I've lost myself in search of you
Your words keep me up at night
Looking at my phone, wondering why I'm not enough
I never wanted to give you a chance
But my friends convinced me to, so I did
and for a while it was good, golden
We became close fast.
Fast forward two months at a party
We're all drunk and you won't leave me alone
Your words echo in my ears
"Im only your friend cause you are friends with _"
I'm trapped, you tell everyone near us the same story
I shut down, I don't want to cry, I didn't like you to begin with
So why do I care so much
I don't talk to you the following days, I need to get away from college
I go home, my friends yell at you, you apologize?
'cause after all you were "blacked out"
you don't remember saying it, but I remember ever detail
I can't hold a grudge so I take your lame excuse and tell you we're fine.
two weeks later you want to hang out, I'm bored so why not
You come to my room and now my favorite movie I can't stand to watch
But, I stay your friend, I can't explain why
I should hate you, but I can't
Semester break comes and goes with nothing but a few words spoken over the entire month
"are we good"
"why wouldn't we be?"
After all you let him in your room
You invited him in
You never said no
It all goes silent
First party back you black out
The next day your friends tell you how he was holding your hand,
Kissing your neck, and telling you, you can fix him
I hate him, but I don't
I want to fix him, but that's not my job
I'm barely 18, he's 20
I avoid him for weeks scared of what he might say
But next time we talk he says he was "blacked out"
It's starting to sound over used with him
but here we are six months after we first met and I still can't hate him

I hate you,
I hate your crooked smile, imperfect teeth
I hate the way you lie,
I hate when you black out and use it as an excuse,
I hate when you talk to me, but I hate it more when you don't
I hate your reputation
I hate the way your kiss lingered on my lips,
I hate what you think of me
I hate how you make me feel
I hate that for months I was the first text, first call, first snap when you'd get drunk
I hate that you used me, and that I used you
I hate that I knew you were bad from the beginning
I hate it more that I never listened,
I hate that you said you were sober, so I let you in my room
I hate that you know the most vulnerable parts of me
I hate that you touched my skin
I hate that you know this is about you
I hate that I liked you
Most of all, I hate that I ever gave you a chance
but I still can't stay away

It's weird to think that I am you
and you are me
we may not live the same life
or like the same things
but I am you
and you are me

It's weird to imagine how you
wish upon the same star that I do
but we wish for different things
I wish for a fulfilled life
a family
a future
I have no way of knowing what you wish for
but still, I am you
and you are me

It's weird to think that you have grown so much
from where I am today
I look back 6 years from now,
and I don't recognize myself
Is it the same when you think of who I am today
no matter how different we may seem
I am you
and you are me

We've all imagined
Wedding dresses and vails
growing up
losing our pig-tails and overalls
trading them in for
beach waves and crop tops
only for the person in our
Reflection
to turn into a complete
s t r a n g e r

staring blank faced at a girl you can't recognize anymore
drawing imaginary lines on our bodies with our eyes
cutting away the imperfections with
our hands shaped as
scissors,

wishing
we could look like
the models in the magazines
or
the actresses on the tv screens
But, society tells us
we can Never be
Skinny
enough
Never be
Pretty
enough
That our features will
NEVER
be
Good
e n o u g h

Because the girl in the mirror who has lost all hope
can Never amount to
what we have been taught from the time we could
walk and talk
what beautiful is;

We went from carefree children
to teens who are
depressed and anxious
all the time
most of us addicted to Nicotine and Alcohol
our parents tell us to smile and quit with the attitudes
but behind closed doors we criticize ourselves
enough

The little girl in her pigtails
playing with everyone on the playground
so innocent
so pure
get labeled as a racist
in the 6th grade because her skin is white

By the time she enters high school
she knows better than to state an opinion,
the teachers know Best,
never stand up to a man,
he's superior to you,
even when behind the closed doors
he touches you when you say STOP
but you know better than to say something
cause you had to have wanted it,
take it as a compliment,
it just means you're pretty

if you say anything you'll be labeled as a
W h o r e
if you keep quiet it's an invitation for
M o r e

people asking
"why do you flinch at a simple touch?"
how do you explain years of torment to a complete
s t r a n g e r,
you don't, you smile and act dumb

pretty is a vocabulary word to describe anyone
but the girl that is seen in the mirror
because she is
Not
Good
e n o u g h
and she knows that

she has lost friends cause she can't trust them

she changes her style monthly

trying sooo hard just to be
accepted
she doesn't remember
the little girl in pigtails,
she doesn't remember
what a real smile looks like,
the pain behind her eyes
c l o u d s
her reality
the voice in her head telling her
"you're eating too much"
"you're an idiot"
"you'll never amount to anything"
and she
s     l     o     w     l    y
fades away
til there is nothing left
to put back together
cause her mind and heart are
s c   a   t t e  r e     d
aimlessly
shes numb and she
thinks, this is what happiness feels like
no more pain
no more criticizing
No, more
pretending to be okay

The Words That Broke me to Rubble

The mountains I once said I would climb for you,
Have come crashing down
You are that one who caused it to ignite
The dynamite that turned stone to ash
The words that would sarenate me,
now drive daggers through all who are gullible enough to listen
Your words broke me to rubble
Your gaze broke my heart
Your touch shattered my skin
The mountains I once said I would climb for you,
Have come crashing down
And there is no one at the bottom to save me from hitting the ground

I'm here sitting
alone,
the smell of coffee runs through
my veins,
some music I probably will forget
playing in the background
In a few years I'll be arguing with
the thought of you,

But I'm here,
I am here,
writing about what's happening

pretty boring right?

I call myself a poet
but I can't use simple metaphors,

I call myself a poet
but I can't describe exactly
how you make me feel

I call myself a poet
BUt I'm not so...
what am I?

I'm just a kid
scared of life and the dark
finding new ways to cope
searching for someone to love,
desperate,
not holding unto my dreams
how can I choose with my mind
what's right for the heart to choose.

And you see?
Don't you see?

don't worry I can't see it either

I can't see how I am
I can't see how other people see me
I wish I could.

I want to believe this was a dream
or
a nightmare at that.

But at last.
I'm here wishing that in another life
I could be with you,
or
maybe in other deaths,

I wish to be there
I wish to see what I can't
with coffee waking up my senses
like a kid in summer waking up early
to go play with his friends.

I wish things were different,
so I wouldn't have to wish anymore