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i’m still at the same place
sitting by the same old lamp
where we penned
a tale, a poem, a song for the ages
while listening to same old music

in void of your voice
and the letters you used to fly
from your place
i’m wishing on every star
for a force to come by and tell me
is it over now or is it an illusion?

my mind is my graveyard
a death place of my happiness
that keeps stabbing daggers
by bringing back memories

i looked up your name
not once, twice or thrice
but thousands of time with my each cry
i see you’re doing good
by locking me in a cage
and throwing away in the sea with the key
leaving me to drown and die
in a dream
one full moon ago
i met a gardener
who lifted my curse
he took all my memories
and planted them as seeds
he then asked, “which to get rid of?”
i took a deep breathe
my hands started to shake
and heart beating like crazy
then i replied,
“stories i painted with my blood as ink”
“ash from their  stick to my skin”
after that,
all my memories grew out as different flowers
each with different, different meanings
he pulled out those memories
“who were ******* my blood and
burning my skin”
then i heard my sister’s yelling
and opened my eyes
only to realize
it was just another dream
that will never come true
I saw a white swan in the pond
Floating carelessly towards its aim
Then I saw myself in the same still water
I always pray for the same serenity
For the years to come in life
But within me
There’s a ravaging storm
Which cannot be helped
Even catharsis fails me sometimes
I try to calm myself breathing in and out
I speak words of wisdom by putting a hand on my chest
But I fail every time and so I end up crying
By raining all the poison out of my eyes
in a never ending dark room
i stand before your memories
the echoes of your laugh
the echoes of your jokes
fill up your void in this room
our mondegreen conversations
led us where I stand
talking to your memories
and tears full of regret
i came across a case like historians
who failed to decipher scripts of old age
i failed to read his mind
who through his actions had put it on display
i failed to read his actions

kept his life locked behind the doors
never letting me in
and knowing
what he was going through
i foolishly
               tagged him
               blamed him
“for ruining our friendship”

the mizpah, the bond that kept us close
broke in an instant
bringing my world to an
“blackout”
my nights turned haunted again
the savior absquatulated me again
my ghosts began to rule over me again
leaving me in a state of despair
the old tale says,
“when the world turns upside down
the savior returns with a new dawn”

the battles that you once lost
will bury in the past
to be re-written as win
the pain that you once bore
will shed this time from your skin
and the love that once died
will bloom this time in a grand return
but I’m here waiting for it at the door
midnight and,
far from my town's bright light
in darkness of sky i find solace
in darkness of sky i seek freedom
i look at the glittery trail of stars
the satellites moving as if stars are racing
the Pleiades looking like a small ursa major
i lay my head on the grass
before fog comes to obscure my view
before its grayness takes all over me
i look at the stars, spot constellations
wishing if i could fly through them
wishing if i could go and visit a planet
wishing if a planet that can carry the weight
the weight of my emotions,
the weight that pulls me down on the ground
there's a freedom in the night sky
meant for dreamers, meant for believers
i want to dream, i want to believe
that i will be fine
midnight, and i run away from the town
to seek freedom in the starry night
5d · 33
Never to be Same
our inimical truths
our baleful words
have torn us apart
i stood for myself
you stood for yourself
i gave you signs
you gave me signs
but fate had other plans
now dark heart is all we have
with all its chambers full of detest
if I come to your door
you won’t open
if you come to my door
i won’t open
so we lost our love
to the hands of our fears
never to come back
never to be same
5d · 45
Woven Memories
looking from my window
down the street
the children's playing cricket
& women's doing shopping
the loud screams of vendors
the loud noises of vehicles
i sit in my room
and watch it all happen
only to remember...
i was like those children's
my mother was like those women's
time pulled its ***** tricks
leaving me to count days alone
and taking my mother with him
far beyond the horizon
where my hands feel short
leaving me with memories
sown in my head
like a cloth woven from wool
5d · 27
A Homeless Heart
you asked me, “how you’re doing?”
while pointing your gun on my head
when you could’ve brought some flowers
and said the same thing “you never felt like that”
i still would’ve forgiven you thinking,
you are still a kid figuring your feelings out
but you’re still in utter disbelief of my love
that crossed seas for you my love

now let me tell you how i am doing
tell you, “what your desertion brought me?”
summer went by without ‘summer love’
and fall full of depression
my eyes rained blood
and fog covered my whole world
with no place to call home
on a little evening walk
lost in my thoughts
wondering what others are up to
while i'm left behind,
crushed with my own thoughts

the sky turned dark
cool breeze begins to flow
peacocks are singing
trees are dancing
clouds are weeping

i'm completely soaked,
not moving at all
dark clouds that heal
i want to drown
to come out alive
5d · 35
Pen as Sword
i drew out my glittery pens
and turned them into swords
ready for the war
against their words and my thoughts

i pen down my feelings
in stories and prose
my ink like cannonballs
aimed at their high forts

not every pen can be turned into sword
not every sword can save you in the war
sometimes wish to be free from living is high
whether its eclipsed or blood moon night.
three summers ago
you appeared out of the mist
showed me love in gray
yet failed to shower color pink

three summers ago
you told me, “I love you”
but deserted me in the end
like I was your another bait

three summers ago
you expressed your affections
i never knew the feeling
now left me behind to feel those feelings

three summers ago
you caged me like a parrot
and I believed it was love
only to find it was heaven at first and hell in the end

dear readers,
don’t get caught in the traps laid
on the name of “heavenly love”
you are worth more than
those promises fake
scars that will hurt
5d · 28
Locked in Tower
adrenaline rush through his veins
beat like a drum races on a highway
shadow dissolved in dark corner of his room
his thoughts has consumed his refuge

lost in the battle against his own fate
lying on the ground, wounded but can’t say
his cry for help never goes out of tower
held captive in cell of his brain
in my periphery
you arrived at my door
with your guns and cannons
i wondered why the uproar?
marched into my house with full force
and aimed your cannons at my door
to destroy my peace and drag me to the sea
the celosia in my garden still flourishing in the war
been through your drought, my undying love
i hate you to your face
but I love you behind your back
my friends called it a “a toxic affair meant to be crushed
either by fate or by your lover’s hand”
on my desk
lays a plan grand
to escape from my town
and live in the valley

waking up to the sound of birds chirping
ending my day with a walk in the evening
at night, sipping tea by the fire
to falling asleep in the arms of my lover

i’ll watch, “trees shedding a part of them in fall”
i’ll watch, fog cover my ground”
i’ll watch, “rain pouring down”
i’ll watch, “green take over again”
and
i’ll watch my inner child heal

words from them won’t hurt anymore
looks from them won’t scare anymore
scars from them will stitch up this time
and they won’t be there anymore
dear september,
tell me, “you’ll be fine”
tell me, “you won’t bleed”
tell me, “your eyes won’t rain”
tell me, “your wounds will heal”
tell me, “you won’t be sad”
tell me, “this month won’t be same”
tell me, “it’s the happiest you’ll be”
tell me, “someone will love you”
tell me, “words won’t be shot at me”
tell me, “memories won’t haunt you”
tell me, “this time will be different”
tell me, “you will make memories”
tell me, “you won’t be deserted”
tell me, “ you won’t be depressed”
tell me, “you’ll be at peace and free”
Staring at the sky, pink-blue
That just cried its eyes out, dark-maroon
Emptiness from the inside, don’t know what to do
Close my eyes or hide inside my room
I cry in veil
As the man cut my wings
The defeat led to my feet
His actions, his words
Still haunts my existence
Should I stay or die?
on a ship wandering on seas
a sea of peoples seeking for peace
i asked them,
“if the ship went down, which flower should they use at my funeral?”
he said lotus
but I said lavender
she said peony
but I said sunflower
out of the crowd someone screamed out,
“use a bouquet”
i asked ‘why?’
he rephrased it and said,
“idiot they all mean recovering and peace”
my firm belief in your words
that i believed it to be true
you played your games
but hid your troops
“i love you”, is what you said
but it lacked the feeling of you
memories i woven on a tangle thread
but you burnt it down with me and you

ashes from your fire reached my crown
and our ill fated love reached oblivion
i tried, you tried and we both screamed at the sky
now that you’re gone, my cries cannot reach to your sky
my friends seek pleasure in my pain
my lover died before the age
my eyes cried in longing of you
searching closure but pain is here to stay
5d · 46
Tomb of Unrest
high rising waves crashing on my tomb
the tomb of stone i built on my grave
a sailor on a sea on a ship with no sail
i carved my story on stones with my nails

in a well where my savior’s hands feel shorter
escaping this town is only way move forward
sun never rises in my forever cold world
peace is something you will long for in my world

so
i’ll try
i’ll fight
i’ll love
and
i’ll die
5d · 25
To Die or Return
in your void
i hear voices
that guide me to places
an escape from my messes

“lift up your gun son
and run to the battleground
seize their cannons
and come back to the town”

enemies on the shore
is back to **** you once more
the death you escaped before
is back mi amore

so the voices said,
“fight like a hero
roar like a hero
die like a hero
or come back like a hero”
like scene in an old cinema
they expect me to let down my guard
to let my fort infiltrate by their soldiers
and execute me like a witch on the holy ground
and if i found someone to count stars with
then i'm to be crushed by your stones?

if i stand up for my belief
if i stand up against a liar
if i stand up against a cheater
if i seek explanation from him
to clear the gray haze that he brought upon me
they imposed the title of "mad woman" upon me

colors are a merry mirage
i speak words true in this hearing before you
sky color is not permanent
leaves color is not permanent
your pink painted sky turned gray again
and leaves green lost their color in fall
pain that still exists in my lips and veins
blood was thick but lighter than my weight
your mornings, my nights
my mornings, your nights
heaven arrived at my door
when you moved by the lake

now under the same daylight
now under the same moonlight
sunflowers I planted point to your place
heaven told me,
“it was fated in the first place”

i wandered through the woods in my head
i drifted on an ocean made of my tears
always in search to find way out of gray haze
and so he painted my sky pink
when he stood by my grave
standing on altar
they said “greatest lovers united”
bejeweled in ‘shiny stones’
later to be thrown back
at me in courtroom

my obscured vision of love
i’m stripped off your ‘lover’ title
how did we get here? My love
from singing together at our wedding
to you playing at my funeral

trying to put back the bricks
that you once threw at me?

realization struck you
when I’m gone
your efforts will go waste
but dear you succeeded in saving your face
your tears of regret won’t dry any sooner
my love wasn’t an illusion
you will share my tears
but I wish you well
and someone who will share those tears
5d · 55
Wait and Weight
birds have nest and they call it home
but you sneak from my back door
in fear of your girl
when you can leave her
and we can build our home

you take the path away from plain sight
you use perfume to hide fragrance of our love
this affair born from match fire
and is burning my skin
tell me is the wait eternal? and
will the weight continue to grow?
5d · 50
Rebekah
loudest was the music from her parties
loudest was her audacity
to come in a town
and challenge the town’s rules
stole neighbor’s dog
and sent a clear message

her degraded reputation
and unnoticed kindness
got her a tag of mad woman
never scared of bringing change
Now a role model
For women in her age
darkness that once I befriended
is pulling its strings and laid down it’s plans
the tales I recited following the shadows
of his and her, my and their life
are being used as a canon
to shatter decomposed walls
who plead me to say “yes”

with every single breeze,
with every single breathe,
i refuse to kneel before defeat
in my cold barren land,
every season feels colder
but I’m looking at horizon
waiting for that summer
to let the dear readers know
“i’m trying not to dissolve in the darkness,
that eternal excruciating peace”
5d · 23
Glassy Heart
Dear readers,
i now recite a tale, a poem,

aviothic wishes, made from the glass
to hang in the hall, where peoples dance
if i rephrase it, i'm a mirroball
i carry the weight of my emotions and thoughts

the moon dancing around blue earth,
a mirroball in the space
shinning bright till the eclipse hit it
i'm fine till the mirroball breaks

i know i'm in pain but i'll still smile
shine like a star that never turns dark
you know,
the star has a work to do,
because down there somebody is looking for
something to look at
to calm their inner storm & be at rest
our long lost love in depths of time
our story like a folk tale
started with a kiss and ended in a torturous goodbye
will passed down in time
to be recited for generations
was never too pure and dark

in my wistoragic periphery,
i saw you come and leaving
i wonder,
what if our mondegreen conversations
never led us to different places?
what if you would've been the one?
the one i would dance with
the one i would host parties with
the one i would sing my songs to
the greatest love of all time in our own movie?
5d · 40
Oblivion's Train
(James)
bid farewell to this town but
search for closure brought me back again
i thought you would wait
was love a joke to you?
"how could you move on?", i asks myself
my sighs louder than the wolves howl at night
seventeen is just a age, i regrets my mistakes
you were my essence, soundtrack to my life
now i see you dancing with him at the ball
the lament in me for our lost love never faded
i always believed you would come back to me

(Betty)
the train didn't stopped and reached oblivion
your ambivalent decision led to our demise
throwing back words at me
saying there were no signs
while i carried the weight
and you had your perfect summer love
an absentee, a cicada your whole life,
now at thirty, you ask me
"how could you? how could you move on?"
i gave you chances after chances
while i was dying from the inside
the pain your betrayal brought me
memories still haunts me at night
i tried talking to darkness
but she felt bored hearing
my missing and crying
after you absquatulated me
the train wheels stopped at a station
and the roads leads to lake harmony
my homestead, the town my memories roots run deep
the air feels fresh while the sun is overhead
walking down the road, it brings me to a house
where a friend of mine once resided
i faded away from her life when i was eight
i try to summon her face but
her haunting childhood flash before my eyes
seven but her abusive father left her traumatized
stranded in an ocean from which she can't swim out

she would sit alone in her room
playing with the dolls wearing her mother's cardigan
and whenever i saw her, she would just smile
all she could wish was to fly high in the sky
too young to know the right steps
i wonder about her whereabouts
and is she fine?
i should've ran away with her
to a place far away from her father's reach
to a place in the mountains
where the cold winter feels like summer
where she would've spent time singing like crazy in valleys
where no one would've dare to hurt her again
Sorry will only pierce another spear in your heart
Forgiveness is all I seek to drown again in your eyes
17, yet torn apart by this lover affair
Wish your friend’s words were her another lie
Slept by her side, never lost your sight
Rusted your summer, visited you in dreams
I feared of him taking you away
I took the wrong step
That led me where I stand
At your porch
At your party
Seeking for forgiveness
Waiting for you
To curse out your anger
Or kiss me again
Your actions speaks louder than words
Your desertion of me this whole summer
Brought me to end of my life
You said you love me but hid her on the side
Traitor and betrayer lack the feeling
To describe your actions
While I was struggling for breathing
Darkness of night became my new friend
Slept alone, telling her our folk tale
I painted in my head
Like an old cardigan one refuses to wear
I carried the weight with spear in my chest dear
I let the porch light turned on
But you showed at my party with another spear
yesterday august knocked at my door
today he is once again here
and asked me if I’m fine
with every week, month, year passing
the time continues to count days dear
since you sail on your ship to seek peace
leaving a part of you engraved in me behind

stole my peace,
pushed me into the storm
who once was oxygen
is now a poison pushing me to grave
never ever before my eyes punctured at night
never ever before i thought of goodbye
i knew the risk i was taking
i knew how it would end
yet i chose to love you for your words
i still do, i fear
in the woods
dances a devil named hope
that is out to get you
it holds a power, so divine
it can set your life in flames
or grow daisies on your grave

do not step on the same steps
do not walk on the safe grounds
it will as you to take risk
give you poison or love potion
to see what it makes of you
5d · 41
Endless Echoes
death accompanied her and me
but i was the one brought back from the sleep
only to sit discomposed in utter silence
stream leaked from my eyes,
like river from a cold glacier
hundreds of wolves eyes,
staring at mine
the leak is old but strong
i cry now and then
as flood of memories
sweeps into my head
5d · 27
Veil of Despair
Death does not comes to me
Even when I pray for it
I’m coward
My body freezed and hands paralysed
In the inside,
My life is torturous and tormenting
On the outside,
I believe there exist a better place for me
I’m stuck between life and death, my view blurry
My soul dead, head full of death wishes
Is it called living?
Walking back home, I take my time
To feel that summer evening
The birds returning to their nests
The sun is glowing red
And the night is one step ahead
The sun’s beautiful reflection in the pond
And the cold breeze that hit me and down to my soul
I stand there in peace and hear the voices of crickets
The serenity I feel in the euphonious tracks of nature
Walking back home, I take my time to
Feel that summer evening
Silence of the night, an invitation to the poet
To discuss the cause, the solitude it screams
Someone is sleeping, someone is weeping
The silence of the night, what could the reason be?

Someone is sleeping, what a happy life
Someone is weeping, a torturous goodbye
For someone to call it night, one needs happiness
A night without happiness, a never ending day of crying in veil
everyone flying high above the clouds
a gasp and i fell on the ground,
my blue ink is now red, glittering with tears
their blue ink fought the great war, the real winners
pain for evermore caused by the dagger,
a dream so grand, an epic defeat
a search party sent into the woods,
i pray now & then to rise
a latibule to reverse the augury
ended up in a chimera
someone set fire to the woods
suffering from asphyxiation
learnt about the twinkling lights in the sky
learnt about the script that was never mine
i dreamed to be so high, stargazer is just a word now
my dream shattered, i cried
an excruciating pain
A month named after Maia
A transition from spring to summer
24 rotations on its axis
19 circles round the Sun
A boy born, his future uncertain
Years of hardship, keep enduring pain
Heart shattered at 16,
And haven’t recovered from the loss
Her body cremated and ashes in the river
Never got a chance to bid farewell
Turned 17, oh what a miserable life
School life turned to hell, full of rumors and lies
At 18, graduated from school
His efforts and work never came to ripe
I hope you’re okay on this fine Friday
Accept my regards as this poet turns 19
Cause I haven’t given up yet
I penned this poem for my birthday when i turned 19, which was on 24 may.
death came from rattle snakes
build a fort just to dig his grave
air became thinner inside
with every single inhale
mesmerized by the good feeling
his obscured vision of love
couldn’t differ between words or places
memories that still haunt him at dawn

one common bite and 100 different faces
excruciating pain and smile on their faces
black dahlia flourished in my rose garden
my eyes rained, someone punctured the cloud
scandals that can ruin lives, lies that can take lives
a friend is not a friend of yours
beware of those snakes
who befriend you and **** your soul
i feel tortured in winter, the fog  reminds me of good times
when my gray world turned to blue
i feel tortured in autumn, a season spent missing someone
a total love blackout
i feel tortured in summer, a summer meant to be full of love
turned to gray
i feel tortured to see rain, it reminds me of weeping nights
and when i was in pain
a tortured poet and his tortured seasons
a tortured poet forced to be tortured by torturous peoples
because of their torturous sin
a question why did i associated my memories
and made my seasons tortured?
i'm not declaring myself as a tortured poet.
5d · 37
Solace Seeker
darkness dark the dark storm
my solace disappeared in that storm
one, two, three, I counted days and nights
lavish emotions, I cannot afford to feel
cactus grew out instead of rose
rush of emotions, I never felt before

my thousand white tulips, turned to a thousand red rose
clouds cleared and baby blue sky
in aeon, I felt at ease in that storm,
i fought my fear and my ghosts
dear gentle reader’s, go out and have fun
the summer is here, go visit a bookstore
feel the zephyr as it touches your face
when sun is up high and
swan’s playful game in the lake
sit by the lake with poetry in one hand
watch ladybug climb up your hand
lay down your head on the green grass
watch the paintings that tree shadow paints
forget your tiring efforts, make new memories
drops full of anger, guilt and betrayal pouring down
from my eyes like rain in a sleepless night
soaked in blood and it’s stains on my gray shirt
two daggers stabbed at the same spot
their existence in my words and work
but for them I’m just a mirage,
a pseudo reflection of life in a dead desert
a hand to pull them out of it, a toy to be pushed into it
a ecosystem flourishing in peace but burnt down by fire one night
my quill, my papers untouched for a time,
lived in an illusion, a lie, that unforgivable sin
standing on a cliff, waving at the ship
drought hit eyes, a sorrow ending
happiness in goodbye, never destined
lessons learned, pages turned
a new chapter waiting for his return
five steps back and five steps forward
amorous story and remergence
5d · 68
Sad Amorist
i am a sad amorist
who seeks to understand the love songs of the bird
the stories, the notes they sing that are open
but less understood at the same time
a deluge of emotions that leaks a stream from my eyes

i am a sad amorist
who seeks to look for the storm in the silence of a river
the tranquility that seems to exist but not at heart                                                           
obliviousness of the age, my dreams torn apart
verses dipped in gray ink
his blue sky failed to turn pink
color changed faster than light
love in gray his soul screams
moon obscured by the fog
he dreamed of anastolic dreams

tattoos are hard to get off
his mind made him a slave
refused to burn in that fire
he decided to stay at same place
wishing on that wishful star
he burned his pride and let his tears rain

picked like a flower in the storm
by tyrant monsters like it's a fun game
hurt his pride, and took his crown
his days never saw daylight
in that dark haze brought by the storm
search for a beacon came to an end

live as an alien in his own town
in void of someone,  he couldn't lift up his quill
blood moon and screams in his head
pain and bruises stuck under his skin
parted ways when times were rough
his quietude and joy's eclipse

— The End —