Thunder cracks & rumbles
The lightning flashes like the sun.
Most run & hide in fear,
Yet some smile & bask in awe as nature cries.
Happiness or anger,
The storm brews.
She says I dance in the midst of the rumbling.
I dance with the lightning as my tempo,
The thunder as the bass.
She sees that my name was given because I was born and named for the thunderstorm.
She’s the first to say what my ancestors and family have known.

Demons from the past have come to haunt me.
Her cries seemed sincere.
Her voice was broken.
The mere utterance of I love you was true.
The girl id played in the summer suns for hours,
Mud pies, digging canals and eating snow cones with…
Her voice was shaky.
It was full of truth that I didn’t hear…
Full of love I dare not accept..
She was running.
Like I did.
Running only I had escaped and she never did…
The girl with the brightest smile dimmed by a father who never knew love only showed discipline in his words.
A family that lasted generations,
Now ends…
Not with me.
With the brightest star in all of heaven.
The woman who found her courage…
The woman I turned my back on while I chased a life we both longed for…
My dear beloved sister you won’t be forgotten…
I’ll forget many throughout my life but only you will remain in my heart…
I hated you even resented you…
Now I only wish to feel your hugs once again.
Those hugs full of love that I never had yet now I know you loved me.
You protected me as best as you could…
I’ll hate them forever for what they’ve done to you…
Our lives have always been secretive and silent..
Yet even now with you gone…
I feel an emptiness I’ve never known…
I curse this cruel world.
Were there actual people who cared then maybe you’d still be here..
A pipe dream because the truth is there is no such thing…
The good ones die,
The rotten get to live

The world and everyone won.
I’ve lost everything and everyone.
I lost myself in the process and now I am left to rebuild from the nothingness once again.
Turns out doing the right thing leaves you empty with no one and nothing.
Yet I find the beauty in being alone.
No pressure or no one to tell you that you’re not good enough.

Break me again? That’s okay
It’s all good.
It’ll be okay
Break me as much as you want Ill recover

Now we shall see who’s gods prevail.
Mine have been protected me all my life,
Yours have fiction.
Now watch,
I was told to be patient and patient I was.
I know death, fear anger and pain.
Now it’s my turn,
My time has come.
You talk of demons,
I’ve known them as friends.

I found beauty in the darkness.
Most fear there unknown,
Many avoid the possibility and uniqueness.
There is beauty within the darkest parts of one’s soul.
The purity of it.
Which is where I learned never to judge one based on their past.

It’s almost as if the tides have changed,
The odds are working in my favor now.
Everything is working out for the better this time.
And it feels like this time it’s all going to be okay.
That’s a strange but comforting feeling.

I leave it in the hands of the gods.
I ask that they are merciful on her just as they have been with me,
I ask that they are swift in Justice with him as they were with me.

It was dangerous the way he loved her,
Fierce & intensity rising.
He found that even in his cold dark heart there was a warm soft just for her.
The demons of his past would never stop chasing, the sins of his father bloodied his sleeve a deep crimson red.
Left with one option, to keep her safe.
Push her as far away as possible,
And yet still here we are.
Entwined in each other’s lives.

Fuzzy,
The blurred line we cross when you are too drunk no one seems to be able to stand you.
You call sobbing, yelling, angry, sad, hurt or broken.
For that night you’re completely happy with me.
I’m your favorite person, you even talk about being together again.
We laugh, talk and jump on apex.
Watch a movie till you go to sleep.
The morning after,
You’re cold.
Suddenly I’m the devil in your eye.
All the problems in the world are somehow my fault.
But how could they be?
You state everytime that you have your own life,
Therefore shouldn’t the problems you bear be of your own making?
You take advantage of people because it seems that you cannot take responsibility for the hurt you cause yourself.
I promised I’d always be here, and yet lately it’s been taking a bigger toll on me.
One day you’re proud of me,
You want to be together again.
You talk of our future and I catch you smiling at me with love in your eyes.
Then I’m not the one for you.
You love me
Then you say you hate me.
You promise to stay again,
Only to leave in the harshest way than you left the other times.
If only you knew how it would be so much better if you’d stay,
And now I’m realizing that if you do.
You’ll always leave and run to the next person who’s only there to use you.
Then you’ll come back when they hurt you again and again and again.
I hope one day you grow up,
I hope one day you’ll see.
And I’ll be there.
Right now it hurts yet I will still be here,
Because that’s you do for someone you love.
Hope and pray that will grow,
That one day hopefully they will see what you’ve always seen in them.
And hope that they choose you too.

If it is was a lie,
If I was deceitful.
I wouldn’t be here:
Trying every time hoping that you’d see.
It’s you.

Another year coming to a close,
The truth standing in front of me.
I enjoy the pain and the hurt,
I don’t like hurting people.
I surround myself with those with the worst intentions,
The pain keeps me blurred and moving.
How incredibly pathetic of me,
Yet I now know this is my life and how it was destined to be.

Words fall short,
There’s no other way of saying that a broken souls love is meaningless to the her.
The conversation of my emotions turns into an argument
I’m never heard
And the twist is she always says it’s just me with the problem

One day, I’ll stop writing
One day, I’ll stop dreaming
One day, I’ll stop believing
One day, I’ll stop hoping
One day, I’ll stop trying
One day there will be no more poems written by me
And there won’t be anymore pain
One day I’ll be gone
Maybe it’s today

I broke my best friends heart, chasing a lover that couldn’t understand my soul

Some nights I lie awake staring at the ceiling,
The realization that truly something inside was broken deep down.
Never again to be healed.
The switch permanently off.
Staring beyond the ceiling almost ceaselessly and hopelessly searching for a way to bring it to life again.
Suddenly I remember that I have to breathe.
That hard burning gasp of air that leaves my eyes watery.
When I sleep I dream,
Those vivid flashbacks of well everything.
Almost in a blink of an eye it’s time for work,
Another day another dollar.

After everything I’ve been through,
Coming to the conclusion that I will never trust or love anyone again.
There she is,
And without hesitation I fell

I’m just a ******* boy with nothing to lose.

How do you explain to someone who’s the gentlest and kindest person that you are broken?
That even though they are so patient and care about you with immense support for the dreams and aspirations you are trying to be.
That regardless of my sometimes monotone responses and zoning out.
She smiles with the brightest smile, “I’m here.”
How do you tell that wonderful and truly amazing person that you don’t believe you can be fixed.
That the last girl ripped everything good and loving.
That she’s taken everything good and hopeful out.
Used it to benefit herself, used me and threw me away like trash.
How do you tell this incredibly loving woman who would move mountains for you that I am terrified it’s going to happen again.
That if I give my all again to someone, I believe they will take it all.
Then change & words of love turn to words of hate.
Words such as “you are nothing, you are no one.”
She wonders why when I wake up in the middle of the nights from revisiting the horrors of a person who only knows selfishness.
How I see and smell the fire everyday.
How I often wonder why she would wake up with me, her hand rubbing my back and then getting a cold water.
Seeing her face light up when she picks me up from work, her laughing with my dad while they talk about the Raiders and fishing.
How when we get home, my mom hugs her & they’re already talking about what to make for dinner.
Relaxing on the couch with her and her asking to watch Star Wars or Marvel, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Greys Anatomy.
Carnival Rides & going to the track to watch the Horse Races.
We go to the movie theater every Tuesday as our movie date night.
How do I tell her that I am terrified of being so broken that she could get hurt because of someone else’s damage.
How do I tell her I’m falling in love with her yet I’m scared to.
Because I don’t want to hurt her in any way

I know now,
I lived the most I can.
I loved and it wasn’t enough.
I know that she will be okay.
I know that I loved her,
And I know that it’s time.

My reactions are overreactions
My sadness is overcome and protected by anger
I am not in control and I am trying to learn how to control them
I am not the demons in my head
I am not the monster
I can be better
I can be in control.
I don’t want to be this way anymore
I don’t want to be the one screaming and begging for help inside
While angrily yelling outside and pushing everyone away
Help...
Please be patient with me...

I’ve not slept for a week,
The pain is excruciating.
It’s all a blur now,
Every blink remains fuzzy.
Any attempt to sleep is met by haunting nightmares that violently clash with reality.
The pain comes in waves and heartbeat pounds echoing in my head.
Everyone laughed when I would say eventually I’d be hurt beyond repair,
From broken ribs, to the broken bone in my hand.
The cracked hip,
The sternum that sharp stabbing pain.
Now I suffer the truth I begged them all to see.
I begged for peace in my life before it got to this point.
They’ve all promised peace and happiness yet I am always met with violence and chaos.
I have no room left for anyone,
Pain is now my only friend.
Yet I still smile for the world to see so I do not have to bear others pity.
I suffer in the silence,
So others will never notice a thing.
Even she promised that she loved me,
The first person I ever believed.
She left all the same.
The girl with golden pocket brown eyes that I trusted wholeheartedly.
She would probably be happy that I live this way now.
She seemed to love others pain.
Least I could I do this to make her happy one more time.

I pushed her as far away as I could.

I push everyone away,
It’s safer.
Maybe they were right.
I’m just too broken and too far gone.
Either way they’ve all never really knew me.
And now no one will

Losing your identity because the one you love and that “loves” you takes a bigger toll than you think.
At first Della presented herself as supportive,
Come to find out once again silenced.
I put my head down hoping to lessen the vibes in the room.
Never really got to speak my mind, share my views.
Always met with the disregard,
The instantaneous change of subject.
Luckily now I am able to speak freely,
Now I am with someone who is interested and open to learning more.
Trust me I talk a lot especially when I’m excited :)
It’s refreshing to be able to be proud of who I am and where I come from without the belittling by someone who said they love me

She doesn’t know,
I have to hurt myself everytime I feel happy.
She doesn’t know that the girl before I’ve protected.
I told the other girl it was okay everytime she hurt me.
I have to protect her from the dark reality of you can’t even be really happy.
Even if you are…
You’re just never enough.
For anyone.
Even the girl who smiles so gently, who bought a plane ticket when your job called saying you hurt your back and you’re on your way to hospital.
You can’t and you’re willing to let her go because you are nothing compared to what she deserves.
You’re nothing.
No one.
What matters is you make enough money and you are able to take care of everyone it doesn’t matter how hard or how long you work
No one knows
no one cares.
You can’t do anything without your back.
So don’t get anyones hopes up.
So you break their hearts,
Because you can’t tell them you love them so much that you have to.

I had good intentions. But I’ll always be the *******.
Even when it hurts it’s okay
Whatever you need

She stays awake to make sure I get home safely.
We tease each other and have been talking almost nonstop every day.
Her smile is warm and she isn’t scared to be a little goofy.
Honestly I’m glad I didn’t just jump into a relationship,
Because I can’t imagine ever hurting her.
I use to be a really immature guy but with her I can’t imagine ever being like that.
She inspires me,
To be better to grow.
To be the better man than I know I can be,
And to give her the world.
She deserves it,
And I’ll find the way to make it happen

A text out the blue,
“Hey I’m back in town…I miss you & i overreacted you didn’t deserve that, can we meet up and talk?”
At first I ignored.
Those words kept coming to life in my mind,
As if I could hear her saying the words.
Suddenly I hear the words of Della and others,
Telling me how I shouldn’t have reacted.
I started feeling the same feelings and telling myself,
“Don’t do it, everyone else makes the choices for you. They leave, you don’t get a say or chance. Everyone else knows best, everything you do is wrong. You can’t feel any emotions or show them. No one likes that, you can’t even have opinions, keep your mouth shut. Everyone else that has been in your life has all left because of you. They all say you’re the problem, you broke what you had. It’s all you. And if you meet up with this amazing wonderful woman, you’ll end up alone again once she gets tired of you. They always have a way out”
My only response to her was,
“I can’t.”
Honestly I’d rather be alone from now on,
And it’s for the best anyway

I don’t think she’ll ever understand,
That throughout every hurt every obstacle every separation and every reunification only for it to be cut short,
I have always loved her for her.
It’ll be two years this coming April 6th that we’ve been completely in each other’s lives and out during times.
It’s no lie that it hasn’t always been perfect or happy,
There’s been dark times and hurtful times.
Yet throughout everything,
I still look at her and love her more everyday.
I’ve watched her stumble and fall.
I’ve watched her pick herself up and still do everything her way,
I’ve watched her grow and become stronger.
I’ve also hurt her,
I’ve disappointed her.
I let her down because I wasn’t ready for anything she needed.
Yet I loved her all throughout.
She wanted stability and love.
She needed a partner,
I was too busy with my head in the clouds and too broken to even try.
I’ve watched her leave, fall in love with someone else.
Very quickly might I add.
Yet here I am still writing about the girl who’s kiss truly is beyond this world and I think about that first kiss we had.
I was a boy, who dreamed of things.
She was a girl, who believed in us.
Now here we are, two years later.
And I have to decide whether or not to let you go…
Because it hurts…
Or hang on and hope.

I feel as if my time is near its end.
Premonitions haunt my mind as it also drains my soul.
I’ve lived through many instances where either I should’ve died or that I did and someone or something always brought me back.
Repeated pressure on my chest,
Forcing air into my lungs.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts when you finally inhale that deep exhausting and painful breath.
How your eyes are watery and burn.
Your chest feels like it’s been crushed.
Your throat is drier than the Gobi desert.
Then everything else hurts,
Your head pounds for a while.
Everything is laggy vision wise.
Hearing is echoey.
Or another thing,
The electrical shock to your chest.
You wake up tingly.
Same painful breaths and all of the above,
Just add tingly.
Like your entire body was nerve wise asleep and it’s all tingly.
-
Every time I’ve come back I feel less.
This last time I came back she was still punching my face.
Couldn’t see out of my right eye,
My neck felt like barbed wire was wrapped around it and rubbed it raw.
The aftermath of her choking the life out of me.
And for what?
Unresolved issues that she never spoke of to any of her family,
Yet takes every aggression out on me.
The one person who would never hit her,
And just let her do it.

Death was comforting,
It was silent, still & peaceful.
Then I heard the rumbling, the cracking.
It was the first time I saw the thunderclouds roaring their tremendous roar.
The lightning piercing the sky and the hill.
I heard “not yet”
That’s when I felt the air in my lungs again,
She was still ontop of me punching with all of her might,
Choking me once again.
Smile on her face.
I used whatever I had left to push her off me,
I pushed her back so she was standing and I could finally stand up.
I knew my family was right outside that hotel room door and I couldn’t see out of my right eye but I opened the door. They walked in looks of horror as they saw my bloodied beaten face.
I turned back and there she was sitting as if nothing happened.
The irony of all this is that I never hit her once.
I didn’t want to hurt her,
Regardless of me not fighting back,
She enjoyed it.

What do you do when your entire world is flipped?
When you think you finally know all the variables only to learn that it was all a lie?
That you’re really nothing.
No one.
For a time I was the son of a powerful and terrifying man with a dark history,
The son of a woman who left me to have a better life.
I learned many things from a sister who was an evil that knew the best.
I admired a brother who was a formidable force.
Most of my life was just endless pain and torment from all sides
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Only to find out it was all a lie.

It’s ironic,
The gift Ive been told I have.
The quote is that everyone wears a mask to hide their true colors,
Throughout my life I’ve been known to be the cause of people showing their true colors.
I always thought this was a dark gift, I don’t like losing people.
Growing up I never understood why & now I’m older I see the benefit of it.
The thing is I don’t do anything, I am comfortable in myself and that makes people uncomfortable.
I speak my mind and say what I feel knowing fully well I can be rejected for anything.
Granted I know my limits, the irony is I try to be as honest as I can be.
And voila, it never fails.
They all blame me for their own reasons,
I laugh because they dig their own graves.
I observe and I try not to forget important things because a lie is easy to catch.
And when you catch them in that lie, they all react the same.
The denial, the anger, the need to play victim to everyone else.
Then comes the silence, and then ego steps in because of how insecure they really are.
It’s a dangerous gift I always thought,
Mainly because I know people do get hurt, people I care about.
In the end I am blamed, unlike them I try not to bring up their past mistakes as they do to me.
As they scratch & claw for anything to turn it around on me.
It hurts still yet I can’t just react that’s never a good thing, but there were times I really wanted to.

Well I suppose I did grow up,
I grew cold.
And yet some wonder why still.
Look in the mirror,
I was left to face my battles alone.
I then grew comfortable choosing to fight some alone.
Now sometimes I find myself wondering if growing cold was worth it.
I still give chances,
When those run out I respond in annoyance or brutal honesty.
Once again villain in my former friends stories.
Past loves find me callous at times.
And all I can do is sigh heavily, smoke a cigarette and move forward.

You were right Delyla.
I can never be a good person even though I tried.
And I’m also sorry that I didn’t try harder.

‘Have a little faith in me’ plays softly in the background as we dance under our night sky.
The clock strikes 12, fireworks all throughout the city welcome in a new year.
As we share our first New Years kiss together,
This moment frozen in time with full realization that we would never have to feel the same hurt from those who we were with just a year before.
No more false I love yous, no more half effort.
No worry of jealousy or anger, immaturity.
The beautiful moment signifying something new, safe and free.
-
Today we play ‘Have a Little Faith In Me’ and I love seeing you smiling,
It’s full of hope and excitement.
Making snow angels in the backyard or snowboarding at the resort.
Snow ball fights and sledding.
Gaming all night or binge watching Greys Anatomy,
Marvel vs DC comparisons, taking our pups Daeny and Brady on hikes.
Life is good finally
Finally we can be who we are,
With no one to hold us back from becoming who we are meant to be.

We game
We laugh
We joke & even cry.
Always goofy friends with endless hours talking away and laughing even if the video game frustrates us..
Yet suddenly one day i noticed the change in your voice, it was more nervous high pitched.
We started talking about relationships,
Now we FaceTime before going to bed,
Talking about the what ifs.
We look out for each other,
Noticing when somethings wrong…
I think that maybe this time…
I hope this time,
The universe answered my prayers,
And she’s the one.
Of course we are both worried about the what if we break up and it’s hard to be friends again…
That worry comes to mind yet here she is…
Telling me it’s going to be okay, she’s got my back like I have hers.
Now it’s the plane ride over and she’s in my arms
Gently stroking her hair and she snuggles closer to me,
Safety.
The one thing we’ve both longed for.
She sets up her PS4 and we game till we want to watch a movie.
“It’s going to be okay, even if it’s a lot to handle sometimes. Life does that, challenges us.”
She falls asleep so soundly and peacefully,
With her nestled in my arms I too drift off.
I love waking up next to her, as she smiles every morning telling me she loves me dearly
Maybe this time the universe is indeed kind,
We both longed for this,
The safety and peace we never had before.

I see the demons in the night again,
Itching to torment and fulfill their hateful desires.
Their home lies in the dark quiet hours of the night,
Lately I’ve become more accustomed and welcomed.
Fever and and cold chill down my spine when I wake up from a sound sleep.
Now I no longer wish for sleep,
Only peace.
Eyes yellowed and red, sunken are full of anger and hate.
Yet I’m not afraid,
And I don’t know why.
I don’t even know if they’re dreams anymore or if maybe it’s something else

Mornings start with the tracing on my fingers writing out I love you,
Soft kisses on your nose and forehead as you gently wake.
You snuggle closer to me as I wrap my arms around you,
Luckily we can sleep in.
My baby softly grumbling because you yearn to be closer.
It’s these moments I hold dear.
Nudging your nose against my neck and smiling as you fall back asleep.
Safe and warm in my arms.
Or when we play apex,
The competitiveness between us unless the random tries to be an ***,
Then all I can hope for is that they can handle your wrath.
How you’ve taken the time to learn the game so we could spend time together,
Long distance never was a bother between us.
We found our way, knowing we have our lives and life goes on.
So we travel back and forth,
Until now.
We’ve repaired the broken house my ex had a hand in destroying,
My parents love the extra help.
And they love you.
We can live our lives finally without fear or worry.
Without having to give up or run.
Without all the heartache and betrayal that we’ve only known through our former lovers.
Finally free.
Able to breathe again.
Able to love again.

It was then,

That I felt truly
Absolutely
Alone

It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

Honestly I didn’t plan for this to happen but I’m glad you’re here.
I met you last summer after I’d gone through the worst breakup I’ve ever had.
And here you are again,
It can’t be anything more than coincidence right?
Never thought I’d find you again. Or you find me.
Guess I gotta move to England sometime haha

Todays the day everyone decided to have their mental breakdowns.
My mother trashed the house,
My ex blames me for messaging her off random numbers & lost her cat.
My former best friend could be headed to the mental hospital.
Another family member is in the psych ward,
My father nearly wrecked my truck.
My neighbors argued and the result was a busted windshield.
My aunt is filing for divorce after her meltdown.
And ironically I woke up thinking today would be a good day.
All these people have something in common that I find a little funny,
They’ve all told me the same thing.
That when I broke down or when I was hurting I was just being dramatic or they ignored me.
Belittled me, used my past against me, completely degraded me for breaking down.
Or laughed when I cried, smiled when I would say that I couldn’t do it anymore.
And most of them were practically begging for comfort yet I have none to give.
And I warned them all the same,
That I felt it depleting more and more.
So now it’s my turn to laugh and smile.
Enjoy the villain you created
While I enjoy your pain as you’ve enjoyed mine

I forgive you…
It’s hurt so long, kept me awake for many nights.
This is not just meant for one person but all of those that I’ve held so much anger against for hurting me.
I forgive you,
I can’t be angry anymore I can’t hate anymore.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again, maybe one day we can be friends again.
All I know is that right now I forgive you and I hold nothing against you,
And if by chance you think of reaching out one day don’t be scared to,
I won’t turn you away instead I will be nothing but happy and glad that you did.
Until then or we never meet again,
I hope and pray all you’ve wished for and work for pays off.
I hope your dreams come true and your life is full of abundances beyond your measure.
I hope that you find the peace you’ve been searching for, I pray that your nights are no longer haunted by nightmares.
I hope one day you can forgive me too, for any and all I’ve ever done to hurt you.
There’s nothing I can say more than I am sorry for ever hurting you,
Maybe that was the reason I was hurt too.
I don’t really know,
Stay safe.
I love you, always will.

Actual rest is a dream I long for,
Everytime I close my eyes and drift away.
I am met by the mirror,
This mirror becomes a screen of replays
The pain i put her through,
I am growing now and learning to become a better person and asking for forgiveness
Yet I am still met nightly by this same recurrence
My soul forbids me to forget,
Betrayed by my own soul, I am tormented
Burst into reality, I sometimes awake to throwing up and cold sweats.
Will this ever end...

It’ll be too late before she realized
That I could’ve done it

By all the gods I will hate.
I will hate you.
Twisted and blinded by whatever you fill your head with,
I came with offers of more than just the mundane.
And met with conflict and strife.
True I was becoming better than I thought possible,
Yet now after months of torment and being lied to.
I have no more to give you.
You have won what you’ve always wanted when you were drunk and oblivious.
I will hate you till I long gone.
Pray you made the right choice