Don't leave me on open ends,
I don't know how to answer this kind of a question.
I don't know what you're looking for.
You crushed me more than anyone ever could and ever will,
I don't know how I let this happen.
I keep filling pages with cliches about our love and how it was real and how it wasn't real and how I've never been so confused in my life.
I was only fourteen, but god I felt you through my ******* body like a symphony written just for me.
All the beats and the drumming and the saxophone swirling up my spine,
You keep playing for me and running back,
Why? Why? Why?
I'm nothing special,
But you said I'm like the tenth dimension,
But what does that even mean?
You hold me like the baby I was when I met you,
When you had a needle in your arm and my tongue in your mouth
And tears on my shirt,
You really ****** me up.
Now you're in town again,
Trying to mend all these loose ends,
So do you wanna see me or not?
Of course you do.
I wanna see you too.

Find me in your thoughts late at night,
You can't forget about me,
I stuck with you.
I was the lover and the giver,
And I kissed your forehead when you cried
And I never let you down for a minute, I was always around,
But we were just friends that ****.

I got your favorite candy on the way to the movies and I touched your heavenly cheeks before they turned down the lights,
I never spoiled the plot because I know you like surprises,
And I held your hand when you pretended you weren't scared,
But we were just friends that ****.

You walked me to my car and you grabbed my hips,
And I moved with your body and I loved every second of it.
I closed my eyes and soaked in every word you would whisper,
Like you were telling me a prophecy in my backseat,
But we were just friends that ****.

Now I smoke and take long drives alone,
And your real girl's your bed, and you love her, I know, you keep telling me.
And I don't know what I did wrong,
I think about it all the time,
You moved your attention away and I couldn't keep you off my mind,
And I wanted to be your real girl so badly,
I get a pain in my chest just when you wave hi to me.
Just a passerby, passing by me.
I don't know know why you even meant so much,
For god's sake, we were just friends that ****!

Hey,
I don't know your address.
I hope you never read this.
My therapist says that this is the way to get it all out of my head.
I was under the impression
that writing to someone
ended in burning the evidence.
That it was a kind of healing ritual.
Cleansed by the flames.
But no,
electronic almost-correspondence
appears to be the answer.
Here goes:


I got drunk today.
It seemed like the thing to do.

There was a couch,
it was grey.
Yeah, that one. The red wine stain
is still on the underside
of the cushion cover.

I prefer white.

I sat on the couch.
That's what they're for, couches,
so not much of a surprise, I guess.
But I don't know what to say,
I'm filling the void with
obvious facts.

I didn't even use a wine glass.
I filled a pink mug
full to the top.
Had to sip off the rim of it
so it didn't overflow as I carried it into the sitting room.
With the bottle of wine,
of course.

And I drank.

So I'm drunk now.
I keep laughing.
Of course, I'm not a happy drunk,
but everything is
wrong
anyway.
There's no one around to
tell me to shut up,
for one thing.

Not that I would mind
if there was.
It would fill the silence.

A silence punctuated with
pathetic little
giggles,
as I mentioned before.

I'm not sure what I'm laughing at.
Could be the man outside yelling at his car,
the alarm has been on for an hour now.
Maybe it's the fact
that you took the kettle with you,
and I haven't bought a new one.

I make tea in the microwave now.
Ridiculous.

I don't like you.
Not at all. I don't like the way
that you can't seem to
say anything of importance
and I don't like the way
that your absence
is like

it's like

being stabbed, but that's not enough I feel like I don't have the right to claim that kind of physical pain, I don't feel like I have the right to cry or even walk out my own front door for some reason, and for some reason I was not good enough for you even though neither of us tried our best because we thought we were enough but we weren't and I don't have the words to describe what you are to me, or what you were to me, only that grocery-store sushi used to be that pathetic thing you bought at past-eleven-pm-sometime and now I hate it so much that it's the only thing I can eat and I

I don't need you.

I don't. It's impossible for me to need you,
in the scientific, explainable
rational sense.

But explain it for me,
please.

She was the kind of beauty that was not to be heavily applied and caked,
She was the kind that rolled over in untucked sheets the next morning with a slight glimmer in her eye, and a rosy tint to her cheeks.
The kind with long eyelashes, and a wardrobe full of cotton striped tee shirts.
She was gentle, sweet, and told ***** jokes on car rides home.
She was the kind of beauty you find in low budget indie films,
The kind that warms the pit of your stomach when she walks in a room,
The kind that didn't strike twice.

Lately I've been going in strange directions,
I've been going about this all wrong,
And I don't think there was a right way either, but maybe something better.
There's always something better.
I've been counting out all the options and the faults and their placements,
I've been looking in store windows and staring at all the faces I see when I walk down the city streets at night,
I'm just trying to find a way to make this right
How do I make it right?
How do I make it right?
And these nightmares eat my brain when I sleep,
I'm paranoid someone is watching me,
And they know I've been trying to make this right,
When there is no right,
Time to give up the fight?