******* yourself.

step1: start breathing

I cry
thinking about his smile
why do I sob to a memory once happy?
why did the colors fade grey ?
and the warmth turned blue?
like a painting now turned sketch
why can't I remember what his face looked like
unless I see a photo of him on a wall
why have I forgotten most of his loving words?
how warm his hugs were?
how strong his hands were?
why must my memory fail me
its a fog building up in the distance
which will consume my memory of him
why must I forget
when this is the most important thing to remember?
I wish I lived in a photograph
where smiles stay painted still
where an essence of a memory lives on forever
and not be flawed like in life.
I wish I could have told him that I loved him some more
I wish I could have hugged a little longer
I wish I could trade my life for his
so that I could forget this pain forever.
for my biggest fear in life
is for that fog to settle down
for me to forget my father
and his smile that lit my heart
for my heart fire is slowly dying
dimming without his energy
and its ambers cannot be relit
without his godly spark
so now as years go by
a fire-y corner of my childhood
turns to a cold puddle of tears and dead dreams.

I started off as an equal
I have everything that they do
my life was one and the same as my foe
childish battles of lesser
I won baring cost of a little
but as time outgrew my conscience
I found that the pieces were moving against me
with time my company reduced
they left one by one
all in time forgetting me
my castles collapsed
my religion dissuaded
my protectors in hiding
I could not run anymore
I have been cornered to a wall
as the queen left silently
without saying goodbye
I could not live any longer
she was most precious to me
I could not win without her by my side
so the king knelt down and died.

Cradled,
by my own lullaby
I try to sing him to sleep
In the darkest depths of humanity
bound by steel and isolation
have now rusted grit by grit
the monster that lurks within
how deep is this creatures slumber
that I yet do not know
time has been his enemy
and  fear has been his soul
he settled down with knowledge
knowing he will rise again
I cannot play this game of patience
for I am about to lose
this battle against my mind

I wish I was stuck in a page
of an author not cruel
between romance
and the moment of linger between the confession
so he may keep me blind
for chapters I may not see
So that I the antagonist
will remain a distant
and I will never know
that this fable ends
because I need not know
if I am to fall off a cliff
and If I were I would not mind enjoying my last steps
to my execution
thinking it was a mere stroll
As people hold their hands
and the audience holds their breath
I want to be staring at a butterfly
fluttering to a flower
instead of a moth to its fire
for after all
a blindfold is a mercy and ignorance is my bliss
if like the pinch of a needle I were to be ended.

Why do I cry paraffin
like a candles on a headstone
it dries up
curdles and freezes
before it reaches the bottom of my heart
where it shall forever be stuck.
while my tender heart
remains moist
I make walls around you
to protect you
but whenever your warmth approaches
the tears fall slowly down my cheek
unfrozen from the time it was made still.

I wish I had eyes to see the sunset
I wish I had ears to hear you laugh
but I have been ridden of my life
for I am now a mere corpse
a ghost of my existence
I only hear that one lonely howl
or sob at night
and seem to look the second after
the suns last ray has shone a glimmer
that made it worthwhile.
If I sprouted wings tomorrow
then I would not fly
Oh my darling flame
instead I would fan your earthly ambers
so it would embrace me warmer.
and I would be one with the ash that once I feared