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J Feb 2017
i've seen flowers my entire life and constantly marveled at their beauty
with child-like eyes full of wonder.
i've had flowers in my home for my entire life.
they brighten up any room regardless of how light it is
and it's always sad when they start to shrivel, but i knew that new ones were never far away.
then i started to read books where flowers were not beautiful,
they were shriveled and dead, representing something that once was.
my child-like eyes full of wonder began to dull with every passing page.
then i started picking apart writings about flowers.
the flowers always represented some sort of tragic beauty that my teacher told me was once romantic.
what is romantic about that?
my eyes were no longer the eyes of a child.
they were the eyes of someone who has seen too much, thought too much, read too much.
dull, empty, and sad.

yet, at the end of the winter, when the green buds begin to free themselves from the dirt,
i turn into that child again -
seeing true beauty in something that is alive, something new, something happy.
the resilience of the delicate flowers intrigues me.
flowers are so fragile they should never survive the harsh, cold winters.
but they do.

i must be like these flowers
i've had this drafted for a few months and it finally felt right to post this.
J Jan 2017
‪all i have is hate in my heart ‬
‪and it's vile‬
‪maybe it's hate to mask the pain i feel - ‬
‪because hate is easier to explain than pain‬
‪maybe it's a heart hardened by years of constant heartbreak and hurt‬
‪maybe it isn't hate ‬
‪maybe it's a lack of understanding ‬
‪maybe it's not me ‬
‪maybe it's all just you‬
‪i will always blame myself for everything - because blaming you means i hurt you ‬
‪and that's the worst feeling in the world and the hardest to come to terms with ‬
‪i can't blame you because i ruined it‬
‪maybe we're both at fault‬
‪but you're honest... i think‬
‪at least you had guts to tell me some sort of truth ‬
‪and not run away like a coward‬
‪but maybe you are a coward‬
‪because you didn't tell me the truth from the beginning ‬
‪did you lie to me?‬
‪you probably don't think you did,‬
‪but i kind of think so and it makes me sick‬
‪you said you were different‬
‪you said you wouldn't do what they did‬
‪i will thank you for not using me for my body ‬
‪and i am grateful that you understood where i was coming from ‬
‪i loved you then, i love you, i truly think i always will love you ‬
‪i'm trying to extinguish the burning hatred‬
‪and numb the pain‬
‪i'm trying my hardest‬
‪but it'll never be enough‬
ripped this right from the notes app on my phone. not proud of these feelings at all
J Jan 2017
a little boy killed himself today
i did now know him
Or go to school with him
he was only a freshman in high school,
no more than 15 years old
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
because he felt like he was all alone in this great big world
because he thought he was a burden
because he hit rock bottom
because he felt he had nowhere to go
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
he will never walk across that stage in his cap and gown
he will never get the promotion
he will never see his bride walk down the aisle
or his child take their first steps
a little boy killed himself today.

a little boy killed himself today
because he thought things would never get better.

but they do get better.
maybe not today, or tomorrow
maybe not even next week.
but they do get better.

this little boy that i tell you about
was overwhelmed with darkness
he felt like he was drowning
and he probably felt like his cries were going unheard.

i know this because I was once this boy.
but something inside me kept telling me
that it gets better
so i held out
and
things
got
better.
they got better for me
and i promise you that things will get better for you too.

"suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better"
i hope this young boy found peace, he will be missed. he went to my old high school and i was compelled to write this because i felt the exact same way at his age (and younger)
PLEASE SEEK HELP if you are struggling. if you suspect someone you love is struggling, reach out to them. the signs are there - you have to be able to recognize them.
you are loved more than you know
J Jan 2017
love walks in when you least expect it
and it is both beautiful and ruinous.
those feelings of love are the most powerful and beautiful feelings on planet earth and i wish to feel that someday.
but love can be ugly and one-sided
and that seems to be the only kind of love i know.
love from family is warm and comforting,
and that is never one sided.
but love from others is unkind,
it is fickle and fleeting
and leaves a bad aftertaste.
unrequited love is not romantic,
it is pain,
a pain that is both sharp and dull at the same time.
the initial sharp stab eventually subsides and is gone.
but the dull pain never goes away,
you just make room for it and live with that dull ache
until you are lucky enough to find someone who thinks you shine brighter than the sun
and whose heart skips a beat when you walk in a room
and who loves your whole person and entire soul.

that is the love i will search the ends of the earth for
but will never find
J Jan 2017
two thousand sixteen
three hundred and sixty six days
fifty two weeks
twelve months
five syllables
one year.

this year was hard, i'm not going to lie.
things were fantastic,
things were bad.
i did too many amazing things to count on two hands -
i met my favorite actors,
i saw my favorite bands,
i went to my favorite places on earth,
i spent time with my loved ones.

but those five syllables took a lot out of me -
my heart was broken,
my world was shaken,
i fell head over heels,
depression came like a fog- thick and heavy,
i lost sight of the sun.

but tonight changes that.
i can end this chapter,
i get a clean page so i can continue my story -
a story i never thought i would be able to tell.

two thousand seventeen
three hundred and sixty five days
fifty two weeks
twelve months
six syllables
one new year
i am determined to see 2017 through to the end, i just have to have hope
J Dec 2016
today i bought a journal
so i could pen my thoughts on paper

today i bought a journal
not only to write my thoughts
but to keep my life in order
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
to hold myself accountable
for my actions
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
so i could write down lines
that might fit some rhyme
somewhere, sometime
today i bought a journal

today i bought a journal
maybe as a tangible reminder of how far i will go?
maybe just as a physical place to keep my writing?
today i bought a journal
i really did buy my first real journal today.
J Dec 2016
the things that i want to say
are the things that might scare you away
how can i validate or dispel the thoughts in my head without taking a risk?
a risk that could change everything for the better
or
a risk that could ruin everything
why gamble away what is already good?
because there is a potential to discover something even better.
my heart is screaming to take the plunge,
my head is telling me it would be a total loss
who do i follow when i'm so torn?
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