am I really worth anything?
If the bridges I've burned looking for myself could be rebuilt, would there be a home to return to? I don't know whether or not I'm going to be okay.

Today, I looked at myself in the mirror.
I know that it's something I do everyday, However, today I made the mistake of locking eyes with myself. I tell everyone I know I'm okay, it's how it's been as long as I can remember. I have my father's gaze, piercing. I could see so far into myself I felt I might melt under the heat of it and in the split second of contact I saw the bags under my eyes, the pain I tried to hide and I saw that nothing's really changed.

Today I was in the middle of something when I had a fleeting thought of what it would me like if you were here. I immediately stopped what I was doing to let myself daydream of you. So rarely do I let my mind drift to this that I thought it would be a little reward for being so good and compartmentalizing so well.

So I thought of you. I thought of the joke you would make about my handwriting. I thought about where your hand would be on my thigh. I thought about the laugh lines around your eyes that would come out when you smiled at my smile. I thought about it all.

But while I wasn’t paying attention, my mind went out of control, and I was skimming through memories of you and me while simultaneously making up scenarios of everything that we could be. The room was spinning and I was barely breathing when suddenly everything went cold and hot at the same time and you were saying goodbye a thousand times. Over and over, each one hit, and I just had to sit back and let the waves of grief keep crashing over the same body that once was held in your arms when I couldn’t stop shaking that Wednesday night back in July.

It was like I was falling and flying all at once and it took three deep breaths to clear it all up.
I gathered myself and left the room because for some reason it was starting to smell of you.

**** this and **** goodbyes. I would die for just one more night.

-bcg (i forget about you long enough to forget why i needed to)

I never lost
Until I met you
You're my Waterloo