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Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Want you to be okay
Tell me won’t you stay
We’ll find a way
Side by side down this path
Running from the devils wrath
And the painful aftermath
I don’t know what will happen to us
But remember we’re made of stardust
Carry on, we must
Until we are summoned
By the light of the sun
And we become one
With Mother Earth and Father Sky
But now it’s alright to cry
I cannot deny
That tomorrow
Will bring more sorrow
But you can always borrow
Some happiness from me
Just sit still and let it be
I’ll help you see
All the storms inside
That penetrate your mind
leaving you feeling left behind
Psychologically homeless
Please know this
That I often reminisce
On all the times we’ve shared
And i still care
I’ll always be there
For you when you’re falling
When the demons come calling
Baby I’m all in
Been my rock for so long
I see you trying to be strong
There is nothing wrong
With needing someone to lean on
When you feel you don’t belong
I’ll keep singing this song
Telling you that it’s okay
To feel this way
Tomorrow is a brand new day
You’re never alone
Don’t have to be out on your own
You can call me your home.
For my life partner --- since 5.14.08
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Where’s the easy button?
Even if I had one,
I’d probably forget to press it;
Over complicate **** -
I do on a regular basis,
It’s aimless -
Shoot for the stars
But they come back to me as scars.
Half-hearted attempts,
Failed achievements.
Ignored the lesson on breathing
And that the days were made for seizing.
What did the stars once say
When I was so far away?
In the desert land,
Sage brush and stones of sand
Between my finger tips
Tasting on my lips
Fresh river water and cigarettes,
Inhaling no more regrets -
Or so I thought,
But I continued and fought
Myself out of the good feelings
Psychological and spiritual healings.
Asking if I’m okay,
And if I should stay
In this empty room alone
When there’s more to atone
For...
I find my freedom from the Earth’s floor
While others look at the Sky
Often wondering why
God is so far from them
And if and when
It will return.
Maybe I just came to learn
That what never departed
Cannot be reunited.
What was never lost cannot be found,
I just needed to turn around...
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Breathe.
Constantly seeming to forget
That I can always let
My worries float away
Remind myself that I’m okay
Reconnect with the Breath
Acknowledge the breadth
Of this Love inside my soul
Overflowing, never getting tired or old
It is forever within me
It is Everything I need
Linking me to the Sun and Stars
Caressing all of my scars
Holding space
Granting grace
To the heart in my chest
That continues to beat with unrest
Inner Guide, give me direction
Offer gentle correction
To thought, word and action
Assisting me in gaining traction
Rooting me to the ground
Mind not so loud
Just feeling the pain that helps me grow
Remembering to go with the flow
This breakdown seems so vile
But will soon fade into a smile.
Earthen Heart Dec 2020
She still stands, vibrant as ever
Despite the short days
Despite the cold creeping in
Alone in the shadows of the mighty trees
Allowing just enough sun through to let her thrive
Day after day, I stumble upon her beauty
And she doesn't cease to remind me
That all we need is the soil to root in
That all we need is the light to breathe in
Earthen Heart Nov 2020
Sleep. Crawl out of bed. Coffee. Walk. Eat.

Sleep. Eat. Sleep.
Repeat.
Deep. Rest.
Depressed.
So
Obsessed
With
How I feel -
What’s even real?
Tell me
Because
I don’t know,
Maybe just leave me alone.
In my comfort zone
That is becoming hell.
Stuck in a shell
That is crushing me,
It’s getting smaller,
I can’t breathe.

Help me… crawl. Out.

S p r a w l o u t
G i v e  m e  s o m e

S      P     A     C     E

and some fresh air
In case
I run out of it here…
I wrote this over the summer
Earthen Heart Oct 2020
Pen clutched
Mind rust
Turns to dust

It’s all oblivion
Black as obsidian
The cave once lived in

Come out
Roam about
Do not count

The stars
Or past scars
Or passing cars

It’s all too much
Or feels like such
Emotions flush

Out your eyes
With cries
And tear filled sighs

Sadness will come
Doesn’t mean you’re done
Drive west towards the sun

Happiness ensues
With looming views
This I choose

Freedom is here
Divine Spirit near
It’s finally clear
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
So many feelings unleashed
stagnance must come to cease
Trauma triggers;
hell, it figures...
because the life we’re living,
constantly overwhelming.
Stored emotional warfare,
Seems so ******* unfair.
but, what did they come up for?
There always seems to be more
than what's on the surface
that's making me nervous
and angry, I know,
because I've been at that all time low
and that's not where I ever want to go
back to again:
so unconscious
feeling nauseous
heart is racing
mind is pacing
blood is pumping
Mind is pounding
I need to get away.
how can this be okay?
*******, I just want it to stop
It takes control
of body, mind and soul
but, wait…
there's emerging resilience
overtaking this pestilence
reminding me that I am strong
even when everything seems so wrong
and although I may be afraid
that doesn't make me any less brave.
Courage is contagious in of itself;
when it gets rolling,
everything begins flowing.
My current finds
is that trauma reminds
me to look back inside
the whole picture of what's going on
breaking through the storm
even when my psyche’s torn...
that's the hardest part,
and then I press restart.
There will always be a flame Within
and that small light is where life begins.
when it's dim,
give it oxygen
and it will glow
increasingly so...
it may start out slow
but give it time with patience
the emerging resilience,
the white and gold
illuminate so bold
the inner body.
it'll be okay...
maybe it won't feel like it today
but you'll find a way
to press on
through the tears, through the pain
Through the sunshine and the rain.
gather where the elements meet,
feeling the Earth beneath your feet -
so sacred and grounding
the love that's surrounding
it will come in abundance
with no resistance
the weight will again shed,
my dear friend.
No longer will it depend on what you’ve been fed
And how to God you were once led,
As the Spirit descends
And your mind, it transcends
The light on your face
Is exuberant with grace.
So take a deep breath,
Because one day death
Will coming knocking on your door
And you’ll finally find what this was all for.
Earthen Heart Feb 2021
Get me off this ride of Emotions
Growing tired of the mental commotion
I’ve been slowly unpacking my bags
But I keep getting distracted
And my feet begin to drag
Walking around in circles
Looking for an answer from an external
Source
Losing sight of the course
And then I realize I’m lost
And overwhelmed, under the shadow of exhaust
Maybe I just need to stay still before moving forward
Delving inward
Introspection
Of my own reflection
Staring back at me
Sometimes I’m afraid of what I’ll see
All the hurt I’ve carried for so long
And all that I’ve ever done wrong
Unknowingly
After acting impulsively
And the past is just waiting to collapse underneath
But if it crumbles, where will I be?
I’m either falling…
Or transcending.
I have the choice to make
Because this present moment is mine to create.
And it’s becoming more evident every day
That in letting it all go, it is going to be okay.
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Even if I’m small
I can still stand tall
Forever embracing the fall
Did you know
That I never wanted to go
Into the depths all alone?
Yet it’s beckoned me
Seemingly never leaving it be
So much darkness I couldn’t see
Having no choice but to exist in it
Only in that space did I seem to fit
Yet it’s only a confine
Of my own **** mind
Deep are the roots
Of psychological disputes
Heart longing to be free
Spirit reaching out for Thee
Infinity enchants me, it’s true
To the magic that is You
A mystical landscape
A timeless escape
A place far away
Where we all go and play
No need to rewind
Simply unwind
Healing of scars
Laughing with the stars
Who grace us with bliss
And unending happiness
No more haste
And if that’s the case
Can I be there now?
“Slow down,”
A voice whispers
In a small flame that flickers
An eternal element
It has never been so evident
That when the mind is clear
Heaven is here
In this moment
Not trying to own it
Letting go
Of all I used to know
Embracing the silence
Is where I find this
Vast love, never fading away
Forever here to stay
Resting in the Sacred Heart space
Light shining on my face
I never really was alone
And I’ve finally found my way home
Earthen Heart Jan 2021
Sometimes the chapter doesn’t end the way you predicted
It’s on a cliff hanger but you can’t read ahead
Because it’s not time yet
You’re too tired
You need rest
But what the hell comes next
And you’ll lose a little bit of sleep over it
But isn’t that life?
You make your bed, you lay in it
But your dreams aren’t always pleasant.
What the **** is up with soggy pizza, anyway?
Walked out on a peer
Expecting you to be there
But all I saw was a girl, drunk
With some lake water logged dough.
She offered me some, but I passed her up
And proceeded down the planks to find you
But I couldn’t go any further because it ended
At the dark, murky edge.
****, I see your hands when I look at mine
And you are standing in front of me
When I close my eyes.
Coming face with reality,
But what is it anyway?
Woke up and felt like these past months were all a dream
2019
All the agony
Of losing you
Was all I felt to be true.
Emotional distress,
Was what I saw in my lack of rest.
A million tear meltdown
I just cried
These past two years held inside

And there’s that whisper, be here now
Even in the darkness
These shadows of pain
And psychological disdain

It’ll be okay, it’ll be okay
It’s not the end
Just a new beginning
That hurts as bad
And it’s the past that makes me sad
Much more than the present
Maybe it’s about time I let it go, I let you go
And even when I can’t seem to
What else is there to do?
Just feel it out,
Ride it out,
These Ocean waves
Tumbling me across
The Stormy seas
It’s much more than the gentle breeze
I felt when I caressed your face
While getting lost in your gaze.
I thought I was ready for this
But all I wanted was the bliss
Holding you close, heart on the mend
Now alone with my own dread
Waking up
With nightmares of you dying,
And me without you, crying.
Earthen Heart Nov 2020
My Mother:

I ground my feet into Her
Gaze up at Her mountain peaks, tree tops and blue skies
Taste Her springs, swim in Her seas
Feel Her Love embrace me in the air that I breathe
Caressing my body, filling my lungs.
Her light brings life
Her dark brings depths of emotion
She blinds me yet helps me see so clearly
She inspires,
Fulfills my heart’s desires
Which is simply to feel Her
Underneath and all around me.
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
There’s a mystery in the mountain,
One that cannot quite be explained;
A mystery that is felt deeply within,
the absence of psychological time...
God’s sacred presence emanates from the ground up,
Only to swirl back down in a cloud;
A mist rests on your cheek with a gentle kiss,
Divine essence penetrates to the depths of the soul.
So much to behold,
So many stories to untold;
She whispers softly,
Be here now.
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
She’s still broken
Fell back asleep
And has not woken
Sinking deep
One eye wide open
Two subconsciously closed
Forever and always hoping
To remain composed
But retracted into the mind
Overwhelming, consistent chatter
Treats the body unkind
Emotions scattered
Vulnerable to relapse
The depression and anxiety attacks
Whole life on the verge of collapse
Indifference piles up like brick stacks
Creating a wall
Heavy as f-ck
Too much weight; can’t move at all
Feeling forever stuck
Laying here
Heart beat alive
Covered in fear
Water below, ready to dive
Love is calling me near
Water consumingly cold
Difficult to breathe
But washes away the old
And grounds me to the Earth beneath
My weary feet
And the White Light I’ve seen
I will not accept defeat
Despite how challenging it’s been
Maybe my head under water
Isn’t all that bad
Resurfacing, I’ve floated further
Smiling, grateful and glad
Breathing in salty sea air
Ocean Breeze on my face
Friends who care
Take a picture just in case
I let go of the feeling
When I embraced the healing.
Earthen Heart Nov 2020
Staring at my phone, feeling kind of alone, getting a little ******.
It’s ok to be on my own at night, there’s glow from the moon light.
Although I don’t see her yet, I must not fret
Over the lack of her face, she’ll soon present me with grace;
Showing me in all her glory what’s the meaning of this story.
Wondering what it’s all about, head often filling with doubt;
Sometimes overcome with fear when the vision isn’t clear.
It’s been blurry due to thoughts being in such a hurry.
Always on the go, but not often in a meditative flow
Or honoring the moment as I should because the divine owns it
And so much in it is blessed.
Why do I feel stressed? Depressed? Out numbered?  Outweighed?
I still often feel shame, or lost, as if I don’t know my own name.
My identity is in constant fluidity.
This is just me, maybe it’s how I’m meant to be...
As long as I survive, live and thrive
In one way or another. Give love to my mother,
A gift for her upon my birth, Entering Earth.
And then I looked into her eyes, asking her my consistent “why’s”
Until it seemed in vain to repeat the same
Question over and over again upon realizing that I need to begin
Listening to the answers inside my heart, allowing the uncertainty to finally depart.
And here comes my father, who’s words have helped me get stronger.
Told me not to give up, told me not to stop
Simply due to frustration And a combination
Of my own lack of confidence and consciousness.

The stars in the sky tell me everything will be fine.
It’ll be okay, I won’t be led astray.
Comfort the light brings as the cicadas sing
In the tree tops and the fear stops.
I can breathe in the air, feel the earth beneath;
Sometimes life isn’t fair.
Despite the darkness who stares Into my soul, I’ll again become whole
If that’s what I seek; The truth I wish to hear speak
Once more to my heart space.
All that’s required is to trek on through the muck and the mire.
I was once wild until I lost touch with my inner child:
The adventurer within.
And it slowly begins to sink in that I found her here
In the absence of fear.
Engulfed in the night, it’ll be alright.

“Remember to pray, it really helps.
Look in the mirror
And say you love yourself.
Rewrite your story.
The journey itself is the point.”

With the intention for spiritual freedom and heart healing
I departed to the woods for their good tidings.
No expectations but love from the trees,
Themselves and their falling leaves
to the Earth’s floor.
I remember now -
From the Earth’s floor is where I find my freedom,
The kind the Divine Kingdom brings to the wandering soul
Seeking out the presence of it;
The shining light within the darkness, the darkness itself...
The one I no longer run from
Because I do not fear
For the path is illuminated,
Clear to walk on
As the vegetation is free to grow all around
With no tread trampling upon it.

The fear within to begin
Was only a deterrence from that which the soul desires
For often reoccurrence.
Rewrite your story;
Remember the mystical drive on the parkway that came again today.
Fog ahead, fog in the mirror.
And I finally hear her voice echoing to the depths of my being:
You’re no longer alone as this Earth we both roam
Together heart to heart, we never part.

Love is here. Love is clear. Get into gear. Get out of fear.
Earthen Heart Oct 2020
Owl eyes, won’t tell me lies -
Wisdom they plant within, let the journey begin
Of self discovery, Spiritual recovery.
How does it feel to fly
So quietly
Through all darkness to find your sustenance?
Teach me your ways, lessons to utilize for the rest of days
I have much to learn -
How to discern
When to give myself permission
To be still and listen.

Owl eyes, this darkness seems like my demise
But, you see so clearly in the condition that seems to nearly
**** me;
So threatening, never ending.
Lift me up on your wings; show me the beauty that nighttime brings.
Dissolve my life long delusion riddled with psychological confusion.
The dark descends to create contrast right alongside the downcast
Soul
As it waits to become whole.
When the shadows appear,
The light is always near.

Owl eyes, it is often difficult to visualize
That I, too, can navigate through the darkness
and appreciate
The uncomfortable lessons which emanate from depression
Rather than wrestling with my mind, leaving me tired and blind
Closing my eyes, deep breathing, releasing sighs
Feeling the breeze, slowly carrying away this disease.
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
The weight stacks,
On my shoulders.
Ensue: panic attacks.
The fire, smolders.
All smoke,
No flame.
When I awoke,
Realized I was to blame.

Now the feeling creeps in - - -

I

Take

Up

Too

Much

Space

Forget where to begin
Again, accepting Grace

Divine,
Intertwine:
Quiet my mind
So
I
Can
Unwind.
Earthen Heart Feb 2021
A plant
Ripped out of the Earth
Dirt falls as roots dangle
Reaching down
Grasping for the ground
The nutrients…
How long can I survive like this?
I’ve been resilient to weather
To the tread of feet
But how can I continue on
So… ungrounded?

Need. My. Mother. Back

Where I’ll be replanted
I don’t know
But it won’t be anyone else’s garden bed
But my own
Where I have the most room to grow
Deep and wide into the Earth, I’ll go
And gaze upward to the Sky
Opening up to the Sun Rays and Rain

Fire, Water
Earth, Air
Roots. Heart. Crown.

I once was a seedling
But there’s a flower waiting
To emerge from my flesh
As the light consumes the dark
And as they become one
I Become One with Myself
My strength flows in my Soul-Veins
And this is what sustains
Every. Single. Cell
Inside my physical body

My courage remains, always
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Feelings of sorrow today
may not be around tomorrow.
Maybe melancholy is the cue that there's inner work to do.
Wondering if I'd feel any different without a quarantine;
Coming to conclude that the constant imagination of an alternative reality is what is holding me down.
Maybe I need to think about right now... Be Here Now
Alone, quiet with my own soul;
no one else accompanying me in my mind, nowhere else that I'd hide

Attachments - When I'm holding on too tightly
I'm not fully alive

So then I send out my requests to the Universe:
Great Spirit, with your Fire
Cleanse me of all impurities
Suppressing all evil
Restore life once again
Reignite my inner flame
Resurrecting my spirit unto Yours.
I was raised as an evangelical Christian; we always observed Easter Sunday. This was the first year I wasn't observing it from a Christian perspective, but more a universal spiritual belief I suppose.
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Running in the forest
Over rocks, through streams;
Not much more here for us,
At least it seems.
Wanna grow wings,
Learn how to fly,
Listen to the Spirit who sings,
Kiss the clouds in the sky.
If the world ends tonight,
I want to die intertwined
With you in my sight,
Nothing on my mind
Except your heart against mine.
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
My soul sister
How I miss her
Heart shining bright
Embodiment of light
So many years
Endless shared tears
This looming distance
Has yet to separate us
What is tightly woven from the start
Can not easily be torn apart
Earthen Heart Aug 2020
Divine intervention
Universal protection
Learning to trust in myself, in the Spirit Guide
Who resides on the inside
Where my heart and soul collide
God of my life, I confide
Following my intuition
In any given situation
My feet on the ground
The people I am around
A man who holds me close
And the one who loves me most
The trees, they whisper
If only you’d listen to her
You have so much worth
After all, you’re here on Earth
Earthen Heart Jan 2021
Carrying a torch together,
We can’t forget about our own.
Tend to yours, I’ll tend to mine
And I’ll lend you my flame
When yours begins to fade
And I only hope you’ll do the same
Earthen Heart Mar 2021
This Pisces Energy
Is so heavy.
Lately, I’ve felt like I’m shrinking
And honestly, the idea of slinking
Back into my shell seems so ideal
To avoid everything that’s real.
Expansion hurts, and it’s terrifying.
Everything is unraveling.
Tearing at the seams
And I’ve been experiencing emotions to the most extremes
And often, I wish I could hide
From them but I can’t ignore what’s on the inside.
I’ve often been afraid to see
What comes up from the depths of me.
I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel a little broken, shattered
When reaching out for what I desire has me feeling a bit torn, tattered.
There’s happiness in the heartache,
Right in the mistake;
Clarity in the confusion,
Comfort in seclusion.
I will never have a sense of stability
If I continue searching for it externally.
Where do I belong?
I found that all along
My heart is my home
When I’m on my own.
What’s left but to let go of that which is not true
So I can be woven into something new?
Even the most rigid of glass can be smoothed by the sea
I’ll be tossed among these waves until I’m finally set free.

So I’ll love deeply
And live wildly
As I was created to be.
Everything is changing
Earthen Heart Nov 2020
Children in backyards playing in the sunshine of summertime;
Swing sets and trampolines, ***** feet and scarred knees.
Wandering through the forest, free to be explorers;
Sleeping in tents always made the most sense.
Those were some good days, living in our old place.

Come winter, we’d jump out of bed, gather the sleds;
Adventures to the big hill, always a thrill.
Snowball fights on starry nights
Until we were satisfied, then warmed by the fireside.
Those were some fun days, living in our old place.

As we got older, life seemed colder;
From my brothers, my father and my mother
The distance increased and the days ceased
When we would play and it was all okay.
Those were some lonely days, living in our old place

Depression visited me too young, the isolation wasn't fun;
Eleven years old, I was sternly told
That of it I should not speak, life became excessively bleak.
Overcome with sadness, an innocent girl navigating through the madness.
Those were some hard days, living in our old place.

Wondering where all the love went and the quality time spent,
Lacking a meaningful connection, absent of familial affection.
Alone in a poorly lit bedroom, experiencing psychological gloom.
Riddled with confusion and fear, everything became more unclear.
Those were some scary days, living in our old place.

We moved on our separate ways, trying to land a job that pays
And find friends who would make amends
To my broken heart, offering a brand new start.
But nothing quite compared to the love that I had for you...
During all those good days, living in our old place.

Maybe emotional neglect has a lifelong effect,
Remaining difficult to let go of the hurt that continued to grow
When I was only a child. Still longing to be reconciled
While learning how to cope, forever holding on to hope
Throughout these restless days, living in our new place.

— The End —