I do not make you smile anymore.
I do not feel your hand holding mine anymore.
I do not feel your warmth.

You do not pay attention to little nothings I whisper in your ear.
You do not talk to me the way you used to.
When you say "I love you", I do not feel your sincerity.

You do not dream of me anymore.
You do not wake up early in the morning to say "good morning" anymore.

You do not get there first, awaiting me.
You are not there with open arms, ready to wrap them around me.

And I used to complain about how chained you made me feel,
But now it is the only thing I long for.
I am so wanting every bit of your attention towards me,
rather than not enough.

Today, I asked if it was bad that I missed you,
even though I had just seen you yesterday.
Usually, you would say, "No, because I miss you too."
But you said, "A little bit, but it's okay."

That is when I knew I have lost you.

This one person..
I hope..
Comes and reads
All my poems..
From start
To finish...
Undeleted...
My undiluted words...
And realises
how much
He has changed
My life..
And how much
He has changed
Himself..

This one person..
I hope..
Comes and reads
All my poems..
And realises He
is special
To me...
But not in a way
that can be
put into a box...
Lover
Friend
Mentor..all in one?
I don't know...

This one person..
I hope..
Comes and reads
All my poems..
And understands
how much I am scared
for Him to get hurt..
By pain giving
Entities from the past...
And realises
That I will
Stand for him...
Unbidden
Protective
Always..

I’m sorry that I can't love you. Part of me wants to dive in your unknown ocean, but baby I hate the cold. Baby, there may be a shark and he will eat me whole. I’m caged at the top of the cliff with the raven that won't fly for its wings has been broken far too many times. Lost in the weeds sometimes it’s all I see. I couldn't love you because of the echoes of that raven while it cries out in vain. The Raven knows you can't love when you're broken. ****, I wish I would have learned that from my last ocean dive. Baby his ocean, never saw sunlight. The clouds would surround him and I. I swear to god it now comforts me as the darkness is all I’ve to know. Tentacles would submerge me under the dark blues and make me promise I’d stay. His words became barnacles on my body as I’d try to pull them off to let myself be free, but there would be more harm than just staying still.

Are you in love with your depression?

Because I sure am with mine. My life
Is a sunny day and ice water right now.
Yet I still see clouds touching the mountains.

I wonder what brought me to jump at every crack
On the sidewalk.

So I trace my steps back and reopen every healed scar along the way,
And laugh at the lies I told myself about life being okay.

I wonder how I got here, laying next to a 6'4" beautiful giant who is in love with me,

And I wonder if I love him for him or if I love him for loving me.

I can't ruin it this time.

all those people
that wear
I ❤️ NY shirts

I bet they've
never even
heard a
Neil Young
song