What happens when you bleed
To many times?
Do you run out of blood to shed?
Do you run out of dreams in bed?
What if I’ve met too many
Bad men?
Do I become just like them?
Do I stop loving and play pretend?
What if I’m cold and bloodless?
What if my feelings are spent?
Do I feel at all anymore?
How to I repent?

Romance is dangerous to desire,
When all of your flames are hellfire,
And all of the men you let touch you,
Do nothing but claw and clutch
At your heart,
Till it bleeds and you’re sore,
And you can’t see the point anymore,
Of love or of loneliness,
You don’t know what’s worse,
But you do know one thing,
You’re cursed.

Better the devil you know
They say
Better get watered to grow
But wait
You’d better be careful and think
She warned
You’d better be quiet and shrink
Or else
They’ll find someone better and leave
You there
But maybe you’re better alone than shared

I suppose the reason I’m so ******* myself
Is that I was an exceptional child
Who became a normal adult
And now I’m trying to teach myself
That normality is acceptable
And even enviable
That my achievements are good enough
Even though they’re not loud or spectacular
Even though I’m not the best
At anything
I suppose that becoming okay
Is about learning to become an exceptional adult
By not doing much at all

I am a twisted root
Bent in broken directions
So that now
The sweetness can’t get to my leaves
And my tree is dying

I know by your face
At the arrivals gate
Your kisses on my neck
As soon as you came back
I know by how you’d rather
Lose money and time
Than me
That you love me
I know by the way you watch me
Without speaking
That you want to hear
What I am saying
I know without you telling
Your laugh, your arms are spelling
That you love me and though
You won’t say it out loud
I know

I’d prefer devastation
To this desolation
I’d rather feel it all
Than to feel this empty
No tears left, no screams
Just the fakest smile that
Gets me through the day
Till I’m home
And I’m blank

Take me to Antigua,
Fall for me under the sun.
Love me for my soft, tanned skin.
Make me your only one.
I know you have it in you,
I know that you feel for me.
If you didn’t I would know,
I know more than you can see.
Just take me to Antigua,
You nearly flew me to Dubai.
Tell me that you love me,
It’s not your style I know, but try.
Rub sun cream on my shoulders,
By an infinity pool.
Tell me that no'one  ever  
Made you feel this way at all.
I’d make your life a daydream,
If you would only say you will.
Just take me to Antigua,
I’ve been yours, 2 years and still.

I am annoying and
You are indifferent
I pray to the stars and
You don’t believe in them
I’m full of love and  
You are just full
You never stop pushing though
I still pull
I’m a lot smarter than
You give me credit
And I hope for things knowing that
I’ll never get it
But you’re building money and
I’m building a home
And the way that you’re going
You’re dying alone

The loneliest feeling
I have ever felt
Was laying awake
Next to a sleeping man
Who didn’t care

Would you tear the petals off of a fresh red rose?
Would you stop the sun from warming your skin?
Would you take the birds voices from the morning chorus to silence them?
Would you dry up the oceans and never again feel it’s waves lap your toes?
Because to do any of these things would not be nearly as terrible as hurting you.
And yet you do hurt you.
So next time you want to hurt,
Remember the roses and the sun.
Remember the ocean and the birds,
And stop to remember how precious you are.

I probably deserve it,
Being ripped apart by a lonely heart,
For all the men I’ve made lonely,
For all the ones who’ve wanted to love me,
But I wouldn’t let them.
For them I suppose I deserve it,
To fall in love with beautiful strangers,
Who want me just to use me,
To be broken once again.
Its a strange affliction to constantly be
Underwhelmed by kind men,
Only to be charmed by the...
‘You’re too intense’
‘You’re a nice girl’
‘I’m just busy’
...from a blue eyed devil.
Maybe my heart is back to front.

He said does it always rain when you cry?
I said yeah I think so.

Midnight
Mid July
Even 22 degrees at night
Moonlit walk
Beams on the ocean
Hot and drunk from sweet cheap wine
Pebble pushed footsteps
Fake tan and hair dye
A fresh breeze in my lash extensions
The night and I juxtapose each other
Like two parts of myself I could mention

Ocean, sea, water I love,
Hold up his head,
Keep him above
Your swell, your waves, your deepest
Depths,
Sail him on back to within
My bredth.
Make it go fast,
But keep it slow,
Slow enough that he stays far
From below.
Water I love, ocean, sea
Bring my sailor back to me.

My trousers shrunk in the wash
The water was too hot
I wish I could put on a load
Filled with all the things they did
Everything that hurts me
The knives that twist in my gut
Day in
Day out
I wish I could shrink them too
So that they fit
The basket is overflowing
With items too large to wear
It’s all too big for me now

One first date (it was all it took)
Two bonfires (maybe three)
Three break ups (so far)
Four bad ideas (or were they all?)
Five hot tub dips (sounds about right)
Six lawnmower rides (that was new)
Seven heartbreaks (a day)
Eight other girls (probably)
Nine sleepless nights (a week)
Ten months…
…no..more…
Seventeen months
(But I never was good at counting).

What’s the point
Nobody is ever going to be you
And I don’t want anyone else
I just distract myself
With kisses
And hands on my skin
So I can pretend they’re yours
And stop feeling so empty
Just for a moment

As I take a reluctant step
Outside the endless circle
That is our one sided love story,
I can see that you were never
Running the race alongside me.
The circle drawn by only
My footsteps. Dragging, tired
And restless round the same
Old road is dusty and old.
As I pull my heavy heart
Outside the reach of your radar,
Which has ****** me back
With magnet force each time I’ve
Left before.
I see that though you and you alone
Have been the driving source
Of all my life for nearly 2 years now,
You are just fine without me.
The circle was mine alone.

Picture me stood on my favourite rock
Picture me in the sun
Picture me with drink in hand
When I'm dead and gone
Tell me that I'm beautiful and always get it right
Tell me I am wise, then lie and
Tell me I can fight
Keep me in your thoughts as something real and something pure
Keep me as a secret and
Keep me lonely yours
I want to be alive and real and tangible by your side.
But really I'm a dream, a thought, a happy little lie.

Turned 25
Disappointed to find
That I’m still the same girl
The one who can’t hide
From needing validation
Love self deprecation
And never on her own side

Turned 25
And was sad to find out
That I still don’t love love
That I’m better without
Despite being desperate
To feel something affectionate
And never really knowing why

Never grew up
I still love finding seashells
And feathers on the beach
Fathers to meet
Despite all my history
I think no one would miss me
If I vanished and changed my name

Never grew up
Collecting sparkles and gift cards
And losing my pills
I can never sit still
Despite diagnosis
And not of psychosis
I feel like I’m losing my mind

Messy hair
Windswept
Sea salt skin
Tired eyes
An outfit that doesn’t match
A morning swim
That’s how I want to be
That’s freedom to me

I was born just like you,
Reckless and free.
Strong and steady like mum,
I’ve grown up to be.
When I was young, you were fun.
You were silly and loud.
And everything I did,
Would made you proud.
We were thick as thieves then,
Partners in crime.
If I called you’d come running,
You made everything fine.
Then you changed,
You grew colder and older and sad.
The start of the rotting,
Of the closeness we had.
Now I still love you,
Like I did when I was three.
But these days I just feel like,
You don’t love me.
Once soft carpets I ran on,
Now eggshells of dread.
I no longer know with you,
Where’s safe to tread.
I still care enormously,
But I can’t take the bad.
At the centre of it all,
I just miss my Dad.

I love the colour grey
In an October sky
In the evening sea
In a clouded, misted moonlight
I love to wear grey
I love it’s simplicity
It’s like a cool embrace
After a dip in cold water
I love the colour grey
I love how it warms my soul

I’ll be fine
She says
After barely making it home
Without driving her car off a ******* bridge

You say you’ll never fall in love
And that’s okay
As long as I’m your favourite nothing
I will always stay
It’s enough for me to live my life
Floating in your peripherals
As long as you don’t find a better
Way to spend your intervals
I live in fear that one day you might
Meet a girl and change your mind
Then I won’t be your favourite
You’ll have no reason to be kind
Nothing won’t mean anything to you
Not like it was
I fear that one day you won’t need me
Because you will be in love

It must be nice if the
Worst day of your life
Is really just one day
Mine looks through my windows
It knows my email address
It feeds on my fear
And sleeps in my stress
The worst day of my life
Is eighteen months long
So far, and I don’t know
If I can go on
In this sleepless nightmare
Each day is the same
Many more months of worst days
And I’ll go insane

What a beautiful morning to be
In Jacobstow cemetery
Just sixteen degrees
Dew on the grass and trees
A damp wooden bench beneath me
And quiet souls around me
Taking in the scripture
Carved in moss covered stone
Nodding good morning to
The families long gone
Dandelions flick their mottled homes
As insects comfort resting bones
I could sit here every morning
And never feel alone

So small
I’m so small
So so small
That’s the only thing
Making me big enough
To be strong enough  
To be

I’m overwhelmed with gratitude
I am loved  
I love
I care and am cared for
I help and I am helped
This love is all the love I will ever need
I am they
And they are me

You’re the drug no one  forced me to take,
Warming my brain,
Numbing my pain.
Your sweet, soft remedy used to last weeks,
Now my hours are long,
And I’m singing our song.
These days I can’t feel if it isn’t with you,
Catching my breath,
Sad little death.
My pleasure was short lived but now it is gone,
With truth I broke trust,
Now it’s over for us.

And god I’d rather love,
This devil that I know
Than meet another man?
Oh no, I’d rather be alone.
Imagine if I met someone
Who measured up to you.
Hilarious, ridiculous,
A dream that can’t come true.
Stop my heart if he won’t have it,
Breathe for me, make it a habit.
Darling my souls yours to grab,
My devil, darling you.

You cant make your worth known
To those who would steal it
By giving a freebie to any who feel it
Your soul is expensive as is your mind too
So to cheapen your time is to cheapen you

Today I am part of the world
Sea salt crystallises in my veins
Sunlight sparkles in my eyes when I smile
Tree bark grows on my knees
And elbows
An autumn breeze drifts from
My mouth when I speak
I am a seashell underfoot
I am a January sunset
I’m a star
I’m full

I lie in bed
awake till 2,
Every night
To honour you.
I wrap myself in
Tears and wine,
To take away all my
Spare time.
I tell myself that
I’m okay,
Listen to Muna
Stayaway.
But I can’t breathe without
Your breath,
Without your depths I have
No depth.
I’m hollow and I’m filled
With pain,
Couldn’t bare to
Love again.  
I lie in bed
Awake till 2,
That’s all that I know
How to do.

You protected me when I was small,
You talked away my nightmares.
Stood up to the darkness,
And taught me I was safe there.
You were my hero and my best friend,
The man I trusted most.
Back when I was small,
Before you got so lost.
Now you won’t stand up for me.
Now I’m bigger than you.
Now you take orders from another,
I’m losing sight of you.  
You drink her venom freely,
Even when it spits on me.
You don’t care if it burns my skin,
As long as you dont see.
I miss that man,
I miss my hero.
It makes me sad,
It’s hard to swallow.

I miss the versions of myself,
That I've since packed away.
I miss the little girl,
Who played in her mind all day.
I miss the teenage rebel,
Who had no clue who to be.
I miss the young woman,
Who paved the way for me.
I miss the strength I had,
To face danger with a smile.
I miss the girl who used to run,
And appreciate each mile.
I miss the girl who loved herself,
When she had wider thighs.
The girl who without needles,
Looked fine in her own eyes.
I miss the me who made believe,
The me with endless hope.
I miss the me who slept and loved,
Inside my childhood home.
I miss myself but maybe
It’s all part of growing up.
Changing and transforming
Into me’s for me to love.

I hide my limp as well as I can,
Whilst my Lacoste trainers bite at my heels.
I try to look like I know what I’m doing,
Striding along central London streets,
A hidden google map at my side.
The sun is too hot to wear makeup…
Or socks as it happens which is why I have blisters.
Dodging past women in laboutins and men in suits,
I think to myself,
It’s lunchtime for the rich.
All of the restaurants are too expensive for me,
And they’d all want to eat me alive.
So I find some shade on the grass at Finsbury circus gardens.
I release my stinging feet from their white leather prisons,
And ground myself.
Whilst eating an egg sandwich out of a tinfoil wrapper,
I breathe a sigh of relief.
Exhaling my earlier fear,
I lived another day.

What a strange irony
To miss a past so intensely
That in the present was hell
But I knew it so well
In retrospect I was taught
To be strong with the fraught
And learn to appreciate
What once felt desolate
A strange irony indeed
To suddenly need
The things I was wasting
Flavours of pain I miss tasting

Oh it can all be so perfect
To be one with myself
And so two with any of you
Only my voice is song
Only my hands are healers
Seeing for myself is my only sight
Oh it can all be so wonderful
Living for myself
And not at all for you

The cruel irony in my nonchalance
When I gave you the space to move
The cruel trick in your ignorance
When you made me believe in love

One word to all your friends and
The same word to your mother
But difference in your words to me when you kept me under cover
You say it just is not that complicated
in your mind
But did you stop to think about
how it would sound in mine?

You labelled me with love and took it back all in one breath
Then expected me not to be shocked when your kindness died a death
I think I deserve answers and a reason for the cold
For honestly my fickle man for child’s play we’re too old.

They say that women,
Search for love and choose the right one.
But men just take whoever is
In front of them when they’re ready.
So if I never leave,
If I’m always in front of you,
Maybe when you’re ready,
You’ll choose me.

I could be at the lowest depths
The most sunken death
But when I see the sea
That’s when I’m free

My cognitive
           dissonance
Won’t make any
           difference
Because his
           effervescence
Rotted all of my
           essence
His self assured
           ambience
Expired my
           relevance
And no impotent,
           ignorance
Can unbalance this
           turbulence

Sitting on cold pebbles
watching the sunset
over the sea in December
Makes me wonder
That if I live my life
As close to the sun
And the ocean as I can
Will I become those rippling
Blues and oranges
When I go?
I hope so

I only write when I’m sad
But I suppose it is not all that bad
For if I only create
When I feel desolate
Then there is much creation to be had

Her: could you pretend to love me?
Maybe just for a few hours?
You don’t have to give up other girls or ever buy me flowers.
Could you just let me sleep and maybe hold me for a while?
You wouldn’t have to feel it,
You don’t even have to smile.
Just maybe let me feel like I am safe and play pretend.
Tell me I’m your favourite and it doesn’t have to end.
Would you mind just doing some of that?
Just sometimes, not all day.
Would you mind it if I pretend with you?
Would you hate it if I stay?
Him: …

God if there is such a thing
Then save me from this man
God if you are listening
Help him love me if he can
God if you made me, help me
Help me to relieve my pain
God if he feels nothing, show me
Reveal if love is feigned
God tell me you can do something
God teach me to let go
God keep me calm and soft
God help my heart go slow

I miss you
   Said nothing
            To nobody
                 Then no one
         Said nothing
    And nothing
Was missed

By now I thought I’d be
Much more
A partner, a mother
I thought I’d be sure
Of my picket fence life
My role as a wife
An impressive career
A stable idea of the
Road ahead
Or else I’d be dead
But somehow I’ve ended up
In this limbo
And I have become
A loose moralled *****
With no idea where it all
Went wrong  
And no plan in sight
of how to go on