i long for you next to me here on this couch as i watch this episode of law and order for the sixth time and still be unsure of how it ends.
i wish you were next to me in the grocery store helping to push the cart as i triple check the list to make sure we got everything.
i wish you were in the kitchen with me so we could dance like nobody's watching in between the steps of the recipe that i know we won't follow.
i long for you to be next to me in bed so i can sleep soundly through the night and if nightmares come crawling into my dreamscape, i know you will be there to chase them away.
i wish you were in my passenger seat so i can look at you out of the corner of my eye in the mirrors as i try to focus on the road ahead.
i wish you were there so i could kiss you at stop lights and drive with no destination in mind.
i want to go to all of my favorite places with you by my side because then i will be complete.
i will be whole.

my bedsheets today tell the story of the night before
we were close,
very,
very
close.
the smell of you was in my clothing
and in my skin.
my sheets smelled like you when i closed my eyes
and when i opened them and was blinded by the sun.
this morning i woke up comforted, yet lonely
because you weren't there

but i know that you will be
someday.

the last time i left you
i was livid.
i was shaking in anger and i was hurt
i was shaken to my core.
the last time i left you
my throat was closed and my voice thick with tears
i tried not to cry the whole ride home.
i sat there in silence while my best friend comforted me, and told me who you really were - the person i was too blind to see.
this time when i left you
it was friendly,
it was cordial
and i'm looking forward to seeing you again.
i'm glad you're happy now
i'm glad you're doing what you love
i'm glad you're alive and want to continue to live.
now i'm glad you did what you did to me
because i have finally found something real and true.
i have written about how much i hate and despise you
but i don't hate you anymore.

clean laundry
the smell before rain
that feeling after rain
a fresh cup of coffee
a new box of crayola crayons
a bag of m&ms;
a used bookstore
fresh baked bread
a fluffy towel after a long shower
a sweets shop
a bouquet of flowers
getting in bed after a long day
the elephant room
crunching snow
birds in the morning
sunrise
sunset
stoplight kisses
foggy nights
a summer breeze
ocean waves
the quiet things
the blood in my veins
the sun
the moon
the stars
my love

you are the sun
you shine in my sky even on the darkest of days
your light radiates through the densest fog
and the worst of storms
your light burns in the best way
warming my skin and my insides
i am blooming
the ivy that holds my throat like a vice is dying and making room for the flowers that are bursting from my ribcage and out of my mouth

you are the sun

you cracked me open
and let the light in
you made yourself a warm, cozy home in my cold, tired soul
a soul that was ripped to pieces and clouded in darkness
a soul that i lost sight of
a soul i never thought i would get back

there is now a sun in my sky that blazes bright
a sun that is melting the ice and warming the earth
a sun that is telling the flowers to come out from their hiding places
a sun that is letting the leaves turn green
a sun that is telling beauty that it's okay to bloom.

my world is full of color and new life
and life is beautiful

all those happy songs finally fill me with joy
instead of sadness and longing

each day the sun seems brighter
and the air seems fresher,
breathing gets easier with each passing day
colors are vivid
not dull and muted

i feel like i could fly

i feel like i can take on the whole world
and i would be okay with whatever happened
as long as i have you by my side