what do children do?
they play

see
adults do not and oftentimes they are disinterested and annoyed by children at play
their joyous cries and screams and laughter that fill the air around the playground are just annoyances
the real games of pretend they play are lost to adult onlookers
but maybe as we age we can no longer see the dragon guarding the princess's tower
or
the jungle that is the monkey bars
now all we see is a landing at the top of the ladder leading to the slides and metal monkey bars with chipping paint
the secret language they communicate with was once something we could comprehend but now it is just incoherent babbling  

play is something we would do with reckless abandon
spending hours outside with friends, siblings, cousins, or solo
creating these fantasy worlds in every corner of the schoolyard
using sidewalk chalk to draw neighborhoods for ants crawling across the blacktop

sometimes we just need to let go and try to salvage any pieces of our imagination in order to escape from the stress of the office or the bills that are more than expected
sometimes we have to escape back into that child-like mindset in which the world is your playground
a mindset in which the world is what you make it
not what it makes you

so next time you pass a playground or schoolyard
roll down your windows and listen to the language of play
take a minute to remember that you were once one of those children

next time a child asks you if you want to play
play with them
rediscover the world with the sense of wonder you once had

don't be afraid to play

last spring
i was somewhat happy
you kissed me on a street corner after we spent the day drinking coffee and beach combing
then you tried to push my boundaries in your car in a random parking lot
but i wouldn't let you.
then things were okay
and shortly thereafter we put a label on it
then you met my parents.

this time last year
i was waiting for a text that i never received
i was waiting for a call back but the phone never rang
i had never been so hurt before
you planted roots in my heart and my brain, though retrospectively i realize they were superficial at best

it has been over a year since that day
and i still wonder why you ended things in such a cowardly way
was it because i wouldn't let you touch me?
was it because i didn't want to be just friends? or just benefits?

since then
i discovered it takes incredible strength to put myself back together
but just a few simple words to tear my world apart
i let myself be played and taken advantage of because after you, that's what I thought i deserved

last year i lost sight of everything
i lost my love for life

She was just an old woman.
Just like any other I'd ever seen.
But for the first time in my life
I saw a beauty and the details
of what surrounded me.

I can't tell you what voice told me to reach out but I helped this woman.
Something to small and so benign.

"I wish there more out there like you"
She said
Ma'am if only you knew.
If you knew the reason I'm in this bookstore
If you knew the reason I'm in this town, this place at all.
If only you could see past your clearance shelf books and see what monster stands beside you.

God bless you she says.
Her words made me choke, both choke in and choke up.
I wish I could say this is all made up.

You see the reason I'm here
Is because I'm fighting the urge not to die
I'm fighting these feelings of wanting  to get high.

Ma'am if you knew that I'm hear seeking the only friend I have left,
that I'm so desperate for acceptance right now because my life and my plans and my dreams are upside down.

So here I am.
At the end of me.
Ma'am if only you knew.
But the reason I was here
Was to buy 2 books costing as much as the 6 you took.
Ma'am I wish YOU knew how your words shook.
And if I never see you again I hope you got home safe.
I hope you sleep well and dream
I hope my deed and my "god bless you miss" was more than it seemed.
Because I didn't stay to talk,
I didn't tell you you're beautiful.
I didn't tell you anything.
But did my Lord?
Of this I am sure.
I should've told you that you're loved
I should've helped you to your car.
Just Something meaningful
Not so subpar.

Ma'am if only you knew
What I've done to get here.
But I walked away from that store
And I softly and most surely knew
I was at that bookstore, for you.

it's like i have it all
good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.

yet

i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill
the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and
although small
are mighty
they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters
i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have
i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me
i thank the powers that be for everything that i have
yet
if i say this out loud
i think i seem ungrateful

it's the little things about you that make me happy like the little indentation on your chin and the stubble on your cheeks that tickles mine each time i kiss you.
it's your hair. the way it's short and smooth on the sides but long and soft on top. it's just long enough for me to run my fingers through but not so long where it gets tangled and coarse.
i want to wake up and feel that under my fingers every single morning and every night before i go to sleep curled up by your side.
it's your eyes. those piercing blue eyes which on some days are bluer than the sky.
it's the tip of your nose. perfectly pointed and shaped as if it was meant for mine to fit next to it when we kiss.    
it's the way you open the car door for me every single time, making sure to kiss me before I sit in your passenger seat.
it's the way you hold my hand. your hands are always warm and mine always cold but when they intertwine the cold disappears. it's a perfect fit.
it's the way you laugh at the most random times and things. it's the laugh that sneaks up on you and catches you off guard to the point where you're doubled over with tears streaming down your face. it's the laugh that warms my heart and soul.
it's the way we can communicate using solely pop culture references. laughing for hours on end about that joke or video you saw online today or last year and having entire conversations using only phrases from vines.
it's the little things about you that stick in my head and make me smile a little bit when we're apart.
it's the little things that make you
you
the you that i fell in love with.

we don't need a fancy house with a state of the art kitchen or a king sized bed.
we don't even need a one-bedroom apartment with a kitchen we can barely fit in.
we could be living out of a van, sleeping at truck stops and eating protein bars and drinking 99-cent cans of arizona iced tea.
as long as we have each other, i will be eternally happy.

when i'm apart from you
i feel like a child trying to sleep through the night without my favorite stuffed animal or my favorite blanket.
i feel lost and uncomfortable.
some nights it's hard to sleep because being away from you physically hurts.
my chest should be fluttering with birds and butterflies - it should be alive
but
it's like someone knocked the wind out of me -
there's a heaviness that i cannot shake.
but when i'm with you
those birds and butterflies are alive and well
they try to free themselves from the confines of my ribcage but my skin keeps them stuck there.
when i'm with you i feel like a garden is blooming out of my ears.
i feel like i could burst and disintegrate into stardust and everything would turn out fine.