i showed you my scars
and you licked them as if they were a wine
healed my deepest wounds
just to make space for new ones

i showed you my scars
and in desperate times became my beacon
killed my ghosts chasing me at midnight
just to become one in my life

you are a loss i will forever mourn even in my sleep
paralysed by the ghost of you that haunts me in dreams
i gave you my heart till you bleed it out
forced me to say words i never once believed

they say people are always blinded by the truth
"forever lost" is truly the lost case
i was here bleeding at the shore
when you departed to another sea

you ate my heart with your bow in it
while i had a choker around my throat
and without the one which would keep me alive
my body forgot its work and gave up
i sacrificed myself for a ghost
that was born in my thoughts
i tried to touch your face
but it started to fade away
i kept on screaming your name
trying to reach your hand
but you were never here-
you never hurt me,
you never slit my throat
you never tasted me like wine

i can't get enough of your stares
as if they want to leave me in ruins
by eating my flesh and bones

i can't get enough of your stares
as if they want to undress me
without you ever touching me

let's meet tonight in cemetery
to perform our sacred ritual where
i hold you close and we dance in the dark
there is a sword in my back
and a glass of wine in your hand
to fill it with my blood

let's meet tonight in cemetery
to perform our sacred ritual where
you betray me for one last time
as you're kissing me and pushing the knife
deeper and deeper into my heart
and sky echoes with my cries

be my death and wear my bones
be a ghost in my life and
come to haunt me every night
i'll sit at the cemetery
or you can sit by my grave
just for once be my death
a reason i could happily die

life feels too much
let it be one of my escape
use your knife and
make me bleed till
all that is left are my bones
or be a ghost in my life and
come to haunt me every night

slit my throat with a sword
speak in a language only we know
look into my eyes with that daring gaze
that knows the secret you once spoke

"i love you" is what your lips said
with your hand around my throat
i was struggling to breathe and
you kept on confessing with each soft breath

your imprints on my throat
they all speak my biggest truth of
the night we both held each other close
and your lips marked my whole body

your imprints on my throat
a sword you entered into my heart
watched me bleed and smile
don't rain those tears tonight

let me be the danger you carry around
darling place your gun on my head
pull its trigger when it feels too much
even if i'm hanging by the thread

I'm bleeding while lying on the ground
my imbecile lover's sword in my chest
let go of my hand and don't be my savior
save yourself before heaven falls upon us

he never learnt to fight back
he never learnt to give up as well
he climbed the mountains
with a weight on his back
he jumped from the mountains
and into the valley
but still survived
living a life
with no place to die

i recall the last words
he died fighting bravely in the war
a child born under dark clouds
you were never the problem
i hope you rest in peace
i hope sun shine bright in next life
so go descend for the heavens
and may i never lift my pen again
to write atrocities committed
on the name of love

he is not cut out to live with all of this-
to live while bearing the scars
countless of spears in his chest
yet still breathing
blood all over the floor, returned defeated
every time he went on the war
with a hope that someday a savior will arrive
bearing a sign of peace and not bruises from a father

he collected all his hopes, dreams and wishes
hid them under floorboards of his room
letting them all rest in darkness
while burning in fire that comes from loss

he collected everything he had in himself
every star that was showed him
and when nights begin to bleed memories
they all rose back like ghosts in the fog

he collected every last bit of innocence
it was no longer the way to live
he must abandon the house he lives in
in order to fight something that isn't his

he told his child version to stay quiet
listen the voice through the cracks
silent all the voices from under floorboards
and rest in peace if he can't run away

no one ever taught him how to be a grown up
all he is now a puppet, controlled by dangerous thoughts
that tells him to run towards hill and jump into the valley

freedom is far beyond his reach
he believe his older version was too strong
he had dreams, wishes and knew how to cling with hope

but now everything is rusted
he breathe poisonous air
from his dreams in flames

hope is a devil disguised as a beauty
no one ever told him how scary it gets
he doesn't wish to grow up

is it ethical
if he says he hates his family?
they did him wrong but then the world will say-
"god help this child possessed by the spirit
he's the one in the wrong".

he tries to find a reason to love them,
because he is in debt for raising the man he is now
but then again, they reminds him-
his existence is wrong.

he is not saying he hate his family
if so, then they hate him too
the reason for this is far beyond
this poet's understanding

they also loves him,
giving him a crown of jewels
but imposing something upon him
that was never his to begin with-
to carry the weight of stones they bore.

and the arguments, the words thrown at his prime
it is hard for him to breathe sometimes
he's locked in a dungeon he can't escape

his blood boils in rage
the words out of that man's mouth
were always laced in poison

haunting this feeling was
for someone recovering from a loss
the stars that were glued to his sky
all began to fall down one night
he can't even wish upon them
hoping for a good ending to this story
because each star is a hope he sowed

his blood boils in rage
when that man ever hit him
he can't even stand his ground
so will he even tells his father
that he was not made to be hurt
with the hands that raised him

he sits on a swing and mourn 'what could've been'
a little child inside a devil like him longs for a home
is it that he wish to run or return to same old place
he will forever be lost in the woods, searching for the end

his body turning cold and sweat running down the skin
heart on its high and face appears to be pale
running from everything that he inherited
he just want to die and live in eternal peace

his wings were chopped at an early age
he was just learning to stand up and live his life
the cricket grounds are still lively without him
but his ghost still lingers around watching everyone

what could've been, what he would've been
they all haunt him in middle of the night
what he has become now is the result of ignorance-
someone whose heart was bleeding but ignored each dawn

a ghost of a child at the playground
swinging on a swing
laughing and having fun

a ghost of a child at the playground
swinging on a swing
he was never found at local cemetery

priests went out in search
exorcists did their performance
but the child was swinging on a swing

he hid himself in the closet
whenever he heard the footsteps in the hall
and when that man was in the room
he would stare through the open cracks

he knew it at the age when others were in playgrounds
the fear of a man who called himself his father
but nothing like one and only a tyrant
a monster who bullied his own kids

he locked the door of his room
closing all entrances, even the windows
to stop the monster in his dreams
roaming in hall from coming in,

he locked the door of his room
placed a chair and sat under the table
the sound of footsteps was getting loud
he just sat there talking to his toys

he locked the door of his room
he just stared at the pendulum bob
writing apologies on unsent letters
waiting for the footsteps to pass

she was too innocent to understand anything
too small to differ between love and pain
so she learned to express what she felt

she would lock herself in room with her dolls
and take out crayons and began to draw
a mother, a child and a man with big hands

sitting on the dinner table
where instead of food, he was served cold
silence turned into words that hurt

sitting on the dinner table
he was served disappointment from others
who questioned his existence

sitting on the dinner table
his father made a loud thump on the table
spewed out his hate he always keep close

he is always mad at his own child
for the stones that come his way
but his child will forever be grateful
for what he has done for him

he is always mad at his own child
the one he raised under his roof
to make him into a man, only to
crush him under his own trauma

now grown into an adult
he wishes to run away to a place
where land stretches upwards into hills and peaks
and there are valleys to jump into

he hates his family
They all had restricted his freedom
That’s how he ended up like this
With no one to call or visit-
and share his deepest thoughts with a friend

I won’t say anything or
raise questions on someone's intentions
because that's who this poet is
i made my finest decision to be alone
over the dramatic chaos life brings when I'm happy

149 poems later, one can still trace you in my poems
I wrote you carefully in metaphors and words that scream
In the anagram that holds your lovely name

149 poems later I’m still stuck in this hedge maze life
I try to cut my wrist and let my tears speak the unspoken
I’ll try to cut the ones who surround me and be a new version

149 poems later, my feelings remain unspoken
For the most part, they’ll forever haunt my existence
Even if I bleed them out on paper

149 poems later, I wish to be left alone
i'm afraid to walk into the future
I'm taking my leave here, soon I'll be 20

I can't blame anyone, not even the one you love
I'm sure you both have stories to fill pages with—
about how you met and fell for each other
I do not have the right to claim you,
so the question of hate seems outrageous
My nights are haunted by the dead and the living
You are a beacon I always waited for

I’m just a side character in my own story
The heart of someone I know beats for someone else
I’m watching it all unfold from the sidelines
I knew the risk I was taking, I keep telling my heart—
But the weight of my tears feels too heavy to carry
So I let them rain again for you tonight
You have beautifully haunted my life
I thought I was finally going to make you mine

All that you'll leave behind for me are your memories
The legacy of a story that was ill-fated from the beginning
You have somebody else, but my heart still screams your name in silence
Who will I think of when I’m being feasted upon by my ghosts?
Your memories will soon join them—and eat me alive.
I don’t want to be in love again, where the one I love will **** me

those eyes of yours keep hurting me
the same eyes that once made me blush
and comforted me in darkest of my hours
they tell me that you're not mine

those eyes of yours keep tearing me apart
they tell me you're a fantasy i will never get to live
love now seem like a fictional concept
i must write you with my own pen

my sighs were getting too loud
and their echoes haunting the halls,
i was struggling to breathe
and tears rolling down my face,
it is you who stepped in like
how moon shines bright after eclipse,
kissed my tears off like a desert
and leaving after a passionate remark

my face in the ground
and a collar across my neck
i tried to stand up, little by little
but i fell on my knees again

from crying on the thought of you
to struggling for breathe over and over
my face buried in the cold sand
i can't recall your dreamy face

it still happens now and then
but i tell my heart to stop crying
and mind to hatch some plans
you were never mine in the first place

even while writing,
my body cold and pale
my tragedy is i can't recall your face
but my idea of you will never fade

anxiety wrapped around my neck
and hands struggling to free myself
lying on my bed close to the edge
i was struggling to keep my breathe

in the velvet sheets,
where cries turned into moans
and with a single kiss,
i was brought back from the hell

swing of a pendulum speaks to me
in its back and forth motion
it prophesied to be prepared
storm will make landfall again

a golden daylight that you are
pierced through my grayest of the dark
calmed the waves carrying the storm-
that were wrecking my heart

in the darkest of my hours,
when night bleed memories
the thought of you feels like
an emergency aid in the war

a calmest of the people i know
with little to no smile on face
yet you feast upon my demons
and set me free from my chains

unhealthy this obsession of mine
that asks you to use me at your will,
the room is glowing red and-
can hide your imprints on my neck

unhealthy this obsession of mine
to be burned by your touch,
your cigarette against my skin
and its smoke filling up my lungs

unhealthy this obsession of mine
to be deserted and left in ruins
your teeth biting into my skin
not everyone can see love through pain

mark your territory with those cherry lips
make me your altar, a sacred place to worship
mark me yours in places no else been
so bite me, kiss me and love me

i'll be your sitter, as you sculpt a figure of me
naked and alone, for your eyes to feast upon me
too much ecstasy will fill up our red glowing room
as you devour and left me in ruins

beautiful, on the face of mine
when you will make a plea,
in an language only we speak
you hint me to meet by the lake

you walk through the woods
with an lantern in one hand
to jumping into my arms
when we meet at the lake

bats flying across the dead sky
and haunted mansion that whispers our song
may we be the vampires tonight
who stray without any care

hold this hand that longs for your touch
it is you that i want, is it too much?
make a melody using the drums that you beat,
for us to dance under lightning-met-night in secrecy

i want you to bleed my lips
and heal them with a perfect kiss
as a reminder for me to keep living
and then mark me with your bliss

keep beating the drums of my heart that signals your arrival
a little glance from those eyes sends shivers in my body
my mind is now a slave for you, not the kind left in bruise
the sudden urge to touch your face and say i fancy you

how close we would have to become for it to happen?
i would have to declare my love, like a nightingale's song
taking me back in the same boat, of being denied or yes
how cruel our situation is, i lack confidence to tell you

stars had aligned, my savior finally arrived
visions of you clung to my eyes,
months of anticipation and stolen stares
i still haven’t figured out your must-be-lovely name

walking under that purple flowers tree
on the mattress nature laid for us to be
with full of flowers and butterflies flying by
it is the fate’s will to be, to make you mine

invisible strings and the touch of your hand
sparked something in me that floods my eyes
the wind in my world always flows towards you
a sign of arrival, of beacon i imagined

ere this day, my world covered in gray clouds
but now finally turned purple-pink,
the golden daylight pierced through the haze
for once i'll let this sin feeling bloom, that was born in the dark

hold the rope tight, never let go of a safe hand
the journey ahead is far too brutal to make sense
what once seemed fated, shall shatter one's hopes
the idea of love was born from a poet's thought

lover's rose from the ashes to finish their lovelorn stories
heart wrapped in barbed wire yet still beating-
for the one who will break my heart
uncover new truths in each arc

'greatest' is just a title that cannot take away your pain
I saw a pianist, his eyes raging with fire in pain
he had his sleeves rolled up, revealing his veins
playing the piano's ivory keys with passion,
pushing the limits, pouring his heart into melody
only for his fingers to bleed, painting the white keys red

messages sent and unsent
confessions told and untold
heartbroken- and hearts we both broke

your memories linger around like a ghost
I still see your shadows at my door
scores settled and unsettled, you don't matter anymore

pierce through my heart or stab my back
the tattoos have already been scrubbed off
now you don't beat my drums anymore

the pages of my diary hold the memories-
memories of you being cold and warm,
memories of that mysterious smirk,
and the day you deserted me

i unfurled the white flag
and surrendered on my knees
you started this war
and kept on stabbing me

this war is our love affair
illicit from the moment it began
yet, i believed in you and 'this love'
still questioning, whether i regret you or not

Who is to blame here when we both stopped picking up calls?
Is it because the lines that connected us have rusted?
Or is it because we both outgrew each other?

My love for you never ran out, even when I was drowning.
You just stopped sending invitations,
and I stopped writing to you.

Our love was as pure as the kisses you burned into my body,
your name engraved within the depths of my heart.
But we ran out of luck and lost it all

why did it begin in the first place?
and then why, it have to end so early?
it was meant to be another lovelorn story,
a story with arcs developing faster than fiction
everything shattered in the blink of an eye
our first conversation, it was all accidental
and so was our fate- it was tragic and unfair

I have this picture of you—or should I say, I own this picture of you—
that I have kept hidden in my chambers,
neither inside my diary nor within a vault,
but frozen in time within my mind.

It is both painful and lovely to watch,
my lingering feelings keeping me tied to it.
Yet, all it brings me now are memories that ache.

"You're sitting and smiling, posing for a picture,
your eyes concealed behind silver glasses.

the twin flame you ignited
and the stares that burned the air
came out fiercely and declared,
'you're in love,'
only to later pierce my heart,
leaving me with wounds that bleed
until i'm in ashes

Blue were my days and nights
when you would check on me,
with late-night conversations
and your playful words about meetings
Is it the days that I miss, or
is it you whom I long for?
This affair was forsaken from the beginning

Fate played its dirtiest tricks on me,
Made me believe "our" and "us" would mean something,
Only for everything to end in the cruelest way possible
I'm still picking up my broken pieces

I had faith in myself, at least
I decided to follow the path my heart paved
I was mocked by destiny
And was finally brought down from the clouds

"Why can't we exist?" I screamed at the night sky
A lot of big challenges awaited with their schemes
I only thought about my love in that moment,
Unaware of the storm that would take away my dreams

am i worthy to be one of your poems?
i see that you call yourself a poet now?
with difference being we no longer write back to each other

regrets, heartbreaks and the hearts that you broke
you paint those lines with the weight you bore
did your heart ever ache on my thought?