I drop a tear,and then another......and the flow begins.
I hold on to my stomach,fingers digging into my things..........I can barely see.
All the hurt eats from the inside.
And ...so I realize........ it's not even the brain,but the heart,that knows where it hurts ......the most.

We are smiling aren't we?We are happy,look at us!
We are walking with so much gait and grace,we certainly love our lives don't you see?
But.... you don't know what happens inside our smiles.Smiling is a strenuous exercise for me,and laughing is an act.
Yet,.....there you are.... you would **** to be me.You say you would do anything.
Oh! Poor naive you, you don't know what it's like to be me,do you? You don't know how it feels to have to pretend all your life ,and all for what,.... being born into nobility?Being married into riches,.. being related to power and influence?
My feet are exhausted from walking this life,they are swollen because I always have to step on thorns and still keep a straight face,.....to smile.You don't want that.
I am a ticking time bomb,am on edge and I feel like ..no, I know,I will snap and be gone.I am eagerly waiting for that day,weird huh? You expect me to be proud and grateful don't you? You expect me to live life to the fullest yet all I feel is emptiness,a hollow haunting echo inside of me.
Oh! I forgot,... you don't know anything, that's why am still your idle......let me just laugh to myself, for I don't think you can ever understand.

I gaze,I gaze,I gaze and continue gazing.                                                          ­    I look at those red heart shaped lips that I long to kiss.I look at those firm ******* that I long to feel against my chest.I look at that pale skin that I long to caress and pinch.I look at those curvy hips and amazingly tiny waist that I long to hold.I look at those brown eyes that I long to stare deep into.                                                            ­      That is all I can do.Sink deep in my own imagination and fantasies of holding you and kissing you .I try to run away from the pain of only having to imagine,but like a sly thief you come inside my mind and settle there.                           Today...... is.... different,today I am not gazing, today I am not seeing your face,and I don't know how it makes me feel since I don't feel anything,I only see blurs my eyes are no longer getting pleasure from studying you.                  Today I get to see you,........and him.He is holding you in I the places I should.He is getting the privilege of kissing those lips that I keep fantasizing about.                                          Today am standing at a corner and am watching him hold your hips,he is whispering things in your ear,I bet they are nasty,......for I see how you are reacting with pleasure Yes I am starting at your eyes but not in the same proximity as him.                                      I don't know if I am to blame for not making a move,but maybe now I can sleep without an *******.Now I know you can never be mine.I will let the noble man in me take control this time........

I see the way you look at her.The panic in your stride.The tension grows and you try to hide.                                        I see how her skin tightens when you touch her,the way her lips twitch and part gracefully with soft delight.Each caress you share ignites fleeting sparks.                                                          ­    I see the way you shiver......in a silence feelings grow and bulge, you breathe heavily when her ******* graze your chest, your veins showing and threatening to snap out of your skin.Yet......you flee and deny that you stir a soft feeling in each other's 💕 hearts.                                                          ­    I see the way you stumble and falter ,yet he is always there to catch you in time.He knows you will sway,trip and is still the reason you find your way.        You have no words,no please,no cry but he asks and you wonder how he knows what to do and say,how to touch you and make you weak.                          It's love,it's real even though you deny and hide.We see it and trying to flee and hide is enough proof of the intensity of your hearts' connection.

I stand here holding on to a pillar that I built with my own heart,my strong will and the weight of my pain.

I look North,and I see her,deep in pain,all curled up, with slit wrists due to your painful words,malice and neglection.

I look further North and I see him, crawling, looking up at you to take him back,mistaking chains for comfort.

What I see in the west is not shocking at all,just look at them,shivering, waiting for your approval,as if their entire existence depends on it.
This one is scared to make a move even......... "You might not like it...."

The east is pathetically familiar.....this again.....living a lie,manifesting your wishes practically by trying to live up to a status you can never reach.You live in the shadows...always whimpering, shaking,scared someone will find out you are not a queen... you don't even have a kingdom,...a home.

I will not bother to look South, nothing surprises me anymore.....all too familiar....a boring repetitive cycle that I struggled to elope from.

I will simply look away,I will not lend a hand,I will not give you words of affirmation........no one did that for me.

I will let you lie on your death bed,.....and learn,even if you will die.