Is it better to be lonely or loyal
My heart put on trial
An audience watching
Knowing the ending
Crystallized moaning
So many offers
And I stuck with you
A burdensome bandaid on a 30 year wound
A cold empty empty in a cold empty room
And I stay here waiting as I apologize to you

You’re afraid of losing me
But I’m afraid of losing you
And everything you symbolize
And the way I am with you
I feel so big when you make me feel small
I think I love you sometimes maybe not even at all
But I feel something inside
Especially when you yell
And I love the way you treat me like an object
An important object

You would do that and then I would do you and then I wouldn’t stop talking and then you wouldn’t sleep
I would think to myself you don’t love me
And you would say nothing
And it would feel empty
I love the way you have a line on your nose
And I love the way your body tenses down to your toes
I like to lick and **** what you just licked and ******
I like the way you ****
Again and again

Tell me something new
But everything stays the same
And I still worship you
I wish that we could play this game
If they only knew
The way you make my head spin now
They would come unglued
All I do is think of how
Good I look on you
Fade away and come back in
To red and black on blue
you're the best I've ever seen
At making me feel new
Like something from a story book
Hit on me, won't you
So I can feel your love
Like you want me to
I always listen to you baby
That's how I got you
I never want to change a thing
Except to not want you
But everything stays the same

You make my heart stop
Then jump
High
Higher than you
Hi
How are you
And I know that you
Are always
Happy
With me
A drink of water
Discretionary
And I am unavailable
Because you are unobtainable

Now you can sleep I guess
Unless you still can’t

I say we’re opposites
You say opposites attract
I say I’m over you
You say you feel attacked
I say come back
And you say what’s new
I say your opinions are not facts
You say in fact they’re all facts
And I think your brain is cracked
And we’re through
But I’m always sorry
And you are too
And it works okay as long as you say we do

I spin
Into
Oblivion
Into
Situations
That I think I should
A blueprint
I created myself
From tvs and movies
All is lost if nothing else
I do everything

Nature is incomprehensible to your sidewalk mind
Structures with no name are merely that to you
Wet ground is a fairytale to you
Not the sensation you feel taste and smell on a Sunday

Hole in my chest
Unfertilized eggs
Empty room
Empty future
You do nothing
All I do is spin and spin and spin

I can’t help but *****
When I think of you
Can’t help but swallow when I’m meant to chew
Too much new touch
Penetrate beneath my skin
My soul shakes and spins
Spins and shakes
Wake and bake
With shame so full I don’t fit the shoe

**** and
I
N
  H
   A
    L
      E
One two three
Breathe out
I'm still crying
But I've stopped
T r E m b L I nG

Sunday morning
You’re too tired to wake up
Next to me
Monday morning
You’re too tired
To work
While I do
Tuesday morning
Practice on your zen
Wednesday morning
You feel like a friend
Thursday morning
More time in the mirror
Friday morning
Where should I go tomorrow?
Saturday morning
Should I wake you to say bye?

Twilight moon
Cool brisk air
Your hand in my hair
Your hand, too soon
Begrudgingly
I walk by your side
It doesn't feel right
Like surgery
I'd love to be your *****
I don't like you
But I want to
Is there anything more

I used to crave a cold hotel room
Martinis for just the olive
$200 shoes
I used to crave nighttime talks
Headache relief
And approval
Now I just crave you

When words taste sick
And I can't seem to
Say the things
I want to
When air is thick
And I can't breathe
The way I'm
Supposed to
When yesterday was better
Tomorrow can't be worse
When I do what I'm told to
And things still twist and turn

Night Drives
cold window air

My play dough heart don’t know no more than cherry mash and two by fours
And overalls and pecan pies
And dirt on feet on summer nights
Brushing my hair
Brushing your hair
Singing in your brush without a care
Fish tails
Fried
Laying on the cellar while the babies cry inside
And I don’t need your money
I’ve got too much pride

You call me white trash
Maybe I am
Maybe that’s the word
I was trying to find
When I was wearing clothes from the church’s clothes closet
When I was being touched
When I was riding in the floor board of a mini van down I-35
When I
was changing and feeding my elders
When I was curling my toes so my shoes wouldn’t hurt
When I was eating fish tails
When I was tiptoeing around rats
When I was ******* in
When I was trying not to show my teeth
and when I was ******* you on backroads in the country
The stars look prettier from the top of a cellar
And crying alone doesn’t hurt so bad in the back of a old beaten down boat
In the back of my grandpa’s truck I could hide from my anger
And I can still hear me screaming if I listen
Food stamps made summers happy
Cantaloupe in the yard for deer
They sure do love the rinds
A side of me you didn’t really see
Just something I let you feel sometimes
Something I only let those I trust feel
But now I’m white trash
And you’re still a trust fund baby
I know I climbed up and jumped
But every step higher felt like I was being kicked
down
And my mother thinks I’m wrong
Because I traded my lobster for reduced meat $4.99 a pound
But taste is nothing if it gets caught
in
your
throat

I know you're just a little girl
That really makes me sad
You act like a *****
Probably no dad
And I still love you
But I wish you'd laugh a little quieter
I wish I'd kept you in your shell
I know exactly how you're feeling
When they're dancing around you
You feel like a conquerer
You feel like a general burning down a city
You feel like
A man
And then when it's over
And you're home alone
You feel a little bit sick
You feel like you just danced naked for cents
And your mom calls you to dinner
And you just want to cry
I know how you feel
And I guess that's why I'm so angry inside
You dance beautifully baby
You're smart and you're kind
You could burn any city but you won't leave it behind
And that's why you're weak
And I'm weak
And that's why we cry
But when you disrespect me
My empathy turns to pride

I should've stayed with you and made bad decisions
I should've stayed with you and felt like I did something right
I just want you to want me

flakes clanking into a window pane
Snow piling onto the window sill
Tears streaming down the sides of my face
Wondering if you want me still

If I don’t look away
If my hand doesn’t shake
If I smile once or twice
If I say a little more
And wear a little less
Can we try again

I'm leaving Friday
Because
I can't sleep at night
I can't think straight
And I can't stop thinking
I'm leaving Friday
because
I can't keep fake laughing
I can't keep watching the same dance
And I don't owe you anything
I'm leaving Friday
Because
I'd rather serve in heaven than watch you reign in hell
My heart wants to leave
My mind says to stay and go and stay and go
Maybe I'll leave Monday instead

I'm crazy
I hear it alot
From you
And everyone else
I know it
I feel it
I still want you

All I want to do is be with you
And my mind dances with what ifs
And my mind dance with lies and truths
And my mind dances
All I want to do is stop thinking of you
But my soul aches for you
And my soul yearns and burns and twists and breaks
For you
I feel like we are 1 in 2
I feel like I was meant for you
And I feel too much
And I touch too much
And I want too much
But all I want is you

I
Can't
Wait
To have my blood on your hands
I
Can't wait
To shake
And tremble
Beneath you
I can't wait
To lose all of my control
And give it all to you

My issues are showing
Manifestations in nightmares
Manic delusions
Desperation
I could have had anyone
Twist of fate
Your hand on my thigh
Turned in
To your hand on my neck
And I loved it
No limits
No
Boundaries
No, no
And here we are
My chest cut open
Blood trickling down
My issues are showing

Not one
Not one time
Not one look
I cut Out my heart
I wring it out in front of you
The blood drips your favorite melody
It beats for you
As I lay dying

Does your spirit swim like mine?
In a sea of ecstasy
In a land of cliche
Does it dig it's way out of the sand
And reach back in when it sees you
Does your spirit ache with fright
And joy
And anger
Like mine.

Tangled in a web
Of squeezed knees
And wet kisses
Of not here
Not now
Of what if they see
They won’t
you say
Repeatedly
As I pull
And twist
Wanting to be
Deeper in your web of need

Christmas play
Making me feel
1945
Jolly rock Christmas tree bluebird
I hope you sing loud all week long