I couldn’t just give you half my heart
I had to give it all
I didn’t care if that meant I wouldn’t have anything for me as long as you didn’t fall

Pressure for perfection
more from me than from them
I don’t know that they would even bother if they knew my own mind is my worst critic
Stopping me in my tracks sometimes before ever even starting something new
Dragging me backwards without a moments notice  

Why am I my biggest adversary ?
My mind a war zone
Where am supposed to find tranquility, serenity?  

Then I remember your smile
Yours and mine combined
It can calm any reckless wave of anxiety
So greedily, I want to capture those moments  
Freeze them forever in time and placidly encompass them in my embrace

Even the feeling of a void is amiss
I have gotten to the point beyond nothingness
How did it get this bad

I can't even remember how to be who I was before the pandemic
I miss that girl that was confident-ish
that was hopeful
that looked positively upon the world
that loved adventure and sunshine

I miss her laugh
her smile
I miss her eyes that used to sparkle not with tears but with joy
she was just starting to leave her chrysalis
she was just learning to use her wings
her wings along with her freedom were claimed
all she loved stolen by what felt like a deadly gust of wind

Now I've just built up the strength to regather those scattered pieces of myself
but I don't think I'll ever be that me again

Unaccomplished
Insufficient
Unworthy of being hired

Unloved
forgotten
Not worthy of being remembered

Silenced
A little too quiet
Not worthy of being heard

will you tell me what you're feeling
what you're thinking
why don't you speak to me when you're angry
what is going on in your head
why am I met with silence when I try to unlock your voice
it is what picks at my flesh the most
it is what speaks idiocy in my ear
telling me it's all going to disintegrate like it never existed
telling me just like everything else in my life
this will turn into nothing

You are such a sweetheart
I'm a cold-hearted *****
I think we are perfect