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Aug 2020 · 91
N & Y
May this be something with the potential of humanely beauty

Not:
one who gives and another who takes
that could be classified as exploitation

Not:
two selfish people who only expect from each other because if expectations are not fulfilled tyrants can grow resentful and angry

Yes:
to two people who give and nourish one another in this dance of life leaning on each other when needed, and springing back up on their own two feet so as to not lose themselves in the identity of each other

Yes: to partnerships deeper than personality and skin that bind at the spirit
and whose intimacy becomes richer with the years

Yes: to unconditional acceptance & love–
no judgement zones, the space to be openly flawed without shame
the dust beneath the feet of protestors
rises and still we try to grip a vision
that lies outside this framework         “bring me a more equitable world”  

the death tolls on newspapers
increase and yet some still need to find the decency
to put on masks                                 “bring me a more educated world”

the high number of environmental protection laws
reversed are narrowing not just of our own chances of survival
as a species  but those of all creatures                   
                                    ­                      “bring me a more sustainable world”

the lines at food banks and distribution centers
lengthen and yet the sum needed to feed the mouths of others
does not seem to be agreeable when drafting legislation                      
                                                               “­bring me a more compassionate
                                                                ­  world”
the great waiting  
seems to be in great motion        “bring me ...” I no longer need you to
                                                          bring me anything

                                                           I will bring it
                                                          I will venture out
                                                        I will create
                                                     I will learn more
                                                  I will open my own mind
                                               I will think for myself
                                                      

        ­            I do not need you to bring me anything
                      that paradigm is over;
                                             
                  ­                        I will go get it

                                           I
                                           will
                                           manifest
                                           it
          ­                                
draw parts of those lines  __             that will help connect us to it
draft:
needs specific examples and some research
Aug 2020 · 37
...longing
played too many albums and ran my fingers down too many cold pillows that at this point I should feel silly
which I do only because they aren’t you
I could never put into words until now
the warm sensation of menstrual blood trickling down my hand
or the smell of dried blood stuck to public hair
and how every time I walked passed the butchers or deli department at the local grocery store
I could recognize the smell of blood dripping from tissue left on white sheets displaying the cuts of meat
sheets the same color as the toilet paper I use every month
to examine the clumps of the ****** that flow downwards
to be born life-less much like a flank stake behind the glass case
****** stuff
Aug 2020 · 105
sea (tictoc del reloj)
sea la manera en la cual observas las cosas
o la manera en la cual escuchas
sea tu sonrisa o la forma en cual deslizás tus dedos sobre
el tablero de trastes
sea la amplia manera en la cual tu presencia llena un cuarto
sean las semanas que se hacen dias
sean ellas las que me traigan mas cercana a ti
con el tictoc del reloj
free write
escritura libre
"I choose spirit
the all-encompassing" I remind myself

I do not need to pack nice dresses
or many pairs of shoes
I do not need to take the rings
or earrings
not even the bracelets engraved with my name
I do not need to take books, old journals or certificates

I do not need to be what I have been
unless it submerges me deeper
into this sea that resides amongst my floating ribs
unless it guides me
down past the twilight zone and into the enveloping darkness
of the midnight aphotic zone where I can find
what the anglerfishes feed on/ what gives life when the warm light of the sun cannot follow
and plummet
like my will further down



until it can pierce through the veil of the material world

until I come back to this room as an angler fish and feed off the cocktail dresses and light  the dark deary rooms of the old home I grew up in with bioluminescent bacteria and have no need for shoes or jewels
free write: packing was on my mind
Aug 2020 · 143
Coalescing Prayer
One of my mother's best friends lost her mother.  She told us she would have risked the flight home but would have been quarantined for 14 days, and thus she would have still missed the funeral. Instead, she'd hold a service at a local Buddist temple in Long Beach, where the monks could help move her mother to the next stage.

...
We drove 20 minutes on the 710 Hwy to the temple. We pulled into the parking lot, walked to the entrance, took off our shoes, and then proceeded to look for her among the mid-sized crowd.

...
We met eye to eye and exchange greetings. Her slender frame and thin arms joined ours as we embraced.    

Simply, nothing could be said. Silence. No words from my mouth.
I could not think of a sentence that could alleviate her sorrow or could raise the landlocked wings of the jetplane she couldn't take.

...
My friend's mother is strong; a passing stranger on the street could easily mistake her petiteness for fragility, but as she walked back and forth aiding the monks and helping the staff at the temple prepare the food –her strides told you otherwise. It was clear that she mustered all her strength and kept it on her like a coat completing task after task. Someone else that might have kept their face stoic or pushed it all down, but she allowed herself to be all four seasons,as she continued to make her way through the temple.

...
White taped 'X''s spaced six-feet-apart over the carpet told you where to sit; we inclined our head and prayed, hoping the intention of our words would coalesce with theirs; that our Spanish could shed its cultural coat and join the energy of their prayers in Khmer.
In the time fo COVID, one of the hardest things you can do is try to travel. Whether it be from your home to the store or from the your country to another.

My mother's dear friend lost her mother and could not attend the funeral because of the current international situation.  As I have not yet lost a parent,t I cannot imagine how she must be feeling.

I try to process events through writing and so I wrote this.
Aug 2020 · 28
Your breath
drift into sleep and wake to a new day
there is no need to worry or carry heavy thoughts
let your body dissolve into the calm of your breath
Aug 2020 · 59
.
.
You feel genuine to me
natural
a breeze with the right temperature
a soulful hand with profound brown eyes that sail like ships through this life’s ocean
your mainsail and jib that have weathered storms give me the courage to steer
Aug 2020 · 33
here, there, over there
I am here
in the vastness
surrounded by the best thoughts I can muster

I am there
in the openness
willing to accept these great opportunities for change

I am over there
waiting for the door to unlock
engulfed in hope, I patiently sit
listening to the mystery rattle its keys
as it stands outside over the welcome mat
Aug 2020 · 49
.
.
May the slow falling of the rains
sing you a lulling song
Jul 2020 · 43
when you smile...
when you smile the sun recognizes itself on foot
when you smile the earth bears fruit
when you smile even though it has been rough, in you I see me
when you smile there is a gleam that emerges from your eyes
when you smile all dreams seem possible
when you smile, I do not take life for granted
when you smile, I want to be greedy and see you smile, again
when you smile continuously, I know it is your gift to the world
when you smile during these times, I am sure you have chosen joy
when you smile I am humbled at the beauty of your being and I am reduced to sifr "0 /zero" and at the same time I am irrefutably everything when you decide to smile we decide to smile, too lovingly and in the direction of the present & the future
Jul 2020 · 41
/listen
I fold over the cool sheets/ let my skin warm/
I have a headache/I want to rest now/ I read too much/ I forget to wear my glasses/  I am too curious for excuses so I made due by pressing the book closer to my face/ now I need to recuperate/ play music/ drink tea/ memorize silly puns/ lighten the load/ cleanse the soul/ stimulate gratitude/ light a candle/ call beauty by its name/ come into presence/ listen
Jul 2020 · 550
Unclaimed (Hart Island)
Off the coast of the Bronx
at the western end of Long Island
before ships landed: the home of the Siwanoy tribe
once the training ground of the 31st U.S Colored Infantry Regiment
according to records, a prisoner of war camp in 1864
later referred to as  "Potter's Field" or "City Cemetery"
then a quarantine station for yellow fever patients
as well as a women's psychiatric hospital & a tubercularium
on the west side of the islands
between an empty 4-acre space lived Solomon Riley's vision of black coney island during Jim Crow  
after the stay and departure of Pheonix house
Hart Island
now is the final resting ground for New York City's covid-19 victims
whose family could not or did not hire a private funeral director and so they were labeled "unclaimed"
Tragically, over 150,000 people have lost their lives and continue losing them.
I saw a picture of a mass grave and traced its location to New York City's Hart Island.  
I wanted to research what victims of Covid-19 were being buried at Hart Island in New York City's mass graves. I also wanted to explore the location's history in tandem.
Overall, it just breaks my heart that federal negligence has contributed to the loss of life. A first world nation with one of its wealthiest cities burying bodies in a mass grave; this is the state of the United States of America. I wish it weren't so.
I start counting the little blades of grass, one by one the day seems more abundant with life and more open to growth than what I could have imagined.
Jul 2020 · 83
.
.
May whatever comes your way dear
make ya' smile
may whatever view is framed
by your window awaken the timeless
beauty in ya'
for you too are reflected within it
let the swaying trees outside gently whisper 
towards your direction  "you are our brother"
Jul 2020 · 31
the scent of lonesome
let these hours pass and let them drift off
I ache to come closer
but I sit here like a duck waiting
for this world & its bureaucratic pile of paperwork
I teeter between excitement and longing

if lonesome has ever been a scent
it's the one I wear tonight
Jul 2020 · 40
..
..
I do not want fear or sorrow to be the companion of your heart during these long hours  
dear, if you could see yourself through these two brown eyes of mine
you'd be taken aback at how beautiful are
and you would understand
You are worthy and always surrounded by love
I want you to know this warmth
to feel never alone because this love is traveling, this calm is being cultivated and sent in your direction
Jul 2020 · 115
.
.
Don’t let there be gloom, it is so easy for it to grow when watered
it will cover even the most beautiful of flowers,
you’ve always been gifted with a green thumb, and a large heart
you deserve to harvest
lovely things are coming
water those blossoms because they do give fruit
Jul 2020 · 44
.
.
It is days like these my being howls and wishes to diminish distance, fold miles and come close to you.
Jul 2020 · 53
1. to rise
this hope
it lights up the sky
and there is no fighting
its right to rise
among all the debris of the past
Jul 2020 · 37
I push through
I push through
hanging little paper notes on trees
pinning up reminders on walls
walking my feet over the grass
and running my finger through my hair
I push through
mustering a little storm of hope
to shake with gusts of wind and cleanse with water
all the negative thoughts
Luna lounges under the sun walk off when it gets too hot, seeking the cover of tree branches and the opportunity to sleep
When Luna gets comfortable, he rolls on his back; his little belly exposed and the hue of his fur darkening as the sun sets over us, I, too, lay on my back looking up the sky observant and still
waiting to see the planets
Saturn at 7:38 pm
Mars at 11:31 pm

during the day there is talk of another cold war & a reignited space race as Amal, mission"Tianwen, and Perseverance " make their way to the red planet I remain over the grass curious to the gifts the night can bring
Jul 2020 · 30
Guava (blossoms dancing)
the guava flowers are in bloom
late in summer they dismount
from the circular green lumps free-falling
down onto the grass

specks of white fill the ground
lulling like dancers do
to the rhythm of song
sinking down in the absence of gust and lifting up when the wind picks up
Jul 2020 · 102
.
.
I think you would find me silly
for closing my eyes not just for the purpose of sleep but for the purpose of seeing your face in a lucid dream
Jul 2020 · 53
and how
I wan to laugh,
throw off my hat
wave my scarf in the air
and just be languid and in awe
with how my legs can carry all my weight
and how my heart can pump all that blood

and just be reflective and impressed
with the way life tears down all superiority even "moral superiority "
to teach, teach, teach  there is no superiority
and how rhythm is integral not just to music but to words
just like freedom is integral to the shaman, the preacher,
the guru, and the person soaking up their verse
Jul 2020 · 53
Ants in a forest of hair
with the grass below my feet and the cooling wind
blowing away the heat
I came to sit under a little tree
trying my best not think about  "later today" or "in a minute"
I had held onto the notion of time so tightly this year
that every time a plan was pried out of  my arms
I did more than cry

I slouched
I cursed
I became a flagging runner with a mile to go
an archer's arrow still far from its mark  

so today as I mediated
I could sense them
ants beginning to run up my legs
and into the forest of hair between my thighs
I was present enough–
I jumped up and shrieked
then I laughed

a friend sitting near me laughed too
I wondered if they had ants crawl up their legs too
Jul 2020 · 114
A womxn after her own soul
I am being stretched and little parts of me are ripping off

but I want to, I want to grow
even if it’s not always pleasant

I want to be a womxn after her own soul
i want my authenticity far more, for I fear
I cannot compromise these lengthy rivers in me
they span too wide
and some too deep 
flowing rapidly down steep mountains
and over vast stretches of land
flooding plains, but also paradoxically
in arid climate nurturing seedlings
Jul 2020 · 70
.
.
At random hours of the day
I feel a warm pulse in my chest
and the image of you surges from the depths of my mind
Jul 2020 · 29
Trust
I lean into trust as if it were a warm bath
my skin bare and submerging into it’s therapeutic waters to be embraced and calmed
Jul 2020 · 35
Young mouths
silence
has never suited young mouths
at least not these
Jul 2020 · 68
Are there
the line is long and only continues to get longer
there so many mouths to feed and this food bank
does it have enough ?
are there hymns for the hungry
like the ones the protester sing in Portland as they march tonight
Jul 2020 · 86
.
.
May it pull all your seams
tightly together so that today
you feel whole

May your eyes source the world
catalogue its pieces
so that in silence you fall gently
into its beauty
again, and again and again
Until you dissolve
into it’s charm
There are four mariachis sitting in a circle  and two more bolitas of three standing a few feet away. Across the street, there are two more sitting on a bus stop bench, neither seem to have the intention of boarding a bus, as they keep letting them pass by. All of them are waiting–

I see four more in a white mini-van with the passenger door open to let in the cool breeze.

None of the musical charros are playing music. The only tunes being played in a plaza named  after them in Boyle Heights comes from the señor with a plastic tent selling masks and other trinkets. He’s playing old school Mexican boleros ( the kind I really love) through a loud speaker.

I hum along to the ones I know as I walk to the bookstore only to find it is also closed. I start to look around, and everything with the exception of  a corner coffee shop are closed. That’s why they are here, that’s why there are so many Mariachi in the plaza today, no one has come. They are waiting for employment to put some food on the table and pay some bills.

Everything is in waiting–
a forced wait that requires hope. That is also why there are lots of Mariachi at the plaza.  They woke up, tightened their red bows, dressed up in their black suits and left their home with their instruments ready to go.
Draft
Jul 2020 · 42
i
i
i close my eyes and open my palms
to catch a dream i cannot yet see
wholesome love sits here
in the many "may's"
in the hope for what can be cultivated
and in the hope of what can come about

in the staircase of thoughts
and in the apex of

              /\          \               /     /\  
            / s \          \   self  /     / s  \
          /  elf \          \  lo- /     /  elf  \
        /      -    \          \ve/     /  -acce \
      /   value  \           \/     / ptance  \
                            
                      
            
stacked up against each other in the form a trapezoid

               \            /\           /
                 \solid/&\stro-/  
                  \    /  ng \     /
                    \/            \ /

we share mantras her and I, sisterly maneuvering through this life

"We want to feel better" & "we want to be better",
...and so we set about finding the right equations
stacking meditations upon visioning upon affirmations upon counseling upon books of poetry, and teary-eyed artworks that carry our twisted knots that do not undo with words or the spitting out of crunched up syllables onto the ground

so we make shapes, some geometrical like the ones above
This poem centers around my childhood friend and me, who have been actively encouraging each other to continue our self-growth, by exploring together the use of meditations,   affirmations, art, etc. There is something really powerful about sisterhood and our collective impact that I wished to allude to by referencing triangles which are the strongest shapes to build with in architecture

Personal growth is a journey; I have found that on this journey I need to surround myself with people and friends who actively try to grow, too (prioritize their growth) You need community dedicated to the same goal/objective.
Jul 2020 · 52
.
.
May better thoughts link arms
and dance their way into your mind.
Has there ever been a desert this wide
and hands as dry as mine
my feet are calloused but still keeping on route
nights of anticipation are betrayed by the rising over dry ground on the next day
nowhere near the destination

In the absence of water
sadness is beginning to fill my mouth
and in the heat, the mirages start to take human form
they speak to me of the treacheries of time
and the intervals of fate

am I, too far to know
or am I willfully bind
no, I close my eyes and I hear
the low voice
propelling my limbs onward
through the haze

Has a desert been this long
has it caused any other such an arduous
and throat-knotted journey with self-designated phlegmatic feet  

I thread forward with my two palms placed over my heart
And I speak to it “if this desert takes my mind, let it at least not take you and the hope that lingers in your chamber”
Jul 2020 · 47
this heap
this heap of words is soft
like old sweaters piled up
warm only where my body presses into it and molds
valleys of fabric and wrinkles of textile undulating
the shape of my hope
curving the scent of far waters
like a fountain spouting out and quenching
my mind with stillness
not far
but here in my palm
I hold patience
I muster everything I have got
into a small wooden mortar and begin
to press down on the pestle

A remedy, an elixir something to get me through these weeks, something to give me the patience
and most importantly
to give me the strength

I scrape of the paste-like substance off the stone, and lay it over my tongue

Tomorrow, I will wake up and repeat
I touch the insects bites
that have swollen up
and become bumps
on my right arm

I run my middle and index fingertips
over them and trace the Summer Triangle: Vega, Deneb, and Altair

I think to myself
It’s July, I should be able to walk outside at night and see them shine brightly in the sky
Jul 2020 · 45
Labyrinths
I see brilliance
wrapped around
their eyes

labyrinths that end
in the same place
which in truth
are gardens teeming with
all that spouts

I see them arrive light footed
and light hearted to this gentle abode
having circled and found their way
into our home
free write
My stream of consciousness
Jul 2020 · 51
On a windy day
I dream

   of the shifting seas
   of perusing the sky
            with my fingertips
       of lulling the warmth
                   from stars with the tune
                   the wind sings when it
                   crashes into me & slides
              through my hair
              repeatedly, stroking
                  the ends of  my curls  
            on a windy day

unfurling me
Free write
My stream of consciousness
Jul 2020 · 40
.
.
May you be engulfed by laughter
chuckle hard and feel at ease
At one with the flow of
life around you
May whatever negativity comes
your way fall of your shoulders
and dissipate like a cloud of dust
Jun 2020 · 48
.
.
May there
always be kindness
close to you
revealing itself
when you need it most
Jun 2020 · 167
juntando poetas
No se porque Dario se escapa de mi lengua
y porque Sor Juana sale de mi boca
pero los quiero
atrapar con las palmas de mis manos

nunca e ido a Nicaragua
solo a Mexico
pero me gustan, me gusta
la cadencia

quizas ire a chile por Mistral
o puede ser  que descienda sobre buenos aires
en busca del el flaco Spinetta
pues el también fue poeta

puede ser que regrese a San Miguel de Allende
para comprar mandado en el mercado
y ver si Cisneros compra fruta
pues a dado mucha
Jun 2020 · 80
Hiking Deserts (funis)
We drove in search of scenery
native to our southern California

We trodded down the dirt paths
among plants whose names were lost
and quelled by history
here given back
not by scientific categorization but by
the cathartic heat that whispered
of the past and its abiding
presence  

here I snapped the cord
and named the unlisted
parts of me until I
clearly recognized the snapping
of summer's end

soon the leaves
would crisp but
the heat would remain far
into winter I see her eyes twinkle
under the palo verde trees and I know

it never severed the
funis
from my naval, it extends
beyond death, further
than the desert plants
that her and I see on our hike
Jun 2020 · 40
re-
re-
Who I am supposed to be is a wildly distorted jumpsuit of thoughts that never quite fit who I am
–and who I am is constantly being re-discovered
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