I'm sorry.
After all the time we had together, I suppose
You must have got bored.
It's ironic
You telling me people got bored of you.
Then turning around and dishing the same injustice out to undeserving people.
To me.
Ignoring my texts and calls
Giving pathetic excuses no one believes.
Not even you.
Right?
Yes, I know I'm right
So the cycle ends here.
I'm giving up.
No more tears
No more years
I'm not going to wait up for you anymore.
Every three months another part of me falls for you
Then you rip my heart out and leave, taking it with you.
I hate who I am without you, but I can't stand you anymore
Or rather your absence.
No,
     I'm not sorry
Tomorrow will be a new day
A dark day, but I will welcome the peace with open arms.

It must be wrong.
What I'm feeling
     Loneliness is just another ploy for attention
It's wrong to want to have you around
Or anyone.
It's selfish if I just want to die and forget about
     Everything.
You ask, I'll give.
I ask
     I will be beaten down.
I understand now
That it is selfish to think of anyone but
     Everyone else.

Despair within me grows like a tree by the water.
Be okay on the outside
Because I am. I'm "okay" to the people
Nothing physical yet.
In fact nothing left.
I am alone in this cruel world.
I talk but no one listens.
And when they do, I get laughed at.
Depression? they say, your just sad right now, it will go away.
But it doesn't, lurking around every corner, creeping after me in my own body and mind.
So I don't speak. Not anymore
Expect nothing and feel no pain when the pain comes again.
Silence within me like a cancer grows.
Silence to meet silence

It's back again.
That feeling of hopelessness
Loneliness
Fear
Anxiety
To sum it up depression.
It comes, and it goes
But it's mostly here to stay
Finding a way in through the defenses I've built to keep everyone and everything out

Does anyone know what it really is to be alone
Surrounded by people yet
Totally.
Completely.
Alone.
Those of us who are alone wait in the Dark for someone to pay attention and care
Even when we don't, we want someone to care if we fade away like clouds in the open sky
No one wants to be alone
Even when they ask you to leave them be
They don't want to be alone, least of all me

Words float like lilypads on the pond
Sounds, like the unheard cries of the world
The images I draw portray the joy that I wish to feel
The final happiness like a tease.
Just out of my reach
Soon I will be free.
Soon.

My silent scream for help, gone unnoticed yet again.
Joy is the many knives of Julius Ceasar
Stabbing me in the back
I wait for someone to notice, that I'm not okay, I don't know how to be
Does anyone know that sometimes, I don't want to always be the one to start the one way conversation?
Asking, "How was your day?" When the underlying pain says "Help me. I don't want to be alone so talk to me every once in a while"
Every time I get no reply wondering if they are still alive, or if they simply don't like me.
Silent Tears running down my face at the end of every night, reminding me of the losses of the day.
Silent Tears to mark the end of the day, and the start of a new pain