Sh.. Don’t tell him, but I have a secret
He doesn’t know yet...
I have to go, or i’ll have more and more regret
It’s a big one… it’ll cause a lot of pain, I bet

I am leaving him, don’t you know?
For a woman, he doesn’t even know
She is pretty, most days I like her
She recently found herself, suddenly so sure

***** blonde hair, that rests at her neck
Bright green eyes, and .. give me a sec…
There’s more.
She is strong - a quality I adore

Her walk is purposeful
Her talk is straightforward and meaningful
She is ***** minded and a little bit odd
She is a pink salmon in a river of cod

Standing out from the crowd you see
She is a wild spirit that just got set free
I love her, like I never have before
A new found trust in her very core

I tell you this, because I had to hear it
I don’t know how he will bare it
When I tell him I have to go
To be with this woman I found when I was low

The biggest secret is yet to be told you see
Because the woman I need to be with,          is me.
I found strength in myself finally
He tried to put me through a refinery

But I dug deep, with no time to weep
I clung to my spirit in hopes to keep
The happy and adventurous me
So here I go, I am finally free

It’s just easy for them
Isn’t it?
This couple on the train.
They walked on laughing together
Holding hands
And I felt that familiar something-
Not jealousy
Not envy
But...
Chagrin.
Astonishment.
Incredulity.
Incomprehension.
Looking at them feels like looking at one of those
Impossible pictures
Where the stairs keep going forever in a loop.
It’s just
Easy for them.

It doesn’t hurt anymore, that thought,
But thinking it feels so odd in my mind
When I can’t imagine loving someone without
Shame,
Without pain.
They fit.
These people,
They fit without having to carve anything out.
They fit without punishing each other.
They fit like puzzle pieces cut from the same board-
No worries, they just go together, and that
Is that.
They fit like
“Of course.”
Like breathing.
Neatly.
Simply.
Carelessly.

I can’t imagine what it’s like
I can’t comprehend it-
To fit
Somewhere
Much less to fit somewhere
With someone.
I am always trying to corset myself into this world,
Lungs burning,
Trying to remain small enough to squeeze by
Catching myself by the wrist to keep from reaching
For anything.
And if there seems to be a spot where I might be able to exist as I am

It is always

Occupied.

Like a shiny pinprick
That thought hurts-
Not like the others it is newly cut
And still ******.
The idea that maybe there is a home for me
And that maybe I was too late for it.

They’re laughing.
He says something clever,
Passes a hand along the small of her back
And she leans into it,
Smiling because she loves that he wants to touch her innocently.
They seem to exist behind glass.
Not for the first time I wonder
If I could just slip into that life
Like a drop into an ocean
I want it badly
I want it stupidly
And I examine all the parts of myself,
All the edges and cracks,
All the things I’ve worked so hard to protect and repair.
It is not a welcome sight-
I am not a home
I am like an old ruin
Full of murmurings and cold spots
Full of dusty sunlight.
I sigh,
Knowing the secret I keep so poorly-
That if I really had a choice to be otherwise
I would have already made it.

I couldn’t reach them if I ran for a thousand years,
They are too far away.
They walk off the train, arms linked
Talking about nothing
And I watch them go
Like a hallucination,
Like a mirage in the desert.

Her perfume smells like forgetfulness
And it lingers.