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1.6k · Jun 2015
I love You Pumpkin
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I Love you Pumpkin!

As they lowered my mother’s casket into the ground
I held on to my father’s hands tightly
I looked at my father—failing to read him
His grey eyes looked at nothing in particular
And lips uttered words only he understood

He let go of my hands abruptly and started walking ahead
Leaving me behind with my aunt and her husband
I stayed with them till it was time to go home

Home- the word sounded strange to my ears
What good was a home if you did not have a mother to go home to?
One who you could talk to about all your worries
Rest your head on her lap and feel all your tensions drift away every time she stroked your hair

But I had to go anyway—It has been raining and I was soaked to the bone
When I got home
The air smelled musty and everyone was still in their “mourning clothes”
If I had my way I would throw away my Wednesday Adams inspired frock and Mary Janes into the fire once and for all
My father, aunt, uncle and grandmother sat around the kitchen table and tried their best not to weep into the food that was sent by the neighbors
I had no appetite to even begin with so I left the table without saying a word
I went to my room changed my clothes and flopped on my bed
I was too tired for anything else and wanted to be left alone for the rest of my days
But this was just wishful thinking
My problems started during the next couple of days
My aunt and uncle had graciously stayed with us for 2-3 days, before leaving on a Friday morning
But not before my aunt took the liberty of rummaging through my mother jewelry box stealing a keepsake or two
“Oh something to remember my older sister by” she laughing said
But I knew better
This had upset me a great deal but it was the least of my worries

My father had started behaving strangely
Coming home late into the night and bringing with him empty bottles and strange odors instead of dinner and clothes
Forgetting to restock the fridge and pay the bills on time
I was busy with school but I pitched in to help whenever I could
But nothing ever pleased my father!

“Lola why are the eggs burned” that earned me a pinch on the arm
“Take out the garbage” he would yell out and smack me across the head
“The soup tastes like dishwater”

The complaints increased with time and the beatings as well
There were 7 days in a week and he may be spared me for two
Everything and anything ticked the man off

I on the other hand was changing colors like chameleon from blue to purple and looked more like a ragdoll then a 14 year old girl
I hardly fit into my school uniform anymore

I could not remember how long this went on for but soon enough it was routine
He would beat in the day
And come to my room to sooth my wounds during the night

He never apologized- all he had to say was this “I love you pumpkin”
As if that was enough to heal the cigarette he placed on my arms and legs

My bruised face
Purple eyes
Broken bones

Things took a turn for the worse on my 17 birthday
My father would only come home now at night just to slowly creep into my room and check on me
Not on my wounds but my body instead
My eyes remained closed the entire time but that never helped
He was big man and had me easily pinned to my bed
He slapped me about when I tried to get away and thrashed around like a fish out of water

He only had this much to say
“I love you pumpkin”

Going to the police did not help
I could not inform my aunt and
My grandmother was buried six feet under the ground

July 1st The day of his birthday
I decided to end this once and for all
I made Chinese and baked a cake
My father always got home around one in the morning
So I thought I would surprise him by dressing up like his lovely dead wife

I walked into my mother’s room for the first time after she passed away and opened up her walk in closet.
I didn’t waste any time in looking at the dresses and endless arrays of shoes and handbags
I picked out a black dress—one of my fathers favorites
Adorned myself in her precious jewels and spirited on her favorite perfume “Haiku”
So it was the first thing my father would inhale when he walked into the house
Just like I predicted the vile man finally came home
I made myself comfortable in the family room but sitting on my mother’s favorite chair with a glass of wine

The front door suddenly creaked open and I could hear the sounds of heavy footsteps making their way to the living room

The lights came on and I got into character
My father was very startled to see me
“Luna” he croaked
“Yes John It is I”
The man was definitely drunk
I put the glass down and stood up to embrace him
He ran to me like a child
“My darling how I missed you” I mimicked
I gingerly embraced him before coaxing him to sit in my mother chair and offered him the wine

He protested but I did not take no for an answer and begin to massage his neck
Just like the mother used to do it without getting sick
And hummed a tune of my own
After an eternity later I could see he was a little calmer then before
I continued what I was doing but this time using only one hand
And reached for the frying pan I had kept behind the sofa before hand

Before he could take my mother’s name again
I brought the pan down and struck on the head
I smiled when the blood finally started to trickle down

With a satisfied smirk I only had this much to say “I love you pumpkin”
1.6k · Sep 2015
A love like no other
Ana Habib Sep 2015
Never have I felt a love like this before
Different and not like any other
One that I have always hoped for
But also dreamt about often at night


A love full of friendship,humor and heart
Where days are filled with laughter and colour
And nights are spent in comfort and and nothing but the sounds of out hearts beating as one
A love so beautiful from inside and out
Free from tears and pain
Untainted by feelings of hearted and jealousy

A love with soul
Tender and true
A love that I have found
Only in you...
1.3k · Aug 2018
Goodbye
Ana Habib Aug 2018
Looks like this is the end.

Goodbye to our late night phone calls, because I will never hear your voice again
Goodbye to the long walks in the park, because I will never feel the warmth of your hands
Goodbye to the way you always held me close during a storm, because I will never be in the same room as you
Goodbye to the morning coffee, midday mojito and midnight snacks because there is no one waiting for me at home
Goodbye to all the valentines, teddy bears and gummy flowers, because there will never be someone as thoughtful as you
Goodbye to our silly nicknames, half anniversaries and crazy road trips, because my memory has been severely affected now
Goodbye to all the hugs, kisses, tickling and corny jokes, because it hurts too much to remember
Goodbye to our future plans, and dreams, because everything stopped on August the 19th
Goodbye to all the love, lust and passion, because I will never feel again
Goodbye to the years of laughter, tears, and mayhem because that’s all in the past now

Goodbye to us…
1.2k · Jun 2015
Charm Bracelet
Ana Habib Jun 2015
It was like any other piece of jewellery
Made from a thin chain and built to string many memories
The very first token of our love
A flower, for the day we met
A porcelain cup, for the first cup of coffee you made me
An open book for the days, when we worked side by side at the local library
A red car, the same one you would give me rides on
A pair of silver bells, for the day we both said "I do"
A small cottage, like the house we built using only our two hands
A rattle to celebrate the birth of our first child
Roses to mark a 10 year anniversary

It didn't seem like much but meant a great deal
So how could you give it away?
Look for a new owner already?
Slap it on to another woman's wrist
Whose eyes are cold as her heart
1.2k · Aug 2018
Baby Steps
Ana Habib Aug 2018
I am unsure of how and when we got this close
He did not matter very much
His absence did not make me feel anything anymore
but with you
I began to smile again
I talked more then I listened
I waited in anticipation for your calls
those random texts
that birthday package was a nice touch too
You made me realize that I had been searching for over the years
a simple connection with depth and soul
with you I was able to think out loud
and talk freely without being judged or compared to the rest of the girls
The time difference may not have been to my liking but our emotions have were certainly real
You missed me and I worried over you
You had a bad day  and I consoled you
Nightmares would keep me up at night but you were able to make sense of them
But then one day
the calls had become more spaced out
the texts less frequent
and there was nothing to look forward to in the mail
We would start a conversation but there was never any time to finish it
the days were filled with work
but the nights went back to being lonely and filled with longing
I never got to meet you and do all the things we were suppose to
I wont forget you
But I am ok with that
873 · Jul 2018
Doppelganger
Ana Habib Jul 2018
I am still not over you
but I can clearly see that you have moved on
that's fine by me
But now that I've gotten a closer look at her
I can still tell your not over me
I know you still think of me
I know you still want me there
You ask her to curl her hair?
You make her trade her sneakers for stilettos?
You put her on diet of wheatgrass, almonds, and carrot juice?
You lovingly put on skin brightening cream on her?
You push her to dees to get her eye brows and nails done?
You teach her how to curtsy?
speak in 7 languages?
hold down her liquor like a lady?
Mingle with people old enough to be her daddy?
Well
She hates you
hates your guts
hates how you mention my name when your ready to come
how you wish she was me
to ****** you
ravish you
drown you in love
782 · Jul 2018
The stranger
Ana Habib Jul 2018
The Stranger

He came in my life at my darkest hour

When
the man who promised to stand by me
who made feeble promises to hold me in the dark
and protect me from the dangers of the world
left, without a word or clue
I do not know why to this day
It was very windy that day and I did not have much on
I was wearing his favorite dress
dusty rose and pair of white slippers
but he never showed
My dress gathered dirt
my make up smudged
and my head hurt

Was it something I said?
Something I did?

I am not sure how long I sat there in grass
legs sprawled but unable to move
unable to feel

He came around introduced himself and sat down
I cant remember what his name was
but he was dressed in black
and had a long jagged scar on his left check
It looked odd but he did not scare me
he talked about everything and at same time nothing at all
reached for my hand and held on to it
said that i looked lost and could use a friend

I smiled and said nothing
It was just the two of us in the middle of all the uncertainty
I did not know what tomorrow was going to bring
and he was not in a rush to go anywhere

He was not so great with words but he understood my pain
that was 2 years ago
I am sitting here in the same place once more
hoping that he has not forgotten about me
586 · Feb 2018
10 Reasons I love you
Ana Habib Feb 2018
I love the way the way you smile at me when our eyes meet
2. I love holding your hands and walking with you
3. I love the way you believe in me
4. I love it when you turn around to kiss me on the nose every morning
5. I love the way you that you love me at night right before you go to sleep
6. I love how you say nothing when I purposely photobomb your endless selfies
7.I love how we talk endlessly into the night with nothing but coffee between us
8. I love how you pick me up when i am feeling low
9. I love how you remember all the things i forget
10. I love how you rescue me from spiders, cats and raccoons

I only wish you were here with me
468 · Jun 2015
Who Knew
Ana Habib Jun 2015
Who knew… (Part 1)

Such a day would come
Where I find myself feeling guilty, alone and burdened by memories of you
Of us..
I did I best to be your girl and then one day your wife
At the tender age of 19
What did I know back then?
But it had been one of the best days of my life
I never looked back since
I thought my life had been set
But soon enough problems began to trickle into our small perfectly built-up world

The voice you so dearly loved and longed to hear over the phone suddenly sounded too shrill to you and annoyed you out of your mind
The eyes you looked into so deeply at times had soon turned into a sickening shade of purple—which you say was just the result of anger
The lips you so tenderly locked with your own—was ripped and bleeding
The body you loved to kiss and caress all of sudden repulsed and one fine day you decided that it would now serve as your new punching bag

Swinging to the left, then to the right
Punching up then down
You did what you thought was right
To see me so small and broken forcibly pushed to the corner
Brought you immense pleasure, to this day I cannot imagine why
Everything I did angered you
Nothing was ever good enough and everything was always flawed
My words were just useless noises filling up the air
Conversation had turned into torture
Every minute I spent with you lasted longer than the previous one
But living under the same roof was unbearable

Can you imagine, everything took place in the same house I had so lovingly decorated to my heart’s content
The place I spend my first days as a newly married bride
Was now broken and unrecognizable
The walls that once bared memories was now artfully decorated with holes from the endless hours of fighting
Streaked with blood from a sucker punch or kick one too many
Furniture we had bough to together now lay ruined and in pieces from the strength you didn’t know you had
Clothes which had selected for me with artistic eye and keen sense of fashion often ended ripped and torn from your groping hands and angry fits
The jewelry you surprised me with when traveling one of the many places in the world (Paris/Rome/Mexico/) now glittered in a thousand broken shiny pieces

But I picked myself up and shook everything off
Thinking that this was fate and what we were going through was just a rough patch and that hopefully one day everything would go back to normal
I took a deep breath and move forward
Never letting my patience waver or my temper rise
And helped you to your feet

I listened to your worries
I shared your burdens
I basked in your glory
I loved you when you were feeling down
And supported you during your times of need

But what did all that do
Our happiness was always so short-lived
For days to a month at home
Until the vicious cycle began all over again
459 · Jan 2018
The perfect dress
Ana Habib Jan 2018
I hate shopping!
Nothing seems to fit
The colour just isn’t right
They don’t have it in my size
Yes you have guessed it
I am a curvy girl
I think I look great for 23 but mother dearest disagrees
She says hunting for a wedding dress should be anything but easy
I mean what’s the big deal with wearing white?
I refuse to enter another boutique with its fancy designer name
With their Fictitious beauty consultants looking so prim and proper with their hair done up and nails glued on.
Or choke down another glass of cheap champagne.
All I see is a sea of white, beige and the occasional pink with far too many crystals and beads and 50 different kinds of sashes and scratchy veils
Just once I would like to try on a dress made for me
I imagine it to be blue like the sea-  
With a straight lined skirt that’s flares out like a trumpet (Don’t ask me why)
made from a material that looks exquisite and  envelopes my body like silk
no floral patterns, I prefer seashells instead
Veils and trains out of the question!
A tiara made from pearls and diamonds will do
Now Is that too much to ask for?
456 · Mar 2019
Little Green Cubes
Ana Habib Mar 2019
this feels different
new
the sounds are pleasant
the faces smile and nod
the colors are extra vibrant
goodbye sluggish mood
I’ve been smiling all day
he has not ****** me off yet
I think this started right after lunch
Someone brought in dessert
little green cubes made from gelatin. cream and frosting
I popped in a few
all at once, actually
it numbed my tongue for the few seconds
then my mind...
433 · Jun 2015
USED
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I have no idea how I came into this world

I have no family or a place I can call home

But I know there are many more like me

Traveling in 2s 3s and 4s

Its been hard since day one

I stay with everyone and anyone who can afford me

I stay with them, through their times of need

Stress, Break-up Divorce and even Death

I have to endure his clumsy and groping touch

without a being told twice

During the middle of the night or in the dead of winter

For days months and perhaps even years

While he uses me til his 5 minutes of satisfaction are up

And when he is done

He will throw me to the curb, where I will lay naked and spent


Who am I ?
423 · Feb 2018
Windows to the soul
Ana Habib Feb 2018
Windows to the soul

The windows to her soul are green
Big and round
The color of fresh tea leaves
I bet you thought I was going to say emeralds
They are filled with amusement
Sometimes mystery
And when I am in trouble, plenty of mischief
They sparkle in the sun
But turn dark, almost black when she is angry

They can make feel uncomfortable when I am guilty of something
They provoke me to the point I want to spill my secrets the deepest darkest and dirtiest ones
They encourage me whenever I am not sure of something
They hold my gaze forever just when I think it is not possible to love this woman any more than I did yesterday
They flirt with me in the driveway when she is about to leave for work
They tease me between the sheets when we are tangled up in each other
They glare at me when my mouth works faster than my brain
They laugh at me when I make fool of myself in the kitchen
They shrink in size and tear up when I cannot hold on to my tongue
They smile at me in the morning
They have showered me with love, appreciation, concern and trust for the last 36 years

But right now as I sit here and look at her lying still in that cheap hospital gown
With her face a covered in a mask with shades of red and purple
I can see them, but they cannot see me
414 · Jul 2018
Confession
Ana Habib Jul 2018
I’m sorry we fight so much
Late at night
Sleep deprived
Hungover on old memories and faces
Wishing that it was 1972
Mary’s dead and gone
Peter's in rehab
And the baby eloped
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you
I don’t blame you anymore
I know you tried
working overtime brought in the goods
but we were loosing the kids
Weekly trips to the hair salon and Dairy Queen
made them smile a lot
but it was all out of fear
We should have listened when it was time to be quiet
Give out hugs on the daily instead of beatings
Hold them close instead of locking them indoors

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry
374 · Feb 2018
Inhale then Exhale
Ana Habib Feb 2018
There is only 30 minutes to get this right
She sets the paper down in front of me
Inhale then exhale I tell myself
I look over the test it is all multiple choice
My least favorite kind
My heart starts beating faster at this
Inhale then exhale I tell myself
I try to circle in as many of the right answers in the next 20 minutes
I can do this!
Just Inhale then exhale I tell myself
Oh no! Everything is starting to go blank now
It feels like all the knowledge is starting to slowly seep out my brain and leak from my ears
I sit tight and close my eyes
Inhale and exhale
The questions do not make sense anymore
Is it B or D
I erase my original answer and began to second guess myself
The pencil shakes in my hand
Inhale and Exhale
I give my eyes a quick rub and read the questions one more
No that's not right Its D not B
I Inhale--
Time's up!
#ew
360 · Apr 2018
Unknowingly
Ana Habib Apr 2018
The left side of the pillow is wet
The front of his shirt is wet
Moms purple handkerchief is wet
But I cannot tell you why the tears fall
There is no specific time, date or ambiance for them
They fall continuously
Sometimes when I am standing in front of the stove
Standing in front of the door wondering if I should walk in or walk away
Sometimes they feel cool cascading down my cheeks
Other times hot to the touch and stinging
It’s a relief to spill them
Other times it happens on the spot
Ruining my made-up face
My composure
A splitting headache follows right after
It leaves me feeling weak for a few hours to a few days
Makes me feel cold
A cold I cannot shake off
I have gone to see a doctor or 3
She said its happening because of stress
He said I need more exercise and proper sleep
Ma says its because I have really bad time management skills a husband, a home and homework is tough to handle
Dad thinks its because hubby and I don’t communicate enough
Truthfully, we do but he doesn’t get me
My lips move and the sounds come out
But I feel stupid and more frustrated in the end
He cant put two and two together
He is always busy with his worldly affairs
I stay on my own most of the time
I prefer it that way
I hate crying in front of others
But I am still unable to tell you why
Ana Habib Nov 2020
The family of two would soon be turning into 3. Jasmine and Robyn  Banerjee were a young couple who had gotten married only a few short month back and were now eagerly waiting for the arrival of the baby. Jasmine, did not care if was a boy or girl. She and her husband agreed that as long as the baby was healthy had her mom eyes and dads smile everything was perfect.

Her in-laws had other ideas. They looked after her and was very understanding about her plight. The morning sickness, violent mood swings, acne, aches and pains. They advised her on what they thought was right but every few days or so her mother in law had something new to say. “ Don’t eat too much of something or the baby will have birthmark just like it somewhere on the body” or eat fish so that the “baby will be smart” or something more annoying like “ do not bathe, the baby might be born early” The mother to-be smiled politely or rolled her eyes as far back as possible while silently wishing someone would take her a way from these kooky people.

Jasmine, was a school teacher by profession and her husband Robyn ran a very successful travel agency. She had been told that it would be best if she resigned from work, at the very beginning of her pregnancy. Robyn provided for both and why did a woman need to work after a child is born?

Baby Dia was born on a Friday at 8pm in a clinic after a long and tiring labour. Both the doctor and nurse were smiling when they handed the pink bundle of cries to Jasmine. She did not even have 10 minutes alone with the baby before the door burst open with an eager set of grandparents and a father who looked, troubled.

What is it? Cried one of the grandmothers

“A girl” said Jasmine smiling

“hmm”

“a boy would have been better”

“ I Know she would bring bad luck to the family”

Not something to tell a new mom but everyone was suddenly looking each other instead of her. No one went to congratulate the mom or take a second look at the baby. Jasmine’s mother in law looked upset. Her mom just patted her hand, hurriedly mumbled something, and left the room with her father in tow. Jasmine felt bad upon hearing everything and wondered what kind of people she had been living with till now. Her husband was quiet the whole time.

Baby Dia grew up to be a happy smiling baby who made little to no fuss, slept through the night and always seemed excited about expanding her palate. She did not see much of her father or grandfather. They never showed much interest in her. They never warmed up to her. Robyn smiled, picked her up or played with his daughter every once in a while, but for the most part he worked long nights, on the weekend and went on week long trips when he needed to.

Robyn was working late again for the third time this week. He had hoped for a boy for so long but ended up with a daughter. She was precious to look at but women are complicated, expensive and overly emotional.

One afternoon, 4 year old Dia was playing outside with a few of the neighbourhood children. She had great fun but came home looking a little more then just *****. Her pink frock had holes in it, her wavy hair came undone and she was holding only one shoe in her hands. Her mother was no where to be seen but her grandmother hollered at the girl.

“Look at you, dirt all over the place,” why cant you just play inside with your dolls or toys only boys get this ***** and stay out so late” Dia paid no attention to these words and went to her grandmother for a hug. The old woman shooed the little girl away and locked her in the bathroom.  “Don’t come out till your squeaky clean” her grandmother warned. What was the big deal about getting ***** Dia wondered?

When she had turned 7, Dia started attending events and invites with her parents. They were all invited to a wedding on a Saturday night. She no longer had to wear scratchy frocks anymore. Her mother had bought her something better. A pant suit with a pink scarf. Dia loved it and dressed up by herself with no help. The dress was great, but the scarf was a nuisance. It was long and she felt suffocated. What was there to hide? Her mom draped in a pink saree, frowned when she came out wearing no scarf.

“Put on your scarf it comes with the dress”

“I don’t want to its ugly and I wont able to play with this on”

The normally calm woman, suddenly felt annoyed.

“Look, I have a shawl and your grandmother is wearing one too” that’s just how women dress, and that includes little girls.”

Her grandmother sitting in the back of the car murmured something about teaching her manners and modesty. Dia didn’t flinch

“ I have manners and my legs are not showing” Modesty in the “Banarjee” household meant that woman were not to expose their legs or back or any other parts of the body except for the hands and feet” Such rules did not apply to the men.

The next morning Jasmine spoke to Dia about the incident.

“I wanted you to wear the scarf last night because its how girls dress. You are a girl and you have to cover yourself to avoid trouble. Good girls always cover themselves and listen to their parents.”

Dia nodded but she didn’t understand anything. She was hungry and just wanted to eat.

When Dia was 11. One of her father’s colleagues came over. A kind man, his wife and annoying son. She liked them. They always brought over presents. She had gotten blue bangles last time. She saw them, from her window. She could not leave her room until her mother called for her.  It was always to work in the kitchen, Serve the guests, tea and snacks, set the table and do the dishes while everyone talked in the living room or sat in the backyard. Everything had to be cleaned up and the tea had to be exactly right. Not too dark, or too sugary. Grandmother says that if a girl did not know how to make proper tea she would not get a good husband in the future. Dia smirked when she heard this, her husband can have milkshakes for all she cared. She hated tea. Drink too much of it and she would get darker. Drink to little of it and the headaches would start. Dia could only leave the room when they left. No one really stayed over except of her mother’s parents, cousins and the occasional 50 pounds overweight aunty who always had her face in the refrigerator and inquired about her grades and skin tone every single visit. Girls were expected to stay indoors as much as possible. Always hidden but from what Dia could not always understand.

A few days after Dia turned 12 she had gotten her period. She read all about it on the internet and the librarian at school had lent her some books while explaining everything to her. Such topics were never discussed at home. It was a horrible experience. The bleeding, cramping, headaches and bouts of anger. All this because she was girl, every month for a very long time. 50 years perhaps. Her mother and grandmother smiled, when she told them. They took her out for lunch and bought her new clothes. She could no longer wear shorts or sleeveless tops anymore, even in the privacy of her own room. A brassiere had to go with everything now and long scarves and vests were a must. Along with this Dia had to follow other rules. She could not wash her hair on the first day of her period, she could not bathe in hot water. She could not paint her nails, have anything sour (pickles, lemonade) or make food for anyone because everything will spoil. She could not enter a place of worship or cradle baby because he/she might get sick. Dia thought all this was pointless and when she inquired about it, she got a smack to the face for questioning ancient rules and rituals and was told that this was how it was for every woman before her in the family. She earned a second smack when she asked who made the rules. Probably a man.

On her 14th birthday. Dia had gotten into a fight with one of her best friends. It was over something trivial. What to wear for a school event? Dia had settled for a saree and her friend settled on a gown. Dia was not fair but a little dusky. Her friends skin tone was like milk. The girl took great pride in that. She went as far as saying that Dia’s grey saree made her look like a crow. Dia was too upset to say anything in return, so she quickly walked home. She walked to her room and did not come out till the next day. Jasmine had noticed her daughter’s sour behavior and snappy remarks, so she asked what was wrong. Dia tearfully told her the truth. Her mom laughed and said that good friend’s squabble over anything and forget it 2 days later. Gave her money for ice cream and a movie and left for work. Her grandmother while doing the dishes told her that it was normal for girls for fight because women are competitive, they always want the best for themselves and have no problem belittling someone else to get it. Dia asked why, she got the usual response. “that’s how girls are” Dia through her grandma was being extra negative that day.

When Dia turned 18, she met a young man through one of her classes. She was studying health sciences and aspired to be a dentist when she was much older. Teeth always fascinated her since she was young. Her friend was a taller a bit older (21) and studying to be an Emergency Medical Technician. Dia and this boy had been friends for awhile now. He came from a good family and had no siblings. But she always thought him to be a friend. They studied together, hung around and had fun. He on the other hand started asking too many questions and took up a lot of her time. He was nice, positive and always made her laugh, but she had to let him know how she felt about him. She thought of speaking to her mom about this. Her father had heard everything instead. He sat beside her, listened to everything, and told her to wait for the boy to come to her and then break him the news gently. There was no need to talk to him first and cause a scene at the college campus. This would affect her studies and make her look her bad. This upset Dia in a major way. A woman was able to have feelings, but she could not voice them out? She could not take the first step in a relationship?  She mumbled her thanks and took a long shower that night, thinking everything over. The next day she approached her father again. He gave her a long look and said that if she broke things off with him first, he could go around spreading rumors or get her in trouble at school. No one likes a bold woman who always speaks her mind. She should just focus on her studies. Dia did not press him any further. She went on with her everyday life and lost him as a friend in a month’s time.

A week shy of her 21st birthday, Dia received an acceptance letter from a prestigious university. She was ecstatic and did cartwheels after reading the letter. Her parents had no qualms about her studying at a university that was far away from home or living in a hostel. She had matured into a young woman who they could trust and she had not made a faulty decision till now. Dia was not interested in parties, drinking, or staying overnight with friends. She was a good girl. However, they only let her go after letting her know that they would start looking for a boy once she graduated from her program. Dia said yes without thinking to much about this. Graduation was still 4 years away.

Dia went to complete university in less then 4 years time. She did not waste any time after graduation and enrolled into dental school. She had flunked only 1-2 courses during one semester. Her grandmother had died during one of them and her grades fell just slightly. This brought upon change in the Banerjee family. Her father had changed after his mom’s death. He was no longer in a rush to get Dia married and stopped working. He picked up a hobby and worked on that. Her mother took a break from teaching and now worked as a guidance counsellor for teens at a reputable high school.

During this time Dia was going steady with another dentistry student, with her parent’s permission. He was alright in most ways but sometimes pressured her to take their relationship to the next level. She always resisted and asked him to wait till they get married. Woman had to remain pure till they got married. If one’s purity is gone or lost it would bring great shame to the family and the couple. He said he he understood until one day he did not anymore. In a fit of rage, he let her know she belonged to him and he could do what he liked. They would be getting married soon so why did it matter. She resisted the urge to strike him and let him know that she belonged to no one but herself. He called her names before calling it quits. It hurt, but Dia knew that she would meet the right man sooner or later. Her parents did not say anything to her regarding this.

When Dia was 25 she did meet someone, he was a doctor and she went to become a dentist. They did not a have a grand wedding but a small private ceremony. They had paid for everything and Dia sent her parents on a much-needed vacation. Her husband, he did not pressure her to do anything she did not like. He grew up abroad and helped her in all the things that men did not normally do back home like cooking, cleaning, shopping because this was considered to be “ Woman’s work” and was “normal” This surprised her at first but amazed her later on. One night after too much wine and fun her husband went to bed.  Dia was still awake giddy from the wine and had other things on her mind. She gently woke her husband up. He was not pleased. “Let me sleep woman, its not the time to do anything and I have to get up early. He left it at that and was snoring in minutes.

She looked at him and frustration and wondered why it was normal and acceptable for men to satisfy their needs wherever and whenever possible, but a woman was always rebuked when she wanted something from her husband. She had certain needs and rights over him. She quickly undressed, slipped into a nighty, and went to sit in the balcony for a bit. The moon was out and the world was dead asleep.
Dia poured herself the last of the wine and thought about everything.

A woman always has two choices to fight or to follow the rules. Since birth woman are groomed into becoming a certain type of woman, once they get to that stage they are either married off or left to work and hop from one relationship to another. They were taught to be quiet, obedient, smart and always fully covered.

Why did a woman need to be covered at all times? Not just her body but her mind as well. She must keep mum about her wants, her needs, and desires. She always must think about the others and society before deciding on something. No one looks up to a woman who speaks her mind and focuses on herself. No one appreciates an independent woman. She must always be dependant on a male somebody (father, brother, husband, son). She must always do what she is told and taught because that is the way it is. That is how girls are.

This is all Dia grew up listening to. Who came up with the rules? Society. A society, where men dictated most things and told woman what they should and should not do. When a man will never understand what women go through or why they must handle and balance out so much. School, home, family, career. A woman always has to choose.

Everything comes down to a choice and she will forever have to sacrifice something or the other because it is the womanly thing to do. Men are never really questioned about their choices. They talk, they lead, and the women follow. That needs to change. People need to unlearn these age-old stereotypes. They hurt both the men and women. A man grows up but ends up lacking so much in terms of emotional intelligence and respect for the other gender. He grows without understanding what gender equality means and why it is needed.  A woman grows up but not without sacrifice, selflessness, and crippling obedience. She is seen as inferior, weak, or untamable if she does not do what she is told, asks too many questions and wants to better herself in some way or form.

A woman’s identity should not be made from excuses and lies.
336 · Jun 2015
Cant Take You home
Ana Habib Jun 2015
It's nearly 8
The wife wont mind If I go home late
Shes a good girl
But t not good enough--
I'll go where all the fellas go
To her
A woman tall and curvacious
Always dressed up
You gotta wait awhile before meeting her but its worth it
You can tell her anything and she'll never protest
Just sits in front of you and listens
With just one whiff of her perfume and shell make you forget all your problems
She has the power to take over your mind and lull you to sleep
But remember she's cold to the touch
When shes around its always fun and games
But then something hits you--
You glance at your watch and realize its getting real late and you should be heading home
where your pretty little wife and children are up and waiting for you
Suddenly its also time for her to leave
You feel angry and tense
You take one last look at her and sigh
Its no use you cannot take her home
Because you know she will create ruckus at home

Who is she?
325 · Jun 2015
Unwanted Guest
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I am conceived out of hatred, never out of love
Orphaned right from birth with no parents and siblings
My life altogether is very different from yours
So I spend my days alone
Always stuck in one place
with the shades drawn and always covered up
Unable to breath
You see, no likes the way I look
So when I step out, people always stare and questions get raised
Perhaps because I am a constant reminder of grief and pain
Fear not, I never stay in one place for too long
But don't miss me too much...
We will meet once again

Can you guess who I am?
323 · Aug 2019
Questions
Ana Habib Aug 2019
So many to ask
But I do not know where to begin
So I will start with the end
“Why did you leave”
306 · Jun 2015
Why?
Ana Habib Jun 2015
My mama always said that I was a beautiful baby with brown hair and curious blue eyes
Quiet and obedient as a little boy and studious as a young man in his teens
So different all the other boys in town
Who were always so rowdy filthy and drunk
So I asked her one say when she was busy with her embroidery
Mama is there something wrong with me?
Why am I so different from all the other boys.. In the world?
She looked at me with her blue eyes wide in shock and gave my left ear a great tweak
Why George! Your just perfect
You've got two eyes to see with two ears to hear with, ten fingers and toes to move around and explore with
I sighed... It was useless trying to explain anything to my dear mother
The truth was.. I hated being a boy
Having to cut my hair every couple of days when she wore hers Cosmo get she shoulders
Always stuck wearing dress shirts and pants around the house while got to wear pretty floral dresses and matching pointy shoes
Being told to always do better in school and keep busy by fixing old cars and junk around the house
Yet she was happy baking cakes and pastries,running errands and waiting for daddy to come home with flowers and chocolates
Worst of all, always being told that boys don't cry
But I'm in pain and always so miserable
So why is it so forbidden for me to cry
To shed just a tear or two?
290 · Nov 2018
Tired of being Sick
Ana Habib Nov 2018
This is not a regular cold
This is not that time of the month
There are no over the counter meds for this
No topical creams ointments or braces
This type of pain comes and goes
Sometimes it stays with me all day long
Becomes very intense at night when no one else is around
Or hits me unexpectedly and brings me to my knees
I forget to smile and grimace instead
I forget about small talk and find a place to hide instead
I don’t like the presence of others and prefer my own company
Parties and get togethers are a complete torture and all I can think about it getting back in my joggers and hide under the comfort of my purple comforter that smells like lavender and chamomile
I used to be surrounded by people once but now not so much
Writing and walking helps
Cleaning and baking too
But I run out of things to write and all the roads always must lead back to the house
Making messes and cleaning up mistakes wear me down now
I won’t go to my friends for this
And a friendly stranger does not seem like a good idea either
The symptoms are always the same but I still have not found the cure to this
I am tired of being sick.
284 · Jun 2015
Who Knew (Part 2)
Ana Habib Jun 2015
I haven’t hit home yet but least I’ve got a roof over my head
Food on the table
Clothes on my back
But it’s nothing like the days I’ve spent with you
The good days- even if there was only a few of them
Working beside you during the day and cozying up against at you night
The pleasure of waking up next you every morning and coming home to quality time, kissing and caressing
No I still haven’t forgotten
Yes I am away from you but I have no peace of mind
My appetite dies as I wonder if you have still eaten
My days turn grey even when the sun smiles down at me
My sleep fades away when I find myself thinking about you at the middle of the night
My skin goes cold when I remember the feel of your embrace
And my eyes flow with the tears that have never been shed
For all the days spent on our bitter fights
Time wasted on cruel words and accusations
The nights you came home staggering through the door reeking of cheap alcohol and cigarettes
All the nights that were wordlessly spent even though we lay next to each other in the same bed
The thoughts of you still torment me by the hour and keep me up at night
But the day after is the absolute worst
No kind words or coffee to wake up to
Only an empty house filled with our old trinkets, and faded memories
Every day I embark on the same quest… of finding my old self again
Trying to relive the days that I vaguely remember and bring out all the pleasures I’ve denied my self
Some days result in triumph but most nights end is tears and despair
It is not my spirit that’s broken but my heart
My aching heart!
that still cannot seem to forget you
but beats with the hope that you will one day come back as a changed man
253 · Jul 2019
SENT
Ana Habib Jul 2019
SENT

What happened all of us sudden
You would talk to me daily
Now your too busy
Should have just said something
I would have understood
Now your never around
Online and Offline
Too busy for chats
Too busy for text messages
Too busy for emails
Too busy for letters
Too busy for parcels
Too busy for take out
Everything comes back intact, unopened, unmarked and unread
Your too busy
For me
For us
I will surely find away to send you back my hurt feelings
Unfulfilled wishes
Broken dreams
Scattered thoughts
All the words that should have been said between You and I
But you never had time for it
I knocked, typed, texted. emailed and wrote
Sent you all that I had
Until it was unappreciated, unwanted and disregarded
You are not worth it anymore
251 · Mar 2018
All in my mind
Ana Habib Mar 2018
Ever wonder what the inside of a persons mind is like?
I mean its where you keep all of your desires hidden from the outside world of backstabbers and hypocrites
It is where your ambitions lie
It is where your secrets stay buried
It is often filled to the brim of all the words and thoughts you sometimes cannot express in public
on paper with the help of a pen or keyboard
It was what your tongue and lips may fail to deliver
It is filled with file cabinets of all the good and bad deeds you have accomplished till now
Every Christmas list and birthday wish list is hidden somewhere in there too
Every ounce of knowledge you have gained with the help of your friends family, idols and enemies gets transferred into paper thin pages and later turned into books
one for each day of the year
You ideas and innovations keep the place lit
and the air always smells faintly of expresso
yes all that caffeine has finally gone to your brain
The mini fridge is full of you guessed it- Brainfood
There is so much more I can tell you but that is all the time I have got
I am listening to Mozart
I hear its good for the brain
250 · Jan 2018
Home Maker
Ana Habib Jan 2018
It has been exactly one year since you have brought me into this house
Carried me over the threshold and step further
I have turned to this house into a fine home
Looked after your parents like they are my very own
Treasured your sister like the one I never had
I smiled every time you went for work and left me cooped up in the house
I gave it no thought every time you came home and plopped yourself right in front of the TV
I kept quiet when you waved at me from your office because there was always something or someone that always needed your attention
I went about my way every time you asked for the bottle, and never for me
I closed my eyes when you creeped into bed at 2 am in the morning thinking that I would not hear anything
But i must say I am tired now
Tired of keeping appearances and pretending to be happy
When really, every part of me wants to lash out
Smash the fine china to decorate the floors
Paint the walls with your imported poison
And make curtains out your clothes
Acknowledge me while I am still here
Look at me when I sit across you
Embrace me—
“thud” there goes the door
248 · Sep 2019
Sin
Ana Habib Sep 2019
Sin
Has never looked so good
or tasted so sweet
I just wish I knew her name
246 · Jan 2017
Fix Me!
Ana Habib Jan 2017
Doctor, doctor I think I might be sick
What ails you dear madam?
Well It is like this…
My checks get warm
I being to feel queasy from the inside
My vision blurs and head starts to spin
My knees go weak
I cannot digest my food not even mothers famous lasagna!
I feel as if time is passes by  and very slowly
A minute feels like eternity
It keeps me up most nights and I find myself smiling for no apparent reason even in my sleep imagine that!
I hum when running errands and sing if no one is looking
What could be this be? I have been feeling this way for weeks now
The doctor looks up from his desk and gives his great big mustache a tweak
You have been… bitten by the love bug
A tiny thing, almost impossible to see
It is to be expected at least once in a person’s life time
I was 23 myself
So what should I do?
He smiles, but a sad one.. I am afraid there is no cure
235 · Jul 2019
Confession
Ana Habib Jul 2019
I was hoping I could forget you
Because it was the easiest thing to do
As i became busy with school and work
Met new people and forged better relationships
Met Mr Right but no he turned out to be A mix of Jekle and Hyde
It hurt but I grew from it
Burned old memories and continued on
Hopeful of better things and fully motivated to do kick ****
Except I really didnt
I was busy for sure but you invaded my thoughts
I got to thinking
You made mistakes and so did I
I pushed you away because i thought I deserved a whole lot better
Except I was blind to see that you had almost all the qualities i had been secretly looking for in a man
The rest would have been mended with patience guidance and a blind eye
Except I couldnt wait any longer even though we had spend 4 years together already
I nagged critisized, praised some but usually lost my patience with you
Some days were great
Just the two us, great food, music that would be soon be forgetten, and questionable weather
Until that just didnt do it anymore
I seriously began to question your ambitions and the future
You always said you were unsure of what to do
You were great at other things though
Cooking and tidying up was second nature
Your pictures always captured what the rest of the world couldnt see
Your writting could make the crankiest man feel something
You were always there to help me with work and assignments
In short helping me achieve my goals
You never short on encouragement and motivation
I miss it now
You stayed up all night with me whenever I felt rejected by world
Always went out of the way to make me feel special when i felt ugly
Loved when I felt worthless
Calm when i felt like tearing things apart
I miss it now
You never stopped sending me little tokens of care and appreciation when my body could not keep up with what life threw at me
Made me feel better when I withdrew into myself and couldnt leave the bed
Made my life easier in about 50 different ways
Thats when I knew you really felt something for me
But i was afraid to call it love
I wish i could I have appreciated all of that just a little more
I realize now that I was usually in the red
You constantly put up with my ugly side
The continuous nagging, and critism in all that I did
You bared it
The cripping self doubt i had about myself
You bared it
The draining negativity that would sometimes fly from my lips
You bared it
All that that couldnt have been easy to deal with
But you did not complain very much being only a few years older then me and far away from your own family
You were always so quiet around me but never completely lost your cool
I dont remember you screaming or raising a hand
I am sorry for all the times I physically pushed you away
I wanted to be alone and sometimes I just didnt know how to say no
I am sorry that I was demanding, at times needly and plain disrespectful through speech
My anger was alway red hot but you found a way to turn it off with a chuckle, joke or distraction
The tv helped
But I never thanked you enough for it
Didn't show you enough gratitude because I was always busy
Busy planning, conquering, and then finally loosing
It all came crashing down
I am sorry for that
You cried but I didn't feel much until it was all over
I was always looking for much better, only to end up with barely enough
I don't know where you are right now and its ok that you stopped keeping contact with me
Most people wouldn't want to speak to a terrible woman
You were the first to realize it
I wish I had seen it in time
I have change a lot since that day
But I would not be lying if I said now that I sometimes wish he was you
217 · Jul 2019
ScRiBbLeS
Ana Habib Jul 2019
dOn’t FeEl LiKe WrItInG tOnIgHt
I pReFeR sCrIbBlEs To WoRdS
ThEy ReQuIrE lEsS wOrK
eVeN lEsS tHoUgHt
ZeRo HeArTbReAk
214 · Apr 2018
Lifeline
Ana Habib Apr 2018
Lifeline

He is blessed with all that his parents have provided him with
He did all that he could as the eldest son in the family
But life began when he met her…
She came into his life at ‘92
March 7th 1992 to be exact
It was all arranged
The elders knew best and the rest was up to them
He though she looked great draped in her fuchsia saree and green eye shadow
Maybe just a little on the thin side though
The wedding so no special affair
But he knew that he had married a special girl and he was the lucky one
She smiled all the time no matter what the weather was like outside
She always did what as asked of her and much more
She was a team player but quickly won all the hearts in the household
She was quiet and tad shy but always praise-worthy
She worked tirelessly
Cooked passionately
Love unconditionally
She faced many hardships till now
But did not let her patience waver one bit
Or let time erase any of the hope stored in her heart
For a better future
A brighter tomorrow
Away form unnecessary comparisons between other wives, back biting, complaints and exaggeration
Despite all that she never wiped the smile off her face
As months turned to years it got smaller but never completely faded away
She worked hard at creating a perfect house
Perfecting her cooking and artistic skills
Keeping the peace among other family members
While achieving all of that she also taught him a few things down the road
She taught him how to hold on to his temper when he was about to loose his cool
She taught him how to hold on to his patience when he become anxious and started talking *******.
She taught him how to hold hos tongue and swallow his pride
She taught him when to take a step back and when to stop talking
He still has not learnt that one yet!
She paid heed to his words whenever there was no one else to listen to him
She stood beside him when he was lost
He hated asking for directions
Together they spent 25 years together and I hope they get another 50 more
I am not sure how it all passed by
Mom kept it all together
But the house is empty now
Looking neglected and shabby without her touch
The food tastes bland
My father cannot sleep
His cycles have become broken and interrupted
My siblings hide themselves in the comfort of their rooms
Keep busy with school and work
But a locked door is not strong enough to block out the sounds of their muffled cries
We all hope and we all pray
But there is no telling when she will walk through that door and bring life into this house
Please come back soon Mom!
213 · Feb 2018
3 days
Ana Habib Feb 2018
I know life goes on and time waits for no one
The moment we are up there is something that needs to be done and sometimes even re-done.
Now what if all that was to come to a halt one day?
Your usual check-up with the family physician turned into something dreary?
He does not welcome you with his usual smile but frowns at you instead
Looks over at the small sheets of papers in his hands and quickly leaves the room
To have an elderly nurse come in and all tell you that your time is short
You have only 3 days on earth
Today is Friday and you expire on a Sunday
The day of rest…
The long lasting feelings of fatigue
Your fine hair thinning out
Hunger, no longer an issue
Thinking that it just stress and sleepless nights responsible for your horrid state.
Your mouth isn’t working but hands reach your eyes and to your surprise there are no tears
You don’t have time for that either
On your home you think about what you will tell the mother who looks forward to seeing your face first thing in the morning
The father who patiently waits for you to take over the family business so that he could stretch his legs
The baby sister who expects you at her wedding dressed in your finest
And the sweet man who promised you that sleeping alone will soon be a thing of the past
What about your dream?
That child like wish you held on to for years to become a superhero wearing a stethoscope and handing lollies to all the sick children left and right
Suddenly the path to your house, the same one you grew up in is over
And the heavy oak door opens up
To let out frenzy of noise complete with laughing children and talkative adults
Bessie the friendly black Labrador is there too
You look to the sky and sigh “I guess this can wait till after the party”
197 · Apr 2018
Textbook Kinda Guy
Ana Habib Apr 2018
Have you heard of them?
Or seen one with your own eyes
I may have found one
During a stroll
He was talking to some one over the phone
When he caught my eye
He stood tall at 5’11
Slim almost lanky
Well dressed
With shiny clear skin
Green eyes, that reminded me of starfruit
Blue-ish black eyes
Pleasant features
He loves to talk
Never has an unkind word to say about anyone
He does not drink
He does not smoke
He does not look at other woman
He does not curse
He does not raise his voice until he is severely provoked
He never shouts
He is very agreeable at times
And then there are night where his stubbornness does not let him sleep
He is very organized
He is very punctual
He cooks like an angel
The children always run to him
He is not afraid to lend a hand
Does not say no to house work
He is friendly so everyone in the neighbourhood love him
He is quiet but never moody
He is thoughtful but needs a lesson or two in romance
He is obedient but needs help with passion
He is practical but unable to be optimistic
He respects all the elder
Calls his mother daily
Loves his grandma
Has sense of humour but it comes at the worst moments

The world agrees that he a good man
One-of-a-kind
Mom says he is perfect
Dad is beaming with pride
But my heart
It feels nothing
190 · Nov 2020
Stuck and nowhere to go
Ana Habib Nov 2020
he counts the money
I count calories
he dresses up like he always has a board meeting to attend
you can usually find me in pastel coloured tees and black tights
he eats like he is on a diet
I eat like I just broke up
He leafs through big old dusty encyclopedia's
I have my nose in one of his mothers many cookbooks
he drinks spritzers and tonic
I have the weirdest craving for Smirnoff
he sits in his lazyboy and flips through the news and sports channel
all I have been watching a lot of is Gordon Ramsey
he lost a deal
I lost my recipe cards
188 · Jul 2016
Untitled
Ana Habib Jul 2016
It has been so long since I have heard your voice
A little raspy maybe but very unique
It sounded worse than thunder every time we fought, for reasons I can no longer remember
Just tearing throughout the house and bouncing from one wall to another
Although more soothing than any lullaby I have ever heard when night time came with my head on your chest and arms around one another
Now it seems like I am never warm enough no matter how many blankets I surround myself with
This house is much too big for just one person and the silence is deafening
The walls are still painted that shade of green you liked so much because you wanted to bring Mother Nature inside
But the walls are void of memories
Memories of you,
Of us,
Yet is feels likes this is enough to make me suffocate
The walls just seem to close in on me now
And that smell... it lingers
A musky spicy scent
It wafts by during the day even when all the windows are closed
And creeps into my bedroom like an uninvited stranger during the night
The smell so overpowering, it erases all traces of sleep from my weary eyes
And leaves my body aching all over
But I emerge only to find an empty room and a picture that never answers back
As my cries of anguish go unanswered night after night
Our days had been numbered and my happiness always short lived
I could not live with you then
And I cannot live without you now
So I stay busy just to make time go by
But a feeling of emptiness has settled in
It grows heavy day by day
How long before it seeps the life out of me?
178 · Aug 2019
Red
Ana Habib Aug 2019
Red
Nice Dress
Nice Tie
I just hope this works out
Tonight
176 · Nov 2020
Skin
Ana Habib Nov 2020
hers smells like flowers
his smells like rain
baby soft
porcelain
pink
scared
bruised
tanned
so much is used
so much is needed
a 100 things to buy
to make it look perfect
to win people over
to make it to the top
to survive at work
to pay for the bills
for the next fix
too much exposure
that is a problem
rough night
find the right shade for cover up
covered up entirely?
Everyone wants to know why
By choice
Because of a trend
To be safe
No one is happy still
Airbrushed
Paint
Glitter
All aesthetically pleasing to the eye
Bare
when no one is watching
When there is nothing to suspect
No supervision
Suddenly stained
But no way to hide it
The stains stay
No one is spared
172 · Apr 2019
From the distance
Ana Habib Apr 2019
Hey
its no secret that I am the crazy type
working hard for what I want
I listen to...well nobody
go for the ****
Don't know what happened that night
You came in out of no where
all that noise
the bright lights
same old crowd but new drinks
there you were
dressed to impress with you mini entourage of one time gals
draped in expensive furs, sparkle and nursing something or the other in their bony hands
I know, first impressions are important
but I just didn't get the memo
working behind the scenes
clipboard in hand and tapping about all over the place
sipping on something that tastes like nothing but taking you in
The fire engine mini was not my idea
but I knew you wanted me right there, right then
Heck I know all about you too
net worth close to 45 billion
single but always ready to play
imported side pieces all over the place
stolen kisses, scented handkerchiefs and purple skin
that what your really about
Don't worry, I wont tell
huge tips, sweet nothings and fake smiles
I am not on sale though
So you can tell tom, ****, and harry to back off and not waste my time
trying to get my number
although... they would look good standing right outside my door
I know you wanna talk
you keep on taking these half steps and you cant dance for nothing
I don't bite but I am looking for something to nibble on
my shift ends in 10
not in the mood for smelly cheese and red drinks
salmon and caviar wont cut it either
I want something more...
171 · Aug 2019
The Simple Solution
Ana Habib Aug 2019
I cannot sympathize with you
I used to respect you
you've torn that into shreds over the years
I still care
I do what I can even if it doesn't feel like much on some days
I am doing what I can to be normal when all I feel is dysfunctional
What do you feel
I cannot say
I cannot read you like my favorite song anymore
You stare at me but what do you see
You've become mute to the language of tears
My anger and frustration
It bubbles up, it simmers down and you think that's all there is to me
You have become indifferent to my pain
It stays tucked away in my chest and refuses to leave my eyes
You shrug
you stare at the sky
you sigh
"If you cant accept me for me then leave"
Instead of working this out you've put up your hands up in the air
It is easy to pack up and leave
its convenient for you
But I wonder if you have felt anything towards me before this day
Was it all for show?
Was anything genuine between us?
I will never know
163 · Jul 2018
Just The Two of Us
Ana Habib Jul 2018
Why has he brought me here
Can a night away from petty problems, bills and harsh words, really fix this dead relationship
The dress is lovely and that ring looks expensive
but I prefer to stay home and tend to my wounds
Massive migraine
Puffy lips
Bruised eyes
Will it be the The Pearl Or The mark this time?
Ground floor or the 5th?
Satin or silk?
Chocolates or champagne?
Will he carry me to bed and tell me that he's sorry?
Hold me tight?
Make the same promises again?
To not yell at me
Use me
Hurt me
Neglect me
Leave me
162 · Mar 2018
Please
Ana Habib Mar 2018
Caress Me
Tease Me
Hold Me
Love Me
Ask Me
Teach Me
Help Me
Comfort Me
Carry Me
Acknowledge Me
Surprise Me
Wish Me
Tell Me
Treat Me
Surprise Me
Invite Me
Encourage Me
Welcome Me
Support Me
Visit Me
Just...
Don't Leave Me
158 · Mar 2018
Anklets
Ana Habib Mar 2018
My favorite instrument has gone missing
A tinkling sound that has reached the hearts of many around the world
I cannot tell you how I lost it
I was dancing amongst the others
Dressed up in bright colors
Bangles clinking
Handmade garba sticks in hand

Have you seen them anywhere?
158 · Dec 2019
Not Tonight
Ana Habib Dec 2019
I don’t know how I feel about you
Even though I can see your eyes pleading me to say the magic words
“ Its ok”
“ I forgive you”
“ I don’t mind at all”
Well not tonight
I would normally feel weird if I don’t talk to you for a long time
But not tonight
You take step towards forward
I can smell the flowers from here but I will probably just give them away to the nice woman a few apartments away from ours
A smiley faced nurse with a veteran husband
She will probably appreciate the pink peonies and purple bellflowers more then me
You smell nice and it looks like you ironed your own things
Well I refuse to budge
I don’t really want to go upstairs put on spandex and sit through a miserable meal of cheese fondue, creamed spinach, beef roulade and potatoes and pie a la mode
Watch with disinterest as you charmed your friends wife
Endure a long ride in the quiet woods
swat off your clumsy attempts at making up
step out of pointy
wipe off fakery and put up with heartburn and gas for the entire night
Nope
So here are your keys and there's the door
Now into the kitchen for creamy chocolate profiteroles and pink bubbles
153 · Mar 2018
Clover
Ana Habib Mar 2018
Grey fur
Green eyes
Four paws
Adorable meow
Mischievous to the bone
Best friend for life
149 · Apr 2018
Model Material
Ana Habib Apr 2018
Model Material
5'6
Slim
blue-grey eyes
silver hair
yes its natural
turn to the left
turn to the right
curtsy
walk for me and smile with your eyes
do not wave
No room for mistakes
cover up that beauty spot,, yes the one right next to your lip
cute, but not what i am looking for
strut
stand next to the wall and
careful not to trip
hike up that skirt
and try these on for size
I wouldn't do that if I were you!
say no to coffee, wine and carbs
Bring your feet close together
tuck that in!
Push that out!

they are look so poised,
glorious in their million dollar get ups
But I just think it all sounds so painful
149 · Jul 2018
Changes
Ana Habib Jul 2018
Is this really happening?
pinch me?
Ouch
**** that did not help
He is just smiling into the distance
He goes to work whistling
He does his chores half-heartedly
He is finally paying attention to his physique
after 10 years
Slim fit only
His hair is in a new style
mmm what is that I smell
Allure from Chanel?
No more hanging with the boys
playing poker
sitting in front of the TV binging on horror shows
Works Overtime
I think i just saw him buy a new cellphone
Missed calls
Weekend Trips
Candy hearts and vanilla almonds
Blue Swarovski box
Is this all for me?
147 · Dec 2019
Progress
Ana Habib Dec 2019
The day was a good one
The sun was out
The cold didn’t bother me one bit
No one got in the way
I didn’t flinch at the sight of two people talking
Talking about dreams and no doubt planning a future together
He had his hands in hers
Looked at her so intently
I almost choked up at the sight
I forgot what I was thinking about
It made me long for you
There was a time when you looked me that way
Under the stars
In the company of crickets and fireflies
We talked
We pouted and fought
We laughed
We always looked forward tomorrow
Until they ran out
The stars are still there
The crickets come out
But the fireflies left a long time ago
147 · Oct 2018
Missed Call
Ana Habib Oct 2018
I forget the date
the time even
but it was raining outside
I had no umbrella
my hair had gone limp and
the the blood red pant suit I had on weighed a ton
the buildings looked bigger and more intimidating the usual
I paid no attention to the people
they were passing by in a faceless blur
I paid no attention to the phone either
I did not hear it ring under a mountain of paper make up and scrambled thughts
the phone battery had betrayed me as well
I didnt know what I was so busy with that day but I felt this intense need to just make it home
or else it would be too late!
But I could not make it in time,
My feet did not carry me home fast enough though
I stood there, and watched
didn't scream
didn't react
didn't feel
when a man wheeled you out of the house in a black body bag
144 · Apr 2018
Tired
Ana Habib Apr 2018
How are you feeling today he asks
Tired I answer back without moving a muscle

Tired of being stuck in one place
Tired of going to school and unsure of what comes next
Tired of staying married to a man who is always busy
With what?
Not sure
But always busy
Tired of carrying forth a dead relationship
Tired of cleaning a house that will get messy the next day
Tired of his mom, she will be leaving soon but I just want to be alone
Tired of wondering what my future holds is it bright or endlessly dark
Tired of attempting to smile when all I want is to stay in bed
Tired of drinking coffee, cup after cup to mask the obvious signs of fatigue in my face and body
Tired of rubbing my eyes and just hanging on

Uh that’s nice he responds staring down at his phone with his mind millions of miles away from here
From me
143 · Apr 2018
The perfect vacation
Ana Habib Apr 2018
I think I am need of a vacation
Maybe for a week
It would be 3 if it were up to me
I want to spend my time in the sun
There should be no rain or snow in sight
I want there to be lots of smooth white sand my feet can dive into
People should be sparse
I want to be surrounded by water
A celestial blue I can see myself in
I want to shed out of my heavy clothing and wear breezy colourful ones instead
Kick of my runners and slip into soft leather
I want there to be trees and local produce
I want to wake up to fresh fruit, seafood and fresh flowers
A bonus if they are edible
Ditch this phone for soft clay or intricate looking beads
Be free of heavy luggage and carry around a satchel with beaded straps
I want to be away from the computers, the fax machines and memos
Spend all that time roaming and sketching what I see along the way
I want to mediate next to the sea or sitting down in a hammock
I want to get rid of restaurant quality food and catch my own supper or make breakfast during sunrise
I want to get rid of my assignments and take part in bonfires, singing, and dancing
Go home to a house made from wood which holds only the necessities like a bed, table, chest of drawers, and a shower
I want to stay up at night stare into the sky and jot down poetry
I want to meet a man who will bring me gifts tucked inside a shell
One who will never leave my mind
Our eyes will flirt
Our hands will talk
And our bodies will clash
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