149 poems later, one can still trace you in my poems
I wrote you carefully in metaphors and words that scream
In the anagram that holds your lovely name

149 poems later I’m still stuck in this hedge maze life
I try to cut my wrist and let my tears speak the unspoken
I’ll try to cut the ones who surround me and be a new version

149 poems later, my feelings remain unspoken
For the most part, they’ll forever haunt my existence
Even if I bleed them out on paper

149 poems later, I wish to be left alone
i'm afraid to walk into the future
I'm taking my leave here, soon I'll be 20

I can't blame anyone, not even the one you love
I'm sure you both have stories to fill pages with—
about how you met and fell for each other
I do not have the right to claim you,
so the question of hate seems outrageous
My nights are haunted by the dead and the living
You are a beacon I always waited for

I’m just a side character in my own story
The heart of someone I know beats for someone else
I’m watching it all unfold from the sidelines
I knew the risk I was taking, I keep telling my heart—
But the weight of my tears feels too heavy to carry
So I let them rain again for you tonight
You have beautifully haunted my life
I thought I was finally going to make you mine

All that you'll leave behind for me are your memories
The legacy of a story that was ill-fated from the beginning
You have somebody else, but my heart still screams your name in silence
Who will I think of when I’m being feasted upon by my ghosts?
Your memories will soon join them—and eat me alive.
I don’t want to be in love again, where the one I love will **** me

those eyes of yours keep hurting me
the same eyes that once made me blush
and comforted me in darkest of my hours
they tell me that you're not mine

those eyes of yours keep tearing me apart
they tell me you're a fantasy i will never get to live
love now seem like a fictional concept
i must write you with my own pen

my sighs were getting too loud
and their echoes haunting the halls,
i was struggling to breathe
and tears rolling down my face,
it is you who stepped in like
how moon shines bright after eclipse,
kissed my tears off like a desert
and leaving after a passionate remark

my face in the ground
and a collar across my neck
i tried to stand up, little by little
but i fell on my knees again

from crying on the thought of you
to struggling for breathe over and over
my face buried in the cold sand
i can't recall your dreamy face

it still happens now and then
but i tell my heart to stop crying
and mind to hatch some plans
you were never mine in the first place

even while writing,
my body cold and pale
my tragedy is i can't recall your face
but my idea of you will never fade

anxiety wrapped around my neck
and hands struggling to free myself
lying on my bed close to the edge
i was struggling to keep my breathe

in the velvet sheets,
where cries turned into moans
and with a single kiss,
i was brought back from the hell

swing of a pendulum speaks to me
in its back and forth motion
it prophesied to be prepared
storm will make landfall again

a golden daylight that you are
pierced through my grayest of the dark
calmed the waves carrying the storm-
that were wrecking my heart

in the darkest of my hours,
when night bleed memories
the thought of you feels like
an emergency aid in the war

a calmest of the people i know
with little to no smile on face
yet you feast upon my demons
and set me free from my chains

unhealthy this obsession of mine
that asks you to use me at your will,
the room is glowing red and-
can hide your imprints on my neck

unhealthy this obsession of mine
to be burned by your touch,
your cigarette against my skin
and its smoke filling up my lungs

unhealthy this obsession of mine
to be deserted and left in ruins
your teeth biting into my skin
not everyone can see love through pain

mark your territory with those cherry lips
make me your altar, a sacred place to worship
mark me yours in places no else been
so bite me, kiss me and love me

i'll be your sitter, as you sculpt a figure of me
naked and alone, for your eyes to feast upon me
too much ecstasy will fill up our red glowing room
as you devour and left me in ruins

beautiful, on the face of mine
when you will make a plea,
in an language only we speak
you hint me to meet by the lake

you walk through the woods
with an lantern in one hand
to jumping into my arms
when we meet at the lake

bats flying across the dead sky
and haunted mansion that whispers our song
may we be the vampires tonight
who stray without any care

hold this hand that longs for your touch
it is you that i want, is it too much?
make a melody using the drums that you beat,
for us to dance under lightning-met-night in secrecy

i want you to bleed my lips
and heal them with a perfect kiss
as a reminder for me to keep living
and then mark me with your bliss

keep beating the drums of my heart that signals your arrival
a little glance from those eyes sends shivers in my body
my mind is now a slave for you, not the kind left in bruise
the sudden urge to touch your face and say i fancy you

how close we would have to become for it to happen?
i would have to declare my love, like a nightingale's song
taking me back in the same boat, of being denied or yes
how cruel our situation is, i lack confidence to tell you

stars had aligned, my savior finally arrived
visions of you clung to my eyes,
months of anticipation and stolen stares
i still haven’t figured out your must-be-lovely name

walking under that purple flowers tree
on the mattress nature laid for us to be
with full of flowers and butterflies flying by
it is the fate’s will to be, to make you mine

invisible strings and the touch of your hand
sparked something in me that floods my eyes
the wind in my world always flows towards you
a sign of arrival, of beacon i imagined

ere this day, my world covered in gray clouds
but now finally turned purple-pink,
the golden daylight pierced through the haze
for once i'll let this sin feeling bloom, that was born in the dark

hold the rope tight, never let go of a safe hand
the journey ahead is far too brutal to make sense
what once seemed fated, shall shatter one's hopes
the idea of love was born from a poet's thought

lover's rose from the ashes to finish their lovelorn stories
heart wrapped in barbed wire yet still beating-
for the one who will break my heart
uncover new truths in each arc

'greatest' is just a title that cannot take away your pain
I saw a pianist, his eyes raging with fire in pain
he had his sleeves rolled up, revealing his veins
playing the piano's ivory keys with passion,
pushing the limits, pouring his heart into melody
only for his fingers to bleed, painting the white keys red

messages sent and unsent
confessions told and untold
heartbroken- and hearts we both broke

your memories linger around like a ghost
I still see your shadows at my door
scores settled and unsettled, you don't matter anymore

pierce through my heart or stab my back
the tattoos have already been scrubbed off
now you don't beat my drums anymore

the pages of my diary hold the memories-
memories of you being cold and warm,
memories of that mysterious smirk,
and the day you deserted me

i unfurled the white flag
and surrendered on my knees
you started this war
and kept on stabbing me

this war is our love affair
illicit from the moment it began
yet, i believed in you and 'this love'
still questioning, whether i regret you or not

Who is to blame here when we both stopped picking up calls?
Is it because the lines that connected us have rusted?
Or is it because we both outgrew each other?

My love for you never ran out, even when I was drowning.
You just stopped sending invitations,
and I stopped writing to you.

Our love was as pure as the kisses you burned into my body,
your name engraved within the depths of my heart.
But we ran out of luck and lost it all

why did it begin in the first place?
and then why, it have to end so early?
it was meant to be another lovelorn story,
a story with arcs developing faster than fiction
everything shattered in the blink of an eye
our first conversation, it was all accidental
and so was our fate- it was tragic and unfair

I have this picture of you—or should I say, I own this picture of you—
that I have kept hidden in my chambers,
neither inside my diary nor within a vault,
but frozen in time within my mind.

It is both painful and lovely to watch,
my lingering feelings keeping me tied to it.
Yet, all it brings me now are memories that ache.

"You're sitting and smiling, posing for a picture,
your eyes concealed behind silver glasses.

the twin flame you ignited
and the stares that burned the air
came out fiercely and declared,
'you're in love,'
only to later pierce my heart,
leaving me with wounds that bleed
until i'm in ashes

Blue were my days and nights
when you would check on me,
with late-night conversations
and your playful words about meetings
Is it the days that I miss, or
is it you whom I long for?
This affair was forsaken from the beginning

Fate played its dirtiest tricks on me,
Made me believe "our" and "us" would mean something,
Only for everything to end in the cruelest way possible
I'm still picking up my broken pieces

I had faith in myself, at least
I decided to follow the path my heart paved
I was mocked by destiny
And was finally brought down from the clouds

"Why can't we exist?" I screamed at the night sky
A lot of big challenges awaited with their schemes
I only thought about my love in that moment,
Unaware of the storm that would take away my dreams

am i worthy to be one of your poems?
i see that you call yourself a poet now?
with difference being we no longer write back to each other

regrets, heartbreaks and the hearts that you broke
you paint those lines with the weight you bore
did your heart ever ache on my thought?

I saw the signs,
but I was in denial
I comforted myself, saying,
"You would never do that,"
as I continued to address my ghosts
But the weight was too much to carry

I saw you disappear at the horizon,
like the stars slowly fading into daylight

I knew I wasn’t right for you,
but all I wanted was simple affection
My heart is too fragile
and continues to face heartbreak
in the adversity of time

I promised myself I would not, I shall not, write about you
But it is my pen that never stopped missing you

As far as my eyes can see,
As far as the light can reach,
I cannot see a glimpse of you
But only in dreams and memories

Your smile lights up my world—
Imagine the power you hold over me
Even after you're gone, you still shine my skies

With time, we have grown apart,
Even cunning fate can't bring us closer
Still, I'm always waiting for you at my shores
The question is, will you set out to sea again?

your name on my lips
once tasted like beautiful poetry
your name on my lips
now tastes like cigarettes
echoes of your laughter,
echoes of your screams—
they tell me to smile,
they tell me to cry
something that started under moonlight
ended beneath dark clouds

You never wanted to hear me out,
neither in the beginning nor in the end
But I stood at your door,
and so you stood your ground
"You never loved me," you mouthed with a stupid face.

I apologized to you as many times
as there are stars in the sky,
but the dark clouds obscured your view,
so my love remained hidden in plain sight
even when I was gone you held your flag above our grave

I took the punches
paying price of my convictions
like a withered rose
my pieces all over this froze
can't resist and can't let you go
I come back even when you bleed my bones

the night sky never looked pretty again,
the stars began to look as if they're staring at me,
while i cursed myself and let the tears rain

that haunting silence of midnight still pulls at my nerves,
a feeling i just can't shake off
years have passed but i'm still stuck in the same paradox

we used to look at the stars
and define our future,
but mine holds darkness- like a void in space

our stars were never meant to align
they distanced themselves,
as far as there is just silence between them

Oh! Behemoth tyrant set her free

From the cage of her plight she’s trapped in,

Fields of coal cannot end the hunger

And rivers of oil cannot quench the parched,

Seas full of the perished and soil lacking air

lungs smoking gun and ash from fire,

he, who must pay the price for the greed

and the crime will bring his demise,

one shall not questions its power

its force will submerge you under water

i could feel your touch even though you are miles away
lost in the thoughts of you and suddenly it’s 4 in the morning
“cigarettes smoke and my black jacket hold,
holds your aroma and our clothes on the floor”
hysterical of me to be this close
i opened my eyes and it’s 12 on the clock
it was a dream, a reverie never to be disclosed
of who it is about but one reader will know for sure

they say, "you're acting all lost",
and i say, "i know!"

every flower field i pass by
turns to gray, and their leaves fall down
the flowers appear as if they're not watered,
everything i touch becomes sick

their colors start to fade away,
my loneliness is making it hard
to see the world without an obscured view
i'm always sorry for my behavior,

i try to love it here,
but the truth is, i don't wan't to stay

in a room full of crowds
i'd still find silence
loneliness has burned into my body
that if it burns, it'll burn me alive
i can't afford to smile, that's how it built me
reeling and crying slowly became a favorite activity

there is no end or trace of this pain
no knowing how it began or when it will end?
it just started, only god knows when,
i kept on ignoring the signs

was it when i was deserted?
or was it when i lost the one i cherished?
there is no end to these tears,
pouring down, blurring my eyes,
like rain on a foggy night

or did it start when hope became evil?
was it when i gave up on my dream?
this pain is here to stay,
to haunt my existence and be my bane

When I speak about the monster,
I speak of the trauma and the pain.
He feeds upon the bones and flesh,
And so, you won’t survive.

He lurks in the shadows
And comes out at midnight.
When your thoughts quicken your heartbeat,
He is a devil in disguise.

First, he lures you into his grand plans,
With late-night conversations with yourself.
Then, he bites the hand that feeds him,
Leaving you numb, with no will to survive.

Even if you ask me, 'how are you?"
I'll say I'm fine, keeping the mask on.
Either I'm scared to tell you,
Or I don't want you to know this pain.

I'm better off without a savior,
At least this disease won't reach you.
You'll be safe, and smile,
Because this heart is under immense gravity.

It'll rip you apart into pieces,
And set me into flames.
You're far better than knowing the truth,
Because this darkness is beyond your control

There is a monster that accompanies him,
In halls, streets, college, it never leaves his side.
Better than the lovers and friends,
But its company brings demise.

He carries the baggage of his own thoughts,
Death always stays by his side.
Made her his closest friend,
Just one wish away for this to end.

The dark passenger is his name,
Death is the ruler in his kingdom.
It breaks or brings any curse,
Negative thoughts prey upon him

You can't see the chains
I'm bound to be doomed.
My feelings, my pain are taking a toll on me,
Keeping me down with a chain around my neck.

I'm sometimes ashamed of what I have become,
"too cruel on yourself", they say, but I know.
Is it supposed to be this hard to grieve?
Grieve the loss of life, dreams, and wishes?

The invisible chains, a devil named "hope," tied me to.
Isn't kind or lovely, and certainly not a gentleman;
It shows its fangs after showing a ray of light.
I can't afford to smile, I'm afraid it'll burn me alive

Walking home, looking up at the sky,
But not keeping my hopes high.
The halls that once echoed happiness,
Now cry in silence and haunt my nights.
Emptiness once felt like a myth,
But now my darkest reality.
All I do is grieve these days,
The pink or green or blue days are now rusty

If I were asked where I want to be,
I'd say I hate this place and life,
Where the choices I made are my bane,
And they shatter me, so I live with this pain.

When I look at the pink sky,
All I can feel is sadness.
Emptiness within me feeds on my body,
Slowly turning me into a zombie.

I hate the way I live; my ideal version is too delicate.

The ineffable beauty of this planet no longer surprises me.
Numbness consumes my space;
I do not wish to be rescued and hope there's no place for me to stay.

You see, I'm an actor.
I'll cheer for you,
While I'm dead on the inside.

I'll write scripts
And put them in action
To prove I'm fine.

It is weary sometimes,
But shows my growth as an actor.

I'll climb the highest of the mountains,
And my tears will rain down to end drought.
And blood will flow like a river.

It's a long road ahead;
I'll learn this time to be fine.

Some days, I want to be left alone,
while on others, I want someone to hold my hand.
Either I walk out of the woods alone,
or I need a light to guide me through this pain.

My ghosts feed upon my thoughts,
even when I assure myself I'll be just fine.
My sighs never forget their true self,
and my heart continues to beat like a drum.

In a pitch-dark room, I sit, broken and unaware.
The future seems too harsh to live in,
and my present doesn't even care.
Either way, I long for the light that can save me.

Is it all in my head?
Or does everyone think of me the same way?
When I stand before a mirror, I want to smile,
But even the mirror forces me to cry.
“you are a failure who couldn’t achieve his dream”—
It screams at my face, telling the truth.

These days, I look miserable and in despair,
So my friend told me, “The mirror is a liar.”
But how can it be a lie, I asked myself,
When I see my face turning gray in the mirror?
A mirror shows our reflection,
And even my mind knows this simple truth.

Memories chained around my neck
That comes to life at midnight
Just like a snake bite with its fangs
Their voices sink their teeth into my skin
Release their poison and absorb a part of me
Then they speak to me: "Kneel to the ground and surrender yourself."
I close my ears, as the deafening silence takes over me

in a corner of my mind
the shattered me sits in utter silence
unable to carry and fly with wind’s pace
the weight on my chest drags me down to same place

even the pills can’t help me calm down
the screams get louder with harrowing memories
the daggers in my chest are hard to remove
every task i face, a mountain hard to move

this dark room, a bottomless pit,
a place in my mind but in motion of free falling
witness to my pain and anxiety I bore,
a feast for the beast that rules in its whole

“you should try hard”, they proposed,
without being aware of the beast the cage holds
nights are haunted by the ghosts of loss
one way of getting out- but life is that cost.

your ghosts keep you awake at night
you hate the nights but are forced to be a nyctophile
night is supposed to be an hour of peace
but something burned rises from the ashes

goodbye came as if it’s always by your side
your eyes rained turning red in pain
but like a warrior, you keep that mask
hiding the painful truth behind that smile

you see yourself as a grown-up version
always trying to bring daylight into the dark
but what can you do in daylight with daylight
when in both hours, demons rule your mind

you carry a dagger stabbed in your heart
but suppress the tears full of guilt and pain
You’re a child of the moon
Light your own world for once