The depression hits like a Mac truck
The vision of you once left me star struck
At one moment I use to become nervous
But it ends in shambles and I know you’ve heard this

Now I won’t lift my head when you walk by
And to face my essence you don’t dare try
Its not like I felt it in my chest
Its just you did things unlike the rest
And I didn’t miss the emotions but the feeling
The feeling of my dominant side nealing
I shouldn’t let go from one day
But I missed how it felt to be looked at a certain way
I missed the warmth of a body
But continue to treat emotions like a hobby
Only in it for the attention
But to learn you emotionally is something my core Never fails to mention
I yearn to be close
And it may seems like I want relations to most
Regardless of how much I press the feelings away I still manage a way to become distressed
And now my eye lids hang low in the day and I clench my pillow at night because my heart doesn’t know how to let go of the stress
You mean nothing to me but you wouldn’t even face my way
You mean nothing to me but my aura cringed in dismay
But it always ends up like this right
It goes wrong I don’t know why
I lay in the darkness until my sadness drifts me off to sleep into the night
My body my body I refuse to give
But to be submissive in my actions may be a part I can’t relive
Skin to skin yearning to feel comfortable with someone
****** up and now the walk back has me being the dumb one
And now I know not only to block of my feelings
But to let no one in regardless of the size of the dealings
I don’t know why it hurts because for you I don’t care
But maybe because in your eyes I understand how you became aware
Aware of my presence my name
And how from the beginning you moved like a lame
Maybe im weird cause I don’t just wanna ****
But thinking about laying in your arms leaves me stuck
Thinking about how you tasted like the sweetest nothing
your fingers to my lips like sweet serotonin sips
If I lie say im bluffing
And how I remember the small details like looking in your eyes
Or when our lips collide
Your face was so intune with your lids closed
With a emotion plastered on your face I can’t explain but wish I could hold
Maybe I look too deep into expression
Cause what I want it seems like in never gettin
Im tying not to be the bitter *****
But in the simulation there’s got to be a glitch
I told you I don’t do this
Im not use to this
To show you physical and hold you I guess  is my only usefulness
Im so much more in my intimacy
Its so much more that was sent in me
How you don’t want to hurt feelings but don’t think before you speak
And only cease when your interest peaks  
I fool my self thinking one time once day it could be different
Like I don’t peep the actions or intent
Here’s to never getting it right
Even when I don’t  want relations in sight
Here to looking like a fool
Each action I look to and ridicule
Cheers to the bottle I constantly fill but never open
But to tame it here and now this is my only notion

Time
Passing time
Each time I see you the feeling becomes more sublime
Im afraid when I think I won’t see you having to rely on the images in my mind
How could I feel this way
on the topic of emotions there was nothing to say
All about what I feel
Through trials and tribulations and I have to heal
All on how all I do is confuse
To your inner being I don’t want to abuse
You don’t deserve
All the things I preserve
And each day I continue to play the fool
And seeing you it adds more fuel
On how I cant contain myself when you walk in the room
To only wish I could sweep my emotions up like a broom
Im conflicted
Contradicted
Because you say
Then act a way
My mind goes astray
The tension could make me cry today

Fear of everything
Fear of nothing
To say I’m on the fence I’d be bluffing
Maybe I should let it go entirely in its fullness
And not have a type to rule with
I wanna break down and cry
If I tried to express it to someone they’d look at me in confusion and wonder why
People see my emotions
Cause I wear them on a sleeve
And one gaze of my eyes makes the notion simple to receive
I hate my self sabotage
No matter how I go about it with my old tactics I try to dodge
It’s so hard to let anyone in
To let anyone know
And the reason I am the way I am now
Cause I never open up which leaves no room to grow
I scared to take next steps but I don’t know how to say
I’m scared to show affection besides just saying I care only to end up feeling a way
I’m terrified to let someone love me let alone like me
I’ll always find a way to **** yo the situation
And then end up with feelings of invalidation
Praying no one walks in to catch me with my head down
And my eyes low which to others is worst than I frown
I wish I brought my sidekick the ones who never let me down
The perks the Xans the oxys the drift me to a place of no sound
No frown
No fervor on the ground
If you could hear a heart break
How loud would you have ached
How SHOOKEn would the surrounding party be out of their state
How would I soothe knowing it’s too late
I’m sick
but you know you knew
The things you think are only in your head
Do become true
As if you could ever be that important
A untypical mess is your assortment
You never give anyone the space you see you any more than difficult
Love to you the creature is mythical

What are you sorry for
Why do you apologize
It’s not like you’ll see me cry
Just the disconnected look in my eyes
Open for all to get it off your chest
In which you’ll never understand my distress
It takes so long to let go what I feel for a person
The more I see you or the more I go without it tends to worsen
Of how I see you and cherish the moment
And think of the moment as if I could own it
Of me being open to you
Of me being vulnerable instead of blue
Of all the time I wish we could spend
But it’s my fault this is in the state it’s in

Here we go again
A cycle that at this point has to be a type of emotional sin
As my sub conscious can’t seem to let go
This the part right here we hate the most
As we say different person same reaction
It hits the most when in the stage of retraction
Myself to blame can’t I control my actions

Self sabotage
In each situation no matter how I dodge
With the invalidation of my feelings
And no one knowing truly how I’m dealing
Because I can’t articulate my words
And speak them in ways that can be simply heard
All I can do is harbor on them
And bring them to the brim
Of what it’s intended to mean
It’s not what it seems
On the fence off the fence
Sometimes in between
I want you but certain things turn me away
Certain things that bring my past at bay
It’s impossible for you to look at me separate from body
And to be in my chest everyone looks at me oddly
But no one understands
And I want you to understand
No one just wants me learn me a person
And the more I try to explain the more the words worsen
Because I know that not the case
Always think of the things you say
The good the bad and how I over think them anyway

Go ahead
hold me a little longer
than usual.
You say to me,
without using any
words at all,
"it should have been me,
its still me."
Like i don't already see
those sky blue eyes
every time i close my own.
Because we're still holding
on to god knows what.
Because it is you
and it will always be you.