i dont really understand,
why this happens to me.
why my father doesn't truly care.
why my mother is in prison.
why i cant help but want to die,
or try and fly away.
everytime nana is near,
i feel my eyes pleading with her.
she once told me
'just wait, your time will come.'
but im sure thats just what she tells herself
so she doesn't go insane.

A billion pieces of my heart.
Ten Million constantly nagging thoughts.
One Million thoughts about him.
One Hundred Thousand regrets.
Ten Thousand  wishes.
One Thousand ways to die.
One Hundred  times  dying goes through my head.
Ten  things that would be my last thoughts
One mind, heart, all very much dead.

i am to be writing a letter to myself for me to open on my graduation day... 1603 days from now.
i dont even want to... but i know that i should.
im just scared to read it on my graduation day and be like, oh wow all this pain has stayed with me for four years... but i want to because there is an inkling that i could read it and feel, wow im glad that i am happier.

you see me.
you see what you want in me.
but you do see me too.
and you choose to ignore me.

they know, they just choose to ignore it. im sorry that you think that a little jesus will help... i wont. you think that all this is from being a "sinner" or from not believing. ***** you, because you know that this is not something i can change, yet you tell me, it's all in the mind-set. you can change this if you really want to. god will help. if there was a god. this world wouldn't be as bad. and even if there is a god. he's selfish and demanding and no one loves someone who all they do is demand, demand, demand. i cant help it that you are all stuck on some god and think that he is going to make everything alright. ha. you're sorely mistaken darling. i didn't up and decide, oh im going to want to die, and im going to want to hate my life, and im going to want to be sad for un-seen reasons. im going to make myself find it hard to have fun and live and be happy. if that is what you think i do to myself. ***** you.

leah
ever
fought
a
grown
man?
no.
want
to?
yes.

Remember when I told you that you don't scare me?
Well, i lied, you do scare me.
Remember the time, before we had dated, when we were
going to pretend to date, to see what my parents would say?
Remember the time that you cheated on me?
Remember the all the times i took you back?
Remember the times i spent day and night crying over you?
Remember the times that you said "i love you"?
Remember the times that we spent hours at the time on the phone, going through all the special memories we had?
Remember the night before valentine's day last year, when i gave you every diary entry about you.

If you dont, i sure as hell do.

i did what they asked.
i asked for help.
and as i knew it would be
they refused me.

For you My Dear,
I would give you the world, or die trying.

You My Dear, are never the reason i'm crying.

My Dear, I have saved you once, and i would
save you again.

But know, you owe me nothing.

For You My Dear, i have a different kind of love.

You bring me joy under the sun.

I hate to hear you struggle,
I hate for you to think i am abusive
and cold.

For You My Dear,
I
Am
Open.

Openness is my kind of love for you.

I Love You.

For him, i feel differently than you.

He can break me, just as you, into two.

For Him, I long to be near.

For You Dear, I feel the same.

But the nearness i yearn for, for you both...

Are on different planets.

You are always going to be,
The one person i know will love me forever.

He, i hope and i pray, that him and his promises will stay.
But there have been so many hims, but hopefully, he is it.

But You My Dear, Are Altogether Another Thing.
My
Love
For
You,
Is
Innocently
Pure.

For Him,
I want things, thoughts that have just barely begun.
With him i want to share extravagant things.

But My Dear Sweet Child,
You
Come
Down
To
All
I
Need,
If
He
Shall
Fail.

in my young age i yearn for passion and love.