I wish I knew what I knew now.
I wish I waited until I was more well.
I disturbed your peace and left you bruised when I knew better than to pursue so soon and what ensued wasn't meant to be in the books for us.
I still believe that true,
Im made for you as you are for me.
It was and still is destiny but I feel like
how I went about things was tragedy.
It's not your fault to have found a new solace.
But I never broke my promise.
I had things to take care of and I wish I let you help but it wasn't your inflicted trauma dealt,
it was someone else's.
It wasn't your problem to fix so I went into the abyss and you found a new misses just as quick as the time ticked and I admit I was angry.
Looked for a way to hit back
and that was dangerous.
It created the illusion of an untrue thing
and I simply wish I didn't.
It was always you and still is.
And I feel like it's only me left feeling this.
I lied once in all I told you and
every moment not yours has been blue.
I told you I didn't want any parts
but I truly wanted all of you.
I never wanted you to leave but
I had to make you believe because
I didn't feel like you deserved me in that state.
I am filled with almost hate.  
Never towards you even now
when things have been so obscured.
I know theres no cure. I just wish I was honest.
I wish I didn't decide the fate for you.
I always intended to come back because you said you'd never leave and you'd wait for me.
I couldn't expect that even though I did.
I guess I deserve this but I know my intentions.
The couple after you was forced.
The poetry was prompted and
in the back of my mind was always you.
I was used by them and I let them because unfortunately I had the same intention.
To cloud my weary mind of the one I left behind but desperately tried to grasp for.
So I live with this. It's been almost 2 years celibate and no matter how many times I try to let these
willing suitors in, I cant. Trust I tried.
To enjoy the ride but I can't count how many times I cried in the middle of the night laying beside one or on my own because they weren't you or
you weren't here and couldn't hear.
Theres no book thats helped,
"how to move on for dummies",
the funny looks I got when I said I wasn't hungry cause I barely even ate with you.
All the memories we never made.
The few I have stuck on replay.
The silence doesn't help.
The karmas been dealt.
How can I even be mad when
this is the reality I orchestrated.
I cant even be mad you didn't even
wish me a happy belated. Im jaded.
Almost self hatred.
A book left unfinished because I refused
that the ending was the ending.
So I sit in the late night and write you letters and I admit the past month has me sheltered and quiet. The dreams come nightly and I call myself crazy. Im hanging on a sip of hope that keeps me sated.
No one will ever be enough and I hate to say it.
We never even got to know what it would be like but in my soul I know we were/are fate.
How can I explain it? I cant.

In my world,
I live in that movie.
I go to the shops
begging someone to speak to me.
All I find is mannequins
and blood *******
flesh eating
monsters.
In the outside world,
it's just my dog and I
and keeping those monsters
hands and nails from gripping onto us,
keeps us locked in a waste land.
Ive been looking for a cure,
a vaccine even,
but all I come up with is words
no one is listening to anyways.
A real cure would be a heart or conscious
but thats not something
that can be gifted or bought.
So I stand with those who
have known nothing but being fought,
I speak for those who only have racing thoughts,
for those who live in fear
and those who consistently miss a meal
cause those monsters are no sponsors
and they'd rather see you bleed
before they feed you.