Somehow it hurts so much,
To breathe.
To think.
To live.
You took the parts that were mine and corrupted them.
Everypart protests at having to work without you.
Each minute drags as though gasping for a fresh start.
I miss you.
From when i wake.
Every hour my eyes stay apart.
I miss your smile, your touch.
It hurts more than i ever imagined.
Somehow i lived before you,
But now i cant remember how to.
I need you yet i pushed you away.
You were dredging the last bits of my sanity out.
I need to find a part of me you didnt take.
I wish i could unlove you and forget giving myself to you.
It has been my undoing.
And now i am sinking in the abyss of your absence.
You broke me.
The tiny parts you linked together.
Now all that's left are regrets that masquerade as my life.

I watched my prince come in
Walking down a classroom aisle
He sat right infront of me,
He turned in his seat and smiled
A slow charismatic turn of lips.
I looked down at my book
Doodling tiny hearts
In tune to my fast beating heart.

The next day he sent me a note
'I like how you can't meet my gaze'
I swear i turned red
Even if am black and can't blush.
I scribbled a :p on the note
Passed it right back.

One day he asked me
' are you ever going to say anything?'
I asked for his name
He said we could trade names for a week
He was Jessie i was Jesse
We laughed at the word play.

He stayed after class the next day
We spoke through texts and notes
He perched on my desk and said
'That was nice. We should keep doing this'
I gathered up my books
He backed me into a corner
Kissed life into me
This was the start of our romance.

A box is all I have left
Of the things you gave to me
And the ones you left behind
Memories we shared
Photographs of holidays
Paintings we bought
The clothes I wore for dates
Every other reminder.
Am placing all those in
Going to dig deep and bury
Beneath the soil
Under a glass cover.
So that time and again I peer
Am sure when I heal
Nothing but soil will remain.

I want you to remember,
That day in December
When we went away together.
To spend time with each other.

We were miles away
From everything that needed to be distanced
I needed to be with you,
You wanted me.

We took a picture together
In a cafe where strangers leave a mark
To show they were here
Nowhere and somewhere.
If someday we lose each other,
Remember to come here
I will be watching
I will be waiting.

I remember when I used to read to escape,
Losing myself in words that laughed and danced and played.
I was young.
I found a life I could stand.

I remember falling asleep with my head buried in a book.
I dreamed of heroes and heroines.
I guess fantasy made a better bed fellow.
I built my notions of romance at her footstool.
Falling in love the surreal dream come true.

I remember writing my first lines,
I couldnt tell verse from paragraph.
I wrote myself a lifeline.
Wove something that wasnt ugly or tainted.
I had something to bleed out the pain,
With ink stains instead of bruises and cuts.

I remember trying to change my story.
No one told me however good you write you can't do your own story.
So am peering out of my fears and thinking what good is this gift if all it does is create a bridge to run away but I end up smack in the middle of where I left?

After I am gone,
I want you to find me again,
as my essence walks along the streets ,
searching for something I can't define.
I want you to look at me,
See me in the smile of a hurried woman.
remember me.
If your eyes meet mine,
recognize a love you had once.
The kisses that made you lean closer.
The scent you couldn't help yourself from whiffing.
If you find me,
Remember me,
And our love.

Can't you see that i love you?
I swore i would die for you.
My heart breaks
That you can't be here with me.
I feel your absence with every breath
It hurts to be without you.
You haunt me in the silence
I long to be by your side.
You complete me and i You
And now that you're gone
Pieces of me disintergrate everytime i breathe.
I hope you are thinking of me
Maybe somehow we can meet
In the collision of our thoughts
As you remember me.

let me know if am wrong
to want a fairytale with you
it's never been easy
but shouldn't be this hard.

is it another life you need?
another girl? just tell me
set me free
cause am dying in this middle ground
neither having you
or not having you.

does your heart beat fast
when you see me walking by
does your smile light up the room
when you hear my voice?
do your lips tremble when I kiss you?

am living a lie,a double life
pretending to be ok
when my emotions are shattered
tears fill my eyes
ecstacy eludes me
am under your spell
an enchantment spell
You know I want you
can't help but love you.

I tried to make him right for me,
see I believe in fairy tales and happy endings.
Maybe my Prince just needed a little nudge.
So i got all the wrong things about him,
and tied them up with a neat bow.

I was busy searching for love,
instead of waiting for it to come find me.
That was probably cupid I passed on the street,
I rushed by too fast for his arrow.
I played matchmaker for my lonely heart,
Got it all torn up in pieces.

I deluded myself into thinking I couldn't breathe,
I counted the seconds waiting for my heart to stop.
But it pumped on and on so slow,
It hummed to the sound of your name on my lips.
The name, that would make my heart skip a beat.
But now it just filled me with resolve to leave.
See I wasn't gonna cry another day over you.
Wasn't gonna die cause I couldn't have you.
I was going to learn to live.

I could have been with Mr. Right,
Instead I lay in bed alone, crying to the night.
Where did I go wrong? I tried to change him.
But he didn't want to be saved, he knew what it was.
A good time that I coated with love,
A relationship where he felt trapped.
See he was a free spirit and I the hunter,
I trapped him and tried to make him mine.

So am back to the point where it all began.
Finding my heart and starting it again.
I want to be the girl that makes someone stop,
the one you've been waiting for all your life.
No more Mr. Almost right for me,
Or Mr. Close enough to right.
I'm gonna wait for you, I know you're looking for me.

I used to love you
Then you turned it around
Made me hate myself
for loving you.
Now am traumatised
Scarred for life.
Took the only thing that mattered
and ruined it for me.
The worst part is I still do
Love you after all that.

She has such a sad soul.
My arms reach out to her almost without me noticing.
She wears her pain like a veil:
Blocking out the world and keeping her cocooned in a shell.
I can still see the history of suffering,
The longing for less.
More invites pain like a beacon.
Keep her safe, I whisper to the angels.

Scars

One. If I could, I would nail these hands to the edges of sky. I would sacrifice this body to the earth, hoping to resurrect someone that doesnt have the heart to  care about you anymore.

Two. Staple me to a table. Pierce my side with your broken promises and I will bleed all the pathetic reasons why you deserve one more chance.

Three. Loving you was the last thing that I put my all into.

Four. You wanna know how I got so bitter? Well, I ripped every last piece of you in my heart and soul and all that remained was regrets that you didn't care.

Five, I whispered you into my dreams.

Six, I spoke you into my heart.

Seven, I dipped my hands in a future that didnt exist, I touched you until you were imprinted on my very soul, treated you as if you were the only molecule of oxygen I needed ; I was good to you.

Eight. You wanna know how I got these scars? Well, I cut out my pride and then it crawled it’s way out of my mouth and I begged you to make me happy.

Nine, I realized that I was never really your girlfriend, I was just your ******* convenient-temp.

Ten, I hope your next girlfriend gets stds.

Ten, Yes I said stds.

Ten, I really hate you.

ten, I never want to see you again.

ten, I still love you. Wish I didn't.

ten, it’s hard for me to keep count when I get emotional.

Ten I heard that over 90% of human interaction is not verbal..so.. I guess the signs were right. You don't want me. You don't need me.

Ten, if I could, I would tie your arms to a wish and then auction you off to my best and worst memories. To the random girl who will start dating my ex boyfriend two days after we broke up (yes, I know you're going to move on real fast.)
When I realized that you were in a relationship with the one guy that I thought I would someday spend the rest of my life with, I broke into a million pieces. I said to myself, “Kevin Hart would say he wasn't man enough for you. Or you weren't good enough for him."
I swore I would never love again, it was all a joke to you. Some twisted game you won.

One: Everytime I see you with girls in a picture, I want to take my entire arm, shove it inside your phone and smack the happiness right off of your face.

Two, if I ever see you around me, I’m probably going to punch you in the throat. Or forget I ever knew you.

Three, I apologize in advance. And I know, I know that it makes no sense to have this much anger toward a man that I love with every bit of me,but my definition of love isnt being stabbed in the heart over and over as you watch me bleed out and hope that this time it won't hurt. There is nothing
logical about putting the most important parts of yourself inside hands that can't support you and shake, tremble, and drop you.

Four, there is nothing rational about love. Love freaking hurts. It lies. It leaves you wishing you had never met the person who makes you fall over and over and breaks you till you are a mess that can't be fixed.

Five, you're ******* irresponsible, and I’m tired of you using me for target practice.

Six, I was told that time heals all wounds. But what exactly should I do on days when it feels like my clock stopped cause you're gone?

Seven, you always said I loved you too much. My mistake.

Eight, I think I’ve seen you somewhere in her dreams. Like I’ve heard you talking to her and being happy together in her laughter. I’ve smelled your cologne on her thighs. Cause am sure you will be all over her like you can't be for me. I bet if we dusted your heart for fingerprints, we would only find hers. I wasnt the love of your life.Nine, you see I have this envelope in my head and heart.it’s full of all the butterflies I felt the first time you touched me, kissed me, admitted you loved me. It's full of memories for when I thought we had a future. Most of them are still alive. I can still feel their wings through the paper. Guess it's my hope. Here, am giving them back to you. I suppose they belong to you, too.

You told me you didn't want me,
I just didn't want to listen.
You ******* with my heart and soul,
That I had naively offered to you;
as proof of my love for you.
You messed me up and didn't care.
And all I can ask is why.
Why did you change your mind about loving me?
Was it all a dream when you held me?
I thought you were something new,
and instead you ******* me over.

we are all sense offenders
feeling in one way or another
guilty of letting our emotions
control the way we act
moving... collecting.. leading
both negative and positive
thoughts that we have
yearning,searching,hoping
for an answer.

we have five senses
our sixth sense leads the way
in the revolution of our hearts
letting us love and be loved
loathe and be frustrated
feeling everything ten times more
heightened senses
of touch smell sight sound.

we all feel today or yesterday
in our consciousness
or even show the people we know
that to love is to give
the greatest gift there is.
to hate is to die,a little
a day at a time.

She couldn't go back to the place she called home.
It was no longer her own when he brought her in.
The other woman he had said was just a friend.
They crossed her threshold with fingers entwined,  a mockery of her vows.
She felt the chills of someone walking over her grave.
She watched him sleep in their bed with someone else.
Watched him love someone else in the house their children grew up in.
She walked away when she couldn't take more.
He broke his promises when he loved again.
Her house was nothing but a shell.

I don't have a lot of optimism left,
Had that trampled out a while ago.
With good for nothing people and crushed dreams.
Again and again stomped upon.
I don't have memories left,
Of good times i once had.
Write it off to disappointment and heartbreak.
I don't have much left,
Having had everything wrung out.
Look at me as a shell.
Holding a vacuum within.

The cold permeates my bones
Seeping in and branding me
With loneliness and pain.
Teasing me and aggravating me
With your harsh breeze.
I wish he was here
To hold me and block you out
He makes the loneliness fade
If only for a while.
He makes me alive
With bits and pieces of us
Perfectly fit together.
He whom i will always love.

Its raining anger and betrayal
Hard pelting rain drops
That drown the sound of laughter
I am lost and forlorn.
Seeking shelter under the covers.
This bed feels cold without him.
I remember earlier times
When we crawled under the duvet
And cuddled to keep warm.
I miss his arms around me
Bodies fitted as close as possible.

I don't want to leave this room
Unless he is waiting downstairs
With a warm shrug and hug.
This weather was made for this
Him to hold me close.
So that am not alone.
He always excites me
With his arm draped over my shoulder
I long to rest my feet on his laps
And let him play with my toes.
He makes it impossible to be cold
As i shiver in delight.

I walked away and broke my heart
Left it bleeding on the floor.
I would give anything for another ending
a different time and place.
You are one thing that keeps me sane
Balanced and in line.
It was the hardest thing to do
Admit I can't save you.
You continue to haunt me
Even after I've left
Your mournful eyes
The silent cry I can feel you stifle
As you put on a brave face.
I long to run back and hold you
Let you know the world is safe
For you to have a safe childhood
hold on to your ideals forever.
Tears run down my face
As thoughts of your misery torture me.
I sob into my pillow
if only I could take your place
I gladly would.
You needed a haven
Why did heaven let you go
To an ill prepared earth.
We were meant to be your guides
Instead we have forsaken you
I pray you find hope somewhere
I have found none.
In letting you down I have damaged my piece of mind.
I need a sign you will be okay
Cause I never will be.
I walked away when you needed me
And now wrestle with my conscience.

The darkness calls
Except this time it sounds warm
Deliciously wicked even.
Like a tongue licking down my pleasure spots.

I answer the call.
First by my eyes widening
The hint of a mischievous smile on my lips,
My body responding.
Knowing that it is you to whom I come.

Step by step I sink into the pool.
Gazing into your eyes
Becoming less than I am.
Only what you need me to be.

Shedding my doubts.
Fear a thing of the past.
All i have is now.
My heart beating fast as i bare myself.
Open chest, open heart, open love.

Yours to do with as you will.
Yours to conquer and destroy.
You are my salvation and damnation.
You are the dark night and I the moon.
Only together are we complete.
Fade into me as i sink into your abyss.

I would give up my smile
just to have you here
On my lap
Legs spread out.
Head back as you moan
In the ecstasy my fingers bring
you're so passionate when you're wet.

I would give up my freedom
To become your slave
Bringing you to the brink
Each and everyday
Staring into your liquid eyes
As you scream my name.
Knowing you want me
Is worth these chains.

It's 12 am
I can't sleep
I would rather be outside
in the nice cold air
Watching the stars
Cuddling with you.
The shivers from your kisses
Would eclipse those from cold
You would ask me to stay
I would love being up all night.

Every night at the exact same time,
You toss and turn in your bed.
Sleep eludes your tired eye lids.
Counting sheep knows no victory.
You're alone and heartsick.
Your mind won't leave you alone.
You feel every inch of your bed,
The creases in the sheets too.
It would be much easier if you weren't alone.

I close my eyes hoping the pain will pass
Excruciating
Numbing
Wiping out my conscious thought.
I should be used by now,
To the patterns it follows.
Betrayal,denial, anger.
How could you?
You couldn't.
I could hit you.
Is it possible i didn't know you?
That you were different for a while?
I probably saw what i wanted to
Between lunacy and desperation.
You see, i was afraid to be alone.
The sounds that keep me up echo
Wishes that it hadn't ended
Care for my shattered heart.
Dying on the floor where you tossed it
Am not perfect but i was right.
I dunno how to be strong and go on
when i miss you with every breath
Every thought rotates around your face
Swimming in and out of focus
Of my glazed mind.
I seek release in hot tears.
Falling like from the sky
Will they obliterate the pain?
Or my resolve to stay away?
It wasn't meant to end this way.
I was your love,or so you said.
We all expect love to last forever
Instead it shackles us and makes us slaves.
I don't feel free though.
I would rather be with you
And ***** the consequences.
Oh gosh it hurts so much
Am rolled up into a ball
Sobbing out my love.

I have cried one solitary tear
For you and what we had.
In pain and regret
For everything lost.
I have laughed at myself
For making those mistakes
Believing it was love
Yet I was just a game for you.
Something to pass the time.
never again will I throw myself
In your path at your feet.
You made it clear it was a waste
I will not cry a thousand tears
My grief will remain a solitary tear.

This bed feels strange
Without you here.
And i would give up all this space
To have you near.
All this emptiness
Only makes me ache.
Cause its raining and am alone
I need your arms around me.
I wish you could come
To hold me close.
Nothing feels so good
Nothing ever could.
I need you more, in this cold.
Someday you will be here.

Someone out there is waiting
To give you a hug.
Show you that there is more
Than just pleasure and pain.
If it didn't work in the beginning
there is a chance to go on.
Build memories on concrete
Instead of on air.
You don't have to believe
in promises made with broken string.
You can't play on a stage
After the curtains come down. But there will be another show
a chance to do things right.
someone cares that you weep
Late at night as you lie in bed.
Fighting against the will
To give up everything you need
Trying to be strong
you can't afford to let go
Of hope that it will be okay.
One day you will find someone
that lets you grow into you.

Something about the beat of her heart
Reminded her that she was alive
was that thrill she felt or was it terror?

Something about his eyes
reminded her of a hunter watching prey
she couldn't look away from him.

Something about how he cared
reminded her that she was fragile
he cared more than she wanted him to
He pushed her beyond her defenses.

Something about the way he said no.
reminded her that it was his choice
If she lived or died,
if she was going to be happy
it all depended on when he said yes.

Something about the way he made love to her
reminded her that she was a part of him
he owned her, controlled her, took her
he didn't ask, just took. And she gave.
Over and over and over until they lost themselves.

Something about this,
reminded her of that.
They were soulmates.
They were starcrossed lovers.

Even in death she mocked them
They that turned up to watch
Her laid to rest.
These people she had loathed
in life everyday
whose help she scorned.
The one whose man was loose
A meaningless philanderer
Another that gossiped
Of the good, bad and ugly.
She wouldn't accept their help
They thought her a charity case.

She danced on her grave
was this what death was like?
to look down on your body
Peaceful like in sleep.
The years had not been kind
She looked ravaged by nature
wrinkled like a wilting flower
Ashen grey and crumbling
She danced because it was over
The hardship that was life.

Light as a feather she felt
She could be herself again
not have to conform to others
pretend to be what she wasn't
she was a free spirit
reign to wreck havoc
On the neighborhood folk
Them that were hypocrites
She would give them lessons
a haunting they wouldn't forget.

melancholy

how can i be happy
when i can't have you
who my heart longs for
i see you in my sleep
you complete my dreams.

and am lost,so very lost
without you here
to hold my hand.
you had my back and held me
when it was all crashing down.

how can i smile
when you're not mine.
i need you,i want you
let me be the one to say
am yours forever.

am cold,so very cold
only you can warm my bones
take my hand and say
it's okay to feel lost and alone
am here for you always.

Am tired of fighting
and all the lies.
You either love me or not.
If you thought about me;
You would call or text
Not be caught up with things
Are they more important than me?
If this isn't what you want
Let me go please
Breaking my heart
Is all you are doing now.

You know I've always wanted
To run my fingers through your hair
it's an open invitation
To indulge myself in you
Let myself go and watch you unwind.

I want to sit next to you
In an open car and feel the wind
Blow our senses away
Your intoxicating laugh
and come hither smile.

Carry me away on a whim
To a land far far away
To steal my sweet kisses
and share my company with no one
Lost in a web span by ages
Of loving you and I.

I want to touch you.
And every caress and kiss,
To leave their mark.

I want to Slip my lips up,
to whisper in your ear deeply
I put the spell on you
that has you craving to spread my legs
and get between them.
To Leave bite marks on my *******. Handprints on my ***.
The spell that has you hunger
for me to bend over and show you
My absolutely gorgeous perfect ***.

And when I am done.
You will crave only one girl.
I intend to use you very thoroughly.
Consume your thoughts
Infiltrate your desires.
I am the kind of possessive that will brand your soul.
And make you mine.

Feel so lost
Like maybe am in a wrong place
Or just teleported to the time
When i least want to be alive.
Everything hurts
From my aching bones to my heart
Weary love worn heart
In trying to love all i did was hurt you
I shouldn't have taken a gamble
With you as the stake.

I have made love to you in my mind so many times
Have kissed your lips countless times.
Feel you everytime I close my eyes.
I will always love you.
Deeper than I ever did anyone.
And even if we can't be together.
You are forever mine.

It's cold outside
no one to walk down the road with
am all alone
a little girl that has lost her way
had everything taken away.
there is no hope for tomorrow
no sun for the morrow
only rain on the windowpanes
a rushed coupling
goodbye forever.

They are starcrossed lovers
together but apart.
ever yearning and praying
that the sun would give more
a few extra hours
to laugh and to cuddle.
sneaking around in the shadows
wishing on a star
that fate would switch them over
give them forever.

When you kiss me
Time stops for a while
For I am drawn to you
Like a moth to the flame
The passion builds in us
You hold me tighter
And take fewer breaths.
Hands wandering over me
Inhaling the scent of me
Lost in the spell
Only you and I can Weave
I want you in that moment
To hold me closer than before
have as much of me as you like
I want to give myself to you.

In the glow of satisfaction
after we are spent from passion
I watch you dress up
You button your shirt
One at a time.
Am sorry to see the expanse of chest go
We talk
About what you want
You tell me you're addicted
To everything about me
Don't mind being a Slave
To my every need.
I hug you
Try to fit myself as close as I can
Hoping to block out the loneliness
you are like a healing balm.
I wish you could stay
Hold me close all night.
Cover my face, palms, shoulder
with drops of little kisses.
I want you to stay
some night, every night.
with you am losing the pain
I like how you invade me.

I want to walk away,
But each time I take a step away,
find myself even closer to you.
You pull me in with those moments you let me see into your heart,
That am nestled there together with your fondest memories.
You whisper promises I can't resist.
I turn my back and you hold me close,
Your arms around my waist.
I lose my resolve to leave and hold you back.
I love you even as I try to stop,
My heart beats faster when you take my hand.
I can't leave you yet I have to go.
Am stuck on you.

I feel really stupid
For loving you without reservations.
I feel duped somehow.
For believing you were the one.
Every girl dreams of meeting him,
I thought i was lucky.
I never expected to end up broken
Beating myself up over the years wasted.
Greys and pastels by your side
Making you happy.
There must be something messed up with me
Why couldn't i be content with bits and pieces?
Instead i wanted all of it
Unending forever together.
Joke's on me,
It really is over.

It really is an uphill task,
To see beneath your mask.
You wear it like a lance,
To lead the way as you dance.
Won't you let someone in?
It really is no sin
For a glimpse beneath your skin.
Open up your arms
So someone can sing the psalms.
You are more than a dream,
Look beyond the beam.

You took me in your arms,
Touched me so softly.
Sending a fever burning through my veins.
I wanted to look at your face,
But we had to keep up appearances for peering eyes.
My nerves tingled and hummed,
I ached to kiss you and touch you.
You teased me into submission,
And now am thinking of losing myself.

What are we, if not together?
I am not your friend, you're far too aloof for that
Calling me only when you're bored.
you do not crave me in your space
Or long to talk to me all day.
Neither are we lovers,
The intimacy of a shared bond is mere wishful thinking.
A heated coupling can not hope to join our souls.
You only call after dusk.
I am not your partner,
For you never need my help, nor offer yours.
I have lost myself trying to find you
I have hurt my soul trying to bind it to someone that doesn't need a mate.
In trying to define us,
I only formed regrets.

He weaves a web with his words
Somehow, am caught between here and there
The distance doesn't matter,
Not as long as he writes.
And I am enthralled, captivated,
If only for a while.
I long to look upon his face,
Listen as he speaks of what he feels,
I want him to reach out to me,
And ask me to stay.

I have always been her
That girl
the one that draws attention
Artistically, intrinsically
you just have to see her.
Everything you have dreamed
and yet nothing like she seems
She is surreal and yet real.

And now
That was then, before
now there is another girl
Whom all girls watch with green
guys strive to impress
She has charisma and poise
Elegance and pride
She is the new me
A better improved version.

Make wanton love to me
With your fingers and lips
Drive me insane like only you can
I want you to take me on the tables
And the walls
In the tub and under the shower
Can't you see I want you
To turn me into an animal
A raging feeling beast
that ravages and wants to be
Taken everywhere and everyway

I lead my troops into battle,

Fighting our way through the enemy lines,

pushing back our fears and screams,

hoping that way we can breathe.

War isn’t something you can keep boxed away.

I feel the chaos around me,

confusion tugging me here and there.

I am worn and spent,

from the ravages of war.



I can feel the tears run down my cheeks.

You see, I am scared.

That I will open my eyes and nothing will be there.

Scared of losing everything I love.

The things I hold dear,

won’t always be near.;

I cower and hide from my demons,

Hoping they will play nice.

I stand tall and bring my weapons,

hoping to ward off the enemy.

It’s harder when I realise its within.

I am waging this war with myself.

Who I was, who I want to be,

It’s all blurred up in there.

Being me is a war with myself,

I keep thinking the other shoe will drop,

Before am completely lost.