they say, "you're acting all lost",
and i say, "i know!"

every flower field i pass by
turns to gray, and their leaves fall down
the flowers appear as if they're not watered,
everything i touch becomes sick

their colors start to fade away,
my loneliness is making it hard
to see the world without an obscured view
i'm always sorry for my behavior,

i try to love it here,
but the truth is, i don't wan't to stay

in a room full of crowds
i'd still find silence
loneliness has burned into my body
that if it burns, it'll burn me alive
i can't afford to smile, that's how it built me
reeling and crying slowly became a favorite activity

there is no end or trace of this pain
no knowing how it began or when it will end?
it just started, only god knows when,
i kept on ignoring the signs

was it when i was deserted?
or was it when i lost the one i cherished?
there is no end to these tears,
pouring down, blurring my eyes,
like rain on a foggy night

or did it start when hope became evil?
was it when i gave up on my dream?
this pain is here to stay,
to haunt my existence and be my bane

When I speak about the monster,
I speak of the trauma and the pain.
He feeds upon the bones and flesh,
And so, you won’t survive.

He lurks in the shadows
And comes out at midnight.
When your thoughts quicken your heartbeat,
He is a devil in disguise.

First, he lures you into his grand plans,
With late-night conversations with yourself.
Then, he bites the hand that feeds him,
Leaving you numb, with no will to survive.

Even if you ask me, 'how are you?"
I'll say I'm fine, keeping the mask on.
Either I'm scared to tell you,
Or I don't want you to know this pain.

I'm better off without a savior,
At least this disease won't reach you.
You'll be safe, and smile,
Because this heart is under immense gravity.

It'll rip you apart into pieces,
And set me into flames.
You're far better than knowing the truth,
Because this darkness is beyond your control

There is a monster that accompanies him,
In halls, streets, college, it never leaves his side.
Better than the lovers and friends,
But its company brings demise.

He carries the baggage of his own thoughts,
Death always stays by his side.
Made her his closest friend,
Just one wish away for this to end.

The dark passenger is his name,
Death is the ruler in his kingdom.
It breaks or brings any curse,
Negative thoughts prey upon him

You can't see the chains
I'm bound to be doomed.
My feelings, my pain are taking a toll on me,
Keeping me down with a chain around my neck.

I'm sometimes ashamed of what I have become,
"too cruel on yourself", they say, but I know.
Is it supposed to be this hard to grieve?
Grieve the loss of life, dreams, and wishes?

The invisible chains, a devil named "hope," tied me to.
Isn't kind or lovely, and certainly not a gentleman;
It shows its fangs after showing a ray of light.
I can't afford to smile, I'm afraid it'll burn me alive

Walking home, looking up at the sky,
But not keeping my hopes high.
The halls that once echoed happiness,
Now cry in silence and haunt my nights.
Emptiness once felt like a myth,
But now my darkest reality.
All I do is grieve these days,
The pink or green or blue days are now rusty

If I were asked where I want to be,
I'd say I hate this place and life,
Where the choices I made are my bane,
And they shatter me, so I live with this pain.

When I look at the pink sky,
All I can feel is sadness.
Emptiness within me feeds on my body,
Slowly turning me into a zombie.

I hate the way I live; my ideal version is too delicate.

The ineffable beauty of this planet no longer surprises me.
Numbness consumes my space;
I do not wish to be rescued and hope there's no place for me to stay.

You see, I'm an actor.
I'll cheer for you,
While I'm dead on the inside.

I'll write scripts
And put them in action
To prove I'm fine.

It is weary sometimes,
But shows my growth as an actor.

I'll climb the highest of the mountains,
And my tears will rain down to end drought.
And blood will flow like a river.

It's a long road ahead;
I'll learn this time to be fine.

Some days, I want to be left alone,
while on others, I want someone to hold my hand.
Either I walk out of the woods alone,
or I need a light to guide me through this pain.

My ghosts feed upon my thoughts,
even when I assure myself I'll be just fine.
My sighs never forget their true self,
and my heart continues to beat like a drum.

In a pitch-dark room, I sit, broken and unaware.
The future seems too harsh to live in,
and my present doesn't even care.
Either way, I long for the light that can save me.

Is it all in my head?
Or does everyone think of me the same way?
When I stand before a mirror, I want to smile,
But even the mirror forces me to cry.
“you are a failure who couldn’t achieve his dream”—
It screams at my face, telling the truth.

These days, I look miserable and in despair,
So my friend told me, “The mirror is a liar.”
But how can it be a lie, I asked myself,
When I see my face turning gray in the mirror?
A mirror shows our reflection,
And even my mind knows this simple truth.

Memories chained around my neck
That comes to life at midnight
Just like a snake bite with its fangs
Their voices sink their teeth into my skin
Release their poison and absorb a part of me
Then they speak to me: "Kneel to the ground and surrender yourself."
I close my ears, as the deafening silence takes over me

in a corner of my mind
the shattered me sits in utter silence
unable to carry and fly with wind’s pace
the weight on my chest drags me down to same place

even the pills can’t help me calm down
the screams get louder with harrowing memories
the daggers in my chest are hard to remove
every task i face, a mountain hard to move

this dark room, a bottomless pit,
a place in my mind but in motion of free falling
witness to my pain and anxiety I bore,
a feast for the beast that rules in its whole

“you should try hard”, they proposed,
without being aware of the beast the cage holds
nights are haunted by the ghosts of loss
one way of getting out- but life is that cost.

your ghosts keep you awake at night
you hate the nights but are forced to be a nyctophile
night is supposed to be an hour of peace
but something burned rises from the ashes

goodbye came as if it’s always by your side
your eyes rained turning red in pain
but like a warrior, you keep that mask
hiding the painful truth behind that smile

you see yourself as a grown-up version
always trying to bring daylight into the dark
but what can you do in daylight with daylight
when in both hours, demons rule your mind

you carry a dagger stabbed in your heart
but suppress the tears full of guilt and pain
You’re a child of the moon
Light your own world for once

our secret moments and i was high in that feeling
watching film on a reel with you but now all i can do is reeling
looking back at memories that were full of laughter
the night we had, i couldn't look away after,
so close yet i couldn't bring it up to you
i'm still in love when the lights went out
under the moonlight, it felt like a movie
and woke up to find your lips close to mine
in my fatal fantasies we're always together
but the next morning brought desertion in the light

if i could fly in the sky, i will declare my love to the people on ground
if i could talk to the birds, i will ask them to add some melodies in the scene
but you stood across the road, denying something you started
the look from your eyes and its torturing action- my cheeks grew warmer
but something in this moment without you, i feel how far we really are
our places close but hearts still hundred miles far
my desk is the only place i can write about my muse
thinking you're closer to me but its a poem you will never learn of

i meet you in dreams but
the fear of desertion continue to exist
emotions in my dream seem far more stronger
in reality too both our faces looks so gray
i can't even console you in your grief
i don't want you to know about how i feel
it's supposed to be a love affair meant to die
either in grave or by moving on with time

staring into your eyes but 10 second seemed bit harder
hot flush from your stare and i felt my cheeks grew warmer
your face slacking happiness and heart covered in dark gray
i wanted to whisper you 'my love' and tell you i'm here for you
putting your faith in me, you uttered your agonizing account
if i tell you 'i love you', would you let me share your pain?

looking into your seraph eyes
ferris wheel had put us high
being lifted up in the air
but with you it felt safe and divine
lights from the ground reaching the sky
we had the world below our feet
with no one to tell who to love
we held each other close before the fell

mesmerized by the look in your eyes
i wanted to whisper a secret
exhilaration hit us soft and sweet
so the fall felt haunting and divine
put away desertion in that moment
the moment of beauty in your charm
we both screamed at top of our lungs
and shared our secrets before the rise

please don't be in love with someone else
you heart is no one's but mine
but who am i to tell you this?
when you're not really mine

i wish on every shinning star for you to come
i wish for a day when you will see for who i am
i already saw you, you have pain stuck under your skin
so i will help you bury it in mine

your gentle eyes cried a little times
your lips so sweet but red in pain
your face so blue but hides the color gray
the sadness no one knows about you

i'll tell you something holding your hand
you have a admirer who cares about you
the cannons that are aimed at your fort
will submerge in the sea before they hit you

lying on a pillow you used the other night
the night we spent under the moonlight
only few stars in the sky but you looked so bright
my demons and ghost got so fright
a solace in that moment but pain is what i feel now
your memories tells me to smile but
there’s a big side to the eyes i can’t see now
now begins another race to survive

lying on a pillow you used the other night
the night we spent under the moonlight
only few stars in the sky but you looked so bright
my demons and ghost got so fright

a solace in that moment but pain is what i feel now
your memories tells me to smile but
there’s a big side to the eyes i can’t see now
now begins another race to survive

i hope to see you shine, i don’t want to say goodbye
now that you’re close to my heart, i see you for who you are
i watched you sleep with your lips close to mine
the innocence on your face hides a painful past behind that beaming smile
will keep these feeling buried till i’m alive and for you i’ll die 2 years in advance
so my love can last forever and my memories will decay in grave with time

memories blending with the melodies
melodies i hear that bleed memories
memories that are covered in gray
melodies make me relive the pain
wind up in the circle with nowhere to escape
nostalgia is a sin to commit, melodies are my bane
memories holds a grip on me, don't associate song with your pain
cadence is a song that nature hums
after goodbyes, never meant to happen
live or die, the world moves on
i'm too weary to play this tortured game

Arrival of fall, rustling of leaves
Strangers walking down the alley
Far reaches from the city grounds
A girl, a charmer arrived in the fall
The planet on its tiptoes danced 16 times
To welcome new chapters in her life
In the trouvaille, I found a friend in a stranger
A friend I never knew I needed,
In my journey to love myself
The courage flowed like river from her words
Her aura that outshines moonlight
In longing of someone, she counts the stars
A hidden sadness behind the beaming smile
A hidden pain behind those eyes
In her happiness, the gunnen rises on me
Went through ups and down
She always fought the demons in her mind
A figure who loves “tea”, to be debutante in her prime
Have friends like poison ivy
But she knows how to live life

lurking in the shadow
to hunt her down
to put all the blame on her
there’s a man dressed as clown

was it that “her clothes too short”?
was it that “she was too easy”?
reasons circled around
there’s a man dressed as clown

clown is unapologetic
clown is a predator
clown is a hypocrite
there’s a man dressed as clown

in my periphery, a messenger arrived
carrying the sadness and the news of goodbye
“the roses you sent died out on their way before they could bloom
the dreams you planted were set on fire by the demons you fought”

now walking alone on the empty streets at night
staring at the moon wondering if you’re looking at it too
i would talk to moon thinking you’re hearing on the other side
beyond the seas, you were still close to me

the moment I saw the text cloud appear and disappear
i knew that was when I lost you in the argument
the moment of silence that followed was not just any peace
but a calm before the surging storm
a storm that wreck havoc in its path
and tore me to my bones and soul

now in my tomb of silence, carving your name on the stone
i lost the one I cherished, now I lost the one I loved the most
weeds and fog has covered the grounds in november’s cold
my thoughts are burning my skin, I want to drown

you’re so majestic, I don’t deserve you
you’re so grand, I don’t deserve you
your heart is nothing but pure
and I fear my gray one will infect yours too
my love can cross border’s but yours can cross universes
i hope the sun smiles at the brightest for you
you’re kind, I don’t deserve you
you’re the muse I don’t want to hurt, I don’t deserve you

winter knocked at my door
before it could bloom
staring into an abyss
i long for the days old good

deserted like embers from burning firewood
love took a huge rebound
still waiting for it to return
return in the best shade of blue

i saw the gray entering my periphery
the fog  covered my sense of insecurity
thought- the lost is for someone who are “us”
but my story didn’t even began

loving someone new was never so torturous
moving on but my face is still gray
reeling at night, smiling in daytime
desertion from you still haunts my midnight

thought that love would make its grand return
but the lingering sadness over-weigh my fervor wishes
the fleeting feeling of love
but it failed to turn gray into a blue world

why would you stare into my eyes?
it’ll keep a hold on me
while you’ll leave me behind
unrequited this story will be
just like in the past I couldn’t be-
“someone’s muse but they were mine”
my face will turn gray again
and this feeling will die in a million times

sound of burning fire crackers reminds me of a day
light from burning fire crackers reminds me of a day
when you were her, joining the group with joy
i watched you from the sideline when your face light up pink
the smile that never faded till you were here
but the feeling engraved within me tells me to cry
i meet you in my dreams and always try to tell you
“i love you mother, you were so blue”

in your eyes, there’s a plea
as if they’re in search of something warm and sweet
the look that you gave me sparked something
something very dangerous that needs to be handled with care and free
free of insecurities for it to bloom
bloom in the best shade of blue

my plea is to forever hold you dearly and close
never letting go of your hand and let it freeze
in november’s cold when it’s snowing outside the window
i’ll build something with snow and let you laugh at me
my plea is to forever hold you close
and peace will never leave our door

there’s a ghost in my glitter filled room
that reminds me of you
and says, “you are my only muse”

night is the hour of peace
but once the clock strikes at midnight
the ghost comes out to take me to hell

loving you was never a crime
but when i’m trying to move on
your memories still lingering around this time

in denial
but pacing while room is on fire
motion capture fail to paint his emotions
"I'm fine"- a product of his illusion

litany of reasons but pain stuck under his skin
too afraid to pen about, too afraid to scream it out
demons are his rulers, will demons be the winners?
help! he is drowning he can't put out this fire

went to the well to fetch some water
to water the plants and to drink some water
but fell in endless well with no bottom
he went to the well to fetch some water

the hope of his dreams is way bigger
the fruition period slipped before the reaches
fell in the well, a never ending torture
close his yes? will the nightmare be over?

the demons are the rulers,
the demons are the winners
who will pull him down
gravity- a force stronger

cold barren land
plants have died out in the fog
long winter days with no warmth of sun
dreams i planted have died out in the cold
2 years of hell for this and that
for to fall behind him and her
gave my blood, sweat and tears
for to be back at the beginning

lost all my hope
lost all my faith
i reached my heights
i reached my patience
a ray of hope, a ray of sun
brought the warmth lost for years 2
“my dreams”- a product of my work and efforts
but a grand victory awaits ahead

oh my! oh my!
i always prayed for days like these
“when i would run late for the class
and someone saving me a spot”
though something it speaks to me
of truth i’m facing bigger than my dreams
“this ain’t your dream college
this ain’t what you worked for”

but something it speaks to me
“avenoir a great this desire, till you see the worst”
a savior in the war
a refuge from my demons
shelter till i fly again
my cold barren land
has already dug my grave
i’ll stay till the summer arrive

fire raining down from the sky
and my planet turned to hell
with no sign of life but only cries
of his, her and their memories at midnight

strange streams leaking from my eyes
i wonder, “will i even survive?”
poetry i write from every dying
pieces of memories and fragments of my life

at the cemetery of dreams
buried but not achieved
their dead soul rises at night
to haunt my existence
and remind those good memories

something i added on the fabric
something i penned on the paper
remain unforgettable
and I find myself reeling and mourning
days turned to nights
and nights turned to days
with no sign of goodbye

fleeting memory of you
one fateful encounter
you are my muse
a solace in that moment
standing across the road
our roads will never cross
you see I’m a “sad amorist”
i will always say, “our stars will never align”
i will paint my knuckles red
for a glimpse of you
but scared of the thought
you belong to someone else
i’ll leave a letter at your door
my idea of you will never fade
my ink for you will never run dry
it’s a letter that i will never fly

wake me up when it’s all over
“when the ink of my pen stops bleeding
when there is no trace of their memories”
wake me up when the nightmare is over

november’s sadness will take me down
burn the bridges to the next run
lunar eclipse and pacing under the sun
gray will return in it’s darkest shade

the chains that hold on to me
i kept ‘hold on to the memories’
now screaming looking at the sky
beacon tell me will I survive?

the chains of the past
and the pain stuck under my skin
the blood moon is on the rise
and something buried will come out at night

in chains of blood
in chains of memories
i try to survive
but haunting midnights comes after

to be someone’s muse- a feeling unknown!
an honor so grand but beyond my hope,
the vastness of the sea before my eyes
its secrets can’t be hold in a rhyme,
midnight’s darkness- a friend before
now a foe, never haunted me before
a rose by other name can be “forget-me-not”
sorrows, sorrows and prayers always knock at my door,
cemetery is the home for the spirits
cemetery is the home for the memories,
i long for the “good old days”
when summer never left me alone,
now in my winter’s barren land
a glittery hope is what i pray for!

oh my these beautiful days!
autumn has come and will soon be gone
with leaves falling down brown and pale

some leaves are clinging with the hope
will they even survive the winter’s cold rage?
i summon the greatest of the force
to teach them how to fall away

hope is a devil in disguise
that will make everyday hard to survive
if you don’t fall down, will have nowhere to stay

my muse
my unspoken words
our antithetical stories
your charm
your goodbye before the dawn

i traced the lines of our fate
never aligned
the red string woven around
which seems too weak
your presence lingers around me
like a shadow

rain poured down before
before we became alive
before i let it out
before i could hold on
before you screamed it out
i watched you being washed away from my shore

i watch the rain
blurring edges of my side of the world
as i wait for it to cleanse my wounds
as i wait for it to blur my memory
as i wait to let go