The laundry pile is growing
taking different shapes
I plant flowers
and they live to see a day of sun
only to die right after
My baby,
my darling Coquelicot
She cries and I don't have what she needs
I don't have what I need.
Is it as simple as a hug?
A loving kiss?
A touch of the hand on my hand?
Could it be that simple?
Oh, nothing is simple.
Nothing is easy.
You can talk and talk all day long to your therapist
But at night, you are alone, always.
And that laundry pile will grow larger
than your dead end dreams
And the flowers will all die
and take you with them

Anytime i've had a little wine, and i'm feeling as if the world is against me, certain memories like to flood my brain.

One time I almost told you I loved you
because I knew you wanted to hear it.
and another time I let you put your tongue down my throat,
because I knew you wanted to do that, too.
Who was I to say no?
You were nice. You let me pick all the records out.
You bought all the wine. You let me talk and complain, and talk and complain.
So who was I to say no?
Want another ***** cranberry?
yes
Want to take this hydrocodone?
sure
My friend is in town and has real good coke!
ok lets do it

Motels. Boxed wine. Cigarettes. Pills.
(my love language apparently)
I can still see myself wandering the narrow halls of a highway budget motel, looking for an escape, but knowing there wasn't one.
You were passed out on the bed, exhausted from a night of drugs and drunk ***. (Oh, you poor, tireless thing!)
You looked dead almost. Dead but pleased. It pleased me to think maybe you were dead. Then I realized that would be a complete **** situation.
I sat there and poured a glass of wine and stared at you. (by glass of wine, I mean cup of wine. The thin plastic mouthwash cups that come with the motel room)
Nope, not dead. So I took the hotel key and snuck out with the plan of not returning, as if I could actually get away with it.

I found myself at the motel pool. I lit up the last cigarette and sat there.
I think my soul left my body as
I listened to the cars zoom by on the highway. The freedom they had. They were going home to their loved ones. Or, at least they weren't stranded at a 1 star motel with a master manipulator.
I sat there,
wrapped in the invisible chains of lies and regret.
Just sat there. Soul-less.
And then it dawned on me..
I can't leave. I can't make this grand escape I had planned in my head.
So out went the cigarette,
and out went the light in our motel room.
As I crawled into bed,
You were snoring and
the sun was about to come up.
I had never wanted a sunrise more in my life.
And you just laid there and snored, as I lied there wishing I had more drugs to put me out of my misery

what do you get out of thinking you're alright?
what do you dream in your room when it's late at night?
how do you feel, are you stuck in a
Déjà vu?
no, its not real
but I bet it's catching up to you.

I always felt like life was a beautiful
sad song
& if you hear me, I hope that you'll stay with me all night long
because I can't accept my loneliness,
I am my only friend
I just want to vanish to an iridescent land
life is such a beautiful sad song..

& I'll always be in some type of
love with you
I'll decide for myself what I want to do
taking the turnpike, sitting in sunny rooms
dead flowers in my head, yeah
flowers always in bloom

When the weather changes
and it's finally September
I feel in love.
When the breeze is cool
everything is better
I feel in love.
When I can wear a beret or
don a favorite coat
I feel in love.
& when I sit down and read
something that you wrote
I feel in love.

maybe now i can finally
fall asleep
before the demons in my head
wake up.