Another sleepless night begins as the blood slips past the torn flesh on my wrist

Another deep breath as I steady my hand and aim the blade carefully across the skin

Another stunningly blue vein torn for the sake of the plead for happiness

Another month full of long sleeves and transparent excuses that are growing old

Another faked smile and forced laugh that causes more pain than the blades

Another question I wish wasn't asked because I can't find the answers

Another night spent wide awake alone in my room with every mistake i've ever made playing on repeat

Another moment of seemingly collapsed lungs and sheer terror swallowing like a tidal wave

Another splinter in an already shattered heart inside a broken girl

Another bottle of pills that should've been locked up properly

Another note written but this time not crumpled and tossed

Another 'sad' kid written off as a lost cause

Another goodbye that will be forgotten come tomorrow

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never go home again.
My room will sit unused,
A capsule frozen in time,
A snapshot of how I was.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my dog again.
She will sit at the front door
Waiting for me and wondering,
Why I never came home.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never graduate from high school.
My yearbooks will sit stacked
Stopped short of their goal,
Missing years that should have been.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my mom again.
She will sit distraught,
Planning a funeral
For a child taken from her.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my friends again.
They'll sit together, missing me.
One empty seat among them,
A constant reminder of their loss.

If I die in a school shooting
I'll never see my little sister again.
She will sit through high school
Knowing I can't guide her through,
That she has to figure it out alone.

If I die in a school shooting
My school will be stained.
Pools of students lives will sit,
Blood tattoos on the brick structures,
Marks of death ground into it.

If I die in a school shooting
Everyone will wear black.
They'll send their thoughts and prayers
To a town marred by death,
Forever to be the home of a shooting.

If I die in a school shooting
Will the world change?
Or will I become one of hundreds  
Of kids who have to die?
What will it take?

If things continue this way
Children will have to live in fear.
They'll look over their shoulders
Always worried and wondering,
If they'll die in a school shooting.

In one ear and out the other.
That's how it goes with you.
You ask me to let you in but when i do you aren't at the door when it opens.
You say you'll catch me, so why am I laying on the ground?
I fell so hard my heart blurred out the bruises your love left.
You pinch and poke so hard im sore for days.
I tell you what's wrong but I might as well be talking to a wall.

In one ear and out the other.
I tell you how I feel and then you turn around and say i dont love you.
I say how much i care and yet you say i don't.
Am i not saying it loud enough?
Or is it just not what you want to hear?

In one ear and out the other.
I love you.
'No you don't.'
I want you.
'Who is he?'
In one ear and out the other.

Please do not ask me how I feel.
I might just go and tell you.
But the trouble with that is
The words will never come out right.
They will stumble over the bumps on my tongue
Like my heart beat when you smile in my direction.
You are sunshine and grace wrapped into a beautiful package hand crafted for anyone but me.
I am a storm cloud raging with PTSD and suicidal jokes, hand crafted for no one save the demons in my head.
You are a gentle breeze and a massive wave all at once.
I am a broken glass someone has put back together with Scotch tape.
You say I'm beautiful, but I just can't see it.
I say you're perfect, but never out loud.
You see, I have told you countless times exactly how I feel.
But only in my head.
If I try to say it out loud, the words chase each other around like a game of tag and refuse to settle down into the sentences I want them to.
They come out awkward and forced like a tomboy in a beauty pageant.
Still beautiful but not quite right.
It can be painful sometimes because I'm not quite sure how to answer.
I feel so many things that switch from one to another so quickly it's like my heart is watching television and there is nothing interesting on.
So please, do not ask how I feel.
Because I might just go and tell you.