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Jayda James Jan 2018
Two years ago, so many months behind
Chasing after you, a dreadful feeling of mine
Unable to be in control, unable to control your actions
I tried to regain control without asking
Two years ago, and just a couple weeks back
I panicked because I just let my heart relax
I kept thinking about you, and I kept thinking about me
I can’t force something to work, if it’s not my destiny
My words was smooth, but my actions were cruel
I led you to believe I would never hurt you
What a fool, what a fool
Two years of being stuck on you
Don’t listen to the nonsense
Don’t believe everything you here
Just because you say forever don’t mean the love will stay there
Too much on my mind, too dumb to just let go
Obsessing over you, trying to get back to you
I don’t know what I was thinking
But now I understand what it was
Addicted to the lustful thoughts
Instead of focusing on love
I gave you great pains
I gave you things you never asked for
I wished I did all the things I intended to do
But instead I kept chasing you
The first time I ever been obsessed
The first time I ever been stuck
So many times I asked myself say what
What are you doing?
What are you thinking?
Why haven’t you changed?
How do you expect to get her back?
If you stayed the same
So stupid, so cruel when it came to thoughts
My name never ran across your brain
You was way past the idea of making it work
I was left with all the hurt
You suffered, but I ended up hurting in the end
Everything that once stood tall all had to come to an end
So many days I wanted to cry
So many days I wanted to stay locked in my room
The smell like your sweet perfume
No kiss like yours
No softer feel then your lips
I dread the way I think, because you I still miss
I’ve been everywhere
I’ve been in and out
Not knowing if I’m crazy
Because I said with you, I couldn’t live without
It’s killing my pride
It’s killing my soul
The final moments of me letting go
Don’t judge me from where I been
Just judge me from where I’m at
I know you don’t love me no more
But I wanted the feelings to be as mutual as that
Most of the things are true
The things that I was accused of
Falling in love with the one I was scared of
The one that I just wanted to be friends with
Everything had to end
Everything just happened so sudden
These tears from my eyes
Makes the lines to your heart flooded
I know I cannot understand
I may not ever believe
That I have to let go in order to heal too
But I chose to play the role of a fool
So here’s a reminder
Here’s a reminder never to forget
I may not have you anymore but the memories will still exist
Two years ago I learned how to love
I also learned how to manage
I was terrible, and I never planned it
I wouldn’t know what love is if I invented it
I just needed a shoulder, I just needed something to lean on
Your love I always seem to feen for
Now I finally understand why you left me for
2 Years Ago…
thoughts from 2 years ago...
Jayda James Dec 2017
There was so many reasons to be scared, so many reasons I never talked to you
I never knew how you would react if I told you how my heart was desperately seeking you
So scared of rejection, this path I already been through
But Everytime I looked back, I thought there could be a way to work things out with you
I didn’t mean to aggravate, I just meant to explain the love I once had
Frozen in time when you asked how didn’t I know that
How did I not know that you would hurt, and that it would be hard to communicate with me?
But it was just my mind seeking out for you so desperately
My apologies from deep within, my mistakes listed above
Procrastinating about getting you back, when you was the one I loved
Fighting for the reason you smile, fighting for the reason you look forward to waking up
But trust I’m no longer in control of
Like a bee stings its prey, like a thief in the day
You never know how much you love someone until they go away
I got to stop procrasinating, and being scared
Jayda James Dec 2017
So many lies I tell myself late at night
So ashamed of my past I cry
The fake smile like a sweet lullaby
Late night thoughts drain every part in the inside
How could I disrespect you in such a manner?
Why did I ever give a kiss to such a stranger?
Didn’t stop to think, that’s what put our love in danger
I know you could never find the answer to the question
Why did I lie just to skip the discussion?
I kissed her, I walked around like I was right
My conscious ate me up, I could never cover up what’s right
Long day thinking, late night dreaming
You’re away at a party, and everyone’s feening
You made a decision, so much trust I put in you
You said “I’d never do anything to hurt you”
The reason you never portrayed me
The reason you stayed so true
In this lifetime I never did anything to deserve you
I made that promise to fulfill your needs
To ashamed to say I never did a good deed
I made a promise and I told you your hearts safe
Why did you believe me?
So disturbed by my ways
But to this day and next to the other
I wish I could’ve loved you
Instead of portrayal for another
i regret so many things
Jayda James Dec 2017
My deepest sympathy, my love life is over, I know that I have nothing left
And based on this statement this breakup was my deepest regret
I can’t even sleep, my mind telling me there’s so many things that are incomplete
The mistakes I’ve made I would never repeat
Reflecting back on everything that happened, all the ways I never approached
I wish I could’ve found my love and gave her the letters I wrote
So many paragraphs, and forwarded messages
I should’ve delivered myself
By the selfishness is the reason I’m by myself
You have feelings too, your heart hurts too
I should’ve thought of that before I ever hurt you
Love cannot be bought material things never matter
In the end if I would’ve treated you right our love life would’ve never shattered
Too stupid to just stick with the one I considered my all
That’s how every relationship has it downfalls
Too greedy, I could never handle one when her love was just enough
Love will make you feel sick all the way down to your guts
It’ll make you feel so many symptoms that’s far past a heartache
Just know I never meant for your heart to break
Too obsessed, to stuck, to in love
Too sprung, so high up off your love
So many things I’ve always been ashamed to say
All the hidden secrets must come out today
I was so foolish and I think all these words should be said
My actions seem to be the only thing I dread
Now it’s so hard for me to even go to bed
I’ll never find someone who loved me as much as you did
The simple apologies from the mindset of a kid
I’m left with many memories and the days we shared
Every time I spend time with someone else I envision you was here
I’m the one to blame, and I’ll take all the blame
The list of lies is such a shame
My greatest lost was losing you
March 13 will never be remembered the same
I hope you find closure, I’ll take the blame
Like your love? No I will never find another
Sincerely your Former lover
The thoughts of a former lover
Jayda James Dec 2017
Sad desires, so sad and sorry
Complicated and complex
Tell me when will the grieving stop
Why can’t I get over my ex
So much love, so many situations, so many things I can’t change
My love life I never could explain
The reason for portrayal
And why I hurt you
Ever part of my body’s telling me I didn’t deserve you
Man oh man, all these emotions within
Music to my ears to keep my tears in
To keep my face straight
I think I’ve learned my lesson
All the expressions, clear signs of depression
Sad desires and happy hopes
At the hardest moments I should of held you close
I mope, I mope, so sad, so memorable
So sly but hearing things I never heard
Please take me back to the month of the third
sad, sad, sad
Jayda James Dec 2017
You ever been depressed so much that you can’t even breathe
My visions become the actions that I speak
Easy but I never meant to do it intentionally
My mind crazy thoughts, it just seems to get in between
My love life so wrapped up on all the things I’ve seen
You never realize the hurt to its degree
You never seem to see the vision
Never see the things I see
Outside so strong but inside I’m so weak
Tell me why I think about you so constantly
Tell me why I can’t get you off my mind, I can’t even speak
To envision you I can never ever see
Life’s hard the highest mountain I can’t even reach
My hearts cold, take away all the negativity
I share my love with you? But them things you could never see
I loved you the most but I’m the one you’ve hated
You used to love me
I’m the one that love you the most
But me? No you can’t envision it
But I’m stuck on you doing all these crazy things
Putting pieces together trying to get over the thought
Trying to undo what’s done but I took you for granted
The thins I did I can never undo
The things I did I can never take back
And you was stuck on my mind
Wish I could take it all back
I wish I could go back to the start and never do the things I did
But I did, I did do what I did
I did all the things you was scared of being done
But you loved me
You love everything about me
Now you sitting here thinking what to do without me
But it’s all good, but your heart
You can’t take them things away
Now I’m sitting here mind blown
Hoping everything’s going to be ok
I just need to go back in time, I just need to go back to that day
When you once loved me
And everything was ok
And everything was all good
By my side you always stood close
That’s where I needed you the most
Crazy thoughts in my head, I think I loved you the most
But you showed it a little better
Just thinking of all the times when we was still together
In the past, but it’s the future
Now my words seem so stupid
I know we won’t ever speak again
But when you hear this you’ll always know that this is about you
So close to my heart lays an empty soul
Never thought I could live without you
depression/Love what a combination
Jayda James Dec 2017
Loud cries, red eyes hidden in the darkest nights
The signs of depression seem to come to the light
To ashamed to cry, to afraid to feel
Cause being in love was once my biggest fears
To scared to fall, to fall I could never do
But my depression never seem to keep me from loving you
Such a relief off my heart
Such a love I never obtained
The love stuck to me, took ahold of my brain
Sometimes I couldn’t speak
I just wish I could explain
It was either let go of you or go insane
I chose to hold on, I chose to continue my love
But not purposely but my heart wouldn’t let me detach
My heart wouldn’t let you hurt alone
So tell me am I crazy or am I scared to leave you alone
The signs of depression, the signs they never seen
I’m blind to love, only to fall in my dreams
Heartbreak/ Depression
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