I had a plan for the future
But I feel like this plan is falling apart
I purged for the first time in a year
It made me feel empty again
I don't know why I need to feel empty all the time, or maybe I do  
I am so scared of feeling things
So ******* scared of life that I rather live like a zombie
I try to break free from this grip depression has on me, but all it causes is blood to flow
I don't want to disappoint people
I don't want people to worry about me
but I'm getting bad again
I need pain, high and starvation to make me feel like I'm in control
but the truth is I'm not
I don't know what the **** god's plan for me is, but I'm sick of being his puppet
He can't own me. Nobody can
I will never be owned
I don't like restriction, I don't like people telling me I'm theirs
I';m scared that people have high expectations and will get disappointed once they find out what a mess I really am
I'm sick of myself
I'm sick of being this way
I want to feel happy again, I can't even remember how it feels to be ******* truly happy
that isn't normal, I'm a freak.
I can't live like this any longer
I'm so scared of life, I can't live any longer
it feels like I can't breathe
like the ground is disappearing underneath me and I'm falling in a ******* hole
I'm scared and my parents aren't there to help me
I'm scared of what I will do to myself
I don't want to leave the people I love behind, but I can't live like this any longer
I'm in so much pain and I can't even explain it
I can't even tell you how much it is
it's like every bone in my body, every part of my soul just shattered and is cutting up my innards
I can't do this anymore
I AM SCARED

Everything is fine I tell myself
Everything is fine
I take the blade and put it against my skin
I don't even want to do it anymore
Everyone will be disappointed
Everything is fine
Everything is fine
I tell myself as blood seeps out of my fresh cuts
Everything is ******* fine
I can't find my breath
I can't breathe
Everything is fine
I push harder and the blade hides itself in my skin
I stop and look at the damage I have  done
Warm red and cold water blend in as I'm leaning over the lake
Everything is fine

I lost weight again
Eating is getting harder and harder
I can't remember the last time I was hungry nor full
I want to stop eating completely
That's what my unhealthy side says
I want to stop eating and lose all the weight I put on in the hospital
I want my bones to show and I want to feel the way I did when I was skinny
This urge came suddenly
I don't know why or what to do about it
I want to be skinny again and there's no holding back this time

I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast
I fished for concrete
And happiness filled me when the rough stone hit my bones
I laughed like I had fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
Almost , almost but not really
I'm happy I found the concrete under my face, life popped the gun and I ran the race
Now I'm tired and done trying
I can see how small every single one of us is
How do we have the audacity to call ourselves big?
Is this the world we wanna text in?
Right cause thats all we do
I'm glad that I found the concrete
I'm glad I stepped out into the air and pulled the ground up really fast

It's sinks to the bottom of my soul
Like a rock in a river it flows and clutters up my insides
I never meant to feel this way, but I like it
I like to be in a world of my own
I changed
I never trusted people, but I found a person who makes me feel safe enough to share
Who makes it safe enough for me to be myself
I've never had that before
All the people before him abused me
They screamed at me, fought me, emotionally drained me.
But he's different
Funny how life can send you people when you don't expect it
When you feel like you'll never be happy again
And even though I still have a lot of  those moments, I know I have someone by my side to help me through it

There's so much pain
I can't breathe
I can't ******* breathe
It's like my body is giving up
That's it
I've had enough
I can't put up this fight and facade any longer
I'm so tired
I'm so tired of all the pain and the heartbreak
All these people are so lost and I can't help them
I'm useless
I need to help them
But I'm so tired
I'm done
I can't do it any longer
I can't live with all this pain
I just need the pain to be gone
I just need to be gone

I'm dissociating again
I can't connect with my body
My head's just floating in thin air, tired and at the verge of being psychotic
I can't remember what I did yesterday or the day before
I'm anxious, feel like everyone is watching me
I feel the need to hurt myself or worse for that matter
I made plans to end it again
At night nightmares haunt me
At day I feel like the body I'm in isn't mine
I'm scared to get a psychosis
I'm scared I'll suddenly start to lose my grip on reality