I’m sorry.
When you find her
She’ll probably tell you all the awful things I’ve done
.
How I stood her in front of a mirror and pointed out everything I hated.
Down to the last atom of her existence.
How I whispered to her every night before she slept that she was unwanted. unloveable. unnecessary.
How I gave her heart to men I knew would break it.
How I laid her body down for men who made her confuse lust as love.
But knowing her, she won’t tell you any of this.
She’ll hide her stories.
She won’t show you her scars.
She’ll keep it to herself, locked away in the darkest corner of herself.
This is the place she will visit often.
A place with no windows and one door.
Her palace of pain—
I tricked her into thinking that’s what a home is.
I taught her how to smile too.
To spread her lips wide, so her cheeks pushed her eyes into half-moons.
Half-lidded truths but full lipped lies.
I taught her how to listen.
Her ears are sharp, cutting your words down to the quick.
She’s searching for the goodbye she thinks is hidden in your words.
She’ll be quiet often, but even though her lips are still, her thoughts are running lightyears in her head.
Most of those thoughts will be about you.
But she’s not thinking about how much you love her.
She’s thinking about how much she loves you and calculating how much that love will hurt her.
Love is an enduring pain and she doesn’t believe it can be anything else.
I did this.
I made her this way.
But these were the lessons that were taught to me.
I did not have kind teachers, so how could I be nothing but cruel to her?
—A poor apology from myself to You