You take me to the woods to kiss me
it's there I realize there's no spark, no light in the collide of our lips
just mindless, emotionless kissing
I could see it on your face
you didn't stay the night as I earlier
and no longer wished you would
I collapse on the sofa and watch as you shift in reverse out of the driveway

You should leave, but I'll ask you to stay
and you will.

You love then hide
like rise and tide.
Go on
protect your pride, just know I tried.

We’ve been communicating
between the lines,
For far, far too long.

It’s only wrong
if you let it be.

I will finally catch some sleep knowing you're not mine to keep.

How am I breathing if I’m under water?
A theme well known by the youngest daughter.
Casual thoughts of ending it all
I fall, to stand back up then fall.

His lips designed
to sweeten my poor name,
I find him gone
as quickly as he came.
Could it be that he, dear he
Takes pleasure in my pain.

He said “If only you knew..”
We should have left it at that

Why do I believe you
Every time you say 
Be there soon
When we both know you'll show up after midnight
And leave before noon.

There is no amount of daydreaming or touching myself that can satisfy the things I want.
When I wake, the bittersweet frustration seem to bounce off every nerve in my body.
Please tell me my lover exists somewhere more tangible than my dreams.

Again, I’ve betrayed myself.
I gave him what he wanted.
I wish everything was all he wanted from me.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

In public
We don’t talk
But tonight
He only speaks in lust

Without alcohol,
It's hard to numb the thought
That I might not ever write as authentically
As I did when I was drunk.

It would be easy to give you all I have,
I know you'd give me what you could.
But there will always be something inside of you, that I never quite understood.
You can par with who you were
and I'll only see who you are.
I won't judge you for what you did
If you won't judge me for what I'll do.

Even with your fingers twisted around my neck I'm convinced everything's alright. You forget to water my flowers,
and my ears never meet the words I want to hear.
Instead these pretty little things fill their place.
While your sand paper hands slither down my back
I kiss your face.

I believe you and I
don’t need to be more
then just this moment.

All at once
My ancestors,
My gut,
My dreams,
My intuition,
My health,
And everything in between my ears
Were screaming at me to leave.
I fell ill for the entirety of our relationship,
I should have taken that as a sign sooner.

It's habitual, your love is like a ritual
often feeling unrequited
my love is so one sided
can't say I ever minded though cause at the end of the day once you've hit the hay and gone to sleep, I lay up reminded to really love myself deep because nobody can keep myself like me
and no one will love you true quite like you

From what metaphoric spark                      
Is one another possible?

I tend to get rowdy so tell your men to watch their mouth when they're around me

I like your body in the daytime
silhouette at my door
I like your body at night time memorizing it's anatomy on my floor.
I like your body in the morning, holding my hips as I gaze down at your face.
I like your body
any hour
any day.
I'll fall in like with your body while you make more than my breath race.
I'll be in love with your body while mine lay sore.
You only like my body when asking for more.

I ruined my socks for you.

Your back lied upon my floor
my head lied upon your chest
through my right ear I hear your heartbeat
"an illusion?" I ask my self now
couldn't be.
I felt your pulse thumping to the rate of our pace.
lying alone on my bedroom floor
like me,
my eyes fall
they shut to envision your face

His touch was cheap.

I think I preferred you being a fantasy.

He reminds me of the whiskey I used to drink.

Surely this is not what I got sober for.

In jokes we take little too far
in games we shouldn't play
between glances that say too much
and hugs that last no time at all
in messages you send while you're still driving home from mine
in excuses just to make a memory that we will forget by thirty five
Its a game we play and we know how it ends but we keep drawing new cards because we want the other to win.

I hope you hear this once it’s over
just like us when I got sober.
Back when all you did was react
and you wouldn’t face the facts
But you couldn’t understand
what I was going through back then
and every time I would explain
you would run the other way
every time you turned to leave
I was begging you to stay
always praying just to hear
something you would never say

Tried to drink away the pain
but it all remained the same
I had to shed a lot of shame
I held on to everything.
You thought addiction was a game
and I was choosing to play.
Didn’t see me try to stop every single ******* day?
Do you think it was fun for me living that way?
waste away my life,
you really want that in a wife?

I’m sorry I had to leave
your lifestyle wasn’t for me,
or maybe it’s that it was
but you don’t know what does
to someone who’s so ****** up
they won’t stop when they should.
So they keep on steady drinking
just to drown what they are thinking
cause they feel misunderstood.

I’m so glad you’ll never get it.
I’m so glad you’re not an addict.
If you were I bet you’d understand
everything that had happened,
like why I was so attached.
Why I never let you leave,
I was so afraid you were planning to up
and just abandon me.

I'd rather regret something that I did do,
than something that I didn’t.

Today Leonardo drew a perfect circle freehand,
it was pretty rad.

2013.
I know it's only my mind contouring his mouth into a smile and when I turn to walk away the velcro on his lips part; words like a choke-chain. But he has lyrics that remind him of somebody else etched into his hands, and she'll always be part of the plan.
He hums her song into my throat and we both pretend I don't understand.

2022

I know its only my mind conturing these memories
into a highlight reel
And when I think I have healed, once more I unfold.
But I have words he spoke etched deeply in the fibre of my soul.
I always thought he would be part of the plan.
He doesn’t sing for me and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts,
But I understand.

He told me his favorite part of summer was my hair dancing circles on his face.
He loved to gather all three feet of my locks in his hand and raise it up to toast the wind; each strand ricocheting off invisible corners of the air.
He never minded getting his fingers caught in tangles.
Twice I let him cut the elastic binding of my hair tie
just to see it all fall down my body.

I stood calm and sober starring into an unfamiliar bathroom mirror as I made his favorite part of summer fall into piles around my feet.