Something like a shiver,
More of a tremble?
Like my unbelievably shaky hand
as I write this down?
You move me,
Subtly
Or so it may seem.
A shiver is monumental.
My whole body quakes
A tremble can be noticed by onlookers
And making my hand shake,
well, it makes my already poor penmanship worse.
Though It may look that I am;
Composed,
Collected,
Unfazed
And calm.
I'm not.
My heart races at your voice.
My mind melts into ease by your touch.
And I feel lightheaded by the meer utterance of your name.
I'm settling down,
I'm ruffling my feathers once more
And
I'm tucking my beak into my wings.
I've heard ducks mate for life.
You like ducks
And
I like you
I love you
I'm in love with you.
Do me a favor?
Lift the corners of your lips, for me.
Please?

Sunday's the "holy sabbath"
Some wonderful day it is
I must be the worlds most unlucky man
I never get an "easy Sunday"
I'm starting to hate this day of the week

I've always struggled for a muse to my inspiration.
In short
I would hold myself back
smoke ***
get depressed
Then
be miserable with my poor life choices.
I'm choosing to no longer be punctual;
I will be early.
I'm choosing to keep my eyes on my horizon and surround myself with people who want to stay in my peripheral vision.
If I can see you, you aren't holding me back.
You're giving me a reason to keep moving forward.

I sit thumbs over my iPods key board
On a bus to work
Thinking back with a feeling;
Longing?
Nostalgia?
Regret?
What is this?
A question with no answer?
Or
A question with many?
Is death's grip on reality
as strong as I perceive?
I remember sitting in your class
I remember thinking endlessly,
"How do I overcome this anger"
When I learned of your death,
I was at home,
Packing,
Planning my escape to the west coast.
Where Summer becomes Fall
And
Fall never ends until Summer's return.

I'm not sure what day it was,
I'm not sure I want to remember.
No, I know I don't.
It's approaching a year.

I regret not seeing you more.
The indefinite absence of you
Has me thinking a lot.

About mortality
About spirituality
About what I can call progress.

Losing you is but growing pains.
Losing you is but life
Losing you is unfair
To the lost sheep you'll never guide
To the path of self worth.
In your place I'll do my best.
But I don't know if my heart is capable of unconditional love
Like yours for your students was.

"all we gave each other is inspiration to write heart broken poetry"

Thats ******* *******
I have poems about
how much I love you
The depth of my happiness
And remember all my heartbroken poetry
Is because you made decisions that only ever hurt me.
You left me to be with your ex
You left me because love is too hard for you
You left me because you're too stubburn to ******* see how much I love you.
You hurt me so ******* much,
Yeah I've written some bitter poetry.
but if we refer back
to something you said once more
"Sad poets only write sad poems because when they were happy they were too busy living."
So here we go again,
I'll drown my sorrows because of you and cry on the floor listening to the music you showed me.
And in the back of my mind
All I'll hear is
"*******, you miss me."
So goodbye,
I hope your loneliness will kiss you goodnight for me.

I speak poetry
With flow
I speak poetry as a release.
I don't see a reason to sell my feelings

Today, was a massive ******* to me.
I didn't want to each you buy cute clothes,
I didn't want to watch you pick out new bras
I didn't want to listen to the sad k-Matt music.
And watching you check your phone and paint your nails was painful as ****.
Just because we aren't together
You make my feelings nonexaistant.
Being asked if you're outfit looked good,
That's where it hurt the most why do you want to hear it from me?
Tonight you were getting cute for him.

So begins the three day wait where I'm stuck.
I have three days to survive without a crutch.
Three days to pretend I'm not missing you.
Three days to figure out to wait to finish grand theft auto or wait until we're friends again.  
Three days.

I am no more now than I was then.
I'm still, too, proud to cry before you
I'm still, too, kind when it comes to you
I'm still, too, scared to be without you
But my fatal flaw
That's always been that I could never prove I love you.

I don't know where to start, I don't want to, honestly.
The inevitably that I'll somehow **** up my life is all too real.
I'm kind of like a comma or some other form of punctuation.
I serve a purpose.
At least I hope I do.
I'm a slow reader.
So punctuation is important to me.
I take in every period, comma, semicolon, colon and so on and so forth.
It is, without any doubt, easy to ignore punctuation and miss the beauty of the sentence you just skimmed.
So breeze past everything
And miss me.
It's okay,
It's okay.

It's entirely, too, quiet.

Closed doors
Tension holds every movement.
A drink stronger than our egos
The hardest part of mixing my drinks is that when I have the spins I can't hold onto you.
Im drowning in my head
I'm sinking in my skin.
I don't want this anymore.
I want to die and come back as who you need.
I want to die and come back.
I want to die.
I'd die to abolish your sins
Yours alone.
I have a problem.
It's not you.
It's in a bottle and hides in cans.
Typing is hard.
I'm sorry.

I'm lost in my head.
My brain is an infinitely expanding sea
And
My spirit;
A squid.
Much like the depths
at which
giant squid swim
The preasure is extraordinary
The darkness, laughably stereotypical
I've been swimming for ages
But has it been
The same circle
All this time?

It's weird; being here.
I'm here to support the woman I love.
I'm here willingly and happily
Soon it will be my turn
Soon I'll be fixing myself
But as of right now the TV plays pbs shows.
And the old Asian woman sitting across from me has been eyeing me up and down.
Reminding me that back where I was conceived,
I'll never be accepted.
Just like I'll never be accepted in my home country

Funny how I somehow can't prove I love you.
It's funny how even though I've been committed you can't even say I'm you're boyfriend.
It's funny how I'm not your boyfriend
It's funny how while I talk endlessly about you you can't tell me one time recently you do the same.
It's funny how while I'm ******* sobbing over how to prove I love you all you can say is I can't.
It's funny how even being alive isn't enough for you
It's funny how much I've started to hate myself because I can't do anything well enough.
It's funny right?

Please, call me back.

It's hard to sleep tonight.
As the recent days have ended with you in my arms.
I couldn't escape this everlasting all-nighter.
Because nothing fits in my arms the way you do.
Nothing rises and falls like your chest.  
Nothing carries the gentle fragrance you have.
Nothing compares to your warmth.
Nothing is you.
And
Without you.
This room has nothing for me.

You sweep through my mind, quickly.
    Like a whirlwind, unpredictable,
     Unstoppable, incomprehensible.

ah, I didn't realize,
I shouldn't assume
that I'm the only one
who gets to see
A smile I thought
was meant for me
Haha, it hurts you know.
But that's okay.
I'm still lucky
But so is everyone else.

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the words she says
Keeps me by her side

It's another day of work,
I'm hungover.
I'm tired
The snow is settled,
surely melting.
My depression has me
locked in the bathroom.
Ten minutes.
Management,
Give me ten minutes
To swallow my sorrow
I'll sit in the bathroom
count my heartbeat,
And
Remember the sweet kiss
Of the summer sun.
Ten minutes to bask in my sorrow.
Management,
Give me ten minutes.

I'm caving in.
I knew this would happen.
I am a tornado
of the fall leaves  
Of love
Of hopelessness
I'm paper mâché
A piñata, holding nothing.
It's starting to rain.
How am I going to make it?
I can't pretend I'm not alone anymore.

I've decided that from here on in I will write a poem a day.
My joys,
My indifference
And
All my dismays.
I'll voice my feelings
Electronicly
Forgive me my past but I have to move on.
Get ready my future
Because here I come.

Sometimes when I think about you I get really sad. I'm sure to you that means we'll never work out and that's a sad ******* thought to me. I've seen it happen those miserable days where I felt more vacant than I should and well, I can tell they're starting over. It's hard, yah know.

Watching you painfully avert your eyes
Feeling you watch me avert mine.
I can't further describe hell any better. I can see it. I know you can, too.
Baby, yes, baby. I love you.

We were a home.
We still are.


I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since we binged last night.
I know you'll get worried.
But just for today.
I'm punishing myself.
I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable in public.
I've been really trying to fix it.

Fears as I contemplate swallowing my pride and giving it and taking the pills that would make me who you want.
I really can't say I'm excited but I'll follow a schedule. For you. For you I'd do anything. I'd become whatever you asked to keep you at my side. You're far from a possession. I've never looked at you as one. Rachel please. Baby please, come back to me.
My arm miss your cool skin.
My chest misses your beautiful hair.

I wish you know what you meant to me. I wish you felt how hurt I am so you knew exactly how much you mean. I haven't cried yet. I'm waiting for tonight when I get off work. I'm gonna go on a walk find somewhere and breakdown and with a stiff drink, I'll cry even harder.
I wonder how you could see me this miserable and think I don't love you.
I would bleed myself dry if you needed to have a body's worth of blood to save you.
I'm so in love with you.
I'm so happy with you.
I'm doing my best to give you the consistency you want.
I'm doing my best to cope with my anxiety.
I know trying not enough to prove I love you.
But how will you know I can change if you aren't there to see how much I can and will change.
Rachel, my love, baby, my dearest love, my best friend. Please.

I'm here I'm waiting and I'm fighting for us. Please don't give up on us, on me. I'll do whatever you want. I'll wash the dishes and make the bed I'll hold you tighter I'll kiss you longer. I love you so much. Please hear my pleas.

But baby I don't know how to ask for help

So much has happened today.
My sleep deprivation is catching up
The weather was nice,
Work was short but felt like forever
I saw you
Learned more about your mom
I walked home
I rapped the whole way back
Dessi needed advice
I provided it
I ate
I caught up with all my anime
here I sit
Here I sit.
all the while knowing **** well
I consistently missed you.

Here I sit,
Reminding myself what I am,
A friend.
Some days I forget that.
Some days I pretend it's not real
And some days
I find myself
in the space between sheets of paper.
One labeled "lover"
The other, "friend"
You treat me like a lover,
Until you remember that
I'm just another paranoid thought.
I'm not worth the trouble.
I don't know what you think.
All I want to know is what did I do wrong?
And what am I doing back at my place so early?
I'm still here for you
And
I'm really sorry I forgot my place

Remember when I used to look up fan sounds on YouTube when we slept at your moms house?

Well now I'm looking up videos of soft breathing to try and fall asleep.

Even with the fan it's hard to sleep

personal accountability
Two words
An arT

I've been neglecting my poetry,
Rather,
I've been neglecting my desire to write.
I'm not in so melancholy mindset,
Not being swallowed by my sullen thoughts.
I'm just at a point where I'm having, too much, fun.
I have had a zillion and three fleeting thoughts but that's neither here nor there.
What I'm saying is, hellopoetry, I'm doing okay.
So don't worry.

I do love you,
More than the taste of your sweat
And the feel of your breath against my neck.

You and I are
Shore and sea
When I press up the banks of your mind taking you in like a lizard takes the sun, I know that we are one.
When I pull away taking what seems like bits of you. I still know we are one.

I let my depression rock like the tides and I'm learning for our sake not to let it. The shore never asked for the tide to pull away and you never asked for me to shut down.

I will grow stonger
so high tide
Never rolls away

Your writing is far too beautiful to ruin with liquor

I'm fighting tears
like
the knights of lore fought dragons
I'm a turret of emotions
The demons under my bed
are reaching up and holding me by my throat as I sleep
Forcing me to dream of the good days of old
Forcing me to face my fears for the future
I wander the streets late at night
A slight limp from the broken bone in my foot.
I'm self destructive
Why would I let myself heal
when I know I'm hurting everyone I love.
I can't breathe again.
The ball and chain on my ankle is cutting deep.
The white noise I found an escape in isn't enough anymore
The voices are coming back.
My border line personality disorder
is burning bridges
While I desperately drag my past as I try and ***** the flames.
I'm reaching for buckets of water
But dumping gasoline
Burn, baby, burn

How am I to help
When I can not tell you no
I am so sorry.

I've been left with my thoughts all day
I'm hungry, by choice
I'm sweating
I'm tired
I miss the thought of stopping by before I skate home
I wonder what you're up to.
I wish I could do over yesterday and avoid whatever it was that led us here.
I'm at an utter loss.
You seem ready to move on
But I'll be idling here arms out stretched
Waiting
Wanting
Hopeful.

Being an inconvience to the ones you do truly love.

I'm in the wild
Though I haven't left my bed.
I'm in the wild
I'm trapped inside my head
I'm in the wild

I've learned the value of life
I've fought long enough to be a veteran
I've grown weary of the front lines.
I've grown into something few would recognize.
I fight for what's right
Not a superhero of any kind.
I'm here to replace the guns with chess pieces.
I'm replacing swords with water balloons.
I'm taking into consideration the feelings of others.
I've far surpassed the days of violent anger.
Live and let live.
Live and let live.
Be kind
Love strong.

I hope I don't wake up.
I really want to die tonight.
I wish I would.
I wish I could be all the things you think I am.
So I could ******* **** myself.
This isn't even poetry anymore.
God I hate that you would be destroyed if I did it.

I wish I could get the okay and swallow thumb tacks.

I feel, too, intensely .
I wish I didn't,
I really do
If I didn't feel like this,
than knowing you aren't actually mine
Wouldn't hurt so ******* much.
I wish I could just feel things normally
I wish I could look at you without swooning
I wish I could be in your company without being captivated by you.
I don't dislike how I feel about you,
I dislike how much I wish we were a we.
I can get used to being alone again.
But I can't get used to being this distraught.

I'm not in the mood for writing.
I'm not who I want to be.
That's what's killing me.
I have such high standards
For my own self worth
I've dug my grave far too deep.
And it's starting to rain.
I hope that I can fill this pit with water and pull myself out by the storms end.
For now, I'll be okay feeling worthless.