"all we gave each other is inspiration to write heart broken poetry"

Thats ******* *******
I have poems about
how much I love you
The depth of my happiness
And remember all my heartbroken poetry
Is because you made decisions that only ever hurt me.
You left me to be with your ex
You left me because love is too hard for you
You left me because you're too stubburn to ******* see how much I love you.
You hurt me so ******* much,
Yeah I've written some bitter poetry.
but if we refer back
to something you said once more
"Sad poets only write sad poems because when they were happy they were too busy living."
So here we go again,
I'll drown my sorrows because of you and cry on the floor listening to the music you showed me.
And in the back of my mind
All I'll hear is
"*******, you miss me."
So goodbye,
I hope your loneliness will kiss you goodnight for me.

Snow to my hips outside the house
While I do chores
While you sleep.
I watch you quietly for a while.
I watch you rest.
Sleep tight
while I figure out
What I'll do until I'm tired.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to cope.
I don't have anyone who actually cares.
I don't have the will to fight.
I don't have the energy to argue
I don't want to live anymore
I don't want to live anymore
I don't have the will to fake my smile
I don't want this anymore
I  don't want to live anymore

I've decided that from here on in I will write a poem a day.
My joys,
My indifference
And
All my dismays.
I'll voice my feelings
Electronicly
Forgive me my past but I have to move on.
Get ready my future
Because here I come.

Twenty-four minutes seems a lot longer
when I fall into my thoughts of you and how much I miss you.
I know that this time probably,
Probably is the end
so I'm planning ahead;
tonight I'll drink
Take a walk around the neighborhood looking for advise
in the bending of trees
or
search for some romantic depth
in the spot where the streetlights
can no longer illuminate the Road. Tomorrow, I'll be worse than today,
I'll start pretending to be okay.
I can't wait until I have another life
to pass the time
as I dread falling asleep missing you.

It's entirely, too, quiet.

I don't know where to start, I don't want to, honestly.
The inevitably that I'll somehow **** up my life is all too real.
I'm kind of like a comma or some other form of punctuation.
I serve a purpose.
At least I hope I do.
I'm a slow reader.
So punctuation is important to me.
I take in every period, comma, semicolon, colon and so on and so forth.
It is, without any doubt, easy to ignore punctuation and miss the beauty of the sentence you just skimmed.
So breeze past everything
And miss me.
It's okay,
It's okay.

Funny how I somehow can't prove I love you.
It's funny how even though I've been committed you can't even say I'm you're boyfriend.
It's funny how I'm not your boyfriend
It's funny how while I talk endlessly about you you can't tell me one time recently you do the same.
It's funny how while I'm ******* sobbing over how to prove I love you all you can say is I can't.
It's funny how even being alive isn't enough for you
It's funny how much I've started to hate myself because I can't do anything well enough.
It's funny right?

So begins the three day wait where I'm stuck.
I have three days to survive without a crutch.
Three days to pretend I'm not missing you.
Three days to figure out to wait to finish grand theft auto or wait until we're friends again.  
Three days.

Today, was a massive ******* to me.
I didn't want to each you buy cute clothes,
I didn't want to watch you pick out new bras
I didn't want to listen to the sad k-Matt music.
And watching you check your phone and paint your nails was painful as ****.
Just because we aren't together
You make my feelings nonexaistant.
Being asked if you're outfit looked good,
That's where it hurt the most why do you want to hear it from me?
Tonight you were getting cute for him.

I've been neglecting my poetry,
Rather,
I've been neglecting my desire to write.
I'm not in so melancholy mindset,
Not being swallowed by my sullen thoughts.
I'm just at a point where I'm having, too much, fun.
I have had a zillion and three fleeting thoughts but that's neither here nor there.
What I'm saying is, hellopoetry, I'm doing okay.
So don't worry.

I've always struggled for a muse to my inspiration.
In short
I would hold myself back
smoke ***
get depressed
Then
be miserable with my poor life choices.
I'm choosing to no longer be punctual;
I will be early.
I'm choosing to keep my eyes on my horizon and surround myself with people who want to stay in my peripheral vision.
If I can see you, you aren't holding me back.
You're giving me a reason to keep moving forward.

Closed doors
Tension holds every movement.
A drink stronger than our egos
The hardest part of mixing my drinks is that when I have the spins I can't hold onto you.
Im drowning in my head
I'm sinking in my skin.
I don't want this anymore.
I want to die and come back as who you need.
I want to die and come back.
I want to die.
I'd die to abolish your sins
Yours alone.
I have a problem.
It's not you.
It's in a bottle and hides in cans.
Typing is hard.
I'm sorry.

Something like a shiver,
More of a tremble?
Like my unbelievably shaky hand
as I write this down?
You move me,
Subtly
Or so it may seem.
A shiver is monumental.
My whole body quakes
A tremble can be noticed by onlookers
And making my hand shake,
well, it makes my already poor penmanship worse.
Though It may look that I am;
Composed,
Collected,
Unfazed
And calm.
I'm not.
My heart races at your voice.
My mind melts into ease by your touch.
And I feel lightheaded by the meer utterance of your name.
I'm settling down,
I'm ruffling my feathers once more
And
I'm tucking my beak into my wings.
I've heard ducks mate for life.
You like ducks
And
I like you
I love you
I'm in love with you.
Do me a favor?
Lift the corners of your lips, for me.
Please?

Sometimes when I think about you I get really sad. I'm sure to you that means we'll never work out and that's a sad ******* thought to me. I've seen it happen those miserable days where I felt more vacant than I should and well, I can tell they're starting over. It's hard, yah know.

Watching you painfully avert your eyes
Feeling you watch me avert mine.
I can't further describe hell any better. I can see it. I know you can, too.
Baby, yes, baby. I love you.

We were a home.
We still are.


I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since we binged last night.
I know you'll get worried.
But just for today.
I'm punishing myself.
I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable in public.
I've been really trying to fix it.

Fears as I contemplate swallowing my pride and giving it and taking the pills that would make me who you want.
I really can't say I'm excited but I'll follow a schedule. For you. For you I'd do anything. I'd become whatever you asked to keep you at my side. You're far from a possession. I've never looked at you as one. Rachel please. Baby please, come back to me.
My arm miss your cool skin.
My chest misses your beautiful hair.

I wish you know what you meant to me. I wish you felt how hurt I am so you knew exactly how much you mean. I haven't cried yet. I'm waiting for tonight when I get off work. I'm gonna go on a walk find somewhere and breakdown and with a stiff drink, I'll cry even harder.
I wonder how you could see me this miserable and think I don't love you.
I would bleed myself dry if you needed to have a body's worth of blood to save you.
I'm so in love with you.
I'm so happy with you.
I'm doing my best to give you the consistency you want.
I'm doing my best to cope with my anxiety.
I know trying not enough to prove I love you.
But how will you know I can change if you aren't there to see how much I can and will change.
Rachel, my love, baby, my dearest love, my best friend. Please.

I'm here I'm waiting and I'm fighting for us. Please don't give up on us, on me. I'll do whatever you want. I'll wash the dishes and make the bed I'll hold you tighter I'll kiss you longer. I love you so much. Please hear my pleas.

I speak poetry
With flow
I speak poetry as a release.
I don't see a reason to sell my feelings

It's hard to sleep tonight.
As the recent days have ended with you in my arms.
I couldn't escape this everlasting all-nighter.
Because nothing fits in my arms the way you do.
Nothing rises and falls like your chest.  
Nothing carries the gentle fragrance you have.
Nothing compares to your warmth.
Nothing is you.
And
Without you.
This room has nothing for me.

Sunday's the "holy sabbath"
Some wonderful day it is
I must be the worlds most unlucky man
I never get an "easy Sunday"
I'm starting to hate this day of the week

I'm lost in my head.
My brain is an infinitely expanding sea
And
My spirit;
A squid.
Much like the depths
at which
giant squid swim
The preasure is extraordinary
The darkness, laughably stereotypical
I've been swimming for ages
But has it been
The same circle
All this time?

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the words she says
Keeps me by her side

I do love you,
More than the taste of your sweat
And the feel of your breath against my neck.

You and I are
Shore and sea
When I press up the banks of your mind taking you in like a lizard takes the sun, I know that we are one.
When I pull away taking what seems like bits of you. I still know we are one.

I let my depression rock like the tides and I'm learning for our sake not to let it. The shore never asked for the tide to pull away and you never asked for me to shut down.

I will grow stonger
so high tide
Never rolls away

I'm caving in.
I knew this would happen.
I am a tornado
of the fall leaves  
Of love
Of hopelessness
I'm paper mâché
A piñata, holding nothing.
It's starting to rain.
How am I going to make it?
I can't pretend I'm not alone anymore.

But baby I don't know how to ask for help

So much has happened today.
My sleep deprivation is catching up
The weather was nice,
Work was short but felt like forever
I saw you
Learned more about your mom
I walked home
I rapped the whole way back
Dessi needed advice
I provided it
I ate
I caught up with all my anime
here I sit
Here I sit.
all the while knowing **** well
I consistently missed you.

It's another day of work,
I'm hungover.
I'm tired
The snow is settled,
surely melting.
My depression has me
locked in the bathroom.
Ten minutes.
Management,
Give me ten minutes
To swallow my sorrow
I'll sit in the bathroom
count my heartbeat,
And
Remember the sweet kiss
Of the summer sun.
Ten minutes to bask in my sorrow.
Management,
Give me ten minutes.

personal accountability
Two words
An arT

I am no more now than I was then.
I'm still, too, proud to cry before you
I'm still, too, kind when it comes to you
I'm still, too, scared to be without you
But my fatal flaw
That's always been that I could never prove I love you.

Being an inconvience to the ones you do truly love.

I want you
Like echo
Wants narsissis

I need you
Like Icarus
Needed to fly higher

Yet here I am
Holding the world of regret that I created on my back.

I'm fighting tears
like
the knights of lore fought dragons
I'm a turret of emotions
The demons under my bed
are reaching up and holding me by my throat as I sleep
Forcing me to dream of the good days of old
Forcing me to face my fears for the future
I wander the streets late at night
A slight limp from the broken bone in my foot.
I'm self destructive
Why would I let myself heal
when I know I'm hurting everyone I love.
I can't breathe again.
The ball and chain on my ankle is cutting deep.
The white noise I found an escape in isn't enough anymore
The voices are coming back.
My border line personality disorder
is burning bridges
While I desperately drag my past as I try and ***** the flames.
I'm reaching for buckets of water
But dumping gasoline
Burn, baby, burn

It's weird; being here.
I'm here to support the woman I love.
I'm here willingly and happily
Soon it will be my turn
Soon I'll be fixing myself
But as of right now the TV plays pbs shows.
And the old Asian woman sitting across from me has been eyeing me up and down.
Reminding me that back where I was conceived,
I'll never be accepted.
Just like I'll never be accepted in my home country

I'm sitting on the three blankets and pillow, I've been allotted to sleep on.
I'm listening to the song I always do for these mind cleansings
In the background, further still, my roommate talks to her friend; loudly, I might add.
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to.
I'm quiet here, anytime I speak I'm generally ignored.
For the most part that's fine.
My anxiety has been really bad as of late.
So has my nicotine addiction.
No matter what I say or do,
I can't pull myself out of this rut.
I've been going on walks
Two days ago, it was three or four miles
Yesterday it was five or six
Today, I walked at least six
I'm not really keeping track.
I'm not letting myself think.
I'm not allowed to.
"You're affecting everyone in the house."
I wonder if you thought about how much that hurt me.
I doubt it.
I'm not wallowing in self pity so much as emptying my head.
I quietly sit,
No one has similar interests as me.
I watch anime when I'm bored
Or sleep.
I think the epitome to how lonely I am here is the playing chess alone.
I haven't had an intelligent conversation
Well, since Ken and I discussed the black hole theories on time slowing and wormholes
A week ago.
I can't joke the way I do without hurting someone's feelings or being too obscene.
I'm lonely
Very lonely.
If this were a game of house,
I'd be the dog.
I want a job so I can move out.
So I can make friends.
I want to go hang out downtown with people who want to talk to me.
Who don't make me feel like **** for getting in my slumps.
I want to be around people who won't tell me that I'm not allowed to be negative
only to immediately counteract that with hypocrisy saying
"only were allowed to be negative."
I'm fluxing between three and four cigarettes a day.
I'm not allowed to wear my safety hat because it's negative
I'm not allowed to listen to "negative" music.
I have more rules here then I did living in my dad's basement.
"The grass is always greener"
Honestly, I knew it would be like this.
It's still better than being emotionally abused.
Well, romantically anyway.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Physically
Emotionally
Mentally
And I'm getting fed up.
Honestly,
the only thing that keeps me from commiting suicide right now is seeing an new city.
Not my friends
Just the sites
Everyone back home has forgotten me
Everyone here acts like I'm not.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm immersed in my reading, anime and poetry.
No one understands. I ******* hate being inside my head.
I ******* hate this.
I ******* hate me.
But I'll never say a word.
Because if I talk,
I'll be scolded for ******* feeling.

Please, call me back.

You sweep through my mind, quickly.
    Like a whirlwind, unpredictable,
     Unstoppable, incomprehensible.

ah, I didn't realize,
I shouldn't assume
that I'm the only one
who gets to see
A smile I thought
was meant for me
Haha, it hurts you know.
But that's okay.
I'm still lucky
But so is everyone else.

I've learned the value of life
I've fought long enough to be a veteran
I've grown weary of the front lines.
I've grown into something few would recognize.
I fight for what's right
Not a superhero of any kind.
I'm here to replace the guns with chess pieces.
I'm replacing swords with water balloons.
I'm taking into consideration the feelings of others.
I've far surpassed the days of violent anger.
Live and let live.
Live and let live.
Be kind
Love strong.

Remember when I used to look up fan sounds on YouTube when we slept at your moms house?

Well now I'm looking up videos of soft breathing to try and fall asleep.

Even with the fan it's hard to sleep

I'm doing something
Something I never thought I would be.
I'm laying in bed  
my first love with me once more

we're mostly quiet
We're listening to the music
The music we used to aleviate the pain
Of our break up

It's odd.
Very odd.
However, I don't mind

I'm in the wild
Though I haven't left my bed.
I'm in the wild
I'm trapped inside my head
I'm in the wild

Your writing is far too beautiful to ruin with liquor

How am I to help
When I can not tell you no
I am so sorry.

There are days when it seems the world feels smaller,
Maybe, I'm being overly self-conscious.
Probably.
Today, I have to pack my ****.
I'm moving back home,
I'm not ready to be alone.
Yet, here I sit.
At the same spot I wrote "All children make mistakes"
This will either be a "part two" maybe just another "Untitled"
I'm throwing back two shots of whisky
And putting the empty bottle in my pocket.
I know I'm a good poet,
I know at some point I've written something someone could relate to.
Maybe even saved a life.
I'll never know,
I don't think I want to.
Growing up I always wanted to be like the people who saved me,
Develope some ability to stop someone from...
Well, let's face it. I'm scared of the word.
It's like it has the ability to turn from letters into a rope slipping up my leg,
A snake in the grass
And tie itself around my neck and lead me like cattle.
I'm strong
I'm strong
I'm...
I'm just a ****** up kid
in a twenty year old's body.
Ive realized that the pressure that comes with saving a life is overwhelming,
Too much for little 'ole me.
"I'm not like the rest."
I am.
I know I am.
My depression is bad.
Real bad.
I'm scared it'll rip you away like a scab,
You'll tear the scar tissue and be freed
While I'm left with a hole, bleeding.
My now ex-roommates
keep asking me if I'm okay.
Nah, I'm not.
I'm so lost.
Happy with things, honestly.
It all kinda worked out.
I'm just lost.
And I wanted to talk to you about it on our walk.
But, you wanted to be with your friends.
It's okay though. I'll just pack my **** in a bit and when you ask if I'm okay,
I'll pretend I didn't write this.
Not to spite you,
But because I'll have pushed it into the box of negativity that everyone calls a heart.
Well, metaphorically.