Looking back on the past year
I see so much pain
and so much healing.
I see so much resilance and strength
and so much cruelty
from so horrific men
that I met
when I craved love like a drug
and used the sx as an addiction.
I wish I could share my stories
but they are too graphic even for my mind
all I know is there are so many reasons
why I hate so many men
it hasn't come because I have wanted
Today  all I wanted to   do is cut off my *******
because it feels so hard
to live in this curvy body
a reminder of my pain
every single day
the feeling of objectifiation
from  men
but than craving it
a vicious cycle .

I wish for world peace for
equality in humanity.
But for now I focus on healing myself
because I don't know if i can do much else.

It seems this week all I have done
is cry cry cry
loudly quietly
for hours
on and off
like tears dripping down
off window panes
like rain on cloudy nights
maybe that's why I always felt alone
with my pain,
in the rain .

Its like when the world cries
I feel at home
when there was chaous around me
I felt all right
I am healing
but deep within this
is the pain
that I have never grieved,
and **** is it deep
the pain
of never truly being loved
by my family,
the pain of  the holidays
growing up,
of the constant yelling
and feelings of rejection that I carried
with me,
from my parent's silent and loud pains
from the fact that I can't talk to my family or my old friends anymore
because they weren't ever truly kind for me or too me
and now especially now with this pain
I can't handle them
the pain of craving
people and relationships so deeply
but I just sit there quietly numb
in pain
laughing hiding concealing
making sure not to share too much
because it would show my" darkness"
that gets me swept away in it
to lie and tell others
"yes I have family  to go to for this
Rosh hashana ".
when really
I HAVE NOONE!

To lie about me and who I am
because I fear many don't want to know
and I have learnt to share my real truth,
when I know that I can trust.
It just feels inauthentic to me,
but I need protection.

Truth is
I give off a tough exterior
with my tough eyes
and piercing stares,

But really inside
I am a deeply soft
deeply feeling loving
and kind deeply hurting person
who feels that these things are not really seen
in this world,
at large
and this is why most of the time
I save my tears for private
and while I sometimes dance in public
most of the time
I glare and stare
instead of smile .

I have this calling from the depths of my soul
in my heart
I cry
I want my mommy!!
but when i think back to my own mom
i shudder
i would never wanna be in her cruel arms again
and than it hits me
I want that safe place of home
when I see the little ones in my nursery
with their parents
it pinches the pain so deep within me
the essence of me
that when I tap in
she's just bunched up in a ball
crying sobbing on the floor
wanting longing
a longing so deep
that it never goes away
that no matter how much life tried to break me
I always got up
rose up
and kept on pushing harder
the amount of chronic illness and pain
and suffering that i have endured
since i was a child
is so much
and honestly it still feels so so hard
it seems all i do is cry
and ball
I saw some videos on the news today
of these boys beating a child
and I thought its horrific but doesn't suprise me
I have seen so many shades of the horrific cruelty of this world
I always say the fact that I am alive
is literally a miracle
because the low places I've been to in my life
are so horrific it hurts to talk about
so taboo
that people shudder from it
I think that if we talk about taboos more
in safe places
they would happen less
and the ones who are crying in pain
endlessly for years
would get help faster
that's what I would tell my younger self
that "who you are is a miracle
and even though today and the past few days
I felt like I wanted to **** myself again...
I took a deep breath
looked at the beautiful pieces in my life
and worked on healing myself
and loving myself
in my pain,
in my so called "darkness"
this girl
told me that I have a darkness to me
I guess to others
being dark
means being real
means having big emotions
I see my big emotions as treasures
I feel like I can experience so much more joy
because of the levels of pain
I have had in my life
sometimes emerging from the fires of life
is painful
but its still beautiful.
i got a fake tattoo of a dragonfly today
which told me to enjoy the small moments
of when I look into a child's eyes
and they teach me about presence
about joy
about the joy
of just living of just being alive
I am working towards that
of just loving being alive
because for far too long
and still now at times
I hate being alive
but I wanna love it
sometimes,
for I still believe hope
is the most powerful
but daunting  at times but beautiful
thing on this planet earth.

I went out without wearing makeup
without feeling the need to constantly
check myself for perfection
and I ask myself
why can't woman
just be allowed to be human?
Why do we have to shave to
look perfect the whole time
to birth children
and still be expected to always function perfectly
why are our bodies constantly  taxed objectified
in **** movies music and in so many relationships
why do we have to wear makeup
to disguise our beautiful
so called imperfections
that are just so human
why are we fed lies so often
that we must shrink our bodies
our pain
and laugh off our abuse
our rapes our ****** abuse
our ****** assaults
why do we have to always say but its not everyone
its implied
why can't we just be allowed to walk home
without always feeling cautious
why cant we go to parties alone
why can't we just live alive
in our beautiful bodies
and not be hated.
I can't wait for the men to heal
and for the women to heal and
that maybe one day
the world can be a better and safer
place for us
and for all of the future woman
all I know is
the amount of violence that exists
makes me so so angry and so hurt
I wanna turn away
I wanna look away
but I can't because its my own face
staring back at me
begging me to tell our story
begging me to feel my anger
my anger at all the men
that made so many aspects of my life
very messed up for a very long time
that I still cry about every single **** day
of my life
for a very long time
and I when I didn't cry
I drank I numbed
for the pain
that I felt  
for the shudders
I felt in my body
when I felt the men objectify me
abuse me  use me violate me
hurt me in the worst ways possible ,
it is  a pain no human should ever experience.

For in my religion
it is taught
that women are blamed for everything
for every **** thing
and still we must be submissive
and they tell me" that this is life".

No I always yelled
it seems like slavery,
so I yelled I fought with my voice,
just to be woken up to see the non religious world ,
a pretty bad place as well .
So I guess this is my silent but loud cry.

I sit in the chair across from her
and I shake
violently
while recalling trauma
she reminds me to breathe
as I start to cry
she tells me how brave I am
but I am still trying to see it in myself
the journey of healing
of crying every single day
many times for hours
crying tears puddles of mascara
all over my sheets
my dolls
my hair
my eyes
tears of bravery of so much pain
that was never expressed
I shake out my trauma my pain
and I let it go finally
I get to breathe and allow myself to
just live breathe
and to slowly know
that it is okay to just live
that I can really just be okay.

There it left me
shredded
bleeding
sinning
not thin like you wanted me to be anymore
not quiet like you commanded me to be
not submissive anymore
coming more into me more
and if i am the sinner in your eyes
than so be it
but no matter
how much you try you can't ever erase me
from your world
for
I am your first born daughter
the truth teller
the scapegoat
I was the golden child
at one point
too.

But I saw the truth lying there
and I left
Tredged my feet to move 6000 miles away
from the hell on earth
sometimes like days like  today,
I cry so much about it
for had I stayed in america
my life would've been so different
I am lucky
I am able to look back on my blessings
Admist deep darkness
and I am learning how to find the me
beyond the addictions the pain
the numbness
and to give grace
that I am clean
and that I am working towards
the best things for me
the past serves as a reminder
but it doesn't need to define us anymore.

And with that she slips on her heels
dances with glee
and dissapears into the moonlight.

Its like suddenly
I'm crying
I'm crying for the girl
who gave all her love
out on a platter
to her brothers
to her parents
to her friends
but they never gave it back to me.

suddenly I'm four again
and I'm sitting on my floor
eyes wide open with amusement
staring at the mold cracks in my walls
and ceiling
at the green peeling paint
and the lady bugs crawling through
one lands on me as  I squeal in delight
in so much joy
I think that was one moment of joy in my childhood
that I can recall amongst a few.

I seem to be remembering
so many things
and not how I wanted to remember them,
in sugar coated ways.

To try to numb out the deep pain
but to actually remember
the pain,
as it hits me like knives in the back.

Maybe that's why till this day
my back and my entire body
aches with pain,

as if remembering all of the times
she was left,
alone abandoned
rejected hurt
cast aside
abused and mutilated
just for trying to be alive.

Remembering the times
that playtime
was used as torture and pain
and seemingly innocent things
were twisted feteshized
and sexualized,

for so long
I wanted to be a boy
but it wasn't because I wanted to be one,
I was very happy and content in my girly ways and things
it was because of living under so much oppression
garnered by so many men and abusive women
who also garnered oppression and misogyny
was so deep ,
that the self that I was,
wanted to be dead
rather than live alive.

But now I am choosing
to slowly and painfully,
choose to love myself even
if its a tiny tiny sliver of love,
admist the shrouds of pain.

I am trying gasping
Admist my addictions,
to love myself,
and not shame myself any longer
just for being me.