Today I missed you more than any day
I missed your voice
Your hugs
Your smell

I missed the way you looked at me
The way you held my hand
Or how you we used to watch tv

I imagined you falling asleep on my chest
I imagined listening to our favorites songs
I imagined having you by my side again

I don’t know how many times I mentioned your name
I don’t know how many times I wanted to call you and tell you about what I have done

I went to an art museum
And I couldn’t stop picturing you watching everything
I couldn’t stop thinking about buying stuff that I knew you would like

But then I remember you are no longer there for me
I remembered our story is over
I remembered you finished writing the last chapter of us
Even if I was unaware of it

And I remember you don’t even care about me know
I remembered how when I was recently at my lowest and called you, you didn’t respond
And you closed total contact with me
Not caring about how I felt and not caring if I didn’t survive this one time

Some people say that killing yourself is selfish.
“It is selfish cause you are only thinking about you and not how it will affect the people around you”

But isn’t it selfish to only think about how my death will affect you and not about how living affects me?

Cause crying, cutting and wishing you were death every day is not a way of living.

I am and I look more death than alive and you still want me here, you still want me to suffer just so you don’t get to suffer when I’m gone.

You always wanted me to be honest
to tell you things
to talk about myself

You wanted us to be more close
You let me know that this was a safe place
that I could be me

Be me around you
Be me around others

But I hid myself for a year
A whole year fearing to tell you the reality
The reality of who I am
of who I like or love

And when I finally had the courage to tell you
When I opened myself to you

You stepped away
And left me here with my arms opened
waiting for a hug

I just wanted a mom hug
in which you told me with your physical touch
that everything was going to be okay

That you were happy for me
and that you still loved me as much,
that nothing had changed between us

I guess it wasn't a safe place when it comes to us
it only applies when talking about others

I still love you mom
And I hope you love me as well
Not for who I was
but for who I am

How am I going to be ok
If when I need someone
There’s no one there

If you didn’t even say goodbye
If you didn’t care for me all night

If I was crying
And you didn’t even see my eyes
Or my cracked smile

How am I going to be outside my room
When nobody misses me when I am not around
When nobody even notice my presence if I manage to get out

If I could get the answer to it
I promise you I would try
But there’s no one to ask

The best way to describe a love-hate relationship is the way I feel about my scars.

They’re disappearing but do I love or do I hate it?

I count them every night,
they aren’t so many,
6 in my left arm to be precise.

But when I look at them
They remind me of those 6 times in which I cried,
Those 6 times in which I pained,
6 times in which I felt that I deserved it.

The truth is they’re fading
But do I left them fade?
Do I let go my past?
Or do I cling to it?

I love them
I love I haven’t done it recently
I hate them
I hate me for not doing it once more