It’s days like this that I wish the bullet hadn’t jammed in the chamber,
That the car had burned.
That it all ended.

In the End,
Becoming a ghost,
Focusing on myself rather than pleasing everyone.
Truly was the right decision.
The liars exposed, selfish were knocked of their high horses.
All masks one by one all removed.
In the End,
I’m growing, healing, hard working.
All the hard work is paying off.
If only they would’ve just believed in me like I  believed in them.

I had good intentions. But I’ll always be the *******.
Even when it hurts it’s okay
Whatever you need

In the midst of darkness,
Her soft voice quiets my tormented soul.
There’s no judgement, no belittling.
Instead she noticed I wasn’t doing the things I loved,
Her first response was to check on me.
And stayed on the phone as long as we could.
Saying goodnight back and forth,
Everytime getting a little quieter and softer.
Her little laugh and smile.
While the world pushes me to use anger and become the very villain I’ve wanted to escape from.
She only asks that I take a breath and rest.
My niece, her mom (my sister) and cousin all know her now, she wasn’t afraid to get to know them.
Now she knows how much they mean to me and I to them.
She met my family up north, and wants to meet my parents.
She’s gentle and kind.
It’s easy to talk to her,
It’s new.
There’s no pressure only encouragement that goes both ways.
I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us,
And I love every moment I spend with her.

I pushed her as far away as I could.

I found beauty in the darkness.
Most fear there unknown,
Many avoid the possibility and uniqueness.
There is beauty within the darkest parts of one’s soul.
The purity of it.
Which is where I learned never to judge one based on their past.

‘Have a little faith in me’ plays softly in the background as we dance under our night sky.
The clock strikes 12, fireworks all throughout the city welcome in a new year.
As we share our first New Years kiss together,
This moment frozen in time with full realization that we would never have to feel the same hurt from those who we were with just a year before.
No more false I love yous, no more half effort.
No worry of jealousy or anger, immaturity.
The beautiful moment signifying something new, safe and free.
-
Today we play ‘Have a Little Faith In Me’ and I love seeing you smiling,
It’s full of hope and excitement.
Making snow angels in the backyard or snowboarding at the resort.
Snow ball fights and sledding.
Gaming all night or binge watching Greys Anatomy,
Marvel vs DC comparisons, taking our pups Daeny and Brady on hikes.
Life is good finally
Finally we can be who we are,
With no one to hold us back from becoming who we are meant to be.

One day, I’ll stop writing
One day, I’ll stop dreaming
One day, I’ll stop believing
One day, I’ll stop hoping
One day, I’ll stop trying
One day there will be no more poems written by me
And there won’t be anymore pain
One day I’ll be gone
Maybe it’s today

Actual rest is a dream I long for,
Everytime I close my eyes and drift away.
I am met by the mirror,
This mirror becomes a screen of replays
The pain i put her through,
I am growing now and learning to become a better person and asking for forgiveness
Yet I am still met nightly by this same recurrence
My soul forbids me to forget,
Betrayed by my own soul, I am tormented
Burst into reality, I sometimes awake to throwing up and cold sweats.
Will this ever end...

Isn’t it cruel and profoundly interesting that in the end you play your game with others feelings.
That once again you think yourself innocent while  this whole time I was blind.
Things you want your way and if not you destroy that person.
What kind of a monster did I fall in love with.

I love And will lose.
To the end of an era,
She’ll be clinging to the past,
When the world revolves

“Hey you’ve been distant today, btw I swung by your aunts and your sisters today said hey, they said they miss you. Also yes I posted a pic to Snapchat for the first time in awhile cuz didn’t want you to forget my goofy *** face. I’ll bug ya later. I love you”
It’s the little things that make the difference,
She understands that I’m working on getting my GED and hopefully a good job before I join the military.
Idk she’s different, no rush and no worries.
Just understanding and patience,
It’s something new

The quiet echoes,
The end of the valley the faint…
“Hear me”.
Voice hindered bequeathed by love.
Squable, gamble, cower.
I hear the whispers.
Loving dotes, another year.
Yet I find myself,
Troubled.
My love,
The moons phases, time itself ceaseless.
Your gaze ever so timeless.
Your embrace ever so stillness.
The winter comes and the wolves embrace.
Hounds howl, and the battle endures until heavenly gates.

I forgive you…
It’s hurt so long, kept me awake for many nights.
This is not just meant for one person but all of those that I’ve held so much anger against for hurting me.
I forgive you,
I can’t be angry anymore I can’t hate anymore.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again, maybe one day we can be friends again.
All I know is that right now I forgive you and I hold nothing against you,
And if by chance you think of reaching out one day don’t be scared to,
I won’t turn you away instead I will be nothing but happy and glad that you did.
Until then or we never meet again,
I hope and pray all you’ve wished for and work for pays off.
I hope your dreams come true and your life is full of abundances beyond your measure.
I hope that you find the peace you’ve been searching for, I pray that your nights are no longer haunted by nightmares.
I hope one day you can forgive me too, for any and all I’ve ever done to hurt you.
There’s nothing I can say more than I am sorry for ever hurting you,
Maybe that was the reason I was hurt too.
I don’t really know,
Stay safe.
I love you, always will.

After everything I’ve been through,
Coming to the conclusion that I will never trust or love anyone again.
There she is,
And without hesitation I fell

How do you explain to someone who’s the gentlest and kindest person that you are broken?
That even though they are so patient and care about you with immense support for the dreams and aspirations you are trying to be.
That regardless of my sometimes monotone responses and zoning out.
She smiles with the brightest smile, “I’m here.”
How do you tell that wonderful and truly amazing person that you don’t believe you can be fixed.
That the last girl ripped everything good and loving.
That she’s taken everything good and hopeful out.
Used it to benefit herself, used me and threw me away like trash.
How do you tell this incredibly loving woman who would move mountains for you that I am terrified it’s going to happen again.
That if I give my all again to someone, I believe they will take it all.
Then change & words of love turn to words of hate.
Words such as “you are nothing, you are no one.”
She wonders why when I wake up in the middle of the nights from revisiting the horrors of a person who only knows selfishness.
How I see and smell the fire everyday.
How I often wonder why she would wake up with me, her hand rubbing my back and then getting a cold water.
Seeing her face light up when she picks me up from work, her laughing with my dad while they talk about the Raiders and fishing.
How when we get home, my mom hugs her & they’re already talking about what to make for dinner.
Relaxing on the couch with her and her asking to watch Star Wars or Marvel, Game of Thrones, Lord of the Rings, Greys Anatomy.
Carnival Rides & going to the track to watch the Horse Races.
We go to the movie theater every Tuesday as our movie date night.
How do I tell her that I am terrified of being so broken that she could get hurt because of someone else’s damage.
How do I tell her I’m falling in love with her yet I’m scared to.
Because I don’t want to hurt her in any way

I feel as if my time is near its end.
Premonitions haunt my mind as it also drains my soul.
I’ve lived through many instances where either I should’ve died or that I did and someone or something always brought me back.
Repeated pressure on my chest,
Forcing air into my lungs.
No one ever tells you how much it hurts when you finally inhale that deep exhausting and painful breath.
How your eyes are watery and burn.
Your chest feels like it’s been crushed.
Your throat is drier than the Gobi desert.
Then everything else hurts,
Your head pounds for a while.
Everything is laggy vision wise.
Hearing is echoey.
Or another thing,
The electrical shock to your chest.
You wake up tingly.
Same painful breaths and all of the above,
Just add tingly.
Like your entire body was nerve wise asleep and it’s all tingly.
-
Every time I’ve come back I feel less.
This last time I came back she was still punching my face.
Couldn’t see out of my right eye,
My neck felt like barbed wire was wrapped around it and rubbed it raw.
The aftermath of her choking the life out of me.
And for what?
Unresolved issues that she never spoke of to any of her family,
Yet takes every aggression out on me.
The one person who would never hit her,
And just let her do it.

There are days where I wish that I hadn’t gotten out of that vehicle that burned & the flames roared.
I should’ve stayed in that seat,
Life wouldve went on for a lot of people.
I’d fade away from memory and existence.
No one would care to even remember why should they?
If I had accepted that it was the end of all things for me,
I’d be at peace now.
Not this hollow shell of whoever I thought I was before.
Terrified of the world
Pressured now to enjoy the life I have.
That’s the problem,
I can’t because there never was any reason to enjoy it before and maybe I had cheated death.
Maybe I was supposed to go.
Next time I wont try to intervene,
Next time I will go gladly

Two worlds, separate expectations.
Two soul, separate by idealizations.
One chooses family, the other isolation.
One hindered by idealism, the other by pragmatism.
Have I truly lost the one?
Is this the curse of the the ******* son?

It’s strange seeing all of my high school friends who were in JROTC with me,
They all joined the military and are leading amazing lives.
I often think about what could’ve happened if I didn’t have to drop out and work.
I’d probably be living my life, I would’ve graduated and joined.
Maybe then everything would’ve been better.
Now I just gotta work harder to catch up

It’s amazing how something so simple can be taken out of context so easily.
Now I paint with crimson red, tracing the delicate edge of my skin.
I don’t want to die, I don’t want everything to end.
Yet this is so freeing, the intoxication of it.
I’ve been awake for three days,
I close my eyes to rest and I’m flooded with thoughts.
The ideas of what I can do with my life,
The pressures I put on myself to get there.
Knowing I worry a few good people in my life,
The anticipation of the lectures that are repetitive,
Of how apparently people know what I need to hear or what I need to do.
If they were right I would be better now wouldn’t I?
And everyone thinks it’s so easy when in reality if they even knew how much it takes to even do simple tasks.
How the judgment feels when I do the things I love,
It’s hypocritical.
Almost poetic how one moment they need me to have all the answers and the next they’re pious.
I see the world for what it is,
Maybe because I’ve been closer to death I consider him an old friend.
It’s true the floors are painted red with dark red,
Frankly I am exhausted and have no more energy for well anyone.
Now I just want to work as much as I can so I can disappear.
I’ve given people chances, some too many.
Now I truly am addicted to being alone,
The safety of it, the comfort of knowing there are no eyes peering into my soul so they can rip it out.
My uncle had the right idea, he warned me long before of how people were.
I often wondered why he preferred to live a nomadic life,
I understand now.
It’s peaceful.

To many that have known me before will only ever see me as the boy I was.
Young, insecure & stupid.
Immature, childish & reckless.
Today no one knows me,
No one took the time to really see who I am or who I’ve become.
I am what they all made me bit by bit.
That young carefree & selfless boy went through hell alone,
They all played their parts in killing that boy.
One by one.
Of course they all said the same things,
You’re amazing you’ll do great things, I love you, I’ll never leave you, I won’t do anything to hurt you.
Those promises lasted about a day for some.
Today,
I like to think sometimes that they wonder how I turned out.
Then I remember they never cared so why should I?
I’ve become the ghost I never wanted to be,
But I had to become.
Now no one will ever know who I am.
Being alone, it’s better
It’s safer.

My reactions are overreactions
My sadness is overcome and protected by anger
I am not in control and I am trying to learn how to control them
I am not the demons in my head
I am not the monster
I can be better
I can be in control.
I don’t want to be this way anymore
I don’t want to be the one screaming and begging for help inside
While angrily yelling outside and pushing everyone away
Help...
Please be patient with me...

Words fall short,
There’s no other way of saying that a broken souls love is meaningless to the her.
The conversation of my emotions turns into an argument
I’m never heard
And the twist is she always says it’s just me with the problem

Death was comforting,
It was silent, still & peaceful.
Then I heard the rumbling, the cracking.
It was the first time I saw the thunderclouds roaring their tremendous roar.
The lightning piercing the sky and the hill.
I heard “not yet”
That’s when I felt the air in my lungs again,
She was still ontop of me punching with all of her might,
Choking me once again.
Smile on her face.
I used whatever I had left to push her off me,
I pushed her back so she was standing and I could finally stand up.
I knew my family was right outside that hotel room door and I couldn’t see out of my right eye but I opened the door. They walked in looks of horror as they saw my bloodied beaten face.
I turned back and there she was sitting as if nothing happened.
The irony of all this is that I never hit her once.
I didn’t want to hurt her,
Regardless of me not fighting back,
She enjoyed it.

I know now,
I lived the most I can.
I loved and it wasn’t enough.
I know that she will be okay.
I know that I loved her,
And I know that it’s time.

I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

Truly I believed I knew hate…
I knew the purest feeling of rage,
The raw untamed feeling of anger…
This…
This is different.
I’ll burn the world down.

It’s understandable,
My life is complex though I wish it was simpler.
There’s the past me who loved being toxic & never gave a second thought.
There’s the part of me that my father wishes me to be, the side I despise the most.
And then there’s me now,
I’m living in between life & death it seems.
I really don’t care anymore,
I just choose to be happy.
Yet everyone will always see the old me.
Hopefully some don’t.
Itd be nice if someone would understand.
That the world is truly full of unknowns and worrying about everything is pointless because what matters is now.
Until the day comes that someone can truly understand or accept me then I suppose it’s just me.
And that’s okay.

I’m just a ******* boy with nothing to lose.

Thunder cracks & rumbles
The lightning flashes like the sun.
Most run & hide in fear,
Yet some smile & bask in awe as nature cries.
Happiness or anger,
The storm brews.
She says I dance in the midst of the rumbling.
I dance with the lightning as my tempo,
The thunder as the bass.
She sees that my name was given because I was born and named for the thunderstorm.
She’s the first to say what my ancestors and family have known.

It’s almost as if the tides have changed,
The odds are working in my favor now.
Everything is working out for the better this time.
And it feels like this time it’s all going to be okay.
That’s a strange but comforting feeling.

Some nights I lie awake staring at the ceiling,
The realization that truly something inside was broken deep down.
Never again to be healed.
The switch permanently off.
Staring beyond the ceiling almost ceaselessly and hopelessly searching for a way to bring it to life again.
Suddenly I remember that I have to breathe.
That hard burning gasp of air that leaves my eyes watery.
When I sleep I dream,
Those vivid flashbacks of well everything.
Almost in a blink of an eye it’s time for work,
Another day another dollar.

Honestly I didn’t plan for this to happen but I’m glad you’re here.
I met you last summer after I’d gone through the worst breakup I’ve ever had.
And here you are again,
It can’t be anything more than coincidence right?
Never thought I’d find you again. Or you find me.
Guess I gotta move to England sometime haha

I have to lose her to make it work

Your first mistake was thinking you could even speak her name.
That’s my world and I’ll still do whatever it takes to make sure she’s happy and safe.
Even from you.

I broke my best friends heart, chasing a lover that couldn’t understand my soul

Well I suppose I did grow up,
I grew cold.
And yet some wonder why still.
Look in the mirror,
I was left to face my battles alone.
I then grew comfortable choosing to fight some alone.
Now sometimes I find myself wondering if growing cold was worth it.
I still give chances,
When those run out I respond in annoyance or brutal honesty.
Once again villain in my former friends stories.
Past loves find me callous at times.
And all I can do is sigh heavily, smoke a cigarette and move forward.

It’s strange having someone check on you,
Notice the signs that it’s a bad day and instead of leaving you to your thoughts.
To have someone who checks on your family since you live there,
How instead of judging you by your past, only hopes & dreams of the future with you.
It’s a strange feeling,
Mainly cuz I know I don’t deserve her.
Yet here she is, hasn’t given up on me yet.
The craziest part was when I told her what I wanted to do for a career, all she said was okay well let’s hope whatever you get stationed we can go with you.

I push everyone away,
It’s safer.
Maybe they were right.
I’m just too broken and too far gone.
Either way they’ve all never really knew me.
And now no one will

By all the gods I will hate.
I will hate you.
Twisted and blinded by whatever you fill your head with,
I came with offers of more than just the mundane.
And met with conflict and strife.
True I was becoming better than I thought possible,
Yet now after months of torment and being lied to.
I have no more to give you.
You have won what you’ve always wanted when you were drunk and oblivious.
I will hate you till I long gone.
Pray you made the right choice

I know now that one day I will die,
Sudden and quick.
And I know that in this life I was meant to find you but never call you mine.
I’m too messed up, too damaged and too broken and you’ll always try to save me.
I can’t let you do that…not without losing yourself.
I love you, more than you know and I’ll never stop loving you.
Choose him instead of me,
And hope it was the right choice because I will worry everyday if it was…
Because I can handle that and I don’t want to put your through that…

Books, movies tv shows.
I’ve learned many things from them,
One lesson from a show that I remember now,
That in the face of any trial or tribulation,
I can overcome it.
To stick to what’s right, the truth.

She doesn’t know,
I have to hurt myself everytime I feel happy.
She doesn’t know that the girl before I’ve protected.
I told the other girl it was okay everytime she hurt me.
I have to protect her from the dark reality of you can’t even be really happy.
Even if you are…
You’re just never enough.
For anyone.
Even the girl who smiles so gently, who bought a plane ticket when your job called saying you hurt your back and you’re on your way to hospital.
You can’t and you’re willing to let her go because you are nothing compared to what she deserves.
You’re nothing.
No one.
What matters is you make enough money and you are able to take care of everyone it doesn’t matter how hard or how long you work
No one knows
no one cares.
You can’t do anything without your back.
So don’t get anyones hopes up.
So you break their hearts,
Because you can’t tell them you love them so much that you have to.

It’ll be too late before she realized
That I could’ve done it

Love is a dangerous thing,
You can put yourself on the line over and over again because you care about that one person so much.
In the end they just leave, they’ll never know much you sacrificed for them.
They don’t care why should they?
Being alone is better.

Sitting in a chair with a coffee in one hand at a breakfast restaurant , the sun was shining and everyone was walking by going about their everyday life.
Just as I was about get to leave I heard your voice,
“hey Josh”
I turned around and saw you there smiling,
Even though I knew something was wrong.
You didn’t need to explain you sat down immediately and we sat there in silence as if we were honoring a loss.
He had broken up with you because we were all supposed to meet to discuss our lives together.
When you’d finally told me, you tried to leave.
And I responded with
“I have loved you from the moment I met you, everyday I wanted to be a part of the world you are in. I was an young and stupid idiot who never could get control of their feelings or emotions, but you I finally saw that it was possible. And that anything is indeed possible. I look at you and you are the strongest and bravest person I know. I’ve loved you when I was able to hold you in my arms. I’ve loved you from afar when you’d left to find yourself again. And I will always love you no matter what.”
She smiled,
“Can we just run away? Can we just go?”
And just like I woke up.
Back to reality where I know I’ll never be able to call her mine again

What do you do when your entire world is flipped?
When you think you finally know all the variables only to learn that it was all a lie?
That you’re really nothing.
No one.
For a time I was the son of a powerful and terrifying man with a dark history,
The son of a woman who left me to have a better life.
I learned many things from a sister who was an evil that knew the best.
I admired a brother who was a formidable force.
Most of my life was just endless pain and torment from all sides
It’s all I’ve ever known.
Only to find out it was all a lie.

It’s almost poetic,
Ones forever loved and will always be perfect and remembered.
And then there’s me.
As always there has to be balance right?
When there’s good there has to be bad.
Somehow I’m the bad one.
I’m the one who will never be accepted.
The one who’s going to always be remembered as the villain.
As the entire truth is twisted to fit both of our needs.
I see it now.
I was the perfect choice to be the opposite wasn’t I.
A stupid boy who only knew how to run or who tried too hard to be better than what he was.
A idiotic boy who was accustomed to being the one who everyone threw their blame.
A boy who didn’t know how to react to anything other than to scream out of the pain.
Who didn’t know how to even react,
Just a scared pathetic boy who reacted.
Now he’s forever the villain in your story.
Family is lie to him.
Even though he hoped and prayed every night for one.
Love is dangerous to him,
Even though he wished for the warmth of it.
Stability, happiness, joy.
All the things he wished for throughout his childhood,
The very things he envied every other person for.
There’s no chance for him.
The odds were always against him.
Yet now that he’s older & a little wiser now he realizes he was meant to be your villain. Or at least your families villain
He sees the truth.
His entire life has been for a reason,
He’s meant to be villain isn’t he?
He prayed to whatever god would listen that he could be shown what he needed to be for you.
And little did he know…
He was meant to be the villain in your story,
You deserve better, the balance.