Is it just another episode of stress induced fatigue
Is it jet lag
Can this be the beginning of another cold or the flu
I hear that everyone is getting sick now
I do not look my best
I certainly feel even worse
It is not laziness because I would get annoyed of feeling that after some time
This feels different
I don’t actually want to do anything
I am perfectly fine of just remaining still right now
I do not want to anyone near me
I do want to hear voices
Right next to me
Or from a distance
I feel weird
Tired almost but I know I wont be sleeping
Anxious but still at the same time
Quiet but my mind is racing
My thoughts continue to crash with one another
My throat feels dry
There is so much that needs to be said
But I cant find the effort or the strength to talk right now
Maybe all I need is a good cry
But even that’s not happening
The day passed by in a blur but I know that night wont be so merciful

You never showed up and never bothered telling me why either
yes we are busy you more so then I but that's no reason to suddenly ghost me
It was raining and I had no umbrella
it got cold but I wore my very best
This meant something to me so I waited
For hours on end
I was not sure what would happen the moment I saw you
what we would talk about and if there would any awkward moments between us
But I still waited
Isn't it easy how quickly someone can wipe the smile of our face?
Turn hope into disappointment?
Anger into annoyance which spills onto the next day?
I am not sure if I am over-reacting here but that one's one me
I always thought you were special

Wherever I go, and whatever I end up reading late at night always talk about a restful night of sleep
In order to
find yourself
feel better
overcome depression
be more productive
become rich
feel satisfied overall
Sleep plays a big role in this
But I am so behind
It seems like I have all the problems
Feeling lost
Depressed
Sluggish and unproductive
Poor and trapped
Pills don’t do the trick
Decorative pillows, comforters and imported sheets just take up space
White noise machines, rain and thunder as well as bubbles the cat have all failed
A new ambiance with the perfect shades, proper lighting and essential oils have already done its job
Sleeping masks and silken nightwear has been added to the list
Teddies and sleep inducing pillows just lie on the floor now
Your far away and never coming back

Where did I go wrong?

Not over You

I am going to be completely honest with my self right now
I never got over you
The timing was terrible
We were clearly young and dumb
I didn’t want to let you go, ever  
I had to go because I no longer had a place
My mind was scrambled and I didn’t know who or what to believe
But I loved you with all that I had even if it was not enough

Our first meeting, I will always be happy it took place
It taught a lot about myself
What I deserve
What I don’t need in my life
It showed me that I was capable of loving someone in many different ways
It brought me out of my shell
It showed me what true love is all about
It gave me patience
It boosted my confidence
It taught me plenty about sacrifice and compromise
It taught me how to go with the flow of things and that some events don’t go as planned
The unplanned outings and moments are worth cherishing
It taught me how to care for another
How to nurture their spirit
How to stand by him/her
Hold hands and share secrets and walk the same path
It helped me grow up and ask for exactly what I deserve and nothing less

I am sorry for how things ended
I am sorry for all the damage that we both suffered because of our own mistakes, mistrust and change in heart
I am sorry for breaking you when I loved you the most and vowed to never leave your side
I will not forget and I do not know how much to forgive
But forgive yourself
Forgive me,

Yes, I am better person because of you but I am still not over you

I am getting tired of these mini heart attacks
I know I forget
But this is becoming ridiculous
I loose it when I least expect it
On an important day
Or in really bad weather
But definatly on a monthly basis
I do too many things at once
That wont change
But I don’t know how I loose sight of it so quickly
Its incased in a cherry red mess
With a super bright screen saver
Password protected
Comes with its on magnet, power bank and dock
But I still manage to forget where I last put
Or saw it
I instantly forget the rushing feeling of panic
The dread and the grief
Scold myself a billion and one times for having such a lousy memory
Not being able to stay put
But this gets on my nerves
Its scary to think how dependant I have become
How much of my life depends on just 10 little digits

I have tried your phone multiple times already
Sends me straight to voicemail
Sorry but I cant come to the phone right now too busy saving the world
It makes me laugh every time but then all I am left with worry and stress
The sky is getting darker and rain is the only music I can hear right now
The buildings stand tall with hundreds of busybodies
Most of the lights are still on
Some go home at 5
Others stay the night
Many choose to forget their worldly problems, so they invite trouble
Give her a key and wads of cash in all the colours of the rainbow
Skip the small talk and slip off the dress
Close the blinds and put on the blindfold
Grab her by the hair and work that mouth
Give her something to work on
Again, again and again
Until he is the one feeling alright
She will be wiping off the lipstick
Careful not to get any on his clothes
I will try you phone again
One last time
Sorry but I cant –

I don’t know how I feel about you
Even though I can see your eyes pleading me to say the magic words
“ Its ok”
“ I forgive you”
“ I don’t mind at all”
Well not tonight
I would normally feel weird if I don’t talk to you for a long time
But not tonight
You take step towards forward
I can smell the flowers from here but I will probably just give them away to the nice woman a few apartments away from ours
A smiley faced nurse with a veteran husband
She will probably appreciate the pink peonies and purple bellflowers more then me
You smell nice and it looks like you ironed your own things
Well I refuse to budge
I don’t really want to go upstairs put on spandex and sit through a miserable meal of cheese fondue, creamed spinach, beef roulade and potatoes and pie a la mode
Watch with disinterest as you charmed your friends wife
Endure a long ride in the quiet woods
swat off your clumsy attempts at making up
step out of pointy
wipe off fakery and put up with heartburn and gas for the entire night
Nope
So here are your keys and there's the door
Now into the kitchen for creamy chocolate profiteroles and pink bubbles

Look at the way she is looking at him
there is love, trust and longing there
Even though this is a public place buzzing with people and noisy waiters and waitresses
They are sitting across each other in a dimly lit area near the window
he says something and reaches for her hands
Even though there are people around and the children are very fussy
He laughs about something and reaches over to remove a speak of lint or paper out of her long strawberry colored locks even though the customer next to him is eyeing him like a piece of candy
She bats his hand away and picks up the menu while caressing his feet under the table
An older woman gasps but quickly covers her mouth with a wine coloured napkin
A young burly looking waiter with a mustache comes to their table and places two silver color platefuls of food
She dines on seafood and he stabs at the hunk of beef on his plate
She plays with the food before feeding him a morsel
Even though a set of twin children giggle away and mimic the young couples actions
The two carry on talking and laughing like tomorrow does not matter
Right until closing time
They polish off an entire bottle off red wine and three+ plates worth of dessert
Still no one said anything and they did not take notice of the people who threw them rude stares or mumbled under their breath
all because these two decided to dine in their pyjama's and white and grey skunk slippers tonight

Its been close to 30 days I think but I don't feel like I have changed very much
I have moved out of our lavish home and into something more modest with just two bedrooms
One filled with books, letters, and unopened memories
I don't trust myself with those yet
Your clothes, cologne, and everything in between has been locked up in storage
the walls are no longer stare back at me
I can see you from everywhere
You smile at me from the kitchen when I am standing before the stove with my black hair all disheveled in my mismatched house slippers
You always remain deep in thought in the study room whenever I go in to pen out letters or thank you notes
Maybe it hurts even less now when the day is over
I cant say, I no longer sit still in front of the tv lost in other peoples daily squabbles and superficial relationships
I don't waste any time thinking about 2018 or the first time we met
but yes I do feel bad... only for 5 minutes though!
I don't think i'm going to be dating any time soon but I am open to new faces
Marriage is not in the cards but I don't mind being a bridesmaid again
Anniversaries are tough, but I just go on a much needed holiday
I haven't given up on what you loved the most
I still write late into the night till my fingers hurt
I still bake year round till the house smells like gingersnaps and chocolate
the piano gets a check up twice a year on our birthdays 6 months apart
there's still me
I haven't given up yet

One Last Trip
The weather must have been really bright when you left home
I just wished you were feeling the same
Your friends must have been really happy with no worries for the day
I just wish you were feeling the same
The beach must have looked really beautiful
Peaceful
I wish you felt the same way
The sand super smooth
The air clear
The water extra blue
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
You should have reached out
Instead of living a lie
You all must have dined on fresh seafood, flatbread, mashed foods and coconut water
Your favourites
I just wish I knew what you were thinking
Your friends must have walked along paths taking turns telling stores
While you tagged along pretending to be OK and telling no one about your pain
I still wish I knew what you were thinking
Life at home was unbearable I imagine
Minus the pandemic
Your wife kept you on your toes
Your children kept you busy
But as soon as the food water and medication ran out
Your worries and frustration ran high
You still never said anything over the phone
Through the screen
I went along with it
Your thought of everyone
You spared us all from worry and sandiness
But really all I feel now is pain
A deep ache in the shape of a huge hole
Its eating its way right through the heart
I don’t know how far this will go

Well this is something
The lights are quite bright but they don’t hurt my eyes
I don’t think any one here can tell that I have been crying over you
I decided on bangs
A Maroon cocktail dress
silver heels
Left my phone at home and skipped the clutch
Just wearing a smile
I hope there is some life left in my eyes
Who is there to call now?
No one there to welcome me home after a cold night
The food is agreeable
At least my friends look happy
Talking
Laughing
Cozying up to smiling strangers
Non threatening strangers
I want to sit down
But I am afraid ill have to start talking again
Fake interest in who knows what
No I think I am ok here
Sitting by fire
With the cat by my feet
The fire isn’t hot enough to thaw out my heart tonight
But I can always strike up a conversation with the cabbie on the way home

What is the secret to finding the balance between school and marital life?
Trading in your books, and schedule for a white dress and bouquet
Throwing caution to a possibly bright future and bending to all his wants and needs
Making room for babies and china instead of hour long lectures and lab reports
I am unable to find a balance between the two
Do I carry breakfast in one hand and a calculator in the other
Do I keep a spatula handy as well as a pencil tucked behind my ear
Do I stay up to look after a sick partner when everyone is asleep or spend that time to study for an upcoming test
Do I opt for a morning smoothie or a morning coffee because I missed the 6’o clock alarm
Do I sit there and take the time to memorize a three page essay or all of his favorite meals in alphabetical order
Do write out of 750 essay or write out shopping list and invoices
Do I paste fake smile and twinkle in the eye and wear that all day long even though I am boiling mad underneath
Do I babysit my mother-in-law 6 days a week or spend time catching up on last weeks homework
Do I sweep, clean and do laundry for the next two hours as well as I agonize over a test I have not yet studied for
Do I climb into bed with him at a reasonable hour or spend the next 8 hours on late night assignments till early in the morning
How do I find the balance in all this?
What do I do first and leave for last?
I am ready to throw in the towel as well as my favorite ball point pen!

The room is a mess
The lightbulb needs to be changed
I also dropped his favorite bottle of cologne earlier
I guess its appropriate for the occasion
Something to remember him by
I just know I cant stay here anymore
“You are leaving because you deserve better” the voice in my head shrieks
How does one pack away five years of her life in one worn out leather case?
The tickets and passes stare back at me
What do I take and leave?
Diary….clothes… Shoes…jerky..energy drinks…
What about the dried up rose from our wedding night?
Thin stack of letters we wrote to each other long before Facebook and messenger got in the way?
There is space for that!
I throw in paperwork that documents that peter has given up his powder addiction
Information on all the court mandated anger management classes that he has been attending behind my back
He is getting better.. Just like he promised..
“But he will hurt you again” she says mockingly
I Can’t throw out the ring or chain I am wearing
“Sell it! She whispers.. You’ll be needing the money…”
“Sell his watches, baseball cards, and all the glittery crap in the room she continues
Take the key and the secret stash behind the bed”
I hurriedly packed everything
My fingers tremble just slightly
“Your doing the right thing” she croons in my head
My eyes burn
There is no time wipe away the tears
He will be here soon…

She has that look in her eyes again
Its not a happy look
Its not like anything I have ever seen to be honest
She looks like she has given up on life
She looks at everything but no one has ever heard her speak
She is thin practically boney
Her hair is way too long
Her clothes short and shabby
Her fingers always shake
Almost never eats
I don’t know how long she was has been here for
I want to know more about her
I can tell she used to be really pretty
I know everyone else talks about her
In whispers
With stares and laughs
But I am too afraid to say hi
She just looks like she needs a friend
This place can get really lonely
And loneliness is a killer

What comes to mind, when some one cries out "poison"
Cleopatra's bejeweled goblet filled with an red elixir
Snow whites Poisonous red apple
cookies laced with white powder
It is hard to say and even harder to see,
But something so beautiful
could often have a guy running the other way
But I find myself running towards it
I don't fancy shiny red apples or drink
Its her lips I am after
sometimes red, or pink
natural, lined or glossy
luscious and pouty
I cannot say which one I prefer the most
but I stare at them more often then I would like to admit
Spewing out big words brought on my anger and confusion
spreading sweet nothings dipped in honey
empty promises, witty one liners
They have no effect on me
But I do wonder what it would be like to have them pressed against my own
at the most unexpected moment
away from peoples lingering stares
I imagine it to be the type of kiss that will sent my heart soaring
awaken me from my slumber
fix my horrible posture
and give me the courage to confess my love to her

He looks happy
his eyes smile
his cheeks are puffed out
and his thin lips form the biggest grin
He has an arm around her
Silky black hair till the navel
fair skin
slim nose
kohl lined eyes
pink stained lips
she looks innocent
in love?
content?
Trees surround the young couple
the sky painted is blue
the sun shines down on them
"click"
goes the camera
as well as my heart

She has always hated taking pictures
says that she is not pretty enough for them
they don't come out right
I roll eyes
If only she saw what the rest of the world sees
I wish she would see all the things that I see and love

Perfectly naturally curled tresses touching her cheeks
glossed lips
and a smile full of peace and serenity

Exited smile, sparkling eyes
tendrils of reddish brown hair escaping from bun at the top of her head right after she has completed one of her 1 km runs

Messy bed head, bare skin and the sprinkle of freckles across of her nose and shoulders,
Who needs make up when you have all that?

Slick red hair, dangerous cat eyes, red lips
and stretchy black latex

She has no bad side

Long ponytail, black shades and killer smile
turn around
just this once

Another day has just passed
Without a word between us
What is there to say?
There is no wall in the world strong enough to shield me from your words
Dipped in venom
Thrown around in great haste
You don’t mean it I think from time to time
But I also believe that men tell the truth when they are angry, intoxicated or plain exhausted
So which one was it yesterday?
I couldn’t smell the alcohol in your breath
Taste the sourness in your kiss
See fire in your eyes
I should be used to it by now
But I’m not
I should not be surprised by any of the things you say or do
I allow myself to get shocked
Sometimes by an unexpected act of kindness
A full minute of remorse
Or that playful smile
All of it gets swept away and forgotten once you get angry again
Is it me?
Do you see her in me?
Are there things that you wish you could have told her but couldn’t?
why do you feel the need to project all that anger, hatred and bitterness?
I can’t fix what is broken
I won’t allow myself to break either

Caress Me
Tease Me
Hold Me
Love Me
Ask Me
Teach Me
Help Me
Comfort Me
Carry Me
Acknowledge Me
Surprise Me
Wish Me
Tell Me
Treat Me
Surprise Me
Invite Me
Encourage Me
Welcome Me
Support Me
Visit Me
Just...
Don't Leave Me

I thought mom and pop would be happy
a baby girl after 5 boys
yes they loved me
with all the pink frills and bows
loved me like mad and treated me like i was made from glass
the green kind
they pinched my cheeks
tugged at the bow in my hair
and tightened the sash at the back of my dress
those ugly ruffled ones
When I become to much for some one to handle
especially ma
it was always wagging of the finger
tsking of the tongue
and wondering where ma had gone wrong
wrong about what, i will never know
I was either hushed, shushed or scolded much later
but I could not venture out for too long
not on my own anyways
there always had to be some one next to me
I wondered what people were afraid of
what they saw in me
I dressed my best and always minded my business
even then i could not stay out to learn nor observe
learn about the world
meet new faces
laugh about something new
look forward to better brighter memories
I had to always come home soon and stay with the elderly or the babies
Work a broom, mop or the occasionally the rolling pin
But it bothered me
How I could  not go out like other women
apparently it was wrong
so i sometimes wish i was small again
not baby small but small enough to fit in mans pocket
go everywhere
see everything
be part of something so big that i cannot explain it to the peoples back home
it sounds strange
i bet no one has ever wished for this
but i know at least he wont let me down

He loves numbers
I once had a T-shirt that said “I hate numbers”

He can sing and is a bass guitarist
I’ve never hit a single note in my life

He does not believe in the power of positivity
I personally thrive on it

He never forgets anything
I am pathetic when it comes to dates

He is…Ross
I am Racheal

He can roam around the city all day long
I can stay home all day long

He is a hygiene freak
I throw my towel on the floor

He eats very clean
I don’t I need my carbs

He takes foreverrr to get ready in the morning
I take15 minutes

He loves horror movies
I close my eyes 99.9% of the time during a horror movie

He is on snapchat all the time
I hate dog filters


Yes we are very different but we complete each other

So tell me why I am here again
What crime have I really committed
Ankle bracelets turn you off
So you opted for a watch
It must be on my wrist all day long
I thought it was sweet you remembered my birthday
But you really shouldn’t have gotten me anything
Really!
I am practically under house arrest
You never let me go out
There's a **** curfew too
I can be out from 8-6pm
What!
The world goes to **** at 6:01pm?
I cant socialize with my friend
Absolutely no partying
No get togethers
No opportunities to rake in extra cash
You can stop sending in the envelopes
They get fatter every week
Sometimes its grass
Otherwise its snow
Sell your own stuff
Self respect
I don’t know what that is anymore
I have to be at your beck and call
I have to answer at the second ring
Doesn’t matter what I am doing
Where I am at
All the msgs have to read and recorded
Every expense has to be accounted for
My diet consists on what you think is right
My baths and showeres are timed
To conserve water? I don’t think so
No extra minutes on my life plan
Not even over the weekend
You say that you care
You say all you want to do is protect?
Me?
Yourself?
Your steps?
Your double life?
Your methods are so wrong
The uniform still fits
Will you spoon feed me next?
Put on a password for the tv?
Its late and I am tired
I stay awake on nights
Wondering if you’re a man
Or a monster
Thank gods my mom’s dead
No ones here to really see any of this
You still continue to fool everyone
Patrol car
Fancy badge
Aviators
The laws in this house are corrupt
I don’t know how my brain hasn’t rotted from all this by now

The day was a good one
The sun was out
The cold didn’t bother me one bit
No one got in the way
I didn’t flinch at the sight of two people talking
Talking about dreams and no doubt planning a future together
He had his hands in hers
Looked at her so intently
I almost choked up at the sight
I forgot what I was thinking about
It made me long for you
There was a time when you looked me that way
Under the stars
In the company of crickets and fireflies
We talked
We pouted and fought
We laughed
We always looked forward tomorrow
Until they ran out
The stars are still there
The crickets come out
But the fireflies left a long time ago

So many to ask
But I do not know where to begin
So I will start with the end
“Why did you leave”

I cant talk to you today
I won be able to talk to you tomorrow either
Maybe for the entire summer even
Something is wrong
Not with me
My parents
Brother too
My father does not go out for much
Except for work and church
He has been complaining about aches and pains
He wants to lie still all day long
He can’t eat anything accept for bone broth and porridge
He complains of a fever
But everything looked normal
He says he sees something on certain nights
A willowy white figure standing by the edge of his bed
Sometimes looking through a window
He won’t tell me who it is
Sister, grandma a possible mistress?
My mom has not been feeling too good either
I mean she looks okay
She works like a mad woman you know,
But when you talk to her
She barely acknowledges that you are there
It’s like she is in a trance
She lives on coffee and crackers
Down the hall
Stays my brother
Up at all hours
Doing something in his room
It smells kind of funny too
Claims that he has insomnia
I have seen him pop melatonin pills like they are tic tacs
So yea thanks for checking up on me
I still don’t know what is going on
But I cant talk to you today
I wont be able to talk to you tomorrow either

He is starting at the wall
With the hole in the middle
Dads ******* again
Smelled ripe too
Probably owes somebody money
He wonders what he will have to sell this week to make ends meet
Work at the plant has been pretty slow
His moms stuff has been secretly stowed away
She has been out of the picture for years now
He hasn’t forgotten her
He wont let anyone else forget her either
Only a couple more courses till he gets his GED
After that its bye bye to his **** poor place of a home
His dad just blends in the dirt now
Its everywhere
A smallish apartment in the city
A piece of paper allowing him to work from the bottom up to to open up his own club
People music and food
His formula for a good time
Don’t care much about the girls
With their oversized hoops
Skimpy clothes
And ribs sticking out
Rib everywhere!
Looked more like a place for anorexics then a real club last week
He wouldn’t serve alcohol
Mocktails, ****** drinks and beer the non intoxicating kind
***** gummies maybe?
Dad squanders everything every time hes on a drunken rampage
The suns down
The moons up
It didn’t matter
He takes the bottle to bed now
That’s no replacement for mom
He continues to stare at the wall
With the hole in the middle
No dinner tonight
No breakfast tomorrow
He will have to take out the last of the green stuff

It has been a rare kind of day
I woke up feeling refreshed instead of the usual toss and turn
White omlett with cheese, freshly sqeezed OJ fried taters and greens done right
The water pressure did not falter this morning and relaxed all the right muscles
My dress felt extra crisp and my nails were on fleek
No new scars in sight, I was atually glowing
No highlighter necessary
Shopping was enjoyable and not so much a chore
I saw something I liked but didnt bring it home
Catching up with freinds and discussing plans for the summer and upcoming gigs was a breeze
Lunch was delighful because I got the table i really wanted and that cranky tight lipped waiter was no where in sight
Rice and balsamic salmon with a much needed lemoncello hit the spot
I was ok with no dessert
That an with the sad eyes and cute accent at the next table did make serious eye contact with me though
Ah- maybe next week, I bet he will get bored of that brown haired spray tanned ***** hanging on to his every word and carrying a pink rhinestone celly everywhere
I mean everywhere!
Maybe I will stop by at the jewellery store to add on another charm to my bracelete
A lady bug or a daisy I saw a few on the way here
Sketch a little, I think im finally sit still
I should be going home soon
I feel like painting tonight in shades of blue black and grey
A face in the distance
Hope
A fighting spirit
Not sure yet but this is a start
I still miss you daddy

Nice Dress
Nice Tie
I just hope this works out
Tonight

Running out of time
Running out of excuses
yet these words will always linger on my breath
I still love you

It is after midnight
I am not even tired
I should be thinking about you
if you are alright
if your coming home tonight
or spending another night with that ******
yes I know about her
I have known for some time now
the cleaning lady didn't tell me this
the butler did not mention this
the cook did not tiptoe about this
the beautician hummed and hawed about this
my trainer might have mentioned something when he was on top of me
spotting!
A tall thing with a grecian nose and red curls
boxed dye i am sure
blue eyes a dab of lipstick and a lot of beauty-marks
she looks alright in my clothes
I know you stole my perfume and pearls
but what where you trying to do
class up a ******?
honey that is what she does for a living
law school is not cheap
cost me about 500 that night
we met at one of those hotels
I was only there for drinks when she came over
we talked we laughed had our nails and faces done
a sweet girl but what she sees in you I will never know
I still don't see it for myself
it is going to be 15 years soon
well I am not going to try your phone
or the car phone
you probably ate too
so I guess all there is left to do now
is change into that baby blue peignoir you bought for her
and take this tray up
indulge in chocolate caramel cheesecake
toffee ice cream and sauvignon blanc
should not keep Antoine waiting for too long

S= Thank god she's not home yet
C= coach bag and purse to match
R=Ruby rings and diamonds too
E=Empire dresses with a belted waist
W= wine and a watercolour set
E= Estee Lauder Holiday Set for $600
D= Dior Perfume

dOn’t FeEl LiKe WrItInG tOnIgHt
I pReFeR sCrIbBlEs To WoRdS
ThEy ReQuIrE lEsS wOrK
eVeN lEsS tHoUgHt
ZeRo HeArTbReAk

You see them in movies
Read about them in books
I believe in them
But I wish I had given you one
Maybe it would helped me think with my heart one last time
Maybe that would have prompted you to change
See all the things I tried to show you
Tell you all the things I wanted you to know
I couldn't in the end
I broke instead
Your mind shattered into a million pieces
Mine became numb
Time passed
Days were spent in trying to pick up all the scrambled pieces of our hearts
Nights were spent in solitude trying to make sense of flashbacks, unkind words, and loneliness
The memories remained frozen
Time could not heal everything
it helped us grow
see past our mistakes
make amends to be a better person
to someone else
I have changed
I imagine you have too
Leading a different life
With a new set of thoughts
While the heart still bleeds
For the past
For you

Those who leave you
For whatever reason
Are actually doing you a favour
In the long run
I often think about that
Did it help you?
Did you achieve all that you wanted to?
Did you win the hearts of your loved ones again?
Did you get to forgiveness?
Promise to be good again
Follow the rules
Forsake your happiness for others
Learn how to smile
Through the pain
Build new dreams from the ashes of the old ones
Smile at the sun
Play in the rain
Welcome change
Vow to never live in the past again
Can it all be done because of will power and strength
Or is everything just a mirage
Do you go back to being being broken at night
Relive every nightware
Wake up to déjà vu
Wish that you have never met her
Curse scream and yell
Tell yourself that it’ll all be over soon
By ingesting the last pill
Snorting another line
Pulling the trigger
Tightening the noose
Cuz you know that is the only way you will ever see her again

SENT

What happened all of us sudden
You would talk to me daily
Now your too busy
Should have just said something
I would have understood
Now your never around
Online and Offline
Too busy for chats
Too busy for text messages
Too busy for emails
Too busy for letters
Too busy for parcels
Too busy for take out
Everything comes back intact, unopened, unmarked and unread
Your too busy
For me
For us
I will surely find away to send you back my hurt feelings
Unfulfilled wishes
Broken dreams
Scattered thoughts
All the words that should have been said between You and I
But you never had time for it
I knocked, typed, texted. emailed and wrote
Sent you all that I had
Until it was unappreciated, unwanted and disregarded
You are not worth it anymore

Seventeen

Ok I am going to take a second stab at this
Taking the time to write out my feelings
My folks don't listen
Dad ignores me most of the time after coming home from working at the mill
Mom shuts me down every chance she gets and she is right no matter what
That's how this household runs
God help anyone who disagrees with her
***** no longer stays here anymore she dropped out of college and found a permanent 9-5 job at the bank
Also met a man who wears steel toed boots and smells like licorice all the time
I have only met him twice
The first she brought him over to the house
Mama was wearing a black and white polka dot dress with too much hairspray in her hair that day
Dad had an extra glass on wine that evening
But I was happy for her
She was just as miserable as me when she lived in this 75 year old house
I don't think my grandparents haunt this place
I am just 17 and still in high school
Unsure of what I would like to do next
I had to put on jasper down last week cuz dad said he was getting to expensive to keep
I miss him but I wont tell anyone else that
The way he would sleep by the corner of a bed
Had a thing for beef jerky and loved chasing a soccer ball for some odd reason
I will be turning 18 next month
I will be able to vote
Stay up late
I don't like going out much and work
I feel like I am too old for an allowance
I do help around the house and work on smallish electronics that have seen better days for the people around here  
No intentions of getting a girlfriend though
I just want to get out here
Once I turn 18 I bet dad will take me seriously
Show me how to drive
We can out together over the weekend
And hang out with the boys
Mom might just leave me alone more and find something to do
I can see the fine lines
That expensive makeup but that sally sells from door to door aint doing much for her
You cant hide a bad night at the ER or expect someone who works with the injured to look so great everyday
Hmm what else…
I like writing essays and sci-books
Not much of a tv watcher but I like talking pictures of the world
Anything that has to do with airplanes, trains and boats is cool too
I am saving up for a model airplane
I want it before Christmas comes around
Well then I have written down everything that needs to be said
Maybe I will do this again some other time
The shrink said I would feel something after writing
But what
I just feel restless

I wish I had put myself first and not you
that way there wouldn't have been any consequences
I wouldn't have to walk away from anything
I wouldn't be taken for granted
I wouldn't have to care bout feeling hurt
everything would still be whole
I would still be able to sleep at night

It is impossible to feel happy at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Be it a quick smile, a half smile
A toothy grin, too much enthusiasm and laughter

It is impossible feel sadness at all times
Though it is easy to portray and accept
Going from talkative to silent
Withdrawing yourself from family and friends
Not giving a hoot about hair and hygiene
Staying in the dark and sleeping in the day

How about when you feel numb
Due an an illness
A death in the family
Miscarriage
Extramarital affair
Job layoff

What is there to portray and how do you accept it?

When you showed0 up at my door with roses and chocolates on my birthday I could not say no

When you proposed to me up in the air on a hot air balloon with a ring bluer then my eyes, I could not say no

When you set me down in front a of a mansion made from glass and crystal which I could fill up with my dreams  
I could not say no

When you got busy right after the wedding and buried yourself in your work and stayed out real late
I could not say no

When you picked up the phone sounding half intoxicated with a with a female companion snuggling up to you
I could not say no

When you would cancel all our lunch or dinner plans and spend them with your friends instead
I could not say no

When you would go out with your pretty little perky secretaries in the name of business I could say no

When I would ask to come along you could not say anything

Where did we go wrong?

Has never looked so good
or tasted so sweet
I just wish I knew her name

hers smells like flowers
his smells like rain
baby soft
porcelain
pink
scared
bruised
tanned
so much is used
so much is needed
a 100 things to buy
to make it look perfect
to win people over
to make it to the top
to survive at work
to pay for the bills
for the next fix
too much exposure
that is a problem
rough night
find the right shade for cover up
covered up entirely?
Everyone wants to know why
By choice
Because of a trend
To be safe
No one is happy still
Airbrushed
Paint
Glitter
All aesthetically pleasing to the eye
Bare
when no one is watching
When there is nothing to suspect
No supervision
Suddenly stained
But no way to hide it
The stains stay
No one is spared

I think they belonged to my grandmother
I have been hearing about these shoes since I was eight
I am nineteen now
I have seen them in black and white and in color
They are slippers and much better then the ones Cinderella wore
The tips are made from real gold I am told
My grandmother never said where she got them from
Or from who
A birthday? A garage sale?
Her father? Grandpa?
All she said was that they made her feel light and happy
Not a day over 20!
She felt like dancing
She had dainty looking feet so I bet she would dance for hours
I found the box but where could those shoes be hiding?

“Whoa there”
“Slow down a bit and talk to me”
“ I just put a fresh cup of coffee”
“ the cookies are cooling”
“ The children can wait”
“ The dogs asleep by my feet”
“ Your office will still be there on the ground 5 minutes from now”
“ I think you boss is an ***”

My husbands gives me his famous smirk and places a kiss on top of my head

“ Look outside and see that its snowing”
“ Not that fairy-tale or night before Christmas kind of snow either”
“ I must leave now or else the kids wont get to school on time
“Drop the dog off at V’s”
“Yes It will still be there but I have a meeting in an hour”
“ I do think he is an first class ***”

He bites into my cookie and makes his way to the door.

I have not been completely honest
I know I am strong
but at the same time also vulnerable
I know this is not love
It cant be because I am afraid
you are a nice person
drama free and wholesome
pretty parents and manicured lawns
lexus rides and chalets
it all sounds so perfect
looks so great to the naked eye
but I still would not be able to fall in love
because I am afraid
if I begin to love then I will become attached
If i begin to love then I will stop being rational and aim for something that really is not there
if I begin to love then that means I will be free to get hurt
shed tears again
say self damaging things in the name of self defence
All things I know I am capable of
But this cant be love
because I am afraid
to love
to loose
to break and turn to dust

Is it a problem that I sometimes can't stand people
being around them
Having always been a social person i parents do not quite understand this
they mutter to themselves, roll there eyes at me and sometimes even look at the ceiling
I cannot quite explain this but i do understand when it all started
I am OK with being this version of me
Do not get me wrong
I am not evil nor demented in anyway
I care
I help
I sympathize
But sometimes I shut down too
from the chatter of too many people in a room
too many around me
The noise
the lights
the looks
it all becomes to much sometimes
I don't care what they say about me and my so called eccentric behavior
I care more about what i think about myself
I go to sleep with my own problems i am constantly working on myself
how to remain calm in unforgiving situations
how to exert discipline when things feel overwhelming
how to stay positive but also realistic when i feel like giving up
how to avoid useless chatter toxic people and bad vibes
I prefer my own company over others
like to spend time on my own
i cant say what i am trying to avoid by doing so
Disappointment
heartbreak
or compensation for lost time
given to those who really didn't deserve it in the first place because they did not bother to stick around when I needed someone

Soon to be Parents

Just got the news
Congrats to you and her
But that’s all

I cant put my feelings into words
I shrugged my shoulders and thought that it didn’t matter
Good for them
More responsibility
Sleepless nights
No control of the body or bladder
Cravings
Last minutes texts
A 30 year commitment
He will probably be able to handle it now
They look happy together
Everywhere
Cheesy poses
Hats and drinks all around
She looks healthy and is glowing
Definitely not a barbie doll thin anymore
None of this should matter to me

But I cant not put my feelings into words
Anger, Annoyance Maybe even relief

Sorry’s and Thankyou’s

When I came into this world, the first thing I saw was your face with your skin glistening, hair plastered with your forehead, but you still smiled for me

That’s where it all started

When the nurse broke our embrace and took you away from me. I tried to cling on to you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

When everyone thought it was a best to leave me in a box that made weird noises, I cried out for you but it did not work.
I am sorry for that mom

The first time you brought me home and held me close, I cried for three days straight
I am sorry for that mom

You gave me the bottle and I rejected it immediately ruining your clothes and sense of confidence.
I am sorry for that mom

You paced around the house and sung endless lullabies for no extra charge it only annoyed me
I am sorry for that mom

You let the house turn into a mess and stopped attending work so that I get proper sleep and function
Thank you for that mom

You gave up your social life so that you could spend more time with me
Thank you for that mom

You stopped going to see your parents and siblings so that I could take my first steps, say my first word and eat right
Thank you for that mom


You would go into a panic every time my cries got more urgent and my scream more louder
Thank you for that mom

You would lose sleep over me, whenever I could not sleep a wink because I thought there was something hiding under my bed
Thank you for that mom

You would skip meals because I thought it would be great fun to run around the house and break everything in sight
Thank you for that mom


You would get scared whenever I could not stay in place and was always very close to getting lost.
Thank you for that mom

You would stress whenever I would not finish my food and went to bed hungry.
Thank you for that mom

You would hurt whenever I fell and scraped my knees or needed stitches
Thank you for that mom

You would be patient with me every time I lost patience and could not do something right
Thank you for that mom

You taught me how to read, write and soon speak fluently
Thank you for that mom

You picked me up when I fell and refused to get up
Thank you for that mom

You comforted me every time something broke and fell apart including my goals and dreams
Thank you for that mom

Sorry for all the trouble but thank you for never giving up on me.

Sounds

There is so much noise in this house
The cat is purring
The speaking is speaking in French
The washer swishes and swirls
The dryer tumbles
The heater hums
The dishwasher sloshes about
The blender whirls
The oven just tinged
The phone continues to beep and buzz
The computer loads
The shredder shreds
The printer has stopped
It is never quiet in here
Even though it is just mittens and I
The only sound my ears want to pick up on is the sound of the front door unlocking
Your voice ringing through this small house
how I have missed the sound of your voice