I love you
And I could never leave you
Yet I'm so distraught
This pain,
Oh this pain
I'm so distressed
But you can't change the past

But I just can't heal.

I feel as though I've lived a thousand years,
Experienced all that there is to see,
The blood, the lies, the sweat, the pain, the tears,
Reborn, as year after year seems to flee.
Learned how it feels to rely on others,
Have walked the road entirely alone,
Lived both with and without a real mother,
Learned when love and when hate was to be shown,
Tried out everyone, have done everything,
Figured out who really was a no-go,
Felt the wrath of love, even have a ring,
But learned I do so much better solo,
I feel utter clarity, all lives trashed,
Does that mean it will all finally fade to ash?

Open yourself up
Let them all in
Set boundaries, just hush
The drop of a pin

Which is the right answer?

The pure ripples;
The memories stippled,
The innocence clear;
See-through, but full of fear,
And the beauty,
The beauty of the little things,
Demolished by the bulldozers.
The bulldozers of destruction and change.

But is it a bad thing?

What if I dropped all my dreams and inspirations,
And just became a nonsensical philosophy major?

I may be a bad person,
But I am not the bad guy,
I've learned a toxic lesson,
And now I see why.

I see how all my friends see me,
I see you'll never understand,
I see my people-pleasing tendencies,
I see all you want to do is reprimand,

But I see that everyone is a bad person.

Who I think I am
Is a detestable
Vindictive
Obnoxious woman
As cold as a white blizzard
Raging on to the roughest mountains
I think I am the murderess
Sheathed in the dark forest
Jolting the tides of its pond
I think I am the uncaring father
Sinning in secret alleys
The most sadistic of killers
Calloused as a fist
Cut as sharp as a jewel

But
Who I really am
Is a confused
Fragile
Indecisive porcelain doll
As breakable as a shattered wine glass
On a wine-stained marble floor
I am the delicate blossom
Of a thorny bush
I am like a pond
Still but shaken
Waiting to show the world around me
That there are crystal shells under the murky water
I am not an insatiable destructive brat
But the scattered flowers of a glass vase
That was shattered by the brat