Us... With The Rest Of The Unfinished Poems
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a secret box on a high shelf in the locked closet of my mind
is where I keep my dreams of
me and you...
me
comfy living in your
too big shirt
you
bare chested and
doing what you do...

smiling softly in my direction
simmering gazes and
kisses in passing
while...  at our table
in our special space...
I quietly watch quiet you
and
write poems...

simple and hazy and softly lit dreams
of things that we will never do...
For me only...
in the treasured place of
my unfinished poems
and
my rhymes that don't rhyme
is where I keep
my dreams of
me and you

i was 14 days clean
before it happened again
i knew that i shouldnt
but i did it anyways

the pain has never fully left me
i dont believe it ever will
but this time
it might have been too deep

now i walk with a slight limp
cause it hurts to walk
and people
are starting to stare

ive got so many problems
so where do i start
ill just bathe in a pool of sorrow

ill do it tomorrow

mom said i'm spoiled
but i watched a spoiled girl cry
cause her mom sang her happy birthday
so am i really?

“You're not depressed"
“You shouldn't be stressed"
“I'm cutting you off of your meds"
Cut me off my meds
I'll cut myself into super **** scars
You call me a star, so aren't you supposed to burn if you're a star?
I've been isolating myself
Just for other people to not see me
To not get hurt by me

I've told you everything I have gone through
You've never told me anything you went through
You only told me you got cheated on a few times
You only told me you were used as a toy
Okay?
I never got cheated on
But I've definitely been used as a toy multiple times
Why so many excuses to take me off my meds?
Yes, you were abused by your narcissistic Asian mother
That's cool
Lovely
Though, you did tell me you were trying to make my life better
To clear me from these thoughts
So why do many excuses?

Groomed
Used
Abused
Manipulated
Gas-lit
Victim of Weaponized incompetence
COCSA
SA’d
Cyberstalked
Stalked
All within of my 12 years of living
It doesn't seem much
Six of above happened for years on end by one of my closest people
Three still happening today that I'm very aware of
I just don't know how to get out of it
There's been no justice
Just pure hell
But all what you're saying is “oh well!"
You won't let me call the police
No discipline to anyone
I can't do anything but carry on with my day

Why
Just why?

Okay, you think I'm pretty
But will you walk in rivers barefoot with me?
Will you just sit there in silence and pick flowers with me?
Will you be there even when I don't want to be anywhere?
Will you stay after you see what I've done to my ankles?
Will you dance in the rain with me?
Will you hold my hand when something reminds me?
Will you understand when I want to be alone?
Will you be okay with not being okay?
Will you love me even when I hate myself?

I know it's unrealistic
And that the books I read set the expectations high
But I can dream

My poetry is the result of an influx of thoughts.

My head can't hold them all,
So they spill out onto paper and soak and stain,
Leaving these tangled strings of words.

I try to arrange them to something comprehensive
But it's mostly an indecipherable nonsense.
I suppose thats what makes it poetry.

At least, it makes the mess in my brain
Just a bit more tangible.

My father said he loved me

Not the father you may have heard of
But the one who adopted me

And it was different than the way my abuser says he loves me
Because he treats my like a person he hates
But this 14 year old Trans dude who randomly said
"This one's mine"
Does

I love to chose my family

He showed up to my performance
He said he was proud
He didn't make a scene
He didn't yell
He didn't scream

He just hugged me
I hugged him

He cried
I cried

Hell I'm crying as I write this
I am so grateful for him

No love is true or false
Love is love
Same for all
Sacred and pure.

It is just that
Some people love and
some only pretend.