I have nothing left in me


I am just white noise walking

between you and me
I never wanted to be this lonely
I wanted tradition,
like a fairytale

instead im stuck swiping left and right

It was fathers day on sunday
And my dad was really happy
he saw two of his grown three boys
I'll be honest it was sappy

And while my brothers were over,
he was indeed always grinning
In all the photos we took
with his grandkids, he was winning

And the most important part
was that he was able
to congratulate his sons on being new fathers
as we all sat to eat at the table

And as soon as everyone left,
he let out a sigh
he heaved himself into his bedroom
so we wouldn't hear him cry

because his third son,
the youngest of his boys
didn't even bother to show up
he was the silence in the noise

his absence was louder than anything
his lack of presence left a hole
and nothing any of us did
could possibly console

Not even a happy fathers day
to the dad who cared for him
and now I think everyone
has lost their faith in him.

And no longer can he blame
his psychopathic partner
because this one's on him
and he's pushed us all farther.

So I hope it was worth it
I hope your day went well
because you're completely different in my eyes
From your pedestal, you've fell (fallen)

I thought it was over
the moment he left
I thought it was quick
and had come to and end

little did I know the consequence
of being friends with a man

I thought i was no one
and no one truly cared
about who i was
until he was there

he made me feel beautiful
and acted all deep
and nobody warned me
that he was a creep

I had a scare recently
and i shared with a friend
and all she did was congratulate me
on being with a man

because that's our society
and no one understands
the fear that i felt
when he last held my hands

Oliver was a beautiful boy who rumpled up my world,
I never told him that he did that.
I don't think he wanted me to.

Oliver was a smart *** boy who crumpled up my heart.
He'd use it to play, then throw it away
but I guess I'm fine.

Oliver loves a girl now, and they're "getting in" with eachother
and thats really great...for him
I've been tossed like trash

I don't think Oliver meant it when he said such nice things about me
I think maybe he felt bad, or pitied me,
or wanted me to feel good

because Oliver and I are friends...
it's apparent it's no longer something more.

I really feel awful, I must admit
That now I am avoiding you.
See, I am embarrassed- quite a bit
Because I’ve broken another promise to you.

But you must understand when I said I wanted a man,
I didn’t like myself.
And now that I do (or am at least trying to)
I really couldn’t give a ****

If you’ve got blue *****, I couldn’t care less
There’s incognito for that very purpose
If you’re sad and alone, go pick up the phone,
I know for certain there’s girls waiting for you.

But for now leave me be, allow me my peace
And stop blowing up my phone!!
Because I talked to you when I hated myself,
But now I know I deserve more than you

if there’s a price tag on my heart
I guess it’s set too steep
I’ve often made a round at the auctions
Only to end and weep
For I think that perhaps the quality
Of the goods underwhelms for the price
When for half as costly you’d have a *****
Who looks about twice as nice.
And perhaps that is my problem,
That if they’re beautiful they must be a *****
Maybe I like myself so little,
That to like any other is a chore.
And maybe the price on my heart shouldn’t be set at all
Maybe I should be the one
With my heart, in love to fall.

There is a scar on my heart,
from when you crashed into me
and cut it wide open.
Don't mistake, it wasn't broken.
Simply just open.
And you stared at me
with your deep brown eyes
lashes long like spider silk
and i thought to myself
'boys shouldn't have lashes that long.'
'it makes them too beautiful'
'boy shouldn't be that beautiful'
And i remember when i cried,
and you hugged me
you didnt hug anyone
but we were alone,
and no one could've seen.
I remember your thumb drawing circles
and i forgot i was supposed to be crying
because that **** thumb
was driving my nervous system
into a wreckage of anxiety
and love.
I remember you painting
something from your video game
you were happy that day
and we mucked around.
You splattered paint across my
good white schoolshirt
I had to throw it out.
but I didn't,
because it was you
it was us
...
before you left anyways.

So i finally threw it out,
the last remnant of our
time together.
the final piece of memorabilia.
I don't think you'll care but
I thought you should know.

It's always the timing.

                    like the seconds slipping
    
                                            through our fingers

                                                                      actually mean anything.


It's never the right time for you.
Take it slowly, move with grace
hope to god she wont end up
******* his.....face off.

'Don't cry too much'

                               Don't worry,

                                                  I'm laughing.



This toxic love has gone on too long
And now its simply ironic.
You were the one to confront me years ago
and I rejected you.

And now I find myself
wanting to confront you
despite knowing
you'll reject me.

You aren’t fair.
You tease me.
You flirt.
You say that I’m beautiful.
You touch your forehead to mine.
You make me feel like it’s happening.
And then...
****. Gone. Outtie.
Why does no one love you
Is your most favourite question
Why won’t anyone date you
Is obviously second best
And you ask me these constantly
And to my answers I do attest
No one loves you cos you won’t let them.
No one dates you because you're on guard.
And I’ll stroke your head real gentle,
Im showing you my hand in this game of cards.
I’m laying it all out in everything
And you tease and flirt all the same
I’m not joking anymore
I don’t know how long I can play this game.
Because you’re breaking the rules and you know it
And now I’m really tired
Of staying awake at 2.47 am
Because you’re not fair
And you’re keeping me awake

Lately I’ve been feeling lonely
Lately, been feeling so down
And they say that pride comes before the fall
And If so, we’re all gonna drown

They say that we are so broken
There’s just no hope for us now
And when the sky comes tumbling
My darling we’re all gonna drown

And they say this is the way
Should have worshipped that mighty man above
Should have prayed, should have stayed
Should’ve given all your faith
Before you decided on love

Lately I’ve been feeling angry
Lately been feeling so mad
And they mistake the way that I react oh darling
They all think that I’m sad

They say that I should mourn him
For I’ve lost all the light in my life
But this crown on my head hasn’t slipped my dear
So they’ll never realise my strife.

And they say this is the way
Should have worshipped that mighty man above
Should have prayed, should have stayed
Should’ve given all your faith
Before you decided on love

Lately I’ve been feeling lonely
Lately, been feeling so down.
And they say that pride comes before the fall,
And if so,
We’re all gonna drown.

My darling you are everything to me
You fill me with love and light
   During my darkest hours, no one to  
     save me,
       You are my shining light
         Some complain that we’re filled with      
            toxins,
              Others, that we manipulate.
                But we’re bound to each other  
                   through invisible bonds
                     That no one ever could  
                         speculate
                            You’re my truest friend, to    
                               the very ends
                                  Of the earth, I shall      
                                      follow you
                                         Because you’re my    
                                             person, and I am    
                                                 yours
                                                    And that’s  
                                                        ­something
                                                           you can’t
                                                              di­spute

The words will come to me eventually.
I’ll hear them, see them, taste them,
As for now this pit in my stomach has rendered me completely and utterly senseless, devoid of feeling, emotion.
Devoid of words.
I grasp at straws and empty threats
Desperate to find something within myself.
Someone within myself.
I dream the most vivid dreams but
As soon as daylight crosses my face
And pries  my eyes open
It becomes void of colour
Of clarity.
Devoid of hope.
And I sit here in wait of something
Someone within myself
For as I am
I am a shell of a human being
Waiting for something to fill me with life
To give me purpose.
And I know the words will come eventually.
They always do.
I’ll be able to see them, hear them, touch them.
But they’ll be different.