Every single thing that I do, Every single day, I have to say “**** it”. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is, I have to say “**** it”. “**** it” and Go, “**** it” and Stay, “**** it” and Speak, “**** it” and Dance. To some of you that may sound like a life full of adventures and stories, where at every opportunity I am jumping into danger and glory, but it is exhausting. I can’t do anything without have to say to myself “**** it”, pushing down all those voices and thoughts that are pointing out everything that could go wrong, everything that I could ***** up and I have to say “**** it”, those voices don’t go, those thoughts don’t magically go away until I’ve succeeded and only return once I completed this task to congratulate me on beating them, they stay there through every moment, every sentence, every step, until I either give up or finally finish, all that time, I have to say “**** it”. And this “**** it” isn’t “**** it” it’ll be okay, “**** it” I’ll get through, “**** it” no one will be annoyed at me. It’s all “**** it” It doesn’t even matter, “**** it” I don’t matter. That’s how it’s always been, How’s it probably always going to be, but recently I’ve been able to see it slightly differently, I still have to say “**** it”, but It’s not always “**** it” It doesn’t matter, “**** it” these thoughts these voices mean nothing, cause if I can still go out there and do, If I can say “**** it” and carry on even when you are screaming for me to stop. if I can say “**** it” and Go, “**** it” and Stay, “**** it” and Speak, “**** it” and Dance, even when it feels like my entire body is telling me I shouldn’t, it doesn’t mean I don’t matter, I means that everything you say and everything you have ever said doesn’t matter, It means that I can carry on through every bad thought and every shouting voice just by saying “**** it” then I can do anything, I just have to say, “**** it”

They say that silence is golden, and you know what, I agree. You work so hard for it, spend so much time looking for it and when you truly get that tiny bit of silence you realise, it is not what you wished for. Silence is horrifying, it is there to show that something is wrong, in the movies is shows you something is wrong. It's that off part of a song, off a video, I mean there are rooms dedicated to silence, and people go mad in them, listening to their own heart beat. You know how horrible it is, it makes you regret those conversations and wish you had just said something, something that made them feel bad or stupid or good or just worthwhile and you wish your silence had never had happened, cause then maybe there's wouldn't have either. That's the thing, to so many people silence is not a dream, it's the sound of an empty home, the sound of a hospital bed, the sound of a newborn baby. So remember, silence is more like gold than you thought, it may be so highly valued by so many people but it takes years to find and in the end can take lives to make.

The mind is a complex thing, all cogs and gears turning and fitting together so perfectly, all to a beat that is created solely by the mind itself. When I look at people I see the cogs in their heads turning and moving so smoothly, seamlessly, all in time. But when I look at myself I see it slip and catch, go in and out of time so easily, when I make a mistake it stutters, and when I say something bad it stops completely, slowly it tries to get back to normal but it never truly rectifies the situation. I see the way that others change beat so easily, jumping from rhythm to rhythm like its natural, but when I try to change tempo I stutter slowly towards the right beat, finally getting close but I'm still am slightly off, slowly I get closer and closer until I land on the right rhythm using all my willpower to stay there and suddenly the topic changes and so does the beat to an unknown and frankly scary place. After half an hour of trying to make conversation my head gives up and nods along to the beat of the crowd lulling in the corner trying to seem average but never completely fitting in.