The lover of my beloved
Our chests move in time
Your steady breathing next to me
I slept better next to you,
My dear friend,
Than I have in weeks.
How I adore the love we share,
The talks and secret understandings
Please come back to me,
Kiss him for me,
Hold me close,
Share my tears,
Be here.

Cold shoulder,
Sleepy grumble.
A berate about the sheets,
A tough act.
You seem so dominating,
I love to see you soft.
Kissing the backs of my hands,
Pressing to my forehead.
Whimpers with my hands in your hair,
Tongue so eagerly licking into my mouth.
You worship me.
And I adore you

You are my best friend,
My other half,
My favorite Puzzle Piece.
You are summer nights and fair rides
You are watching video games,
Making potions,
reassurances.
You are love

I am exhausting.
The evidence is in my mother's eyes,
The tensing of shoulders when I call my partner pretty,
The tortured yes when I ask to see my friends,
The disappointed sigh when I am excited about books and movies.
It's in my father's voice when he asks about my faith
when they ask why I can't just be content.
It's in the way I hear them argue about me,
It is in the way I am never enough until I am too much,
Never enough to convince my father to go to therapy,
Never enough to be the one protected from books,
Never enough to be believed,
And then I am too much,
Drowning everyone around me,
Selfish, dark, a ruiner,
Screaming to be cared for,
Screaming to be listened to.
I stopped asking, I stopped showing my want
Tugging knees to myself to be less,
Sparing cash and care when I'm broke and tired,
And you ask why, why, why,
But I can't explain cause you never listened in the first place.

It is mortifying to be loved by you.
You aren't good
But you're my father,
And you've never hit me,
But you never truly loved me
At least not the way I wanted

I am a God,
A being never believed or understood,
Begging to be loved and seen,
And I am a Girl
A being never believed or understood,
Begging to be loved and seen,
And maybe these are the same
And maybe we are all just crying in the dark,
Afraid to be alone,
And ready to be worshipped.

If energy cannot be created or destroyed,
just change forms,
then I am born of grief,
If I am made from something,
I was knit from love after death,
The weight of memories with no place to put them down,
I am the care and adoration that dies in your throat,
The loneliness in a crowd,
The sadness in your bones,
The shame for growth,
The crime of happiness.
If I am made from anything,
It is grief.

You deserved so much more than what you were given,
My love,
You deserve the smell of rain on concrete,
Of crying in a lover’s arms,
Hands through your hair,
Hugs from behind,
Swaying in an embrace as you make pasta,
Pj days and thrifting hauls,
And someone who will pick up your room and bring you cocoa when you can’t get out of bed.
My Darling,
You deserve the world,
And everything it has to offer.

you were pliant,
skin yielding under my hands,
lips velvet over mine,
everything about you
dips, perfect and smooth
how could someone so sweet, so soft,
leave me so bloodied?

No one will hold me,
and I'm shaking and sobbing,
as I drive the whole way home,
on the wrong side of the road.
No one will love me the way that you did,
And in fact,
I don't know if I'll ever be so loved,
But you left me
To cry in the dark,
And I'm starting to think,
That maybe I deserved it.

No one will hold me,
and I'm shaking and sobbing,
as I drive the whole way home,
on the wrong side of the road.
No one will love me the way that you did,
And in fact,
I don't know if I'll ever be so loved,
But you left me
To cry in the dark,
And I'm starting to think,
That maybe I deserved it.

I hate the way you cared for me.
I would have rather never been loved than to know what I do now
To know how it feels to be comforted,
To have your soft hands holding my face
To curl my body into yours,
To hide my face in the crook of your neck,
To be safe,
To be loved.
That is the cruelest thing you've ever done to me.

There are mornings,
where my bed is a casket,
where I do not breath,
I do not see,
I cannot rise,
And I have no life to save,
to cry,
to sleep,
to be anything,
or any more of myself
For I am exhausting,
and I find stillness only in my death.

I want to ravish and scream,
I want to press my tongue into someone's mouth,
I want to press this burning into anyone else
I want it out,
Singed and simmering on someone else's skin,
This smoke so thick it could be solid to rest inside someone else's chest,
I  want to cry,
To feel numb
To let everything pour away, and never see it again,
Returning to withered ashes and bones yet again

I am a ruiner,
As I gasp for breath,
Heaving my lungs
Desperatly trying to pull upwards
I latch onto you,
Everyone close to me,
Trying just to get to air,
And instead,
I drown you with me
And I'm sorry
But I'm not an Angel
I'm not even lovable,
All I ever do is hurt,
And break,
And ruin.

Right now you are a tulip bud before spring,
And I know you might never bloom,
but I hope you do.
I can count your words.
the ones that shine,
on my fingers.
But I see you reaching for the sun,
growing.
So I will nurture this little hope,
the one I hide in my chest,
that one day, I will have more memories of your support,
than your homophobia

the scent of the flame
a type of beauty existing in pain
An aching for the feel of a hand in mine,
as if the whole world felt your tears like rain,
an explosion of human understanding,
existing within a single vein.

Anger is my friend,
but she is just a mask,
A storm erupting to save face,
and hide the heartbreak,
the grief.
Why couldn't you love me?
I'm your daughter
How have you failed something so essential?

People say to live every day like it was your last,
but they call you impulsive when you do.
I used to wish id die of cancer,
so I could call you,
see you again,
Cause who would say no to a dying 17-year-old in love?
And I'd still rather have 2 weeks to live spent with you,
than a whole life without you.

And I dreamed I met you at an airport,
History stretching between us,
And you were teasing and coy,
Like you knew who I was,
But it was our first meeting.
Maybe we met like that in the next life, or the past.
Maybe this was always meant to be,
But in the dream I was so sure I would wake up next to you,

It's been 2 years,
but when someone asked me,
"If you could go back in time would you?"
I said yes.
Because I would give anything to be with you.
I wouldn't waste a second,
I would tell you I loved you the second you asked
I would reach out to my brother,
I'd tell my family at a different time,
I would know exactly what not to do,
And maybe, just maybe,
You could've stayed.

I want to crash my car into a tree at 120 mph.
I want it to end as violently as the anguish inside of me.
I want the adrenaline rush just to feel something before it all ends.
And I want to play my quiet music
and watch my blood drip into the bath,
I want to swallow all the sleeping pills in my cabinet
and watch the world blur around me.
I want to listen to your voice as I go,
and I want to be held by my family and friends with tears in their eyes.
I want to raise my ****** hand to their cheek to wipe the pain away,
I want kisses on my hair and I want to know that the end will be good.
I want to be so much lighter than I am.

I have never ached more,
for someone to call me good.
To look at me.
to press kisses to my face,
to rub circles on my skin.
to see me as a flower or the stars.

We shared a pain,
                                   cracks spreading over both our porcelain faces.
                             If i told you,
            would the fissures begin to fade?
Would you feel loved?

                                                         ­                        (or would you hide away?)
                                                      Coul­d we talk at night?
                                     As the chasm we both feel begins to gape,
         as our hearts ache and the distractions fade?

(or would you hate me?)

Lay with me in the rain,
  Walk with me in the twilight,
  Hold me in the dark,
  Sing to me from beside the fire.
       You glow on the fading sunlight of an autumn day,
                                                                The leaves falling,
                                       And so are you,
Dying

I dreamed you kissed me
That you loved me enough
To break it
And kiss me.

Loving, is easy.
It’s the aching.
The waiting.
The breaking.
That’s what tears you apart and tells you,
Love is hard.

She always smiles like she’s about to cry,
Looking at me,
As though she’s expecting a goodbye.
I’m not leaving,
But I can’t stay too close.
For I’m afraid to live,
But more afraid to die.

Could your delicate hands,
hold me?
Could your soft lips,
press into my face?