am alone now
I feel weird

I have way too many moods to list
today, however I can tell you exactly how I feel
The sun is out but my thoughts are cloudy
The sky is clear but I want to cry
The flowers are in a bloom but all I want to do is hide
the view from my window, looks perfect
A mirror of happiness and glee but all I want to do is break it and watch as all the pieces shatter and fall to my feet
Everything is so neat and tidy, I wanna change that
The plates and silver are out for display
I want to smash all the plates and watch as the all the forks and knives fly into the celling and stay there
That ugly ancestral flower vase is my face again
I think it should have been buried with my dead grandmother
The mean one ofcourse
But I will do no such thing because the peoples are coming!

The sun is up but he is not
He always expects breakfast in bed
At the stroke of nine
In fishnet stockings, gloves and frills
Steaming hot
Freshly squeezed
Lavishly buttered
Dripping wet
I have on my candy lips
Vanilla body butter
But something is still amiss
Maraschino cherries

Short, Long
Bright, Dark
Bold, Simple
There are so many different kinds of earrings available
But I cannot wear any of them!
I have to stick to clip-ons and magnetic earrings
Because mom said so

I will continue to move on
It’s all I can do
I still cant forget you
I don’t think I ever will
I am not sure why that is
Anger has melted away
Hate has turned into honey
Sadness and grief still haunt me
Loss and regret walk beside me
Every single day
Wherever I go
Whatever state I may be in
The grip gets stronger with time
I can cope with the marks they leave behind
I can cope with feelings of suffocation and unhappiness
I can cope with the memories
But how do I free my self from the pain
Of you not being here
Of you never coming back
of us never crossing paths again

I wish you were here because I need you
The distance has become too much for me
I am patient but I am failing

I know we talk, but I need more tonight
I need you to take me away
Just for one night
Please
Let there be very little light and space between us
No people whatsoever
No other voices around, except for yours

Undress me till I have nothing but my smile on
Let there be no distractions
No disturbances
Let our bodies talk tonight
For hours, without delay
In the dark
As our senses are heightened

Touch me
I wont ask again
But make the pain go away
Its an order
If you cant Then numb it

Kiss me, and take your time
I want to savour it
But make the pain go away

Caress me, and don't rush
I want it to be the last thing I will ever feel
But make the pain go away

I want to forget everything tonight and loose myself
completely
In you, right here and right now

Just the two of us
In the dark

Do not call again
I do not want to hear you voice
The same one you used to tell me that I was perfect
Perfect for you
The voice that yelled out « I hate you »
The voice that thretened and said « I do not want to see you again »
The voice that smirked, then smiled and said « I do not ever want to see you again »
The pity iin your voice is all fake
The remorse in your voice is a little to late
The hope in your voice has been practiced and perfect
The relief iin your voice is coming
There was never an « us »
Only « My this » and « My that »
Only « because I am a man »
Only « because i said so »
This only happened and got dragged out because it had always been one sided
I was only part of a nasty drunken truth or dare game
So lets get this over with a coin toss
Heads or Tails it’s still your loss

The clock reads 1:04 pm
I will have to spend this night like every other night
I should be asleep but I feel restless
The silk on my skin feels anything but luxurious tonight
My mind should be free from thought but it replays every memory i have of you
The ones where you spoke to me
The ones where we laughed together
The ones where we looked at each other with love
The ones where lips were kissed, skin was caressed and moans were silenced
The ones where you raised your hand and could not look at me the very next day
It is chaos in there and that was three years ago...
My hands should stay at my side but they grab at the sheets
My eyes should close any moment now but they sting from the tears that are about to fall
You caused the pain, you left behind the memories, injected the bitterness now find me the cure!

So another day ends
I Lay awake
the wind howls
finger like branches knock at the windows
I feel lonelier then usual
cinnamon offers very little comfort
but she's fast asleep in her fuchsia coloured doggy bed
the though of filling my insides up with rosy liquid in the harsh light of the television seems depressing
I need something stronger
meditation is off the table
I finished the last of my cigarettes
forgot the lavender oil and bubble bath
on purpose, I think
there is no one to hold me in the midst of all the bubbles and soft glow of tea lights
no one to hold my hands as I am curled up in something of yours with my hair in curlers
just talking about insignificant things
silly things
the small things
I miss it
the sound of your voice
the feel of your touch
your scent
I know you will never come to the phone
you have stopped paying attention to my messages
is it more time that you need?
or have you already made up your mind?